Stay Forever [Chapter Four]

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Justin helped me into his slightly clunky ’93 Chevy. He maintained it quite nicely, despite the driver’s seat being a tad broken and some white paint on the bumper chipping off. There weren’t any large dents; he was a very skilled driver.

Putting his key into the ignition, his car came to life with a roar, “High ho silver! Away!”

“Justin, you are one of the biggest goofballs I’ve met in my life,” I teased, pulling my light brown hair out of its ponytail. I hated the color of my hair: it wasn’t quite brown, yet it wasn’t blonde. Not even a dirty blonde for that matter.

“Good,” he grabbed hold of my hand. “Then my mission has been accomplished.”

My laugh is so embarrassingly obnoxious, “Hah! Your life mission was to become your girlfriend’s biggest goof?”

“I try,” he grinned.

I looked out the passenger seat window, thinking to myself, where on earth is he taking me? Is it going to be romantic? Completely ridiculous? Ridiculously romantic? Either one is something he would do…

I let my mind wander for a few minutes until Justin pulled my thoughts back to the face that he was in the car with me, “Staring off into space again are we? Or thinking abut the deep meaning of life and all things known to man?”

“Better yet,” I played along. “My future and what I should do with myself after college.”

“Oh babe, why so serious? It’s your birthday!”

I sighed with a shrug, “I don’t know. You know how my mind can just wander uncontrollably.”

“Yes, I do,” he chuckled to himself.

A few moments later I heard the tires of his truck roll on a more rocky terrain, sounding like gravel. I looked up ahead of the pathway and noticed an old house, abandoned and unloved. I’m going for the ridiculously romantic. Justin knew how much I loved scary and spooky places, ever since I was little. The haunted houses were my favorite attractions, and for some reasons I found comfort in walking in graveyards. It was as if I was surrounded by so many different kinds of people, that there had to be someone there that understood what kind of problem I was experiencing at that moment.

I hopped out of Justin’s truck, nearly jumping out of my skin with excitement. Who knows what history lies between those old rotted walls?

He sensed my anticipation and offered his arm, “Shall we?”

“We shall,” I took hold of his arm. The atmosphere around the aged abode was dark and spooky, but the starry night sky also gave it beauty.

With the gravel crunching underneath our feet, we started to get a closer view of the old house: windows were dirty with some cracks, paint chipping off the walls; cobwebs were placed in the corners. It was just like your typical haunted mansion you saw in movies and rides, but this one wasn’t a prop. The two of us carefully stepped on the creaky stairs leading up to a porch. I noticed the “No Trespassing” sign in the window. How predictable.

“After you m’lady,” Justin bowed while opening the creaky door. A few spider webs gently tore away with our disturbance. My heart began to pound as I took in the macabre scene.

Soft moonlight snuck through the broken windows and rotting walls, illuminating the broken glass on the unstable floorboards. We delicately stepped around the shards and into an old living room. With the dusty carpet under our feet and plastic covering the ancient furniture, I embraced the essence of the decrepit building, the lovely and spooky energy emanating from the wood. I imagined how life would have been like living in such a curious house, never knowing who or what would visit after its original owners had passed on.

Justin interrupted my meditative state, “There’s an old ghost story that pertains to this house.”

“Oh really?” I curiously replied.

“Yeah,” he continued. “A couple lived here right after they graduated from college, beginning their careers and looking forward to their future together…”

My stomach burst into butterflies. He was talking about a future together…after college…maybe implying or hinting something?

“But when the young couple returned from work one day, they found this house in ruins. Furniture splayed sporadically, windows shattered, cabinets open…the couple was astounded by the scene.” Suddenly Justin’s face grew solemn, “When they split up to investigate the rest of the house, Fiona the wife heard gunfire come from the opposite side of the house. She sprinted towards her bedroom, and as soon as she entered the doorway she let out a shriek that could be heard all across town.”

He paused and waited for my reaction. I could feel both sadness and anticipation etched onto my face. I absolutely loved ghost stories, even the gloomy kinds.

Justin took a deep breath, and then finally explained, “Fiona’s dear Brian was dead. Murdered in their very own bedroom. As she fell down to his lifeless green eyes the killer quickly dashed from behind their dresser and ran straight towards her. She glared at his piercing blue eyes underneath his mask and stood up. Before she had a chance to do anything, she was struck hard on the head with the killer’s gun, the force knocking her unconscious. Policemen eventually came to examine the crime scene, but by then the killer had gotten away.”

“Did they ever find out what he was looking for?” I piped in inquisitively.

“After Fiona regained consciousness in the hospital, she noticed her wedding ring was no longer on her finger. The murderer had stolen it.”

Perplexed, I wondered, “Why all this for her ring?”

“The ring was said to be an ancient antique worth millions. It had been passed down through Brian’s family for generations, and Fiona had no idea about its value,” Justin paused and closed his brown eyes. His voice deepened, “Fiona spent months trying to catch the blue-eyed assassin, but with no success. She had grown increasingly depressed and driven with madness over the loss of her soul mate. She was found dead in her room, hung by a rope above the site her husband was killed, exactly one year after his death.”

Now sadness overpowered the apprehension. I couldn’t ever imagine being in that situation and losing Justin. It would destroy me.

He took my hands, “She left a note on her bed. All it said was, ‘Farewell. This life is Hell without him.’”
A tear fell from my cheek and Justin wiped it with his thumb. He slowly lead me to the back of the house and into the bedroom; the scene of the crime. The mattress was yellowed and the mirror was shattered. A long rope hung from the flaking ceiling. I shivered with delight.

Justin turned back to me, “Fiona couldn’t live without Brian. And I, Justin Miller, can never live without you.”

My body exploded with nervous energy as he knelt one knee to the floor.

“Amanda Greene,” he avowed.

“Yes?!” I started to shake.

“Will you marry me?”
"The differences in life are what create the challenges which open the door to discovery."




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Hello! My name is Lindsey and I shall be reviewing your story. (: So, let's begin.

He maintained it quite nicely, despite the driver’s seat being a tad broken and some white paint on the bumper chipping off. There weren’t any large dents; he was a very skilled driver.


This sentence seems a bit out of place and forced. Maybe find a way to combine it with the first sentence? Semi-colons are okay, but I don't think that a semi-colon here fits well.

Putting his key into the ignition, his car came to life with a roar. “High ho silver! Away!”


My laugh is so embarrassingly obnoxious. “Hah! Your life mission was to become your girlfriend’s biggest goof?”


Okay, so I see what you are trying to do here, but it doesn't transition well. My laugh is so embarrassingly obnoxious, Then what? Leaving it as is doesn't sound too well. Plus, it's telling and not really showing us how it is so embarrassingly obnoxious. Expound upon it to really show us why instead of just saying that is.

I looked out of the passenger seat window, thinking to myself, where on earth is he taking me? Is it going to be romantic? Completely ridiculous? Ridiculously romantic? Either one is something he would do…


I let my mind wander for a few minutes until Justin pulled my thoughts back into the face that he was in the car with me


This sounds weird. Just remove some of those words so it's less confusing for the reader.

“Oh, babe, why so serious? It’s your birthday!”


I looked up ahead of the pathway and noticed an old house, abandoned and unloved. I’m going for the ridiculously romantic.


“When they split up to investigate the rest of the house, Fiona, the wife, heard gunfire come from the opposite side of the house. She sprinted towards her bedroom, and as soon as she entered the doorway, she let out a shriek that could be heard all across town.”


As she fell down to his lifeless green eyes, the killer quickly dashed from behind their dresser and ran straight towards her.


Overall:
I loved the ending! I'm a sap for romance which means that I love looking for new ways for people to propose to each other. Although I found a haunted house an odd choice for a proposal, I thought it was very unique. The way you described it was very interesting and made me love the scene all the more. The only thing I have to say is work on your character's thoughts a bit more. For first person, it is hard to tell what parts you should italicize for thoughts, and which parts you shouldn't. Just reread your piece and find what the character would be thinking and what she would actually be saying or doing. Your grammar is not bad at all and you did an excellent job with description words. But, when they are in the haunted house, try to explain the spookiness. I know you already have the story, but it just seems like they are standing in the front of the doorway. It would make more sense to walk around the house and admire the beauty of it since she loves it so much. Show us why she loves the house so much.

Anyway, keep writing! I can't wait to read the next chapter!
-Lindsey
"Next year I'll be transferred to Pigfarts."
<3




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Confused.pirate wrote:Justin helped me into his slightly clunky ’93 Chevy. He maintained it quite nicely, despite the driver’s seat being a tad broken and some white paint on the bumper chipping off. There weren’t any large dents; he was a very skilled driver.

Putting his key into the ignition, his car came to life with a roar, “High ho silver! Away!”

“Justin, you are one of the biggest goofballs I’ve met in my life,” I teased, pulling my light brown hair out of its ponytail. I hated the color of my hair: it wasn’t quite brown, yet it wasn’t blonde. Not even a dirty blonde for that matter.

“Good,” he grabbed hold of my hand. “Then my mission has been accomplished.”

My laugh is so embarrassingly obnoxious, “Hah! Your life mission was to become your girlfriend’s biggest goof?”

“I try,” he grinned.

I looked out the passenger seat window, thinking to myself, where on earth is he taking me? Is it going to be romantic? Completely ridiculous? Ridiculously romantic? Either one is something he would do…

I let my mind wander for a few minutes until Justin pulled my thoughts back to the face that he was in the car with me, “Staring off into space again are we? Or thinking abut the deep meaning of life and all things known to man?”

“Better yet,” I played along. “My future and what I should do with myself after college.”

“Oh babe, why so serious? It’s your birthday!”

I sighed with a shrug, “I don’t know. You know how my mind can just wander uncontrollably.”

“Yes, I do,” he chuckled to himself.

A few moments later I heard the tires of his truck roll on a more rocky terrain, sounding like gravel. I looked up ahead of the pathway and noticed an old house, abandoned and unloved. I’m going for the ridiculously romantic. Justin knew how much I loved scary and spooky places, ever since I was little. The haunted houses were my favorite attractions, and for some reasons I found comfort in walking in graveyards. It was as if I was surrounded by so many different kinds of people, that there had to be someone there that understood what kind of problem I was experiencing at that moment.

I hopped out of Justin’s truck, nearly jumping out of my skin with excitement. Who knows what history lies between those old rotted walls?

He sensed my anticipation and offered his arm, “Shall we?”

“We shall,” I took hold of his arm. The atmosphere around the aged abode was dark and spooky, but the starry night sky also gave it beauty.

With the gravel crunching underneath our feet, we started to get a closer view of the old house: windows were dirty with some cracks, paint chipping off the walls; cobwebs were placed in the corners. It was just like your typical haunted mansion you saw in movies and rides, but this one wasn’t a prop. The two of us carefully stepped on the creaky stairs leading up to a porch. I noticed the “No Trespassing” sign in the window. How predictable.

“After you m’lady,” Justin bowed while opening the creaky door. A few spider webs gently tore away with our disturbance. My heart began to pound as I took in the macabre scene.

Soft moonlight snuck through the broken windows and rotting walls, illuminating the broken glass on the unstable floorboards. We delicately stepped around the shards and into an old living room. With the dusty carpet under our feet and plastic covering the ancient furniture, I embraced the essence of the decrepit building, the lovely and spooky energy emanating from the wood. I imagined how life would have been like living in such a curious house, never knowing who or what would visit after its original owners had passed on.

Justin interrupted my meditative state, “There’s an old ghost story that pertains to this house.”

“Oh really?” I curiously replied.

“Yeah,” he continued. “A couple lived here right after they graduated from college, beginning their careers and looking forward to their future together…”

My stomach burst into butterflies. He was talking about a future together…after college…maybe implying or hinting something?

“But when the young couple returned from work one day, they found this house in ruins. Furniture splayed sporadically, windows shattered, cabinets open…the couple was astounded by the scene.” Suddenly Justin’s face grew solemn, “When they split up to investigate the rest of the house, Fiona the wife heard gunfire come from the opposite side of the house. She sprinted towards her bedroom, and as soon as she entered the doorway she let out a shriek that could be heard all across town.”

He paused and waited for my reaction. I could feel both sadness and anticipation etched onto my face. I absolutely loved ghost stories, even the gloomy kinds.

Justin took a deep breath, and then finally explained, “Fiona’s dear Brian was dead. Murdered in their very own bedroom. As she fell down to his lifeless green eyes the killer quickly dashed from behind their dresser and ran straight towards her. She glared at his piercing blue eyes underneath his mask and stood up. Before she had a chance to do anything, she was struck hard on the head with the killer’s gun, the force knocking her unconscious. Policemen eventually came to examine the crime scene, but by then the killer had gotten away.”

“Did they ever find out what he was looking for?” I piped in inquisitively.

“After Fiona regained consciousness in the hospital, she noticed her wedding ring was no longer on her finger. The murderer had stolen it.”

Perplexed, I wondered, “Why all this for her ring?”

“The ring was said to be an ancient antique worth millions. It had been passed down through Brian’s family for generations, and Fiona had no idea about its value,” Justin paused and closed his brown eyes. His voice deepened, “Fiona spent months trying to catch the blue-eyed assassin, but with no success. She had grown increasingly depressed and driven with madness over the loss of her soul mate. She was found dead in her room, hung by a rope above the site her husband was killed, exactly one year after his death.”

Now sadness overpowered the apprehension. I couldn’t ever imagine being in that situation and losing Justin. It would destroy me.

He took my hands, “She left a note on her bed. All it said was, ‘Farewell. This life is Hell without him.’”
A tear fell from my cheek and Justin wiped it with his thumb. He slowly lead me to the back of the house and into the bedroom; the scene of the crime. The mattress was yellowed and the mirror was shattered. A long rope hung from the flaking ceiling. I shivered with delight.

Justin turned back to me, “Fiona couldn’t live without Brian. And I, Justin Miller, can never live without you.”

My body exploded with nervous energy as he knelt one knee to the floor.

“Amanda Greene,” he avowed.

“Yes?!” I started to shake.

“Will you marry me?”

YAY! he asked her! i CANT WAIT TO READ MORE! This is a good story line and I'm enjoying both characters as two but more importantly as one. PM me when you post chapter 5. Jenn
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn



Sometimes wisdom came from strange places, even from giant teenaged goldfish.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena