Flirt With Me

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4233
Reviews 35
The words echo in my mind the rest of the day. I slowly tap a number two pencil on the wooden desk, watching my fingers hold the wooden writing utensil while not really watching it. He likes me. He finally admits that he thinks I am sweet, he thinks I am cute; he thinks I am someone special.
Here he comes, keep your cool.
“Hey,” he says, slipping into the seat in front of me. I stop tapping my pencil and wait for him to continue. He clears his throat, a sure sign that he’s nervous. A fluttery feeling passes through my stomach. He’s nervous around me. “I just, well, I was wondering,” he said. I waited. He took a long pause and a deep breath. “Would you like to go out tomorrow to eat or see a movie?”
Would I? I watch his reaction to my silence, thinking through my answer. Why go see a movie when I wouldn’t be able to see him in the darkness? Why would I want to go eat with him if food would prevent us from speaking?
“Or we could do something else,” he quickly adds. I smile slightly.
“Get back to me when you’re sure of it,” I say, feeling way too confident. He nods and smiles, licking his lips once before he sighs.
“Alright,” he says, “I guess I’ll see you at lunch?” I nod. He stands up and returns to his desk. I pick up where I left off, tapping my pencil on the tabletop.
The bell rings and everyone stands up to leave, moving in between the rows of desks and towards the doors. The teacher reminds them about their four day weekend; I don't include myself with them. I gather my stuff and slide my backpack on my shoulder, the weight of it is slowing me down. He has stayed.
“Can I walk you to your next class?” he asks me. I look into his brown eyes and smile. I raise my eyebrows at him questioningly and he hurries over. He takes my backpack off my shoulder and onto his broad one. “Shall we?” he asks, extending his elbow. I smile again and link my arm with his.
I get looks from my friends as he walks me to my class. I wish they were looks of envy instead of rage. He can be nice. He’s only ever nice with me. I don’t believe the rumors. He’s a good person.
He moves his arm so that he ends up holding my hand. We’ve stopped at my class. I look down at our hands and think. He actually wants to go out with me. He really does. It makes no sense. He can have any girl in school yet he picks me. Is this real or am I just daydreaming? I look up at his face and he’s smiling at me, a dimple on the lower left of his cheek. I reach up and touch his face, getting on my tippy toes and kissing his dimple. I stand right again and lower my hand. I have to make sure he likes me and I’m not falling into some trap.
“How about a walk?” I ask, “Tomorrow night; at the park.” He doesn’t let go of my hand and brings himself closer to me.
“That sounds perfect,” he says, breathing in my face. His breath smells like peppermint gum and oranges. “You’re not easy to catch.” I look up at him and I’m sure I look like I’m scrutinizing his face. I’m suspicious. He’s been trying to catch me, well, I’m not caught yet.
“No, I’m not,” I say. He looks at me with a question on his lips but I cut him off. “You don’t have me yet.” His eyes soften and that makes my heart beat faster.
“What can I do,” he started, leaning so close he touched our foreheads, “to change that?” I’m not fazed. I smile wide and just as the bell rings I answer.
“Flirt with me.”

A/N: This is part of a short story I wrote before. It'll be in the same folder as the other story in a small compilation I'm calling "Unorthodox Order" because I'm writing pieces of the whole story in my free time. It's also not in order by submission. In other words, I'll give you a hint: this part of the story came before "There's No Need To Yell". Another hint, "There's No Need To Yell" is the last part of the compilation. :]
Last edited by diaNe cHavez on Sat Dec 11, 2010 7:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar, and familiar things new.
Samuel Johnson

I'm not sarcastic, I'm simply verbally ironic.
Me




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 1
I like it, it's cute and sweet. I wonder what he's thinking the whole time. I love how she's for once not playing hard to get and is actually hard to get! To me it's good and I like it.
AddictedToWriting.
Thanks For Reading Your The Best. <3.
And now a note of wisdom from yours truly:“Write to be understood, speak to be heard, read to grow...”. -Lawrence Clark Powell. =)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 22451
Reviews 498
Hello there. :)

I liked this short story. It was cute and really sweet. I have one thing to say, and it's about the verb tense... You begin you past, and then continue with present. You have to choose one or the other, because a story can't be in the past and the present at the same time. I would recommend you change it all to present, because it's normally easier to write that way.

The words echoed past in my mind the rest of the day. I slowly tapped past a number two pencil on the wooden desk, watching past my fingers hold the wooden writing utensil while not really watching pastit. He liked past me. He finally admitted past that he thought past I was sweet, he thought past I was cute; he thought past I was someone special.
Here he comes, keep your cool.
“Hey,” he says present, slipping into the seat in front of me. I stop present tapping my pencil and wait present for him to continue. He clears present his throat, a sure sign that he’s nervous. A fluttery feeling passes present through my stomach. He’s nervous around me.

This is a little example. I wrote in bold the tense of your verbs, well some of them.

Apart from that, it's fine, and I would definitely love to read more. :)

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 9616
Reviews 263
Hi. :) I've got nitpicks for you:

...watching my fingers hold the wooden writing utensil while not really watching it.

- Huh? What did you mean by that? o.o

Why go see a movie when I wouldn’t be able to see him in the darkness? Why would I want to go eat with him if food would prevent us from speaking?

- I love this. This is so realistic. :D

I said, feeling overly over confident.

- 'Overconfident' is only one word. Also, 'overly overconfident' is too redundant. >.< Can you change it? But, if you really meant it that way, I guess, you don't have to.

The teacher reminds them about our four day weekend.

- Didn't you mean 'us' not 'them' 'cause the character seems to also be one of the students?

I smile again and link my arm in his.

- Maybe, it's better to use 'with' rather than 'in' here.

...he started, leaning so close he touched our foreheads...

- I think, you should put a comma after 'close' and make 'leaning so close...' as a separate sentence. Or, you can change it to 'leaning so close that he touched our foreheads'.

- - - - - - -

Maybe, you should just change the tense into past tense. I think, it'll sound better that way. Also, you changed the tense from past to present after the first paragraph which you should avoid doing. Anyway, I really like this story. I enjoyed reading it. :D
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 340
Reviews 25
Hey.
I loved this story it was simple an' sweet. I loved how she is overconfident about herself. You don't really see that anymore in the real world, so it could only live on through stories.


-Charlotte
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 230
Reviews 268
I hink it's cute. I enjoyed this piece!
Keep Writing!
Nike :)

PS- No edits
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 5
I think there is a little bit of a muddle with your tenses. Sometimes I think are you talking about the past or the present. Overall, well done :D



Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
— Miles Kington