Awakened [Prologue]

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Prologue

"Death
As a dark Shadow
Beckons his prey
Into the unknown
By a soft whisper
In the soul."

-Cindy Cheney


She raced down the stairs, taking two steps at a time. No, she thought. No!

The house was as cold as ice. The little girl, who was only five years old, could hear it moaning. It was desperately warning her to stay away. Nighttime had made the house look dark and mysterious. Outside, a thick mist surrounded it. She could barely see the full moon, much less the dark blue sky, surrounding it. She imagined its illuminating glow, which was at the moment, a small, yellow smudge from all the mist and clouds. Inside the house, shadows stretched from every corner. It looked the same as always. But the child felt something uneasy in the pit of her stomach. Something smelled wrong, too, because the air was thick of something that smelled ghastly. Was it the mist just outside her home? Or was it… no, she couldn't trust her thinking right now. In fact, she couldn't even trust her legs; they were shivering and shaking like a mad man. She had just woken up to the sound of a piercing scream, and it came from downstairs. It sounded an awful lot like her mother…

It was challenging to take even one step. But the rush of adrenaline she now had gave her the strength to run to the living room. Inside, the child's eyes swept across the room. Nothing seemed to be out of place. Though it was dark, she was able to make out the unusual pieces of furniture her parents bought. No one was here. The old, neon blue comforter stood to the right, the TV set on the left.

But wait!

As she neared the hallway to the family room, her eyes traced a dark patch of something on the carpet. When she carefully neared it, she gave a horrified gasp. It was blood, and by the looks of it, it was definitely not dry. Her shaking grew worse, and it seemed impossible to even stand. But she had to move. She had to see what happened to her family!

Her tiny chubby legs crept soundlessly to the family room. A man, a complete stranger dressed in all black stood at the middle of the room. But as she looked more closely, surveying the room, she found what was making the putrid odor around the house. Behind him, two slumped bodies were on the ground, lying there, as if nothing were wrong. She knew right away that it was her parents. She also knew right away that they were dead. She quickly slapped her hand to her mouth. Her eyes were already watery; she wanted to cry so much! But as horrifying as this predicament was, she couldn't allow him to find her. Not yet. That was one of the lessons her parents had taught her; never ever give your location to a stranger. But she still hadn't found her sister. Looking back at the man, he wore a black suit and mask. It covered his face, but not his eyes. Too bad it was too dark to see what color they were, but she could tell they were light because she could see them glowing from where she was standing. Her eyes drifted to his sides. He held a shining gold sword on his right hand, both beautiful and deadly. The dark, silver hilt had decorations of gold lining around it. She had a sense that this sword was very old and ancient, even though it didn't look like it at all. Undecipherable words of another (probably ancient) language sprouted from the middle of the hilt to the tip of the blade. She couldn't take in the fact that the sword itself was actually glowing, which made it seem very mesmerizing to look at. Her eyes wandered to what he held on his left. There, she felt a sudden urge to gag, or worse, throw up.

He was holding a person by the collar, and it appeared to be a girl. Blood. On her face, her shirt, her legs… there was blood everywhere. It looked as if she wasn't breathing at all, which was probably true. But a recognition of horror reached her eyes when she focused on the girl's neck. A necklace hung there, one made of a tiny piece of string with a tiny piece of gold in the middle of it. On that piece of gold, the initials A.K. were scratched onto it. She knew because it was she who made that necklace. She had given it to Alondra, her sister, on her birthday. She couldn't take it. This time, with a sob, her knees finally gave in.

At the sound of the girl's knees dropping to the floor, the man quickly snapped his head to see a sobbing, little girl. She looked right at him, and their eyes held for one long moment. Even from this distance, she saw the man's surprised expression. He took one smooth step closer to the child. Narrowing his eyes, he looked back and forth between the girl he was now holding, and her. Suddenly, his eyes grew wide. He gasped. "No," she heard the man whisper. "It can't be…"

In that same moment, a bright light appeared out of nowhere. The light was blinding; the child was not able to see anything at all. She did not see where it was coming from. Was it from the shining gold sword? No, it couldn't be, she was staring right at the man and his glowing sword before the light blinded her eyes. Though she did not see, she heard. She heard a roar of wind, like a tornado, yet she did not feel it. She heard a thud on the ground, and yet she could not see it. It was as if all her senses were jammed except her ability to hear.

Suddenly, a black, blurry thing started to appear in the whiteness of her vision. Could she see again? It seemed as if it was walking towards her. When it came closer, she noticed that it was a person. It had two legs, two arms. The shape of a human. She jumped back. Was it the man, finally coming for her, coming to kill her? No! She did not want to die. She wanted revenge. But did she really? Her thoughts jumbled around her mind. It felt as if something... or someone was messing with them. The little girl tried as hard as she could to keep out the fog that was forming around her head. She clutched her head, shaking it and hitting it with her hands. Seconds past. When nothing happened, she opened her eyes, and the black thing stood just in front of her. It looked as if it were waiting. She gave out a gasp. Finally, it moved. Her vision went black. Darkness enveloped her; it covered her and touched her with its long, greedy hands. A cold feeling of despair, pain, sadness, and anger came from it. She was truly scared. Her mouth opened, ready for a loud scream.

But suddenly, everything turned back to normal. The room was perfectly intact. Everything was in its place; the dark family room, her dead parents, still unmoving, on the floor, spots and splashes of blood everywhere. But the man was gone. In his place, a sword lay on the ground, near the two bodies on the cold floor. It wasn't the same one he held. This sword was all black, with the exception of silver linings on the hilt and silver words on the blade. They looked similar to the undecipherable words from the golden one the man had. But other than the sword, the man was gone. Gone with her sister. Gone with her revenge.

The little girl wailed loudly, sobbing because of her family's death. She cried and cried a river for so long that it felt like an eternity. But she wiped her eyes and faced the blade that was now in front of her. Sniffing, she grasped the hilt. It was pretty heavy, but in her mind, she knew she was small and fragile. "Algos," something whispered. " It's name is Algos. Algos. Algos." Lifting it from the ground, the child's eyes grew with hope. Maybe she could find him again. Maybe she can take back her sister's body from that wretched man, and kill him. Maybe she could have her revenge, and all her pain would go away. And it would be as if her parents didn't die. And it would be as if nothing ever happened.



A few blocks away, another little girl, also five years old, screamed in her bedroom. The night was cloudy and misty from here as well. Thunder cracked, and a flash of white came from the girl's window. It was still open, and a cold rush of wind entered her room. Soon enough, rain started to pour, wetting all that was near it. She shivered. Not only was she frightened, but she was freezing, too. Her mother quickly rushed in, her face worried and frightened. She closed the window, opened the lights, and sat on her bed.

"What is it, dear? What's wrong?" she asked, giving her one and only daughter a concerned look.

"A nightmare!" the girl breathed. "I had the worst nightmare ever, Mama."And with that, she rushed into her mother's arms, crying and sobbing loudly.

The mother held her close, hugging her tightly. She rocked her gently and petted her hair. "It's going to be alright, darling," she soothed. "Everything is alright. Everything."

But nothing was.
Last edited by NewDivides on Sun Dec 05, 2010 7:57 am, edited 1 time in total.




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... one word. AWESOME! I'm very curious to find out who the man was. I really am not that good at reviewing grammar wise but I can tell you that you are good writer. I can't wait to see what is next. Keep up the good work. :)

~Freeze~
"Interchanging mind control, come let the
Revolution take its toll, if you could
Flick a switch and open your third eye, you'd see that
We should never be afraid to die, so come on" ~Muse, Uprising~




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Hello NewDivides :)
I'm Truth!

Alright, I'll start with the unpleasant. These are my comments, suggestions, corrections, anything :)

She could barely see the full moon, much less the dark blue sky, comma surrounding it. She imagined its illuminating glow, which was at the moment, comma a small, yellow smudge from all the mist and clouds.

Just some places I suggest adding a comma.

It sounded an awful lot like her mother…


The old, neon blue comforter stood to the right, the TV set on the left.

Question... Can a comforter stand? Wouldn't it be laying?

It was blood, comma and by the looks of it, it was definitely not dry.

I would suggest not to start a sentence with 'And', but you can keep it like it was if you want.

A man, a complete stranger dressed in all black stood in the middle of the room.

'At' should be 'in'.

She knew right away that it was her parents. She also knew right away that they were dead.

Since you use 'right away' two times, I would suggest you change the second one so you don't repeat yourself too much.

Looking back at the man, he wore a black suit and mask. It covered his face, but not his eyes

You already said he was all in black... Try keeping the descriptions all together.

It covered his face, but not his eyes. She could tell they were light because she could see them glowing from where she was standing. Too bad it was too dark to see what color they were.

Here I tried moving some of your sentences a bit. It's just a suggestion, of course :)

He held a shining gold sword in his right hand, both beautiful and deadly at the same time


She had a feeling that this sword was very old and ancient, even though it didn't look like it at all.

I think you meant 'feeling'?

She couldn't take in the fact that the sword itself was actually glowing, which made it very mesmerizing.

I don't think it can 'made it seem very mesmerizing to look at'.. I suggest you phrase it like above.

But the horror of recognition reached her eyes when she focused on the girl's neck.


On that piece of gold, the initials A.K. were scratched onto it.

You're already saying it was on the piece of gold, by saying 'onto it', you're just repeating.

Narrowing his eyes, he looked back and forth between the girl he was still holding, and her.

He's still holding her, right?

At the same moment, a bright light appeared out of nowhere.


No, it couldn't be, she was staring right at the man and his glowing sword before the light blinded her eyes.

There's no need to say 'her eyes' since it's understood, it's not really possible to be blinded by the nose. Haha :)

Seconds passed

I believed it should be 'passed'

It looked as if it was waiting
[/quote]
It's only one shadow so it's 'was'.

But other than the sword, any trace the man was gone.

The man isn't part of the sword, or vice-versa; I suggest you add 'any trace' because the sword is a trace of the man.

" It's name is Algos. Algos. Algos."

Here, if you're talking about the Shadow then use 'its' but if you're talking about the man, then use 'his'

It would be as if her parents didn't die, And it would be as if nothing ever happened.

Again with the 'ands'

"A nightmare!" The girl breathed, comma "I had the worst nightmare ever, Mama, comma" and with that, she rushed into her mother's arms, crying and sobbing loudly.


Alrighty, that's all :)
Now overall, I quite enjoyed that. I must day I'm not really into the fantasy stories anymore but this was really good. It has a lot of potential. You write beautifully, I love the imagery you're giving us. It's great! Keep on writing!

PM me if you've got any questions or want me to review your other chapters when you post them :)
-Truth-
.- <3 -.




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When I saw your prologue, I thought~Whao~It's so long~ I think that this novel you are writing might be very long. Right?
By the way, I agree with Freeze,it's awesome! When I read it just now, I'm imagining it as a real live movie! I think no matter good or bad, you really need to write a chapter 1 to 3. Like it~Keep up with your great job~!

~~~Dylan
Eat Pray Love. A must read book. A must watch movie. A must for every woman.




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Hey there Divides!

I'm Tanya, here for a review.

Because the grammar and such has already been taken care of, I'll simply give you my overall impression.

The concept of it was good. You create wonderful suspense; brilliantly done.

That being said, my issue is with your MC (main character). You've made the same mistake I made with my first story. I'm linking two of my stories here. Not because I'm trying to 'sell' them to you, but because my own works have the examples I need.
viewtopic.php?t=54847
The first one here, I have a five year old girl. She keeps referring to herself as a little girl. Chubby legs, small hands and so forth. I thought I was doing an excellent job of describing how small she was until a reviewer told me otherwise. I should be able to show the reader through my characters thoughts and actions how very small she is. Instead, because I didn't know how to do otherwise, I kept telling them. Much like you did.

viewtopic.php?t=68663
The link here is a short story I wrote, from a child's perspective. It was easy once I got into my mind that I had to act like a 5-6 year old. That is also what you must keep in mind. Do you have younger siblings? Or cousins? Or neighbours? Listen to them talk.

My point is, you MC is way too grown up for the age she is. She wouldn't descend stairs two-by-two, she's barely been walking and running for a couple of years. She wouldn't think of such big words as 'ghastly' and 'putrid'. She wouldn't consider revenge and she probably wouldn't be able to pick that sword up.

Other than that, the story and intrigue were good.I suggest you read the links I set up, if only to compare and see what I mean.

Hope this helps,
Tanya :D



The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
— Fabienne Fredrickson