The Salesman (contest entry)

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[Corrections and thoughts marked in red.]

leebass wrote:This is for Trident's 'Three-Pronged Contest'.



"No, I’m not interested, sorry, goodbye." The door slams in Ed’s face sending tiny globules of water off the door into his eyes. He quickly reaches up to wipe them away, but it’s too late, already they’ve escaped and are fleeing down his crooked nose, down his chapped lips, further and further down, invading the warm recesses, retreating and hiding in the folds and creases of his black coat I though this a little off and maybe unnecessary. It's a good sentence, but it still seems a little forced.. Shivering, he picks up his briefcase, readjusts his hat and moves on.

No one buys anything when it rains. His words are tainted by the cold and wet before they leave his mouth. The longer Ed stands on the door step, the colder they feel, standing there in their dressing gowns and slippers, his presence seeping, leaking into their lives. I found this paragraph to be rather interesting. Possibly because in a way it seems to foreshadow what is planned in the end.

He walks briskly down the road hugging the coat closer. It’s getting dark, though going home now is not an option. Just one more sale would pay the bills. A café sign flashes on and off on the next street. Food, hot food, he thinks, then a few more houses.

The café is small and fairly run down. It’s completely empty apart from a middle aged woman methodically wiping down the tables. Ed puts on his best "friendly" face, and asked,"Hi, are you still open?"

"Hey there hun, just closing, but I can do you a tea or coffee while I finish up?" If I were you, I'd maybe change up this dialogue at the beginning. Maybe just change what the waitress says. Other than that, all good so far. By this point the reader is probably thinking something more is boiling underneath and that any minute now the lid is going to pop off and expose what's cooking.

"Yes, a coffee would be great, thank you."

"Ok, coming right up, I’m Sarah by the way (I don't think this is needed. Maybe bring it up in the dialogue, like maybe the salesman asks her her name or notices it on a name tag)." She walks into the kitchen before he can reply. He takes a seat at the counter.

"So, what brings you round here?" She shouts from the back. "You’re not local; I’d know your face."

"I sell carpets; quite unsuccessfully, actually (again, one of those things I think could be brought up further along in the dialogue). You get slow days, then you get days like today." I do like this sentence. To me, it sort of helps the mood of another boring work day where nothing was made.

"Aw, poor you, never mind ay? These things are sent to try us, that’s what I always say." Her laugh trickles out of her like water from a leaky tap Maybe look at this simile a little more. It doesn't seem right. Is she being sarcastic towards him or sympathetic?. She comes back with the coffee and sets it down in front of him.

"Thanks. I don’t suppose you need a new carpet?"

"Sorry hun, got all the carpet I need for now." She picks up the cloth and starts wiping down the tables again. Half an hour and she’ll be home in the warm. Her husband will have the dinner on the table by the time she walks through the door. He was good like that. While they eat they’ll talk of redecorating the café one day; giving it a new coat of paint and fixing the sign finally. She’ll fall asleep in his arms, watching television on the sofa.

She doesn’t notice Ed opening his briefcase and slipping on a pair of latex gloves. He takes out a small vial of liquid and upturns it onto a cloth, her back still facing him. He closes the briefcase. She is two tables away from him. Three strides and she won’t even have time to react. He slowly slides off the stool. One step forward. She is still in her own little world. Two steps forward. No response. Three steps forward. He grabs her round the waist and forces the cloth over her mouth. For a second she doesn’t react, but panic sets in quickly. Her arms flail about wildly and she tries to scream. Ed tightens his grip, but she struggles harder. He loses his balance and they fall, colliding heavily with the floor. She’s up before him and heads round the counter. He gets up and jumps over the counter in one swift movement, kicking her feet from beneath her as he lands. There’s a crack as she hits the floor, and she lies still. Gotta say, this is kind of the paragraph that just sort of smacks into you. I mean, sure, you know something like this is bound to show up, you just never really know when, right?

"Crazy bitch." He reaches over the counter for the briefcase and takes out the emergency duct tape. She’s still not moving. I’ll do the feet first, in case she suddenly regains consciousness, he thinks. He has her foot in his hand when she swings a wrench into his arm with all her strength. Pain surges through his body, but he keeps a hold on her foot. She tries to stand, but with a hard pull she is brought with a smack to the ground. Before she can move he strikes her face with his fist, and she is out cold.

"Shit." What a mess. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen. He quickly duct tapes her hands and feet together, and covers her mouth. The keys to the café are in her pocket, so he locks up and turns the lights off. The van is parked a few streets away. His stomach rumbles, and the reason why he came in the café in the first place re-enters his thoughts. You’d think he’d be put off meat from being in his line of work, but there’s nothing that goes down better than a good bologna sandwich. He begins to hunt round the kitchen for the ingredients, and sighs; it’s going to be a long night. I think you might have wrote this paragraph in the wrong tense. It just kind of seems backwards from the rest of the action in the scene.

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Ed always marvels at how clean the place looks. The surfaces gleam. The walls, the floor, the counter, even Mike, standing at the till in his stripy apron, with a smile pinned to his fat face; it all reeks of cleanliness. Or that’s how it seems, on the surface. Look a bit closer and you can see the faint pink sheen covering everything; feel it hanging in the air.

"Hi Mike, how’s the wife?"

"What? Yeah, fine, she’s fine." His eyes shift from side to side. "Did you get it? There’s been a bigger order than usual; the demand’s slowly increasing."

"Yeah, I got it, don’t worry. I just came in to let you know."

"Ok, good. I’ll close for lunch and we’ll work out the details."

"Ok." Ed’s stomach rumbles. "Do you mind if I make something to eat? All this meat is making me hungry."

"Sure, help yourself. There’s some bologna in the back."

Ed smiles; nothing beats a bologna sandwich. I think that maybe this ending is a little forced. I'm not saying you can't end the story with this, I'm just saying you might want to incorporate the bologna sandwich into the story more somehow, so then the end just seems more right.

Spoiler

If you were wondering, the three elements are: the carpet salesman, the bologna sandwich and the wrench. And if you can think of a better title, please tell me.

Altogether, a very good story compromising of three off the wall, rack-your-brains things. I'm sure if you reread over it and fix some of the things I pointed out and maybe lengthen it a little more, it'll be great!

Also, isn't the Three-Pronged Contest entry supposed to have a thousand words? I may be wrong, but I thought it said that somewhere in it.

Hey there, Lee!

I'm so, so, so, so, so, so sorry I haven't reviewed this until now. I've been bogged down with a lot of reviews lately, and I will be honest with you when I say that I forgot about this. I never normally do that, so I feel terrible. Thank God for the reading list! Hopefully though, I'll be able to make it up to you with a half decent review. So yeah, here we go!

The first thing I noticed about this was when it got to the point of the attack. I wanted it to be more dramatic and a little clearer. I was like, what? Wait... He's attacking her? at the beginning. I was a bit unsure if it was Ed who was even attacking her at first because of the POV swap. It is almost twelve o' clock in the morning, so maybe I'm just half asleep, but I do think you could make some details a little clearer. You asked if we thought this ending was a bit too vague, and I kind of think it was. I also think the story overall was a bit vague... This is just my opinion though, remember. It was Ed who killed her though... right?

I think that you could have made the attack more dramatic too overall. You had some good line sin there, but I think that you could have done with spacing out some of the paragraphs and made them a little shorter. As well as short sentences, short paragraphs can sometimes cause suspense and tension. I think you mainly need to make what is happening exactly clearer, to be more vivid about it. I think that with a bit of editing, you'll easily be able to achieve this.

My main critique is one I'm a little unsure about, I have to be honest. Now, I'm not too sure what this story's actually about exactly. I can't quite tell you what the plot is. Whether it's just me being slow, I don't know, but I will bring it up because it's something I noticed. Basically, I'm a bit confused. Here's what I think at the moment. Ed is hired by Mike - I assumed he's Sarah's wife, but that I'm not sure about - to kill Sarah. He does so and Mike then redecorates the cafe. I don't know though... I could be entirely wrong.

"Hi Mike, how’s the wife?"

"What? Yeah, fine, she’s fine." His eyes shift from side to side. "Did you get it? There’s been a bigger order than usual; the demand’s slowly increasing."

This is what makes me think otherwise. I mean, if Ed killed his wife, he wouldn't really be asking Mike how is wife was, right? Then you go on to describe Mike acting all shifty as though Ed has no idea that his wife is dead... If she is dead, that is, because I don't even know if Sarah was his wife. Do you see how I'm confused?

I feel kind of silly here though because I really think I'm missing out on something. I'm worried that I'm simply being very slow to catch on. If there is something crucial that I'm missing, please tell me!

The only other negative that I have for you concerns Ed's actions as a whole. I mean, him killing the woman seemed so... random? He didn't come across as especially mental or murderous at the beginning, and he behaved kindly enough to the woman, so I found him violently killing her rather unrealistic. I think you need to show us more signs of him being murderous, to be honest. Make the fact that he's a person who would murder someone else more believable. I'm still not 100% sure if he's even the one who kills her though... I'm pretty sure, but hey, you never know.

Negatives aside, I did enjoy reading this. I think that you have a really nice writing style and your grammar overall was good. It's hard to write in the present tense, and you seem to have done so well. You have some really nice descriptions in this, so make sure that you keep them. What I like best about this though is actually the plot, even if I'm not too sure of what it is exactly! If it is what I think it is, it's a wonderful one. It's original and exciting.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hi, you've confirmed my suspicions that it is definitely too vague. I can see how it's confusing now that you've pointed it out. I tend to assume everyone reading anything i write automically know everything i do about the plot. I think the reviewer before you thought pretty much the same thing but just wouldn't say it.

The plot is supposed to be like this: Ed is a carpet salesman but this is just a cover to allow him into people's homes. When he gets the chance he drugs them, takes them home and chops them up for meat to sell to the butcher because human meat is in high demand. Mike is the butcher he sells it to. Because nobody wants any carpet he hasn't been able to sell anything, and takes the opportunity in the cafe to drug the woman. The last location is the butcher's. It is supposed to all become clear at the end haha, but i need to work on it obviously. I'm still learning anyway, it's all practice.

So you've been very helpful, thank you. Oh and don't feel bad about reviewing late, it's cool

Ah! That makes sense now you've explained it. I love the idea, by the way.

I know what you mean. A lot of writers struggle to make sure that the readers understand what they're saying. In your head, you know exactly what's going on, but when it comes to writing it down, it becomes harder to explain. Don't get downhearted about it though; I'm sure you can make this clearer.

One thing though! If the butcher thing is how things happen, you may have to explain what happened to Sarah. Obviously, she gets chopped up and made into meat... but what I mean is that people would have noticed that she's missing, right? Make sure that you explain what the case is when it comes to the law, and the consequences of her murder. Even if it's just a sentence of her being reported as a "missing person".

~ Skins

Ok, thanks for the advice! I'll keep at it

Ahoy! I'm sorry that this is so dreadfully late... but better late than never, right? Anyway, onto the review. I don't have many nit-picks, so I have a feeling the ones I do have are going to be really nit-picky (sorry in advance).

The longer Ed stands on the door step, the colder they feel, standing there in their dressing gowns and slippers, his presence seeping, leaking into their lives.

You have a great way with words--your writing is very eloquent and poetic. I love it. But this is a bit too much. I would say either have "seeping" or "leaking" but not both, because as it is this sentence drags on a bit.

"So, what brings you round here?" She shouts from the back.

Just a little technical note: "she" shouldn't be capitalized unless you want "she shouts from the back" to read like it's own sentence, but I don't think you do. Dialogue punctuation can be tricky but I think you want to think of this question mark as a comma.

"Aw, poor you, never mind ay? These things are sent to try us, that’s what I always say."

I guess this is sort of a matter of opinion, but whenever I've heard someone say "aw, poor you," it's always been sarcastic. Do you want Sarah to sound sarcastic here? If not, I suggest you change it. Maybe say "aw, I'm sorry," or something like that? I don't usually like to "correct" dialogue, but this one sort of bothered me. >.<
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Basically, I agree with Skins that there's a lot of clarification that needs to happen here. But I think you agree too. And I think you know how to fix it, too, so I'm not going to dwell on that. I don't know how much you've edited since Skins's review, but in the version I'm seeing I don't find the switch of POV confusing at all! I actually was really impressed by how well you pulled it off. I wasn't confused about who was attacking Sarah, either. I was just confused about why he was attacking her. And, of course, I was confused about the butcher part too. I think what made it so confusing was that I didn't know there was a change of setting. I assumed (as I think Skins did too) that the scene at the butcher's was taking place at the cafe. So a little more clarity there might go a long way.

My biggest issue with this piece, though, is a rather tricky one: it feels like it could/should be a novel. Trident's contest is (as TheWalkinDude suggested) for short pieces. Trident said: "I’m looking for outstanding pieces of flash fiction 1000 words or less." Now, your piece is only 2 words over the limit, and I'm sure you could get rid of two words fairly easily, so that's not the problem. It's just that (especially after reading your explanation) I see a lot of backstory in this piece. First, there's the character. Ed is great! He has so much potential to be such a complex character, because in the beginning we see that he's poor and cold and tired and we feel bad for him, which almost makes it hard to blame him for killing Sarah. But I do rather hate him for not being disgusted by the idea of eating the "bologna." Anyway, I love his complexity. Then, there's the world. The whole idea of human meat being in "high demand" is disgusting, and disturbing... but very intriguing. I want to know more about it. Then, of course, there's the plot, which brings up questions about how legal the human meat industry is, and whether Sarah's death is ever tracked down to Ed, and so on.

Now all this complexity (besides, of course, your wonderful way with words!) is what I love so much about this piece. But I think it's also what makes it so confusing. There's just so much information, and potential information, trying to fit into a "flash fiction" piece! It makes it not feel like flash-fiction, but rather a prologue, or a synopsis, or a shortened novel or something like that. Because it's specifically for flash-fiction, I think Trident's probably looking for something that takes advantage of that particular medium, so even though this is technically short enough, I don't think it's what he's looking for. Maybe after the contest is done, you can come back and expand this piece, but for now, if your main goal is to win the contest, I have a rather painful suggestion to make. I hate to say so, but I think you may want to simplify this a little. Don't necessarily dumb anything down, or take anything out of the big scheme of things, but just make the scheme a little less big. Home in on a certain aspect that you want to be the main focus of the piece and of everything else include just what you think is necessary for your readers to get a complete understanding of what you're saying.

For example, if you want the piece to be mainly about Ed's character, then make it more focused on him. Show his thoughts, dwell on his predicament. How does he feel about capturing people and butchering them? Does he regret it, but do it just for money? Does he enjoy it? Does he just force himself to be numb to the horror of it? Then, while you are developing his character, you don't have to hint at the other aspects of the story (like the setting/world, for example) because you will have to talk to them in order to talk about his character. You will have to explain, say, his butchery connection in order to develop his character. But all that was just an example. You could, for example, decide to make developing the idea of the human meat industry your goal, and make all the other elements of the story necessary components to reaching that goal. I hope that makes sense. Basically I mean that right now you're vague about everything, so you have equal emphasis on each element of the story, and I can't really tell what the point of the piece is, you know? Especially because it's so short, I suggest you focus on your reason for writing this (other than the contest, of course! ^.^) and make the piece about that.

Overall, I liked this. Your writing is very captivating and thought-provoking, and I loved what I was reading even if I didn't know exactly what was going on the whole time. I am really intrigued by all the mysteries you've set up and I could really visualize this as a novel(la), or at least a short story. You've done marvelously at combining three random things and not making them feel out of place (except maybe the wrench... I still don't understand really where Sarah got it from, and it doesn't feel like it's a very important part of the story on a whole). I just think that for the sake of the contest you may want to take a step or two backwards. Also, about the ending line: I think you could just get rid of it. The line before it is much more punchy, in my humble opinion.

Well, I'm sorry this was so late, but I hope it helps some! Let me know if you have questions/comments or want me to look at a revised version.

Good luck!
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