Frecar - Chapter 2: A New World

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~~Frecar~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2: A New World

In an instant, Datto awoke and sat straight up. Where was he? He looked around, and noticed that he was on a beach. He looked at the sand and waves. They appeared to be normal. Everything was normal, except for the sun.

Instead of it being in a normal position in the sky, it turned out to be moving from one part of the water, to the another part. It did not make a complete journey from east to west. It was as if he were on the north pole. It was chilly after all. Maybe that weird guy had sent him to one of the poles.

Behind him was a lush forest.

"What?" he exclaimed. This wasn't normal. There shouldn't be a forest on one of the poles. They weren't evergreens, so why were they there? This place that the old man had sent him to was strange.

The old man! Who was he? How did he do this? Is this a dream? Did he knock Datto out? Or did he just transport Datto somewhere uninhabited? What did he say? What did it mean? So many questions... So... ... ... hungry!

"Where's there food around here?" said Datto while holding his stomach. He arose to search for something to eat in the forest. He walked in cautiously.

While walking, Datto thought to himself, 'At least this forest isn't extremely dense. I wonder if anyone lives here.'

Moments later, he came across a girl whose back was towards him. She was... fighting! Datto gasped, for he saw her move water around in mid-air using incantations! 'No one can do that!' he thought.

As she finished her spells, the water in the air, and on the ground, moved and was propelled at these fiery-like creatures.

They were like ghosts that were on fire all over. The fire gave them shape, and a floating bodily form. They were frightening. There were only six of them, and she extinguished them all in a matter of minutes. She was graceful in the way she spoke, and surprisingly, Datto could understand her speech. Although, the spells she chanted were not understandable to him.

Datto stepped forward to get a closer look at her face. He accidentally broke a twig on the ground and she turned around startled. She was in a fighting stance, ready to destroy the intruder with one quick chant of a spell. Datto shrank back a little, and she put her hands down to her side, exhausted. She noticed that he was not an adversary, but lost.

"Who are you, and what are you doing here?" she stated interrogatively.

"My name is Datto. I come in peace," he said nervously. He saw what she did to those fiery devils. "How did you do that?" said Datto.

"Do what?" she replied.

"How did you command the water to do that?"

"Are you not well? Can't you tell that I'm a water-mage, from the nation Aquires?" she said. She acted as though he were a local to this area.

"Aquires? I've never heard of it." Datto was very confused at this point. He didn't know if this was reality, or a dream. To help discern fact from fiction, he drew his sword and cut his shoulder. "Ouch!" he exclaimed in pain. "Yup, I'm not dreaming," he said sadly.

"You're clearly not from around here," said the mysterious girl. "The job of swordsman has vanished from existence ever since magic and elemental control came into play. It is as though you come from the past. Are you a hermit?"

"No," said Datto. "Wait," he said, "You mean there's whole nations who can do magic?"

"Correct."

"Look, I'm obviously not local, so can you help me get home?" said Datto. At this, the girl looked into the sky and said,

"Where you come from, do you have three moons?" He looked up at her with a new hope. Maybe he could make some sense out of all of this.

"Yes! Yes!" he replied happily. He then looked into the sky, and noticed that the closest moon, which should've been Genshoa 2, was a strangely different color. "That's not Genshoa 2," said Datto.

"Genshoa 2?" she said. "No, that moon is known as Bicantur."

"Could I be on another planet?" said Datto under his breath. She looked at him and gave him a smile of pity.

"My name is Kaira. It's nice to meet you Datto," she said.

"Hello Kaira," he said, "So, who were those weird things you destroyed earlier?"

"They were invading our land," she said with a disgusted look. "They were Solanite soldiers."

He disregarded her answer for it confused him even more, and so he decided to tell her about everything that's happened to him up to that point. They must have talked for at least a half an hour, for the sun was setting on the same horizon it arose from, indicating it was time for bed. But what an early bed time!

"Wow," she said. "You've gone through a lot lately. It's probably possible to use magic to send someone to another planet, but I don't even know of anyone who could do that."

"So," said Datto, "Who are the Solanites? And why did they send those monsters after you?"

"The Solanites are another nation. You see, there are five major nations and some small, insignificant, other ones. The five main nations are: The Solanites, The Aquires, The Aurons, The Arbellies, and The Photomuse. Ever since I could remember, there's been a world war going on between all of the five nations. There's a constant struggle for dominance. So far, the Solanites & their allies, the Photomuse Nation, have taken over the most amount of land on Frecar."

"Where?" said Datto baffled.

"Frecar. It is the name of the planet you're on right now," she said.

"Wow. I really am on another planet."

"Maybe the village elder can help you. He's the oldest man on the whole island, so I assume he knows the most about anything! Come, I'll take you to go see him," she said. Datto agreed, and they both arose from their sitting positions on the forest-beach floor and headed south, then east.

They approached a cave, dark and scary. 'Where is she leading me to?' thought Datto. Is she truly a friend, can he really trust her?
Last edited by sugarcube888 on Thu Jan 06, 2011 4:15 am, edited 2 times in total.
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He look around, and noticed that he was on a beach!

The exclamation point isn't needed.

Instead of being in a normal position in the sky, it turned out to be moving from one part of the water, to the another part. It was as if he were on the north pole. Come to think of it, it was kind of chilly. Maybe that weird guy had sent him to one of the poles. Behind him, was a lush forest.

This part is too random. His thoughts move too quickly. Try to slow it down a little.

They weren't evergreens so why were they there?

Put a comma after evergreens.

"Where's there food around here?" said Datto while holding his stomach.

Said should be asked.

While walking, Datto thought to himself, 'At least this forest isn't extremely dense. I wonder if anyone lives here.'

Why would Datto think both thoughts at the same time?

Moments later, he came across a girl whose back was towards him. She was... fighting! Datto gasped, for he saw her move water around in mid-air using incantations! 'No one can do that!' he thought. As she finished her spells, the water in the air, and on the ground, moved and was propelled at these fiery-like creatures. They were like ghosts that were on fire all over. The fire gave them shape, and a floating bodily form. They were frightening. There were only six of them, and she extinguished them all in a matter of minutes.

Slow down and give more details. You're moving too fast.

he noticed that he was not an adversary, but lost.

Huh?

"Are you not well? Can't you tell that I'm a water-mage, from the nation Aquires?" she said.

Would someone really say something like that?

So, to help discern fact from fiction, he drew his sword and cut his shoulder.

You don't need the so.

"Look, I'm obviously not local, so can you help me get home?" said Datto. At this, the girl looked into the sky and said,

"Where you come from, do you have three moons?" He looked up at her with a new hope. Maybe he could make some sense out of all of this.

"Where you come from, do you have three moons?" should be in the first paragraph.

He then looked into the sky, and noticed that the closest moon, which should've been Genshoa 2, was a strangely different color.

Should've should be should have.


This chapter is good, but I have a few problems. The girl is telling Datto too much information. Don't infodump. It makes the story dull. Also, if the people on each of the planets have never met, why can they speak the same language?
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The exclamation point isn't needed.
Got'cha! I'll fix that...


"Instead of being in a normal position in the sky, it turned out to be moving from one part of the water, to the another part. It was as if he were on the north pole. Come to think of it, it was kind of chilly. Maybe that weird guy had sent him to one of the poles. Behind him, was a lush forest."

This part is too random. His thoughts move too quickly. Try to slow it down a little.
It's not random when you're in his shoes. This is probably what one would notice and think about had he/she been transported to the same place Datto is in right now. But, I guess you're right in saying I should slow down, so I'll do just that!

Put a comma after evergreens.
Okay.

Said should be asked.
Right!

"While walking, Datto thought to himself, 'At least this forest isn't extremely dense. I wonder if anyone lives here.'"

Why would Datto think both thoughts at the same time?
He goes from noticing that the forest isn't extremely dense to wondering if people live here because normally people don't live in dense forests. Plus, he's in a strange and new land, why wouldn't he wonder if anyone else lives there?

Slow down and give more details. You're moving too fast.
Alright.

"She was in a fighting stance, ready to destroy the intruder with one quick chant of a spell. Datto shrank back a little, and she put her hands down to her side, exhausted. She noticed that he was not an adversary, but lost."

Huh?
If you read the previous sentences, you'll see that she was alert and ready for any sneak attack. Since Datto startled her, she thought he was an adversary (AKA, an enemy), and so she was about to attack. But she stopped since it was only a fellow human and realizing that she wasn't in any real danger. She also noticed that he was lost. Thus, the sentence goes, "She noticed that he was not an adversary, but lost." She noted that he wasn't an enemy, but a lost human.

"Are you not well? Can't you tell that I'm a water-mage, from the nation Aquires?" she said.

Would someone really say something like that?
Since he is on another planet, I would assume that dialect of a language would seem a bit different, especially in the way the foreigners form their sentences.

You don't need the so.
Okey-dokey!

"Where you come from, do you have three moons?" should be in the first paragraph
I'm not sure what you mean... Do you mean for me to rewrite the paragraph starting with her question, and then going with Datto's statement, and then the sentence about his revelation?

Should've should be should have.
Haha! I was kinda' confused with this at first... But now I understand. I'll change it.

This chapter is good, but I have a few problems. The girl is telling Datto too much information. Don't infodump. It makes the story dull. Also, if the people on each of the planets have never met, why can they speak the same language?
Thanks for the compliment on my story. Sorry about infodumping...?... Anyways, your last question is something I actually want readers to ask. After doing some further reading, you'll see how this is. Thanks for all of your criticism. And thanks for taking the time to read this. Please help in the future! :-)
Learn & live,
don't
Live & learn.

Example: There was a boy throwing rocks at a duck infested pond. One duck was hit and it signaled the other ducks to attack the boy. Another boy was watching and learned never to throw rocks at duck crowds. :-)



Knowing too much of your future is never a good thing.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief