Nostalgia

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NOTE: I had to write this for APLangComp and the ending was rushed because I ran out of time. It ended up being icky and not the way I wanted to end it, so I didn't include it because I'll finish it sometime when I'm not busy xD

You scream, but no one can hear you. You speak, but the world cannot comprehend your forgotten tongue. The people bear no ears for your words, no mouths to offer understanding, no hearts to sympathize with the ache of your own. In this familiar town, you now wander as a stranger. Your importance non-existent. Identity omitted from the minds of its inhabitants.
You are the hollow man whose soul was carved and gutted by father time. Move on, he whispers, move on. But you cannot. For your chest was stripped of a heart, and that heart forever remains chained to this city, this world.
This memory.
Prisoner to what was once your happiness, you do not wear the shackles. The shackles of the past wear you. Wear you down. Wear you out.
Both your body and mind are tired of this game. Drenched in the stinging saltwater of your tears, they cry to you, shedding tears of their own. They beg for you to let go, let go…
Let go.
Your grip loosens. The statue breathes. But your chest is empty. Your heart, wherever it lies, shrieks. And the shriek is omnipresent. It does not waver like the dying lights in your eyes.
Gnarled and exhausted as your hands may be, you drop to your knees and mold the empty air with your fingers. Helpless, and desperate not to be.
The map, you call out, Give me the map!
Like your identity in this world, the map does not exist. Press your fingers against the cobbled floors and you will find no path to relive this distant reverie. You will find the frost that blankets the ground to be icy and cruel as reality.
Stifle your sobs and hold back the tears that threaten to fall like rain along the rugged contours of your face. Instead, drift as a cloud where the air of the city is thickest. Give it one last look and capture the best of the moment.
Before you say goodbye.
You get but one photograph, Father Time tells you. Choose wisely.
Will you let this memory remain a cheerful one? Or will you transform it into something bitter? You dig a hand into your jacket pocket and discover a small metal object.
Didn’t you know you had the key all along?
Immediately, you unlock yourself, the click of the gears unwinding your frown. You toss the shackles behind you, wipe your antique tears on your sleeve, and dart for the meadow.
Descending, the light is descending. And the stream travels to the great beyond, its surface mirroring the inverse sea of blue. The air is thick here, but not thick enough to block the melody of her hum. Both rich and sweet, her voice is a treat that never expires.

[ending removed and TBC...]
Last edited by Angels-Symphony on Sun Dec 05, 2010 5:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




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Angels-Symphony wrote:NOTE: I had to write this for APLangComp and the ending was rushed because I ran out of time. It ended up being icky and not the way I wanted to end it, so I didn't include it because I'll finish it sometime when I'm not busy xD

You scream, but no one can hear you. You speak, but the world cannot comprehend your forgotten tongue. The people bear no ears for your words, no mouths to offer understanding, no hearts to sympathize with the ache of your own. In this familiar town, you now wander as a stranger. Your importance non-existent. Identity omitted from the minds of its inhabitants.
You are the hollow man whose soul was carved and gutted by father time. Move on, he whispers, move on. But you cannot. For your chest was stripped of a heart, and that heart forever remains chained to this city, this world.
This memory.
Prisoner to what was once your happiness, you do not wear the shackles. The shackles of the past wear you. Wear you down. Wear you out.
Both your body and mind are tired of this game. Drenched in the stinging saltwater of your tears, they cry to you, shedding tears of their own. They beg for you to let go, let go…
Let go.
Your grip loosens. The statue breathes. But your chest is empty. Your heart, wherever it lies, shrieks. And the shriek is omnipresent. It does not waver like the dying lights in your eyes.
Gnarled and exhausted as your hands may be, you drop to your knees and mold the empty air with your fingers. Helpless, and desperate not to be.
The map, you call out, Give me the map!
Like your identity in this world, the map does not exist. Press your fingers against the cobbled floors and you will find no path to relive this distant reverie. You will find the frost that blankets the ground to be icy and cruel as reality.
Stifle your sobs and hold back the tears that threaten to fall like rain along the rugged contours of your face. Instead, drift as a cloud where the air of the city is thickest. Give it one last look and capture the best of the moment.
Before you say goodbye.
You get but one photograph, Father Time tells you. Choose wisely.
Will you let this memory remain a cheerful one? Or will you transform it into something bitter?
You dig a hand into your jacket pocket and discover a small metal object.
Didn’t you know you had the key all along?
Immediately, you unlock yourself, the click of the gears unwinding your frown. You toss the shackles behind you, wipe your antique tears on your sleeve, and dart for the meadow.
Descending, the light is descending. And the stream travels to the great beyond, its surface mirroring the inverse sea of blue. The air is thick here, but not thick enough to block the melody of her hum. Both rich and sweet, her voice is a treat that never expires.


Wow. All I can say is wow. This is so well written I love it. You should definitely keep writing or I'll hunt you down and make you write. Literally.

Well, good luck!!
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~




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Wow. This is amazing!! I love the emotion and your writing style is wonderful.
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.




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Hi! First, I just want to say that this is really good. I can't really find much to comment on, but I did feel a bit of rhythm lapse in the first paragraph. (Note: This is just a personal preference on how I think the first paragraph would sound better as. Feel free to ignore this if you like it the way it is, but I just thought I'd voice this.)

You scream, but no one can hear you. You speak, but the world cannot comprehend your forgotten tongue. The people bear no ears for your words, no mouths to offer understanding. No hearts to sympathize with the ache of your own. In this familiar town, you now wander as a stranger, your importance non-existent. Identity omitted from the minds of its inhabitants.


Other than that first part, I found myself being lulled in. For part of it, I followed along but felt like I was being sung a soft lullaby, threatening sleep. Not bored sleep, though. This sometimes happens when I read something with a really good rhythm and beat.

The ending, however, felt... not rushed, exactly. Unfinished? But you said that. So I'll just ignore it for now. If you post the ending, PM me. I'd love to read it. Sorry for not being much help. xD

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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I love this! I must say, you write wonderfully. The ending was perfect actually, I saw no changes or anything that could be done to make this story better. Keep up the good work!

This was my favorite line: :D
Prisoner to what was once your happiness, you do not wear the shackles. The shackles of the past wear you. Wear you down. Wear you out.




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Whoa. I'm totally jealous of how good your writing is! That was really good. Keep it up!
It was your world, Baby, and I just slipped in it.




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Wow, Angels.

I just read the blog you wrote and decided to come read some of your work.

You are the hollow man whose soul was carved and gutted by father time. Move on, he whispers, move on. But you cannot. For your chest was stripped of a heart, and that heart forever remains chained to this city, this world.
Here, father time is in lower case but when you repeat it lower, it's in upper case.

Both your body and mind are tired of this game. Drenched in the stinging saltwater of your tears, they cry to you, shedding tears of their own. They beg for you to let go, let go…
Let go.
that last part I highlighted in bold, for some reason I pictured it being in italics. Perhaps it would add more emphasis and drama.

I really wish I could do an in-depth review, here, but you don't give us much to work with. My eyes were literally glued to the screen and I had to wonder at the end if we had learned anything about your story, or the person narrating it. Nope. BEsides the fact that he/she is in incredible pain, we learn nothing.

But that's ok, because your story was so beautiful, your words so haunting, I am still trying to unwrench my heart. I am incredibly moved by what I've just read.

You are a very talented writer, I'm sorry this wasn't much of a review :D

Tanya




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Hi Angels!

What I wanted to say about this was - it was surreal. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love a good dash of surrealism, and that it's not a very common theme to come by. Your imagery is wonderfully descriptive, and I don't know any way to improve on your current writing style. Of course, I dare say that practice will bring out an even better writer in you than you already are. :D So keep on with what you're doing.

Robyn.
I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and clothes.
I am the audience that witnesses history.
- Carl Sandburg, I am the People, the Mob



Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
— Mark Twain