Awakened [Chapter 1: An Invitation]

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Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews from the Prologue! I'm happy to see everyone liked it. ^^ These next three chapters will just be about introducing the characters and all that boring stuff. The good thing is, they'll all come out somewhere this week. I promise I'll make it as interesting as possible. Don't worry, the action stuff will come soon.


Chapter 1: An Invitation
Mae POV

"Always gotta keep busy, or the voices start telling me to do wild things."
-Steve Brown


"Alyss!" roared Mrs. Skye. Everyone, including me, jumped out of our seats.

Aly, on the other hand, practically flew out of hers. Her knees painfully bumped into the desk she sat on, causing her to lean to the right. Quick as a whip, she slammed her hands down with force to prevent herself from falling. Her instinctive move seemed like a loud echo in the midst of the quiet room. But after a few moments, the class snickered and giggled in unison. I gave a mental sigh. Aly was still only half awake, snoring very lightly. One could be asking how a person can balance themselves in their sleep, but hey. Everyone knew Aly. Mrs. Skye's eyes, wild and bright, glanced around the room, daring anyone to make a noise. The room grew silent fast.

"Huh? Wuh?" mumbled Aly.

She was a mess, and it was not just the "darn, I have a lot of things happening in my life!" kind. Her appearance looked as if she just got out of bed. Funny, it was the last class of the day, and she was still sleepy. Some of her dark brown hair covered her striking hazel eyes. The rest of her wild, ruffled hair lay on top of her slumped shoulders. Her red windbreaker jacket had fallen on the floor; her faded grey shoes were hopelessly untied and tattered. Not to mention that they weren't even on her feet. At least she was still wearing socks. Mrs. Skye clenched her teeth, scowling at the same time. Uh oh. That was her famous "I'm going to kill you" look.

"Would you please," she asked, with a deathly calm voice, "tell the class the answer to number three? And explain?"

The question woke her up. Aly blinked and rubbed her face, wiping her hair away from her eyes. She narrowed her eyes, squinted at the board in front of the room, and scratched her head. Oh man, she had no clue what the answer was! We had just learned about limits today. Unless Aly could miraculously hear while she slept, she had very little to no chance in getting the right answer.

"U-umm," she stammered. "The limit does not exist?" The remark made the class erupt with laughter.

"Hush!"Mrs. Skye boomed. She pointed to Aly. "You. Alyss, come outside. We need to talk."

Aly, defeated, stood up, put her shoes on, and lazily dragged her feet to the door with an angry Mrs. Skye following her closely like a shadow. That wasn't good, either. She was known to be one of the strictest teachers on campus this year. I smelled a detention coming. When the door closed, everyone turned to their neighbor and talked away. The students chatted about stuff from their daily lives and the upcoming parties of the new school year. It was a month into the new year, and everything still seemed the same in Everstone High. She and Aly were on their sophomore year. Only two more years, and then its college, I thought to myself. Ella Smith, a amazingly rich student who sat to the right of me, whacked my shoulder with her fist. Hard.

"Hey!" I exclaimed.

"Hey to you too, Mae. What's up with Aly these days? She's as lazy and tired as my dog." Ella wasn't speaking directly at me; she held a small mirror on her hand, propping it up so that only the image of her face would be shown. She was currently fixing her long, black hair.

I choked out a laugh, rubbing my arm at the same time. "I don't know, Ella, but yeah, she does seem off these last couple of days. I guess I'll talk to her."

"Great, tell her that there'll be a party this Saturday at my house, and she's invited. You too, of course," Ella added. "It's on Mason Street, two houses down the creepy black one. My house has a fountain at the front. You can't miss it." She gave an excited grin. "It's sort of a welcome back party for just sophomores."

"Don't worry, we'll be there." I assured her, returning her smile with one of my own.

She nodded. As she turned her body to the person behind her, I frowned. In truth, I noticed the change in Aly since day one. It was practically impossible not to see it. She had started to take karate classes last week, and because of that, she came to school half asleep for almost every day. Only most of the time, though, if that makes any difference. Her lessons started at eight in the night and ended at ten. Then, when she came back to her house, she finished homework, ate, took a shower, and finally slept somewhere around one o' clock. But when she came to school, I found her always limping or holding her arm.

It's always frustrating when Aly signs up for something. It always makes her tired and unfocused in school for two weeks, give or take. We never hung out during that time too, and that was a tad disappointing. You see, Aly and I are best friends, and we shared practically all our best moments together. Well, with Nora and Katie from time to time, of course. But I shared a closer bond to Aly than everyone else in this entire campus. Whenever Aly was somewhere, I was right behind her. Whenever someone called one of our names, we both looked at the same time. She was there for me whenever I had boyfriend problems, and vice versa. We shared our food, helped each other out on homework, and even defended each other when we were bullied. Each year, for the last seven years, we became closer and closer to each other.

But these last few months have been very lonely, and it was all because of Aly's stupid extracurricular activities. Whether she took karate classes one day, it soon changed to boxing, then swimming, and then even self defense lessons after another few months. They piled up, and soon her free time was as short as her sleeping, which wasn't much. I thought she was just making it up, but when I followed her to boxing class one day, she was actually practicing. And I had to say, she was better and stronger than most of the guys. Maybe even all of them. I sighed. At least, when the two weeks were over, Aly would adjust to her overwhelming schedule. She always did.

The door opened, and the two came back. Aly skipped and plopped down on her seat, fully awake. We glanced at each other. She had her lop-sided grin on, and she had fixed her hair when she was out in the hall. Mrs. Skye walked to her desk, her face exhausted and defeated. I slowly covered my mouth to hide my grin. Aly was just too much for her. Heck, she was always too much for everybody.

Just as Mrs. Skye faced the class again, the bell rang. School was finally over. Everyone quickly gathered up their belongings and headed straight for the door. I stood up and walked out with Aly just behind me. "Class, remember to check the website to see tonight's homework. Do not even think about coming here if you don't have it with you!" Mrs. Skye shouted after us.

Heading to our lockers, I nudged Aly with my backpack. "What did she say?" I asked curiously. But I had a funny feeling I knew what she was going to say.

She smirked. "The usual."

"What? No detention?"

She gave me a broad smile. "Nope, she let me off the hook."

Yup. I was right.



After school, Aly had time to hang out. I was surprised; she missed a day of self defense and karate class just for me. But what do you expect? We were best friends since we were little. Well, if you call nine little, then yes. We walked to my house, the place where we always went whenever we had nowhere else to go. It was only a few blocks away from school, not too long. Suddenly, I remembered something.

"Hey Aly, there's a party on Saturday. Ella invited us. Do you want to go?" I asked.

"Hmm," she thought. "I don't think I'm busy that day. Where is it?"

"Somewhere on Madison Street. It's near the park where we used to hang out."

She was thinking of something. Suddenly, she punched the air with her fist. "Hey! That's the place where your stalker is! Why not?" She grinned. "I'll call if Nora and Katie could go. What time does it start?"

Oops. I forgot to ask Ella about that. And what was worse, I also forgot that Daine Sanders, a guy who used to follow me everywhere before Aly helped me get rid of him, lived there. This sucked because the party was tomorrow, and we had no clue when we were supposed to go. I also didn't want to run into him again. Especially with Aly, who hated Daine as if he was an untrained puppy. Did I mention that she hated puppies? Daine also hated Aly too, and I mean hate as in revenge. He changed so much after Aly beat him up. The last time I ran into him… ugh. Let's just say what he said to me sent shivers down my spine. "I forgot to ask…" I murmured, lost in thought.

Aly shrugged it off and yawned. "No worries. We'll go at eight. That's usually when parties start, right?"

I sighed. "Yeah, I guess." More like I hope.

Man, how are timing was way off.




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Hey again!

"Alyss!" roared Mrs. Skye. Everyone, including me, jumped their of our seats

'Our' should be 'their', because everyone is a singular noun, it represents a group.

One could be asking how a person could balance themselves in their sleep, but hey, comma everyone knew Aly.


Her appearance looked as if she had just gotten out of bed.


She had started to take karate classes last week, and because of that, she came to school half asleep for almost every day. Only most of the time, though, if that makes any difference.

Alright, here you say for 'almost every day' and then you say 'Only most of the time' but it's the same thing you're repeating. I would suggest you take one off, or you combine the two sentences to make only one with less repetition.

You see, Aly and I were best friends, and we shared practically all of our best moments together.


Just as Mrs. Skye faced the class again, the bell rang; school was finally over.


But what did you expect? We were best friends since we were little. Well, if you could call nine little, then yes.


Aly shrugged it off and yawned, comma "No worries. We'll go at eight. That's usually when parties start, right?"

I sighed. "Yeah, I guess." More like I hope.

Comment: 8 is normally a bit early if you go at a party that's not one of your close friends... normally people show up around 9 if they are unsure when to show up... just a thought :)

Overall, I liked it :) Keep on writing this!

-Truth-
.- <3 -.




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I wonder what's up with Alyss, hmmm do continue because now i'm curious, and i will bug you! =). I like this beggining I'm not one to edit so i hope you're not expecting that. I simply voice my opinion and that is: I like it! The begginging was good it made me want to see why he was yelling and just got better as it went on. So Kudos!
AddictedToWriting.
Thanks For Reading Your The Best. <3.
And now a note of wisdom from yours truly:“Write to be understood, speak to be heard, read to grow...”. -Lawrence Clark Powell. =)




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Hey there, back for the second part!

First, you're going to have to reread everything slowly. You keep switching your tenses from past to present.

Second, I'm wondering about the relationship between Aly and Mae. If they were that close, why doesn't Mae wonder before about Aly's . . . lack of sleep. I mean, if it was that bad, why doesn't she talk about it to her, instead of telling Ellen that 'I guess I'll talk to her'?

And why does Aly need all those activities to start with? If you told us, if would be a great way to get to know Aly.

That being said, a few things to look out for. Integrating the five sense into a story.
For example. I am sitting here at my laptop. I can hear the cooling fan whiring. I can feel the warmth of the keyboard beneath my fingertips. I can smell the chicken, noodle soup I just prepared for lunch and it makes me hungry. Can you relate to any of this? Have you smelled chicken noodle soup before? If yes, does it bring a memory to mind? You see, when you write, you have to keep in mind that you are bringing your reader into your world. You want to feel like the reader is part of your world, not that he or she is an outsider looking in.

Working on the five senses, helps. Another thing that might help is showing, not telling. You do an awful lot of telling in this piece. You are telling us about the relationship instead of showing us, such as in a scene where one finishes the others' thoughts. Or something to that effect. topic41426.html
I'm posting a great thread about this.

Also, please keep in mind that when you write in first person, you are plugging your reader directly into your mc's mind, and if you Mc doesn't have any thoughts or feelings or emotions of any kind, what's the use of writing them in first person? If I was to spend a day in your head, what would your thoughts be like? What you feel? How would you react to situations? Well, same goes here. Your readers are little figures in your MC's mind, along for the ride.

All that being said, it is still an interesting piece. I'm intrigued about how this ties into the prologue.

Hope this helped, it was meant as constructive critism.

Tanya :D



More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes