As Kingfishers Catch Fire (Original Remake)

Okay, so I'm really not good with poetry, but I need some help editing this, and a few others I haven't posted yet, for a school assignment. We were given the first line of an existing poem and told to write our own poem around it. This is just a rough draft, and I know I need some serious help to make it better. Any help is appreciated

As Kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame;
With smokey breath and wild wings
they fail to stop what they created

Once, earthen colors hid the birds,
--But fire always draws them out
Wings of cold and crimson blood
Kingfishers dip towards the water

Refuge--not near enough!
As the Kingfisher drops toward the glassy water,
The dragonfly spirals in his way

It's too late now
--They crash into the water like a brick
Sink towards the lake floor
They paid for their folley

It's rare for me to be impressed, but I LastPaladin have to say I am impressed and even though your first line used from another poem, you manage to keep the same rhythm and beauty conveyed in the first line. The stunning imagery and the eventual fall and all put together in such a way you can truly nod your head in such splendour. But enough praise I shall explain if I like this enough and also with scrutiny does this deserve the same praise.

This is really showing great potential from get-go, you establish the scene in a subtle way, radiating the beauty ahead of schedule and giving us the chance to be devoured by it. I love how you work on this with a great use of words and many amazing lines, it's a great start. After that we have another great first line with just plain stunning imagery as evidenced by such zingers as:

Once, earthen colors hid the birds,
--But fire always draws them out

I love the suggestion that much like moths they're attracted to their own destruction, I honestly feel that's an original concept way it's done here.

Then the desperation builds and it's getting obvious we're getting to the closing, really showing with vivid description of said scene.

Finally, it slows and the last line:

They paid for their folley

A terrific delivery, and as far as I can see the only weakened verse is second last stanza with one being a bit too long for the speed of the drop.

Overall: I throughly enjoyed this, and would hope you consider to write a piece outside of school, you have promise, a great vocab and impressive imagery. It was an enjoyable piece and it gets my first like of my reviews today.

Congrats.

Hey there,

I think you've got a great start here; the language is nice, and so are the images. I do kind of question the meaning, though. The story you're giving us here just seems a tad confused to me.

Take this line: "they fail to stop what they created": does 'they' refer to the kingfishers or the dragonflies? I lean towards the kingfishers, which are the ones that seem described by the "smokey breath and wild wings" (although a bird's breath is not something I easily picture, at least not where smoke is also involved; I suppose it is a bit easier than for a dragonfly), but neither "catch" nor "draw" imply creation.

Second stanza, you go from "earthen colors" to "wings of cold" (how does that work with the earth, or the fire?), and then the "crimson blood" (which sure, refers to the color, but seems a tad brutal and random), and then whoo, water.

The third stanza adds to the confusion. The repetition of water notwithstanding, I'm kind of wondering why the dragonfly would come in the way. You should expand on the relationship between the two a bit more, make the connections clearer, because right now it's a tangled mess of not much.

This continues on to the ending. "Like a brick" is kind of a disappointment--I'm sure you could find a nicer simile, as this one breaks your stride in its complete lack of originality. And that last line--what folly? What was it that the kingfishers did wrong?

Maybe I'm just missing something here, but in any case, please rework this a bit. As I said, you've got a nice start, but now it's time to polish a bit.