From the Thunder - 1.1 (Edited 12/15)

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Chapter One

To fight is to not. To not let your opponent to see your emotions, to not let them anticipate your next move. To not show mercy, to not allow instinct to take over. My father taught me that at age four.
The words echoed in my head as I ducked the vampire’s elbow jab, then swung my arm out to block her when she doubled back. The creature laughed, enjoying the challenge. She moved in a blur, squatting to swipe her leg. I anticipate it, though, and jumped over her like we were playing hopscotch. She somersaulted, avoiding my jab, and once she was facing me again she bared her teeth in a feral smiled. I didn’t smiled back as I lifted my fists, studying every feature of her angular face as if I was memorizing it.
“Like what you see?” she purred. This vampire was passion, and she showed it in our dance. She circled me, her lithe body relaxed, as if I was hardly a threat. I just watched her with narrow eyes, waiting. After four seconds she went on the offense again, lunging at me with glinting fangs. She was expecting me to jump to the left or the right.
To fight is to not. I met her head on. With one hand I gripped her throat, twisting my torso to avoid her grappling fingers, and with my other I reached into the waistband of my sweats to pull out my knife. Making a strangled sound, the vampire stilled when I pressed the edge of the blade to her pale throat. Once I had her immobilized, I relented my grip around her neck and grasped her wrists together, leaning close to her so I could look her in the eyes. I could hear a clock ticking somewhere, marking the frozen seconds.
“What are you waiting for?” she hissed, her black gaze flaring with ludicrous delight. “Are you going to play with me first?”
She wanted me to respond, she wanted to rattle me. My face remained impassive and my hand steady. Now was when I would normally make the kill. Now was when I would do my duty by the rest of the world and eliminate the danger. To fight is to not. Without warning, my father’s face pressed in all around, his expression drooping with sadness. I could feel the vampire staring at me, wondering, and I clenched my jaw. I lowered my knife.
The vampire surprised me by darting forward and licking my cheek. “Jesus, Ria!” I snapped, and she laughed, dancing out my reach.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist! You should have seen your face!” She approached me again, smiling gleefully. “Here, let me help—”
I growled, shoving her away and swiping at my cheek. She plopped down on the mat-covered floor, still laughing. The sound bounced off the walls and rushed back at me. I stalked to the door, the smell of blood pungent on my own skin. Ria arched and leapt to her feet. She caught up with me easily, resting her cool hand on my arm.
“Come on, take a joke for once,” she said. “We need to have at least a little fun before—”
“Before we go out into the field?” I cut in, the door to the practice room clicking shut behind us. The paneled hall loomed, and our voices echoed through the air. “Fun is the last thing we need. And now I have your dinner all over my face. If you pull stunts like that out in the real world, Ria, you’ll be dead in a week.”
“Less than a week, probably,” she replied absentmindedly, holding out her hand to study her nails as we walked. “And it was just a squirrel, Jas.”
The bell rang over our heads, the end of third period, which meant that I needed to get to History. I had a one-hour window between second and third which I always used to practice my combat, usually without Ria. Now I was remembering why that is. I sighed, looking over at her. My only friend in the School. What was I going to do with her?
It’s like she was reading my mind. “I’ll be fine. And are you seriously going to wear that to class?”
“There’s nothing wrong with wearing my practice clothes,” I answered, striving to keep my voice even.
“Yeah, but Wes is in History, right?”
I quickened my pace. “What does that have to do with anything?”
Ria snorted. “Honey, the real question is, what does that not have to do with anything?”
“That didn’t even make sense,” I snapped at her. The hall opened up to what we called the common room, which was most popular area of the school. There were several couches, tables, and flat screens for the students to use between and after classes. It was nearly empty today, which meant one thing: I was late.
“Just listen to me,” Ria hissed in my ear as a dryad brushes past us in her hurry. “I’m 106 years old; I think I know what I’m talking about.”
“That’s funny, because I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I would have to go to class without my books and notebooks. No matter—I already had the material down. I realized I was frowning, and Ria was still talking. I tuned her out and forced my mouth into a thin, expressionless line. My class was on the other side of the building. Damn, I shouldn’t have sparred so long with Ria. I couldn’t afford to get bad marks now, right before I got my first assignment.
“…and you need to learn to seize the moment. After all, you and Wes will be heading your separate ways in a few days, and you two could really—”
“Ria.” I stopped and faced her. She lifted her face expectantly. She was so short and tiny; even with her vampire strength, I knew I would worry about her being out on the field. “You need to go to your class, okay? I know you can ace the tests without studying, but you need to actually take the tests to get the grade.”
She raked her hair back impatiently. “Fine. But make me a promise, or I’ll follow you.” I lifted my brows in question. She grinned, her fangs sharp and mischievous. “When Wes tries to talk to you—and don’t said he won’t, because he always does—attempt to have an actual conversation with him, okay?”
I restrained myself from rolling my eyes. “Just get to class.”
My best friend flounced away in a whirl of blood and smiles. I watched her go for a second before turning away with a heavy feeling in my heart. Three days, I kept thinking. Three days before I take the Test. Three days before I get my assignment. Three days before my partner is chosen. Three days before my life changes completely. Usually I tried not to dwell on it, but there was something that I wouldn’t even tell Ria… I was scared. The School had always been safe, a place where I knew what I was doing and what my purpose was. Out there, in the world, the rules were different. I wouldn’t have Ria as a buffer from the past.
“Jasmine?”
I knew the voice instantly, and, clenching my fists as I turned, I met Wes LeFaive’s blue, blue gaze. He was cocky, he was talented, and he wanted me. I hesitated, and Wes grinned. “Thinking about running?” he asked, tilting his golden head.
There was a thinly-veiled challenge in the words. I glanced behind me—the door to our classroom was just three feet away—and faced him again. He was so… perfect. Perfect in a way I could never be. For a brief moment I let myself admire his strong jaw, the perfect hair brushing over his forehead, his enticing smiled. Then I turned my back on him.
“Not running,” I said. “Just being smart.”
“You sure about that?” Two quick strides and he was right behind me, his breath light on my ear as I shoved the door to History open. Our teacher, Rick, only glanced at us, but I felt the heat of his gaze all the way to my seat in the back. I slid into the constraining desk, swallowing a sigh of relief. No marks against me, at least.
Quietly and swiftly, like a ghost, Wes sat beside me. Like every other day, I could sense him looking at me, thinking about me. And not for the first time, I wondered what he saw. My long dark hair? My green eyes? No. Most just noticed the glaring, crescent-shaped scar that circled the right side of my face. Only people like Ria, and a select few of the trainers, managed to look past the scar. I didn’t know which kind of person Wes was, and I wouldn’t ever have the chance to find out.
Three days.
“And can you tell me, Jasmine, when and why Gifted and Nonhumans began to emerge?”
I jerked upright, and Rick glared at me expectantly. I lifted my chin and the sunlight spilling through the window warmed my skin. “From what historians recorded,” I answered flatly, “and to the extent of our research, Gifted and Nonhuman beings have always existed. In the old days they were burned, accused of being witches or demons. As to why, there are no definite reasons. Some think it’s genetic and some believe it’s random, even some kind of magic at work.”
Our teacher regarded me with a warning in the flat line of his mouth. He turned his attention to the boy next to me. “And will you, Mr. LeFaive, give me the correct definition of both a Gifted and a Nonhuman?”
“This is basic material,” someone bravely noted. “Is this some kind of review for a pop quiz?”
“Very observant, Mr. LeFaive,” Rick growled. He was one of the trainers at the School, and he was a bear of a man. The growl wasn’t so unusual coming from him, but some still cowered. Waiting for a response, Rick pinned Wes down with his black gaze. I fixed my own down on my hands, which were flat on my desk. My nails were short and unpainted.
Wes sighed. He didn’t sound the least bit intimidated. “The correct definition of a Gifted is a human with unusual abilities, and a Nonhuman is, obviously, a creature considered to be something other than human, also with unusual abilities.”
Rick nodded and leaned back against his desk, crossing his legs at the ankles. “And the reason I am bringing this up, is because some of you”—his focus flashed to me for an instant—“are leaving the safety of the School soon, and you need to be reminded of these facts. Fact, you are not ordinary. Fact, you have a responsibility to protect those that are. Fact, there are some people out there that don’t believe our intentions to be good. So, above all, don’t be stupid, and after you’re done saving the life of a civilian, looked after yourselves, as well.”
He really does care, I thought, hiding behind my curtain of hair to avoid Wes’s probing looked. The thought brought a spark of memory, along with a tight sense of pain in the center of my chest.
“Never forget that I care about you, okay, baby girl?”
I pursed my lips and shot a glare at Wes, tired of his constant scrutiny. He just winked, and I quickly concentrated on the front of the room, on our teacher’s hand motions as he spoke. He had moved past the short speech about our survival on the field and was now going over the rise of werewolves in the 1900’s, and I did my best to pay attention. Before I knew it, the bell was ringing again, and chairs scraped against the floor as kids rose and hurried to the door. I lingered behind them all, ignoring Wes even when he slowed to wait for me at the doorway.
Rick glanced up at me in question, his big hands holding a sheaf of papers. “Was there something you needed, Jasmine?” he asked when I didn’t speak.
There were so many answers to that question I wouldn’t know where to begin. I clenched my fists in the back of my shirt, frowning. The clock on the wall kept on ticking away, marking the prolonged silence. I cleared my throat once. Twice.
Frustrated, I finally just shrugged. “Never mind.” I swung away and went to the door. Wes had, thankfully, disappeared.
“Hey.” When I turned, Rick smiled—a rare thing for him. “I have a feeling that you’re going to hold your own out there,” he told me. His timbre was rich in its sincerity, and the tight sensation in my chest loosened, just a little.
I couldn’t bring myself to smile in return, because it was a rare thing for me, as well. “Thanks.”
Last edited by KJ on Thu Dec 16, 2010 1:10 am, edited 4 times in total.




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ALright, so, I loved your beginning.

To fight is to not. To not let your opponent to see your emotions, to not let them anticipate your next move. To not show mercy, to not allow instinct to take over. My father taught me that at age four.
The words echo in my head as I duck the vampire’s elbow jab, then swing my arm out to block her when she doubles back. The creature laughs, enjoying the challenge. She moves in a blur, squatting to swipe her leg. I anticipate it, though, and jump over her like we’re playing hopscotch. She somersaults, avoiding my jab, and once she’s facing me again she bares her teeth in a feral smile. I don’t smile back as I lift my fists, studying every feature of her angular face as if I’m memorizing it.
“Like what you see?” she purrs. This vampire is passion, and she shows it in our dance. She circles me, her lithe body relaxed, as if I’m hardly a threat. I just watch her with narrow eyes, waiting. After four seconds she goes on the offense again, lunging at me with glinting fangs. She’s expecting me to jump to the left or the right.
To fight is to not. I meet her head on. With one hand I grip her throat, twisting my torso to avoid her grappling fingers, and with my other I reach into the waistband of my sweats to pull out my knife. Making a strangled sound, the vampire stills when I press the edge of the blade to her pale throat. Once I have her immobilized, I relent my grip around her neck and grasp her wrists together, leaning close to her so I can look her in the eyes. I can hear a clock ticking somewhere, marking the frozen seconds.


you just brought in a sweep of emotion and very good description. I loved it, it really drew me in.
Thats my review. I'm sorry it couldn't be better, I just loved your beginning
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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The story it self was great but i personally thought that it had a lot of grammatical problems in it, you wrote the story in a scripted kind of a way , wait, heres an example :-
*this is how it should have been according to me *


The words echoed in my head as I ducked the vampire’s elbow jab, then swang my arm out to block her when she double backed. The creature laughed, enjoying the challenge. She moved in a blur, squatting to swipe her leg. I anticipated it, though, and jumped over her like we were playing hopscotch. She somersaulted, avoiding my jab, and once she faced me again she bared her teeth in a feral smile. I didn't smile back as I lifted my fists, studying every feature of her angular face as if I was memorizing them.

this was only the start i suggest you re-read you piece of work and try editing it cause like this, frankly, its annoying, but professionally it takes out the intensity of the story as your plot and ability to elaborate with great detail was great.

unless you meant to write it like this :)

I'd re-write the whole thing for you but i ran out of time (im sorry)
but in a nut shell what you wrote was mature and interesting it maybe a start of something very good.
your characters personality isn't aren't very well defined though i also suggest you give details about them as you jumped from the vampire the school with no info on how that happened like was he dreaming or imagining (unless i missed that part)
The end also looked promising :D

i would love to read a second part to the story and if you want me to give more detailed review just reply i'd love to dont hesitate

plus reply to tell me why you wrote the story in such pattern (in a present scripted kind of a way).

Hope i helped
and remember to stay motivated

Yours Truly
- Stephene
Message me if you want to talk :)




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Amazing,
Grammar wasn't up to scratch, i didn't quite understand what's going on.
You could try and describe what she is fellings,
(The adrenalin was coursing threw my vains.) Just a suggestion. :)
I she dreaming or is this actually happining? Post to me if you have the time.
playing with fire water




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This was amazing. The introduction was phenominal! The grammar, however, was a little sketchy. I was confused when the text read "Never forget that I care about you, okay, baby girl?” in italics. Is this a voice echoing in her head? Or is she communicating with someone telepathically? If so, I would put something after the quote, like "(name)'s voice echoed in my head".

It was really amazing though! I can't wait for the next chapter!




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EDITED

Let me know if the grammar is better :)




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Very good so far. I would eally enjoy reading more. It's a bit cliche but I think you make it work very well and give it your own style, If you write more, please let me know. The fact that it kept my attention all the way through is praise on its own. Great job and don't ever let anyone discourage you. I haven't found any grammar mistakes but I'm not so good grammar myself so >_<




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Okay, let's start this!

To fight is to not. To not let your opponent to see your emotions, to not let them anticipate your next move. To not show mercy, to not allow instinct to take over. My father taught me that at age four.

The words echoed in my head as I ducked the vampire’s elbow jab, then swung my arm out to block her when she doubled back. The creature laughed, enjoying the challenge. She moved in a blur, squatting to swipe her leg. I anticipated it though, and jumped over her like we were playing hopscotch. She somersaulted, avoiding my jab, and once she was facing me again she bared her teeth in a feral smile. I didn’t smile back as I lifted my fists, studying every feature of her angular face as if I was memorizing it.

“Like what you see?” she purred. This vampire was passion, and she showed it in our dance. She circled me, her lithe body relaxed, as if I was hardly a threat. I just watched her with narrow eyes, waiting. After four seconds she went on the offense again, lunging at me with glinting fangs. She was expecting me to jump to the left or the right.

To fight is to not. I met her head on. With one hand I gripped her throat, twisting my torso to avoid her grappling fingers, and with my other I reached into the waistband of my sweats to pull out my knife. Making a strangled sound, the vampire stilled when I pressed the edge of the blade to her pale throat. Once I had her immobilized, I relented my grip around her neck and grasped her wrists together, leaning close to her so I could look her in the eyes. I could hear a clock ticking somewhere, marking the frozen seconds.

“What are you waiting for?” she hissed, her black gaze flaring with ludicrous delight. “Are you going to play with me first?”

She wanted me to respond, she wanted to rattle me. My face remained impassive and my hand steady. Now was when I would normally make the kill. Now was when I would do my duty by the rest of the world and eliminate the danger. To fight is to not. Without warning, my father’s face pressed in all around, his expression drooping with sadness. I could feel the vampire staring at me, wondering, and I clenched my jaw. I lowered my knife.

The vampire surprised me by darting forward and licking my cheek. “Jesus, Ria!” I snapped, and she laughed, dancing out my reach.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist! You should have seen your face!” She approached me again, smiling gleefully. “Here, let me help—”

I growled, shoving her away and swiping at my cheek. She plopped down on the mat-covered floor, still laughing. The sound bounced off the walls and rushed back at me. I stalked to the door, the smell of blood pungent on my own skin. Ria arched and leaped to her feet. She caught up with me easily, resting her cool hand on my arm.

“Come on, take a joke for once,” she said. “We need to have at least a little fun before—”

“Before we go out into the field?” I cut in, the door to the practice room clicking shut behind us. The paneled hall loomed, and our voices echoed through the air. “Fun is the last thing we need. And now I have your dinner all over my face. If you pull stunts like that out in the real world, Ria, you’ll be dead in a week.”

“Less than a week, probably,” she replied absentmindedly, holding out her hand to study her nails as we walked. “And it was just a squirrel, Jas.”

The bell rang over our heads, the end of third period, which meant that I needed to get to History. I had a one-hour window between second and third which I always used to practice my combat, usually without Ria. Now I was remembering why that was. I sighed, looking over at her. My only friend in the School. What was I going to do with her?

It’s like she was reading my mind. “I’ll be fine. And are you seriously going to wear that to class?”

“There’s nothing wrong with wearing my practice clothes,” I answered, striving to keep my voice even.

“Yeah, but Wes is in History, right?”

I quickened my pace. “What does that have to do with anything?”

Ria snorted. “Honey, the real question is, what does that not have to do with anything?”

“That didn’t even make sense,” I snapped at her. The hall opened up to what we called the common room, which was most popular area of the school. There were several couches, tables, and flat screens for the students to use between and after classes. It was nearly empty today, which meant one thing: I was late.

“Just listen to me,” Ria hissed in my ear as a dryad (What exactly is that?) brushes past us in her hurry. “I’m 106 years old; I think I know what I’m talking about.”

“That’s funny, because I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I would have to go to class without my books. ("and notebooks" is unnecessary) No matter—I already had the material down. I realized I was frowning, and Ria was still talking. I tuned her out and forced my mouth into a thin, expressionless line. My class was on the other side of the building. Damn, I shouldn’t have sparred so long with Ria. I couldn’t afford to get bad marks now, right before I got my first assignment.

“…and you need to learn to seize the moment. After all, you and Wes will be heading your separate ways in a few days, and you two could really—”

“Ria.” I stopped and faced her. She lifted her face expectantly. She was so short and tiny; even with her vampire strength, I knew I would worry about her being out on the field. “You need to go to your class, okay? I know you can ace the tests without studying, but you need to actually take the tests to get the grade.”

She raked her hair back impatiently. “Fine. But make me a promise, or I’ll follow you.” I lifted my brows in question. She grinned, her fangs sharp and mischievous. “When Wes tries to talk to you—and don’t said he won’t, because he always does—attempt to have an actual conversation with him, okay?”

I restrained myself from rolling my eyes. “Just get to class.”

My best friend flounced away in a whirl of blood and smiles. I watched her go for a second before turning away with a heavy feeling in my heart. Three days, I kept thinking. Three days before I take the Test. Three days before I get my assignment. Three days before my partner is chosen. Three days before my life changes completely. Usually I tried not to dwell on it, but there was something that I wouldn’t even tell Ria… I was scared. The School had always been safe, a place where I knew what I was doing and what my purpose was. Out there, in the world, the rules were different. I wouldn’t have Ria as a buffer from the past.

“Jasmine?”

I knew the voice instantly, and, clenching my fists as I turned, I met Wes LeFaive’s blue, blue gaze. He was cocky, he was talented, and he wanted me. I hesitated, and Wes grinned. “Thinking about running?” he asked, tilting his golden head.

There was a thinly-veiled challenge in the words. I glanced behind me—the door to our classroom was just three feet away—and faced him again. He was so… perfect. Perfect in a way I could never be. For a brief moment I let myself admire his strong jaw, the perfect hair brushing over his forehead, his enticing smiled. Then I turned my back on him.

“Not running,” I said. “Just being smart.”

“You sure about that?” Two quick strides and he was right behind me, his breath light on my ear as I shoved the door to History open. Our teacher, Rick, only glanced at us, but I felt the heat of his gaze all the way to my seat in the back. I slid into the constraining desk, swallowing a sigh of relief. No marks against me, at least.

Quietly and swiftly, like a ghost, Wes sat beside me. Like every other day, I could sense him looking at me, thinking about me. And not for the first time, I wondered what he saw. My long dark hair? My green eyes? No. Most just noticed the glaring, crescent-shaped scar that circled the right side of my face. Only people like Ria, and a select few of the trainers, managed to look past the scar. I didn’t know which kind of person Wes was, and I wouldn’t ever have the chance to find out.

Three days.

“And can you tell me, Jasmine, when and why Gifted and Nonhumans began to emerge?”

I jerked upright, and Rick glared at me expectantly. I lifted my chin and the sunlight spilling through the window warmed my skin. “From what historians recorded,” I answered flatly, “and to the extent of our research, Gifted and Nonhuman beings have always existed. In the old days they were burned, accused of being witches or demons. As to why, there are no definite reasons. Some think it’s genetic and some believe it’s random, even some kind of magic at work.”

Our teacher regarded me with a warning in the flat line of his mouth. He turned his attention to the boy next to me. “And will you, Mr. LeFaive, give me the correct definition of both a Gifted and a Nonhuman?”

“This is basic material,” someone (You shouldn't reference this as "someone," considering Wes answers it and we know him already) bravely noted. “Is this some kind of review for a pop quiz?”

“Very observant, Mr. LeFaive,” Rick growled. He was one of the trainers at the School, and he was a bear of a man. The growl wasn’t so unusual coming from him but some still cowered. Waiting for a response, Rick pinned Wes down with his black gaze. I fixed my own down on my hands, which were flat on my desk. My nails were short and unpainted.

Wes sighed. He didn’t sound the least bit intimidated. “The correct definition of a Gifted is a human with unusual abilities, and a Nonhuman is, obviously, a creature considered to be something other than human, also with unusual abilities.”

Rick nodded and leaned back against his desk, crossing his legs at the ankles. “And the reason I am bringing this up, is because some of you”—his focus flashed to me for an instant—“are leaving the safety of the School soon, and you need to be reminded of these facts. Fact, you are not ordinary. Fact, you have a responsibility to protect those that are. Fact, there are some people out there that don’t believe our intentions to be good. So, above all, don’t be stupid, and after you’re done saving the life of a civilian, look after yourselves, as well.”

He really does care (If these are her thoughts, italicize them to indicate that), I thought, hiding behind my curtain of hair to avoid Wes’s probing look. The thought sparked memory, along with a tight sense of pain in the center of my chest.

“Never forget that I care about you, okay, baby girl?”

I pursed my lips and shot a glare at Wes, tired of his constant scrutiny. He just winked, and I quickly concentrated on the front of the room, on our teacher’s hand motions as he spoke. He had moved past the short speech about our survival on the field and was now going over the rise of werewolves in the 1900’s.I did my best to pay attention. Before I knew it, the bell was ringing again, and chairs scraped against the floor as kids rose and hurried to the door. I lingered behind them all, ignoring Wes even when he slowed to wait for me at the doorway.

Rick glanced up at me in question, his big hands holding a sheaf of papers. “Was there something you needed, Jasmine?” he asked when I didn’t speak.

There were so many answers to that question I didn't know where to begin. I clenched my fists in the back of my shirt, frowning. The clock on the wall kept on ticking away, marking the prolonged silence. I cleared my throat once. Twice.

Frustrated, I finally just shrugged. “Never mind.” I swung away and went to the door. Wes had, thankfully, disappeared.

“Hey.” When I turned, Rick smiled—a rare thing for him. “I have a feeling that you’re going to hold your own out there,” he told me. His timbre was rich in its sincerity, and the tight sensation in my chest loosened, just a little.

I couldn’t bring myself to smile in return, because it was a rare thing for me, as well. “Thanks.”


Okay! Done! Now, italicized things are where it's hard to discern what you mean, bolded things are where I corrected grammar or spelling mistakes. Coloured sentences in brackets are my thoughts ;P

All in all, a good plot so far. You word things well, it makes me wonder why you haven't posted anything else for it yet. I reserve all judgment until I see the second chapter!

Ask if you want me to review anything else! (Though maybe you won't want to and this one just annoyed you to death... :/ I'll put the offer out there anyway.)

~Blood
Who's ever name is written in this note shall die.
My allegiance is to L, the world's greatest detective.
But my twisted mind enjoys Kira's exploits.



Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson