Unrequited

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Well I'm currently going through some writers block so I decided to just post a small story :) it's an excerpt from a piece of work I am working on and just thought I'd post it on this :)

23 July 1723 - King Ephraim's castle
I gazed out at the aisle in front of me and picked up the scarlet train of my dress and tried to hold back a tear. I knew I should consider myself lucky. I knew that every single girl in the kingdom would murder me to be in my place- it's not every day that an heir to the throne would one day pick you out of every single girl in the kingdom to be his wife and it's definitely not every day that the girl he picked was heartbroken over a different man.

I remembered the day when Ephraim decided to propose to me, I freaked out and ran out of the balcony, I was planning to run back home and cry about it later. I knew what lay ahead of me as soon as he asked me to marry him. I ran out of the castle and into the street- it was raining and I fainted. I was lying in my room for a week after. I felt sick and Lucas tried to do everything he could to make me feel better. He didn't leave the bed and watched me day after day refusing to leave, my parents figured out what was going on, they saw their beloved daughter falling for their newly adopted son, they saw me falling for an outcast and soon enough Lucas was packing his bags and I was forced to live in the castle with Ephraim as his new bride-to-be.

I didn't even get to say goodbye. I was forced to live the past year in my bedchamber dreaming about him and the countless circumstances in which I got to see him, in those dreams he always looked the same, tall, sun-tanned with windswept white blond hair and bright almost luminous green eyes...there was only one difference, those green eyes looked haunted and the usual majestic white wings that spread from his back were gone replaced by tattered dirty feathers that fell down to the ground where he stood. I never even got to touch him.

I shook my head to get rid of the horrid memories and turned away from the crack in the door towards the enormous gold-framed mirror. I found myself staring at an auburn haired woman with pale white skin and bright blue eyes that seemed to be filled with years of misery. The scarlet dress looked striking against the pale white skin and auburn hair of the woman and fitted her slim delicate figure perfectly. Her hair was pulled up loosely with a golden tiara and pearl earrings dropped from her ears. I put my hand against the mirror and watched the woman do the same both our hands almost but never touching. It was beauty that killed the beast and it was beauty that killed me.

"Victoria," said a low voice behind me and I watched as my mother slim figure entered the surface of the mirror, she looked proud with her dark brown hair up in a severe looking bun laden with mounds of jewellery that glittered in the shaft of sunlight spilling in from the gaps in the curtains. She was wearing a dark green dress and white pearls. Her blue eyes were filled with pride and strange emptiness that I never noticed before.

"I know," I sighed, "I'm ready."

"I want you to know how proud I am of you," said my mother with a sigh of relief, "I know this isn't what you wanted but I'm still proud of you for doing it anyways-your father and I brought you up for this-"

"I'll never love him," I said bitterly and balled one hand into a fist, "I will never ever love Prince Ephraim!"

"Victoria," sighed my mother, "I know how you feel but this is how it's meant to be!"

"He only wants to marry me to get the throne," I whispered and glared at her through the mirror, "He was told that the only way he could be crowned is if he could guarantee the Kingdom a new heir. His father had no brothers you see, he was the only sole heir to the throne- he did the only thing that he knew would help him and that was to propose to me. He doesn't love me. He just wants to own me."

"Marriage isn't always about love," said my mother and walked towards the door.

"You loved father when you married him," I snapped at her, "You got to do what you wanted with your life! You got to love, mother, you got to live a happy life! Why couldn't I do the same?"

"Lucas wouldn't have stayed, love," said my mother and gave me a sad smile, "He would've left either way!"

I watched her leave feeling numb. My knees shook with the misery but I grabbed on to the corner of the mirror and held on. There was the sound of organ music and whispers of the crowd filled the room beside me. I straightened up and then picked up the bouquet of white roses on the ground and made my way towards the door. There was a loud shrill note and then the doors burst open and I gazed at the huge hall in front of me. Aisles and aisles of seats were arranged on either side of a red carpet at the other side stood Ephraim wearing a navy suit and a fake smile. His black hair looked smooth and sleek in the sunlight and hung to his chin. His dark black eyes managed to bore holes into me on the other side of the room. He was handsome with prominent pale cheekbones and a muscular thin figure.

I ignored the crowd on either side of me and held on to the bouquet as tight as I could then made my way through the aisle. I felt like the quick beating of my heart was echoing all around me and a rustle of wings filled my hearing. I could imagine Lucas storming through the doors to stop the wedding, I could imagine him proclaim his love for me and tell me that I was making a mistake. I wanted to hear his voice again. I wanted to hold him again.

Ephraim held out his hand and a lopsided grin surfaced on his face. I slowly extended my hand and numbly let myself commit to him even if it was the worst mistake I could ever make.

"Joy to the new King and Queen!" cried out the masked guests as they held out goblets filled with wine.

I forced a smile at Ephraim and he leaned toward me a hand creeping up my waist possessively "I love you," he whispered quietly, his breath grazing my ears.

I trembled at his breath and pulled his chin up with a hand, "Now let's not be hasty," I said putting a teasing edge into my voice, "The party isn't over yet."

Ephraim laughed softly, "Always the voice of wisdom," he said and pulled me towards the dance floor, "Come on let's dance."

I let him lead me towards the floor feeling the jealous and adoring eyes of the guests. The hall was beautiful with a huge glass ceiling on which hung a huge golden chandelier laden with thousands of lit candles that gave out bright flickering lights onto the reflective marble floor. The windows were floor to ceiling and covered with elegant white curtains that billowed out in the soft summer breeze outside. A huge orchestra stood on a wooden platform playing a peaceful melody to the many masked dancing couples already dancing on the floor.

I knew that if I was to marry Lucas we wouldn't have bothered with the whole marriage celebration. My heart ached with the secret longing and I tightened my arms around Ephraim wishing with all my heart that he was Lucas. We stood on the spot for what felt like years swaying to the music when suddenly a soft tanned hand extended towards me.
Ephraim let go of me and both of us stared into the masked face of one of the guests. He was wearing black which looked striking against his white blonde windswept hair. His black mask covered most of the top half of his face and one side of his lips was pulled up into a mischievous smile.

"One dance with the new Queen," he said softly, his voice was seductive and quiet.

Ephraim walked out of his way and grabbed the nearest free woman and forced her into a dance. She looked flustered. I narrowed my eyes at the stranger then dutifully held out my hand and let him pull me closer to him.

"Who are you?" I asked quietly.

The stranger chuckled, "I might ask you the same thing," he said his voice making me tremble then the smile vanished from his face and he leaned towards me, there was sudden venom in his voice, "Isn't that what the masks are for? We wear them to conceal us from each other."

I felt my heart speed up with strange irrational fear and I tried to pull away but he pulled me closer to him and refused to let me go, "Hello Victoria," he murmured, "I'm happy to see you too!"

"Lucas," I murmured under my breath and my heart began to pound harder in my chest, I automatically glared around me to make sure that Ephraim wasn't paying attention but he was too busy entertaining a group of young women, "What are you doing here?" I hissed then tried to pull away from him, "Go away! You shouldn't be here!"

"Are you trying to say that I shouldn't get to see what was meant to be rightfully mine?" hissed Lucas.

"You left me!" I hissed and struggled to unlock his hold on me but he twirled me around in time with the rest of the dancers.

"Only because I had to," said Lucas bitterly, "I would've left you either way!"

"Then why are you here?" I asked and tears threatened to fall out of my eyes, "I was better off without you! You can get caught! Go away!"

"I know a better punishment then prison at the moment," murmured Lucas, "And it's the punishment I'll get for this next act."

"What are you talking about?"

Lucas suddenly twirled me around in another circle then suddenly we were out of the dance hall and in the dark silent corridor. The ghostly music of the dance hall floated towards us and I tried to make myself breathe as he leaned over me, two hands braced on either side of my head against the wall.

"I hate myself for leaving you," whispered Lucas and his eyes glared forcefully into mine conveying his pain and torture, "I hate myself for letting you fly past me so many times! You don't know how much I hate myself for letting you go to that man! But I know I left you in good hands. We can't be."

"If you came here to tell me the obvious then you shouldn't have come," I whispered bitterly I put a hand on his chest to push him off but he grabbed it and forced it against the wall, pulling off his mask and gazing at me with a pain stricken handsome expression. Even in his pain and anger he still looked like the angel I had known him to be.

"I came here to say goodbye," whispered Lucas and closed his eyes, "It kills me to let you go but it'll kill me to keep you! I know that the only thought going through your head is that you lost an opportunity to be with me forever but you didn't lose anything! We wouldn't have lasted! I love you Victoria and I always will but we're two different beings, I would've destroyed you."

"Isn't this destroying you now?" I hissed, "How can you be so...calm?"

"It is destroying me now!" snapped Lucas and grabbed my chin and pulled it to his face forcefully, he opened his eyes and glared at me with intense anger "If you think this isn't killing me you're wrong!"

I watched him fearfully, my chest heaving with suppressed rage and fear but in spite of those feelings the lingering feelings I had felt for him for so long began to resurface. I was filled with that horrible deathly longing to be close to him, I wanted him to kiss me.

"Then go," I said as calmly as I could and pulled my chin away from his hand stubbornly, "Go run!"

Something flickered in his eyes and then suddenly he pushed me against the wall and crushed his lips against mine. That momentarily kiss made me breathless and I felt like a piece of me was torn apart as he pulled away, his lips just a few breaths away.

"I want you to leave," I managed to breathe; afraid to move just in case he'll leave.

"I will," murmured Lucas and one hand rolled down my shoulder to fall against my waist, "One more kiss," he breathed and kissed me again.

I refused to let go of him, twisting my hands around his neck and pulling him closer to me. My lips moved against his passionately and every time his tongue brushed against mine I felt my heart speed up again.

We let go reluctantly our lips just barely apart, "I love you," I breathed my fingers brushing against his smooth skin cheek.

"Forever," murmured Lucas.

There was a small breeze and I opened my eyes...Lucas wasn't there and in his place lay a small white feather...
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

Alexx




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Hi there, I haven't reviewed in quite some time, so bear with me if I sound amateurish :P
I noticed 2 things you should probably work on before you progress too far into your novel and end up having to do massive edits.
1) Your language has to fit the period in which the story is set, in order to be more authentic. Expressions like 'freaked out' are much too modern for 1723 :)
2) You have a tendency to use long sentences to cram in all the explanations and descriptions. Remember to vary your sentence lengths :)

Another thing, if this is just an excerpt, then it has mentioned a whole lot of information and may make readers dizzy with the pace. If this is part of a novel, take your time! You have plenty of pages to let the story develop at a good pace, rather than try to rush everything out in one breath. That way, you can actually develop this excerpt, bolster it with vivid imagery to help us picture your story.

That said, you've done a good job of your story (don't you dare be discouraged!) and managed to yet leave intrigue in this story to make readers want more. I hope you will not be offended by my comments and instead let it help you improve your story.

Feel free to PM me if you need any additional help :D
Have a great day,
Meep(:
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"




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Hey there!

Hmm... I have to admit, at first I thought this was going to be another disappointing fantasy piece. You know, those unoriginal ones that have the kings and queens, the king is an abusive monster and the queen is too shallow and stupid to run away? And then there's this love that she has lost? Well, it was like that... but it is certainly not lame. I loved it!

I don't have time for a very precise review with quotes and such because I am trying to cram reviews in for review day, so bear with me. If you want further detail and descriptions, PM me and I will get back to this later.

Your second paragraph does not reflect your writing. Your writing is calm, sweet and realistic. The second paragraph is too jammed with description. To me, it just sounds like, "I... and then I... and then we... and then I did this after... and finally this..." It's boring, and has no depth. You need to find a way to make that paragraph important. Let me tell you this: We really don't need to know how he proposed. All we need to know is how your main character reacted to it to get a better impression of her.

I love the scene where you describe what she looks like. I think it is amazing. At first I was like "Oh she is describing another person entering" but then I put two - and - two together and realized that you were describing her. See, you need to copy exactly what you did in that paragraph with all of your descriptions: in that paragraph you added the perfect amount of 'show' and the perfect amount of 'tell.' The tell being "She had brown hair" and the show being "her glistening eyes the color of the sky" (my made up descriptions). I also love how you didn't say "I have auburn hair". You made it seem like it was another person, and that added so much to the affect. It really makes her seem like she doesn't know herself. Beautiful job.

Now, one of the only truly negative parts of this is:

I watched her leave feeling numb. My knees shook with the misery but I grabbed on to the corner of the mirror and held on. There was the sound of organ music and whispers of the crowd filled the room beside me.


What? Whaat? That's all the emotion we get from your main character? I felt numb and my knees shook with the misery? For one, what is the misery? I know I know, we find out later what it is, and that's great, keep it a mystery, more interesting. However, I would like to see more emotion. I can't imagine that she is just sad and miserable about this. I imagine, if this was myself, that after I take a moment to cry and fall because of my numb legs, I would throw something. Add a bit of anger! I think that might be the number one emotion you lack in this. While there are signs of anger, I feel like it's just intense sorrow that seems like anger. It would be normal for a girl to get angry over this, especially if she has already had time to recuperate. The emotions you describe would only be appropriate of Lucas had died, not just left her. Because it was a choice, it is even worse, so her emotions about it should be even worse.

Alright! That's pretty much all I have to say. Everything else was wonderful, and I wouldn't change a thing. All you need to do is think about what I said above about her emotion about Lucas, and your characters would be perfect. You're a great writer, keep it up.

Classy



Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.
— Holden Caulfield