Jump

He was perfect, I was not.

ilovemyboys wrote:I could feel my blood pumping through my veins, my heart beating in my chest, and the breaths I took that brought me everdon't know if you mean even? either makes sense though closer to destruction. Water sloshed softly beneath me and it slowed my pulse. It was calm. A gentle breeze blew my light hair back from my freckled face as if he was trying to speak to me. I heard his voice, gentle, yet rough, like a cat purring in my ear, whispering sweet nothings to make my heart break even more. It was bliss, the burning sensation gracing my skin, searing through my jumper. My fists were clenched, and he whispered my name, the barest trace of a noise sifting through the breeze.
“Sienna...”
“Patrick,” I muttered, tears falling from my face of his?like rain. My bare feet felt the jagged rocks that pierced the soles, but the pain was minimal. I could see his eyes, like chocolate and his hair like snow. He was perfect, I was not. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and closed my ash colouredcolored....thats the american spelling at least eyes, not looking at the translucent liquid below me. I stepped off the cliff edge, and plunged towards my death.

Overall. This was a sad and moving piece although I don't really think it was romantic. I mean she kills herself but I know you had to put it here But it was good and I loved the line I highlighted in GREEN. Good, very good. You are a good writer you show not tell or vise-versa whatever ones what you want to do haha! lots of love. jenn

I could feel my blood pumping through my veins, my heart beating in my chest, and the breaths I took that brought me ever closer to destruction. {This actually isn't that bad, but it throws off the flow of the sentence. I'm thinking it's a just a *little* too ramble-ish, if that makes sense. Perhaps reword it to flow with the rest? } Water sloshed softly beneath me and it slowed my pulse. It was calm. A gentle breeze blew my light hair back from my freckled face {This also really isn't that bad, but I think the description of her appearance throws it off just slightly. Light hair. Freckled face. Perhaps read it out loud, and this will make more sense. My suggestion would be to possibly reword or remove some of the description there.} as if he was trying to speak to me. I heard his voice, gentle, yet rough, like a cat purring in my ear, whispering sweet nothings to make my heart break even more. {I actually really like how you did this. I like how you referred to it as being similar to a cat's purr. It gives it an interesting feel. The only thing that does bother me here is how many commas you have. Perhaps split it up into two sentences - or you could leave it as is.} It was bliss, the burning sensation gracing my skin, searing through my jumper. My fists were clenched, and he whispered my name, the barest trace of a noise sifting through the breeze.

“Sienna...”

“Patrick,” I muttered, tears falling like rain. My bare feet felt the jagged rocks that pierced the soles, but the pain was minimal. I could see his eyes, like chocolate and his hair like snow. He was perfect, I was not. {Okay, I honestly do find that line a little cliche. I've seen in many romance-stories how the female character often finds the guy to be so perfect and herself to be unfitting/not. It's way too commonly used.} I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and closed my ash coloured eyes, not looking at the translucent liquid below me. I stepped off the cliff edge, and plunged towards my death. {This isn't bad exactly, but it bothers me a little that you state that she is actually dying. I mean, it's pretty obvious anyways that she is committing suicide, but it doesn't really match the mysterious feel you've had in this story up to this point. What I mean is, maybe if you changed that last sentence to exclude the 'towards my death' part, it'd be nice.}