Romeo and Juliette: Twisted (1)

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It was in Italy when they first met, they're gazes locked and they instantly became one, only to be seperated by the walkers and carriages. Romeo, heart broken at losing his new love's gaze trudged off into the Italian Market, in search of something to do. Juliette was not discouraged, for she predicted this would happen, and she knew down in her heart that it would happen again.

**********

I looked around and saw my flower basket was underneath my skirts, I had dropped it while staring into his eyes that were pools of mystery and happiness. His eyes were green, his dark brown hair had a slight wave to it, and I could tell by the way he dressed that he was very wealthy. My tounge itched to have his lips pressed against mine, and I could almost feel his hand in my grasp. I bent down and slowly picked up the basket full of red roses. My eyes scanned for his head above the crowd, discouraged I walked into the market to get the items off the list Papa gave me.
"Excuse me, can you please show me where I could find these items?" I squeaked handing the clerk the list of items.
"Of course, Madame." He said taking the list from my hand. He swept around the store and plucked the few items from the shelves. "Three onions, four tomatoes, and a loaf of bread. That will be five euros please." I groped around in my clutch bag and pulled out the money. I handed him my basket of roses and he put the few items I had bought into the basket. Curtsying politley I scurried away.
I walked through the open doorway only to be face to face with that boy again. Our eyes met and we intstantly became one. "Excuse me, Madame, I have to get into that market." The boy said effortlessly.
"Of course, Sir." I said tipping my head down. I stepped to the side for him to pass me. He walked past me gracefully, our arms brushed and my body tingled.
"Excuse me, I did not mean to run into you like that. Please forgive me." The man said tipping his head down.
"Of course, Sir. But I would enjoy learning thy name."
"Romeo. May I ask for your's in return?" He looked up at me with his forest green eyes and I felt an electric shock go through me.
"Juliette, it's a pleasure Sir Romeo." I replied not taking my eyes off his. I pushed my blond hair behind my shoulder and batted my eyelashes. "I hope we meet again." I picked up my skirts and moved gracefully towards the carriage my father had sent for me.
"Goodbye Juliette." Romeo said, he walked into the market peeking over his shoulder to get another look at me, he smiled and then turned away. I climbed into the carriage and smoothed my silky skirts. I adjusted my blouse and flipped my hair over my shoulder.
"To the mansion, I presume?" The carriage driver asked whipping the horses.
"Yes please, Sir." I replied. The horses started a trot and then moved to a gallop. I bounced slightly and imagined Romeo. I hope we meet again, Romeo. I thought to myself.
You will. The physic voice in the back of my head whispered. It spoke to me every now and then but it was always right. We reached the mansion and the driver opened my door with a bow. "Thank you."
"It's a pleasure." He said. "Miss. Juliette, I heard Jonathan is here. Be prepared, your father thinks good of him."
"Thank you, Nigel." Picking up my skirts I walked into the gates of my mansion, the basket tucked under my arm, I flicked my fingers and walked into the gallery. "Father?" I called out.
"Your father isn't here, Juliette. He is in the garden with my father, I would be hapy to escorte you." Jonathan said already pulling the basket from me and setting it onto the nearby table. He placed my hand in his and led me through the house that I knew so well. "You look beautiful." I looked into his grey eyes and examined his black hair. His cheeks were flushed, and he had freckles splattered over his face. "Your father has a large announcment to make to us today."
"That sound's grand." I whispered looking away from him. I sped up my pace as we walked into the garden. My heart pounded and I had a light sweat. "Hello father."
"Hello Juliette. I presume Jonothan told you I have something to announce?"
"Yes sir." I said. "He mentioned it."
"Well, his father and I decided that it would be perfect if you two wed, for financial reasons of course. What do you say?" He asked glancing at Jonathan.
"It would be a pleasure, Sir." He said bowing, he had a smile stretched across his face when my father glanced at me.
"Of course father, whatever you think is best." I said tilting my head down with a curtsy. A single teardrop slid down my face as he dissmissed us.
"Well, you are free to go. The wedding will be in four weeks. Your mother will stop by tomorrow to bring you her dress and I presume Jonathan's father already has a suit for him."
"Yes father." I said turning away and stepping quickly to my house. Once out of sight I raced towards the staircase and ran up them steadily. I turned into the long hallway, looking for the door that led to my chambers. Once inside I threw myself onto the bed, a flurry of tears streaming from my eyes. I don't love Jonathan.I never have and I never will! I thought to myself. Never.
*******
It was about an hour later when there was a loud knock at my door. "Yes?" I barked, sitting up in my bed. I looked down seeing my dress was wrinkled.
"Miss Juliette, dinner is ready." Isabel the maid said.
"You may enter." I said smoothing my dress out. "It's time for the fun to begin." I snickered to myself as she entered my chambers. "You know what to do."
"Yes." She said, doing the normal routine, she stripped her neck, making it bare. It spread my mouth, placing it on the usual marks. I bit down, my teeth already fangs, I drew in the warm blood, already feeling stronger. I threw her from me after about mfive minutes of drinking.
"Your blood disgusts me now." I barked wiping the red from my teeth. "Go find someone else for me to snack on. Preferably like you." I snapped.
"Yes miss." She said with a curtsy as she swept from the room. I tapped my foot impatiently.
"Isabel?" I yelled. She came back through the door with her younger sister, Abby.
"Here you are, miss." She said throwing Abby at me. Abby was shaking violently.
"What do you need, Miss Juliette?" She strangled out. She was scared, I senseed her fear. I looked into her mind, taking it over, making her my eternal slave.
"You will be my food." I said. "Undestand?"
"Yes." She exsposed her neck. letting me bring in her blood. After about ten minutes I felt her growing weak, so I released her.
"Isabel, please come here."
"Would you like more miss?" She asked stepping over to me. I nodded no, and placing her neck in my hands I twisted, hearing it snap. That was always my favorite part. I glanced at Abby, seeing her smile. I placed a kiss on Isabels forehead. She was dead. I threw her body on my bed, opening the window, I picked herr back up, throwing her limp body out into the bushes.
"Come Abby, it is time for dinner." I said stepping from my chambers, I smiled, for this was my little secret.




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Alright, so, you don't have nearly enough description.
Too much dialogue, but not enough description. Honestly, because of that, I skimmed about three quarters of this work.

"Yes." She exsposed her neck. letting me bring in her blood. After about ten minutes I felt her growing weak, so I released her.
"Isabel, please come here."
"Would you like more miss?" She asked stepping over to me. I nodded no, and placing her neck in my hands I twisted, hearing it snap. That was always my favorite part. I glanced at Abby, seeing her smile. I placed a kiss on Isabels forehead. She was dead. I threw her body on my bed, opening the window, I picked herr back up, throwing her limp body out into the bushes.
"Come Abby, it is time for dinner." I said stepping from my chambers, I smiled, for this was my little secret.


Then here, I got a major mary-sue feeling. She killed her maid just by kissing her?
and why did she kill her maid? there was no real explanation there.

~WickedWOnder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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Hello there. :)

DOUBLE SPACE your work. This is the first thing I have to say, and probably the most important one if you want any more reviews. People get discourage when they see text bunch up like that, and sometimes they don't read it, just turn around.
I squeaked, handing the clerk the list of items.

Squeak seems like an awkward word to use.
He said, taking the list from my hand.

The carriage driver asked, whipping the horses.

Once out of sight, I raced towards the staircase and ran up them steadily.

Isabel, the maid, said.

She was scared, I sensed her fear.

This was... Weird? I have to say that the whole thing about Juliet being a vampire doesn't thrill me, and I might say that I don't understand fully either. But let's move one. The rest seemed fine except for the fact that you have a tendency to forget about comma's. A tip for that would be to read it over, and every time you change subjects, or make a natural pause, there should be a comma or a full pause. I'm curious on where you are going with this, and looking forward to reading more.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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Thanks so much for the reviews! i'll take your advice! Thanks again for reading it!

~PEACE!~
~CAssie~




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Hi. I never really ever read Romeo & Juliette but I plan too. I think that this is beautifully written, great discription... but there's ALWAYS a But: I hate the Vampire part. It ruins the, sorry. Personally, I'm not fond with Vampires. Clearly, I hate them.

But, seriously. Even if I would've loved them, I would say the Vampire bit ruined your story. It just felt completly wrong. I'm just being honest.

Other than that; great idea with writing as the character (First Person not Third Person). And the way you wrote it way great.

Keep Writing!
Nike :)
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Well to start you don't really give the reader much to grasp. Vampires? What? Romeo and Juliet is a classic love story. No need to complicate it with vampires. I understand vampires are kind of in. But a modern or re-done version of Romeo and Juliet seems. Better. However you are the writer. And all of this is entirely up to you. I think personaly a modern day version of Romeo and Juliet would be extremly amazing and would go over quite well!!


I wish you good luck!
and I will read more when you have it done :)

--AnneMarie<3
No one is perfect, that's why pencils have erasiers.<33



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