Just hope

Another day has come
Has gone.
Has past
Like a miscarriage.

I end before I even have begun.
I'm like a failed sperm,
Still whizzing
Like a spinning top
Slowing down -
Time lost in the deceleration.
Life lost - for life is Waiting.

Each minute is a circle
On the clock hung on the wall saying
"Adam. You are getting old. 16 soon, big boy!"
Nothing is happening
Except in my head.
I hate it,
But I don't know what else the clock
Could have
said.

My mileage is getting too high
For my stock.
I need some fuel,
Or even with hope,
I will drop dead
On the floor.

And at my funeral, they will say...
"Adam. He was so young.
Still only a child
With no meaning in his life.
What could possibly have been wrong?"
And on my gravestone I will request it to say
"Adam. 192 months of zombiness old.
Deceased.
Fell twelve stories out of the ground
Due to a lack of gravity."
Or maybe burned to death:
A fatal accident
Where nothing safe was available
To ignite him.

But first, maybe I'll knock up some girl.
So that someone else can have a chance
To use what I had.
And I can live vicariously through this child from heaven,
Like I lived vicariously through my future self.

But maybe I will light a fire in her soul as well,
And she will love me;
And that will make everything go wrong.
Oh how I wish that would be.
Destroy
This false life of mine until,
Until,
It's gone!
And replaced with the sunrise.

And mother, because that could happen.
I won't leave you to rot like I rotted.
And only because I know what lonely old age is like,
I don't think you deserve it.
So, for now, I'll stay. But don't be upset when I fly away
From this failed pregnancy.

That's right. I'll finally spread my wings,
A virgin -

I just hope.

AdamBH wrote:Another day has come
Has gone. I'm not sure about how you're punctuating this. If you keep the first lines as a punctuated sentence I would add a comma after 'come', otherwise the lines are conveyed as a continuous thought which doesn't work. As far as I know capitalization is mostly preferential, however, I think it might look better if not every line was capitalized since you are fully punctuating things, it seems. It's almost redundant. I would only capitalize the beginnings of sentences, especially because it will make things appear smoother and much more well integrated. All of the full stops and capitals are jarring, y'know? I won't mention it further, so just keep it in mind.
Has past *passed - past is purely temporal
Like a miscarriage.

I end before I even have begun.
I'm like a failed sperm,
Still whizzing This imagery is very...odd. XD Sperm isn't usually the object of poetic beauty or sadness. I can't really pin it as bad, though. It's just peculiar.
Like a spinning topStill not sure about the punctuation. If you want to be consistent, add a stop here.
Slowing down -
Time lost in the deceleration.
Life lost - for life is Waiting.

Each minute is a circle
On the clock hung on the wall saying This has quite a few more syllables than the other lines, which adds contract, but the flow isn't quite right. Reading it outloud I noticed a natural pause before 'saying'. Maybe move it to the next line?
"Adam. You are getting old. 16 soon, big boy!" *Sixteen. You should always write out numbers when they begin a sentence.
Nothing is happening
Except in my head.
I hate it,
But I don't know what else the clock
Could have
said. I really like these lines!

My mileage is getting too high
For my stock. This kills the flow. And it doesn't seem to contribute anything.
I need some fuel,
Or even with hope,
I will drop dead
On the floor. The last line of this stanza is very awkward to read. Cut it, or if you want to elaborate, I would add some movement to really reinforce the suddenness. For example- 'As I rise from my bed' or something.

And at my funeral, they will say...
"Adam. He was so young.
Still only a child I like the rhythm in this stanza so far.
With no meaning in his life. Sort of a trite thing to say, as it doesn't offer anything really compelling. I would recommend using this dialogue a chance to give unique insight. How can you make this more profound and affecting?
What could possibly have been wrong?" Same thing, though I guess it does illustrate commonplace thinking, it could be much stronger.
And on my gravestone I will request it to say
"Adam. 192 months of zombiness old. Zombiness? XD I like the word, but it doesn't make sense as modifier of 'old'.
Deceased.
Fell twelve stories out of the ground
Due to a lack of gravity." I love these three lines.
Or maybe burned to death:
A fatal accident
Where nothing safe was available
To ignite him.

But first, maybe I'll knock up some girl.
So that someone else can have a chance
To use what I had.
And I can live vicariously through this child from heaven,
Like I lived vicariously through my future self. Very good conceptually, but a little plain. You can definitely enhance this stanza to make it more poignant.

But maybe I will light a fire in her soul as well,
And she will love me;
And that will make everything go wrong.
Oh how I wish that would be.
Destroy
This false life of mine until,
Until,
It's gone!
And replaced with the sunrise. This is a great stanza, although it gets tedious to read starting at the fourth line.

And mother, because that could happen.
I won't leave you to rot like I rotted.
And only because I know what lonely old age is like,
I don't think you deserve it. These lines confused me. I'm not how it fits into the rest. I'm just....
Eh?
So, for now, I'll stay. But don't be upset when I fly away
From this failed pregnancy. These lines are clearer, and I love your comparison of life to gestation, which sometimes terminates naturally or otherwise

That's right. I'll finally spread my wings,
A virgin - Still confused a bit. You changed your mind about knocking up a girl? Why?

I just hope. for..? I'm not sure what the end result of this poem is. Do you hope to die? Be free? Or not be vindictive towards your mother?

OVERALL:
While there were some very high points in poem, in the end it's just...muddled. There's no precision, or at least concise idea, to support the verbosity. I really liked where you started, though! And there was some very good writing. I just think you need to redirect the end, and get some direction and sense of progress, as it drags through the middle and sort of wiggles away near the end.
This has some real potential; you just need to go in and add some definition and precision, so the subtleties can really shine.

This is really good!! The first reply did a good job over everything, so I don't have much to say, but I'm thinking you'll want to capatalize 'said' in the 20th line, even though it's in the middle of the sentence. I don't know why, but it probably looks better if everything is uniform. But that part of the poem is fantastic. I really enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!

I don't find it muddled, in fact I find that 'muddled' is how it should feel, like you have to sort it out to fully understand. Makes you think.