Paradise Found

If the world weren't so vast, and my house not so clean
I would've been here on another morning,
walking in quiet dawn to see
a lake unbeknownst to thee.

Standing before her quavering lip
I kneel on my knees for a sip
of what may be forbidden fruit
If I worship this ground,
surely others will follow suit.

Or perhaps God has left this tiny hollow
to the breath of the forest and the flight of the swallow
as a haven from the thoughtless fear
I must be instilling by trespassing here.

the fog forming before my face
reminds me to on my way, make haste,
for while footprints on pavement cannot be observed
Paradise is always much more easily disturbed.

Hey Katty

If the world wasn't so vast, and my house, not as clean
I would've been here on another morning,
Walking in quiet dawn to see,
A lake unbeknownst to thee.

Standing before her quavering lip,
I kneels on my knees for a sip Kneel on your knees??
Of what may be the forbidden fruit.
If I worship this ground,
Surely others will follow suit.

Or perhaps, God has left this tiny hollow,
To the breath of the forest and the flight of the swallow, Are you talking about swallowing here?
As a haven from the thoughtless fear.
I must be instilling by trespassing here.

The fog curtaining before my face
Reminds me to on my way, make haste,
For while footprints on pavement cannot be observed,
Paradise is always much easier disturbed.

Here, that was beautifully written. Keep writing!

-Truth-

This is a very pretty poem; good imagery. A few nitpicks:

If the world weren't so vast, and my house not as clean
I would've been here on another morning,
walking in quiet dawn to see
a lake unbeknownst to thee. "Thee" doesn't really fit here.

Standing before her quavering lip Whom does "her" refer to?
I kneel on my knees for a sip
of what may be forbidden fruit
If I worship this ground,
surely others will follow suit.

Or perhaps God has left this tiny hollow
to the breath of the forest and the flight of the swallow Pretty line
as a haven from the thoughtless fear
I must be instilling by trespassing here. I also like this line.

The fog curtaining before my face
reminds me to be on my way, make haste,
for while footprints on pavement cannot be observed
paradise is always much easier disturbed. "More easily" would be the gramatically correct way to say that.

Overall: Good job! The rhyme and rhythm are consistent for the most part, and don't feel forced.

Great Poem , but need some work.

Tiger here to review per request! Comments shall be in bold.

KatTrain wrote:If the world weren't so vast, and my house not as clean 'Not so clean' might sound better.
I would've been here on another morning,
walking in the quiet dawn to see
a lake unbeknownst to thee.

Standing before her quavering lip
I kneel on my knees for a little I'm adding this because when you read the line above and then this one, this one seems a little short and breaks the flow of the rhyme. Little gives it that extra bit of length that doesn't quite make it too long sip
of what may be forbidden fruit
If I worship this ground,
surely others will follow suit.

Or perhaps God has left this tiny hollow
to the breath of the forest and the flight of the swallow
as a haven from the thoughtless fear Love the imagery and rhyming, but the thoughtless fear part leaves me slightly confused. Why would God, or anyone, fear her being there? It's just slightly unclear to me.
I must be instilling by trespassing here.

The fog curtaining before my face This sticks out like a sore thumb. It doesn't flow and just seems forced. I'm also not sure it's being used in the right context. Try forming or rising or just something else.
reminds me to on my way, make haste, This sentence sounds a little strange. I'm sorry to say I can't point it out exactly, but there's something slightly off about it.
for while footprints on pavement cannot be observed
paradise is always much more easily disturbed. I feel you should start this with capitals to make more of an impact

All in all, I like this poem a lot. Your imagery is beautiful and you use it very well. The reader is able to imagine the scene very well, and that's really important in poems. Probably your weakest stanza is the first, because though the opening line makes one curious enough to read more, there's not enough imagery in the stanza and I mostly fail to see how it relates to the whole poem. But apart from that, this was a really brilliant poem. Amazing job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

P.S. *likes*