A Vampire Romance

Prologue

1789

Vampire…that’s what he was…a bloody vampire, the leader of them all in fact. William Jade swirled the remains of blood in his glass and drank the last of its contents.Mmmm. That was the last of his blood supply…not that he kept his blood fresh, that was impossible. Now where would he find his next victim? In the alleys of some rundown building? William only went after the male of humans; never did he touch a lady. As it was, it was an old English habit, it was in his English blood…to be a gentleman and that was what he was. That moral still stayed with him even ’till the day he had gotten bit by the leader of them all. Now William was to lead the whole pack of blood’lusting idiots. For the leader had decided to lay to rest for a hundred years.

Well, now that William possessed the qualities of his leader. He was taught to be reasonable, fierce, and powerful. Only William had never thought being a vampire required so much to bloody survive. Being what he was, he’d give anything to go back in time and flee in that moment when he was bitten…and transformed.

William surveyed the darkened room. His old home was falling apart, considering how it was, practically older than he. William was about what? A hundred and twenty…Yet he still looked as young as ever, still in his old worn out attire.

“I’m a good for nothing sort.” He said to himself.

“Why do you say that?” It was Collin Sampson.

William turned to see his loyal friend, the one whom he bit long ago, taking Collin Sampson into another life. Collin did not want it, but William disregarded his wishes. Collin became bitter, but that didn’t ever stop him from caring for someone he’d known since he was a child.

“Hello William.”

“Evening, I’m sorry, I’ve nothing to drink.”

“’Tis alright, I drank up along the way.”

“Why have you come?”

Collin gave a side-long glance and smiled cunningly…
“I’ve come to invite you to tonight’s ball. A masquerade…”

“Collin, you know very well that I don’t indulge in the usual get-togethers of humans.”

“You were once a human and so was I until you deprived me of a normal life.”

“For the hundredth time, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s quite alright, it’s not like I don’t get to enjoy myself every night…
Hell, I can never see the light of day.”

“I know what you’re getting at.” William snatched, quite annoyed.

“Aww. Quit being such a sad sport and join me. There are lovely ladies waiting.”

“You know better than to harm a lady.”

“Who said I was going to harm her…She’s a lady, useful in some ways. Come now, you remember the time you first lost your so-called innocence. I mean, that’s how you became known as a rake.”

William sighed, “Women…are not what I need right now to feel better.”

“Are’nt they?” Collin lifted his brows.

“Look, Collin. I am in no condition to be…having any future relationships, especially with woman that are not one of us.”

“We could ask them if they want to.”

“Right. We’ll just look them straight in the eyes and ask, Would you like to become a vampire? It’s like asking them if they want to join a club, for heavens sake!”

“Good point. But if you do fall in love and you start to feel a little attached, you could make her one or ask her.”

“What? To be her husband for life? That’s like asking an eternity of--”

“Happiness?”

William paused, his eyes were set upon Collin. Collin scooted to the corner as William eased himself off the mantel. The fire burned low and they were silent.

“William?”

William said, his eyes returned to the hearth. “Get me my coat. Were going to the ball.”

Emeline Duster stood a dist from the crowd. Everyone was having a splendid time, and she was trying her best not to scream. The ennui, the lonesome space she created within herself…She hated attending the London activities in search of a future husband. One who would pretend to be kind and the next thing she knows, he’s just a mean selfish aristocrat. Not having a care about her and her children. Who knows it might be the Count of Debior. Emeline spotted Allison Coppersworth across the room. It was just like her to go about the ballroom, flirting with every available bachelor. For heavens sake, she might as well put a sign on herself, declaring herself to the highest bidder. It was bad enough no one gave much attention to her. Nor did they pay any attention to Emeline either, but at least she didn’t act as desperate as Allison.

Time was passing by too slowly and it seemed as if the evening would never end, it had already struck midnight and there was nothing to do. Emeline found herself walking down the vast halls of the palace. Everything was practically as old as her. Emeline soon found herself outside upon the terrace and a gust of a cold wind caressed her face.She sighed, “Finally, fresh air…”

The scent of roses filled the air and suddenly, there was a distant rustle.
“Who goes there?” Emeline said, a little frightened that a ghost would appear.

But someone did appear and it wasn’t a ghost, although he seemed to be, he was merely a man. He walked right up the steps so gracefully as he kept his eyes upon her ever so gently. The wind blew and revealed a glimpse of her shoulders, but Emeline caught her ruffles.

“Ahh, young beauty. What brings you out in the middle of the night?”

“ ‘Tis not your concern. Now please leave…it is inappropriate to be seen alone with me.”

“I know very well how society works. But see, nature is joining us, so we are not completely alone.” He hissed. Emeline felt gooseflesh arise from her skin. It was so cold out.

“Who are you?”

“No one you would recognize. I am not known in society.”

“Nor am I.” She said a bit sadly.

“You sound saddened upon that fact.”

“No, I am fine.”

“Perhaps you would like to dance?”

“Dance? What do you mean?”

“I’m sure you know what I mean. We could still hear the music playing. What do you say?”

Emeline stared at him for longest time. He had the most charming eyes. They were so blue and it glowed as if it was light itself. When he approached her, she could see clearly that his skin was so pale and his eyes glowed even more. Just staring at him made her feel a deep inner sensation that compelled her to touch him. When her hand finally touched his, she breathed in deeply for his hands were as cold as ice.

“Your hands are so cold.” She stated softly.

“I know…but don’t let it stop you from feeling what you feel…I will not harm you.” Emeline nodded.

“I am not used to dancing with strangers, alone, like this.”

“I know…”

“I usually don’t allow this kind of behavior.”

“Why do you now?”

Emeline could not find an answer, she was too drawn by him to speak logically and think clearly. He made her feel things she had never felt with any other man. If she was around him more often, this sort of feeling could become an obssession. He was handsome, she thought. And he was very graceful in his dance, standing tall and looking straight into her eyes.

“I’m going to ask you a question…and I’m going to ask you not to run away or be frightened.” She nodded, leaning against his chest. “I want you.”
Emeline felt her heart drop.

“What do you mean? I just met you.”

“Aye, but you don’t understand…I want you , because you are the first woman I met and I don’t want to see anymore than I need. You possess a quality I like and I want it…innocence and all.”

“What…”

“My name is William Jade. Will you be my wife? And when I say this…I mean forever…”

Emeline couldn’t speak…She lost the ability to speak and when she looked into his eyes, she found herself lifting her head for a kiss. William sighed and kissed her fully upon the mouth, tasting and savoring her lips that were so soft. He grabbed her closer and couldn’t stop. The sudden urge to bite her made him push away from her.

“I can’t…not yet.”

“You can’t what?” She asked, half deep in a daze.

“I can’t take you now and even if I did, life would be unbearable. Forget any of this. Forget, how much I want you.”

“But I…”

William shook his head, “I wanted you all my life. ‘Tis only now that I realized how much of a fool I’ve been to have ever done what you warned me not to…but…I love you, Amber Harrisson.”

With that, William was gone. Emeline felt as though she had been drained and she nearly fell, to then catch herself.

“Amber Harrison?”

Now, whoever he was referring to, Emeline was certainly not Amber Harrison. Oh but he was handsome and charming, but he must have mistaken her for someone else. That put the question once again…Who was Amber Harrison?

[/b]

Right off the bat the first thing I noticed was the spacing of the paragraphs. Reading on the computer screen for a lot of people is difficult, so double spacing paragraphs makes it easier. This piece also moves very fast. The room in which William is in, is not described accept for the fact that it is dimly lit, and the rest of the house is older than he. It’s very vague, give us something we can sink our teeth into! You also speak very briefly of the night he was transformed. You also mention (as if an after note) that he is the leader of a clan of vampires. Why? How did that happen? Who was the leader before?

And his friend comes out of nowhere. He’s alone one minute, and the next he’s talking to his old buddy. Who could be short, fat, and ugly or tall, handsome, and little drunk at this point in the evening for all we know. Then the element of the masquerade is introduced, and there’s no indication that Collin Sampson himself is dressed for the occasion. If Collin is so bitter about that fateful night when William took his life, why are they still friends? And they seemed to have had reconciled so why is Collin still talking about it? Their conversation quickly turns to one of sex, which is a bit early for any story. Instead try focusing on why William keeps humans at a distance besides the obvious of being a vampire.

Emeline Duster is at ball when she has children to take care of? That’s a bit irresponsible, and she is even thinking of the. Is she also a vampire? If she is, it wasn’t made clear enough. Again the conversation between her and William moves much too fast. They barely know each other’s names before he asks her to marry him. Then you add in the mysterious Amber Harrison. It seems you are trying to fit too much in at once. Slow down. Go back and add detail. Explain things. Make an outline if it helps. Please note that I am in no way trashing your story, I think it has great potential… it just needs work. After all, we’re all here to get better at writing. Great job! -NL

It was just a solid block of text. I couldn't read past the first few lines 'cuz it was so bad...

Okay, your first paragraph:

Vampire…that’s what he was…a bloody vampire, the leader of them all in fact. William Jade swirled the remains of blood in his glass and drank the last of its contents.Mmmm. That was the last of his blood supply…not that he kept his blood fresh, that was impossible. Now where would he find his next victim? In the alleys of some rundown building? William only went after the male of humans; never did he touch a lady. As it was, it was an old English habit, it was in his English blood…to be a gentleman and that was what he was. That moral still stayed with him even ’till the day he had gotten bit by the leader of them all. Now William was to lead the whole pack of blood’lusting idiots. For the leader had decided to lay to rest for a hundred years.

Let's take a closer look.

Vampire…that’s what he was…a bloody vampire, the leader of them all in fact.

The ellipses are completely overused here. I'm not entirely sure why you're using them, but whatever the reason, they're burgeoning the narrative and making it increasingly frustrating to read. The only logical reason I can think of for their presence is because this is William's internal monologue. (Or can be considered as such.) But they're simply tiresome — especially since this is your first line, and first impressions matter very much to a reader. In terms of impact, I think periods would be much better put to use here:

Vampire. That's what he was. A bloody vampire, the leader of them all in fact.

Even that needs improvement, but it's a start. At the very least, beginning the story with Vampire. instead of Vampire ... would be much more effective. The other sentences can be blended together or tweaked, but I think that very first bit would be best on its own. (And by first part, I mean the first line: "Vampire." Nothing beyond that, i.e. not "that's what he was ... a bloody vampire," etc.)

There should also be a comma between "all" and "in fact".

William Jade swirled the remains of blood in his glass and drank the last of its contents.Mmmm.

There should be a space between the period after "contents" and "Mmmm."

William Jade swirled the remains of blood in his glass and drank the last of its contents. Mmmm.

Also — "the remains of blood" should be "the remaining blood". And when you say, "the last of its contents," it seems as if you're referring to the "remains of blood," since that is the direct object in the sentence. So — change that.

That was the last of his blood supply…not that he kept his blood fresh, that was impossible.

Grammar. The comma should be a semi-colon or an em dash:

That was the last of his blood supply…not that he kept his blood fresh; that was impossible.

or

That was the last of his blood supply…not that he kept his blood fresh — that was impossible.

Personally, I prefer the one with the em dash (the second one), but that's just me.

And again, the ellipses don't really do anything, except hamper the flow of the story. Out they go.

In the alleys of some rundown building?

"Of some rundown building" should be "beside some rundown building". Or "behind". "Of some rundown building," implies that the alleys are inside the building, not adjacent to it.

As it was, it was an old English habit, it was in his English blood…to be a gentleman and that was what he was.

Cut out "As it was." Entirely unnecessary.

Also, major run-on sentence with a lot of unnecessary things to clutter it up. The "it was in his English blood," is completely useless and should be cut out; it's reinforcing it was an old English habit for absolutely no reason. Plus, the reader will figure out that he's English as soon as you say that was what he was. Cut the ellipses while you're at it. Which would end up as:

It was an old English habit, to be a gentleman and that was what he was.

Then you may want to omit the comma, or replace the "and" with an em dash. Just tweak the sentence till it flows.

That moral still stayed with him even ’till the day he had gotten bit by the leader of them all.

'til or till, not 'till.

Also — "gotten bitten", not "gotten bit". It sounds more awkward (and you may want to tweak it) but that's the grammatically correct version. Although, having said that, "had been bitten," might work better for you.

Instead of simply saying, "leader of them," or "leader," you always say, "leader of them all." The "all" is unnecessary after the first time (and may even be unnecessary during its first use). Plus, burgeoning the narrative. Omit unnecessary words!

Now William was to lead the whole pack of blood’lusting idiots. For the leader had decided to lay to rest for a hundred years.

blood'lusting should be blood-lusting. Note the hyphen between the words (not an apostrophe).

The second sentence sounds very awkward; I'd suggest merging the two sentences. Cut the period and "for" and replace them with a semi-colon, like so:

Now William was to lead the whole pack of blood’lusting idiots; the leader had decided to lay to rest for a hundred years.

Also — "had decided to lay to rest," should be self-reflexive; in other words, it should be "had decided to lay himself to rest." Or, alternately, you can cut out the "to lay" and have, "had decided to rest for a hundred years". Your choice.

Whew, okay. That's it.

... and that's just the first paragraph.

* * *

A couple of things in terms of the overall story:

- Ellipses overkill. Use them sparingly and when you want to create a specific effect. As it stands now, they inundate the narrative and create an awkard, non-flow for the story.

- Formatting. It's been mentioned before and I'll say it again — break up the sentences. It's not hard, really! Simply press Enter one more time after the end of every paragraph, and voila — formatting.

Observe. Unformatted text:

“Aww. Quit being such a sad sport and join me. There are lovely ladies waiting.”
“You know better than to harm a lady.”
“Who said I was going to harm her…She’s a lady, useful in some ways. Come now, you remember the time you first lost your so-called innocence. I mean, that’s how you became known as a rake.”
William sighed, “Women…are not what I need right now to feel better.”
“Are’nt they?” Collin lifted his brows.

becomes formatted text:

“Aww. Quit being such a sad sport and join me. There are lovely ladies waiting.”

“You know better than to harm a lady.”

“Who said I was going to harm her…She’s a lady, useful in some ways. Come now, you remember the time you first lost your so-called innocence. I mean, that’s how you became known as a rake.”

William sighed, “Women…are not what I need right now to feel better.”

“Are’nt they?” Collin lifted his brows.

And suddenly more people are willing to read the story.

- Dialogue. You use "'tis" and then turn around and use contemporary colloquialism, like, "Quit being such a sad sport." Do one or the other. And, while we're at it, 'tis is not the only indicator of speech during the 1700s, if indeed an indicator at all. If you're going to attempt a recreation of their speech, research it more thoroughly. And don't use modern slang/terms. (By the way — poor sport, not sad sport.)

... and, having said all that — keep writing! It's a good story — just needs a little bit of tweaking .

I tried...I'll work on it later.

watch your spacing. try proof reading before you post it. can't wait for more. Please add another piece.

I thought it was very good. One thing, I do not know much about historical fiction but I feel like you used the word Tis quite a bit. Also, I want a bit more description when it comes to the charecters, I want to know EXACTLY what william looks like, his face, his chest, every thing. I also want to know what Emiline looks like, her hair, her eyes, her height, how thin or chubby she is. It also seemed to me William chose her a bit fast, but maby because she reminded him of a gal he liked back when he was still human. just a theroy. but overall I loved it. you write wonderfully.

Certainly Love-
Yeah, who is Amber Harrison?
The 1789 thing is great. I just love historical stories and with a tad bit of vampires.
So where's the glittering masquerade ball, with decorative masks? I didn't see any of it in the story.
Plus, where's all the description? Like
*the past leader
*why did the leader laid to rest for a hundred years?
*what does William look like? Besides some old attire.
*the house he lives in
*the looks of Collin
*how did Collin suddenly appear in the house
*what makes Allison not have anyone like her
*the like and dislikes of Allison and Emeline and looks
*the ballroom
*and why does William think Emeline is amber?
that's all I could think of. Hopefully this helps.
-Merry