Oh and here is your knife back

Can you remember the day?
The day we met,
the warm september breeze
swarming over the gaggle of students.
Can you remeber the moment?
The moment we met.
That changed our lives forever.

I remeber your fumble,
the trip, the fall.
I remember the laughter,
the pointed fingers.
I remember it all.
I remember you crying,
tears like rivers.
All I did was confort you.

We stuck from then,
through thick and thin.
We were best friends, nay,
sisters.

I remember him well,
Jamie.

Do you remember him?
My first boyfriend,
my first kiss.
My first love.
Of course not,
he was just on your list.

I know this has been said before,
everyone knows it about you know.
You just the girl,
everybody talks about.
For all the wrong reasons.

Looking back I can see it from the start.

Here's your knife back,
I'm sure you 'll need it again soon.

retrodisco666 wrote:Can you remember the day?
The day we met,
the warm september breeze September needs to be capitalised
swarming over the gaggle of students.
Can you remeber the moment? remember is spelled wrong
The moment we met.
That changed our lives forever.

I remeber your fumble,Again spelled wrong
the trip, the fall.
I remember the laughter,
the pointed fingers.
I remember it all.
I remember you crying,
tears like rivers.
All I did was confort you. Comfort and this is my favirote line

We stuck from then,
through thick and thin.
We were best friends, nay,I didn't really like the nay in this part it would sound better if you left it out
sisters.

I remember him well,
Jamie.

Do you remember him?
My first boyfriend,
my first kiss.
My first love.
Of course not,
he was just on your list.

I know this has been said before,
everyone knows it about you know.
You just the girl,I think it would sound better if you put you're just the girl
everybody talks about.
For all the wrong reasons.

Looking back I can see it from the start.

Here's your knife back,
I'm sure you 'll need it again soon.

Hope I helped some, I know I'm not a good reviewer

Hi i'm here to reveiw your work it was very nice.

I remeber your fumble,
the trip, the fall.
I remember the laughter,
the pointed fingers.
I remember it all.
I remember you crying,
tears like rivers.
All I did was confort you.

This is my favourite stanza very heartfelt and good use of imagery.

Looking back I can see it from the start.

Here's your knife back,
I'm sure you 'll need it again soon.

I love the ending, the knife bit is cool like a back stabbing knife right?
Keep writing your good at it!

You've told a story through descriptive poetry and i love it... xxx

retrodisco666 wrote:Can you remember the day?
The day we met,
the warm september breeze
swarming over the gaggle of students. Swarming is a bit of a weird description for a breeze. At least, I think so.
Can you remeber the moment?
The moment we met.
That changed our lives forever. I would suggest putting "it" instead of "That", or just replacing the period with a comma. As it is, the rhythm is a little too stilted here.

I remember your fumble,
the trip, the fall. Maybe put "your trip, your fall" instead, just for parallelism's sake?
I remember the laughter,
the pointed fingers.
I remember it all.
I remember you crying,
tears like rivers. The rivers metaphor feels a little overused to me from other pieces. Maybe try changing it up a bit?
All I did was comfort you.

We stuck from then,
through thick and thin.
We were best friends, nay, "Nay" feels a bit awkward to me here. Doesn't really fit the rest of the piece, language wise.
sisters.

I would consider putting the following stanza after the "Do you remember him" one, and maybe create more of a transition to switch the subject.
I remember him well,
Jamie.

Do you remember him?
My first boyfriend,
my first kiss?
My first love?
Of course not,
he was just on your list. I didn't really get this at first. Maybe try clarifying it just a bit more, for slow people like me?

I know this has been said before,
everyone knows it about you know. These two lines feel a bit off to me. I don't know why. :/
You're just the girl,
everybody talks about,
for all the wrong reasons.

Looking back I can see it from the start. I'd suggest a comma after "looking back"

Here's your knife back,
I'm sure you 'll need it again soon.

Fabulous end. It almost seems like the rest of the piece were written to fit these two lines. That's kind of a good thing, because this ending is simply perfect, but to up the rest of the poem to meet its standard, maybe try using more uniform language. There's a slightly different tone, word-wise, in these two lines. But the blatant shift in emotional tone is wonderful.



Overall:
I really like this. Again, I think that the body of the piece could be a little bit better, and that maybe you could use some more figurative language, but this is really well done as a whole. Great job!


-Coral-

Love love love! 'Tis all I can say.


Well, actually it's not, or there'd be no point in me reviewing it. But I do love this piece!
Anyway, as usual, spelling/grammar/punctuation will be in my ever-faithful red, and suggestions and comments in bold.

Can you remember the day?
The day we met,
the warm September breeze
swarming over the gaggle of students.
Can you remember the moment?
The moment we met.
That changed our lives forever. Very strong opening sentence, I really like the imagery "Gaggle of students" conjours up.

I remember your fumble,
the trip, the fall. For consistancy with the previous line, this should be "your trip, your fall."
I remember the laughter,
the pointed fingers.
I remember it all.
I remember you crying,
tears like rivers.
All I did was comfort you. I don't know, "all I did" doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. Perhaps try changing it to something like "I stepped up to comfort you."

We stuck from then, This line sounds a bit odd, I think it need a "together" in between "stuck" and "from".
through thick and thin.
We were best friends, nay, I actually like the "nay". 'Tis something like I would say *bonus points*
sisters.

I remember him well,
Jamie.

Do you remember him?
My first boyfriend,
my first kiss.
My first love.
Of course not,
he was just on your list. I love this stanza, but I think the last line lets it down a little. It should be "He was just another on your list." That holds up much better and fits/flows more smoothly, as well as making sense.

I know this has been said before,
everyone knows it about you now I think you meant?.
You're just the girl,
everybody talks about.
For all the wrong reasons. Love this line.

Looking back, I can see it from the start.

Here's your knife back,
I'm sure you 'll need it again soon. Ok. I'm in love with the ending. I love how you hint at what happens, then use these lines to confirm it. The way you deliver it un-clichés the "stabbed in the back" perfectly.

Overall, I loved it. You conjured up real imagery that told the story very well.
I would change the title if you can *can't remember if that's possible* to "Oh, and here's your knife back."
And just to tell you, I loved the title and it really drew me in!
Oh, and does this come from real events? The name, Jamie, and the real-ness of the poem implies that it might
If so, I'm really sorry *hugs*, and if not, then you're a really good writer (not saying you're not if it is from real events!) and you get to keep the hug anyway!

Ok, I'd better leave now before I go off into a hug ramble!
Hope this helps!
Vampyre *runs off muttering about hugs*