A Painted Ponies Story

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“Dad can’t this thing go any faster!”

“Relax Abbey, they’re all not going to disappear before we get there.” my mother soothed me. I sighed but remained silent. We had been driving down this dirt road for what seemed to be hours but in fact had been only five minutes and all I’ve seen is the sign that hung over the drive that said “Mr. Dublin’s” with horses rearing on either side of it and trees, endless trees.
Suddenly to my great delight, the road curved off into a huge clearing that contained an old, restored Victorian House and a huge barn painted the traditional coat of red. Next to that was a wide, fenced off area that contained a few horses grazing. I grinned excitedly. When I was younger my parents promised me that if I behaved and did well in school then they would buy me a horse on my twelth birthday and that day had finally arrived. For the past couple summers I had worked on a horse farm so I would know how to take care and handle my horse. The owner of the farm, Mrs. Bradley, had suggested going to Mr. Dublin’s. She said he sold the finest horses around and had good horses for a first time horse owner like me.
As I looked around I drew in a deep breath loving how the smells of hay, grass, and horse all mingled together. I could barely keep myself from running to the barn. Its open doors seemed to call to me to come inside and take a look at the treasures it had in store.

“Hello! My name is Mr. Dublin. You must be the Fenderson’s Mrs. Bradley told me about! Welcome!” a portly man dressed in a blue plaid shirt wearing blue jeans and a cowboy hat and boots walked towards us smiling broadly. “Yes, thank you. This is our daughter Abbey. She’s come to get her first horse.” my dad said shaking Mr. Dublin’s hand.
“Ok then, why don’t you come inside and get started. I’ve got plenty to choose from.” he said smiling.
We walked towards the barn and I almost started to shake I was so excited; I wanted to scream with happiness. Instead, I walked quickly towards the yawning opening in the barn and looked inside. I could hear fans whirring above me and the snorts of horses and the rustle of movement as they peered out of their stalls to get a look. I walked slowly from horse to horse looking at their descriptions, petting a few. Though strangely none of them got my attention. I still felt a pull towards the back. There was one beautiful brown horse called Buttercup that originally I would’ve been all over but still I moved down. Then when I had reached the back I gasped when I saw Her. Her coat and mane were white. So white she seemed to glow. I gazed upon her awestruck, expecting to see wings as if she was a Pegasus. It was like she was out of a fairy tale. I shook my head to clear it and when I opened my eyes the magicalness was gone but it didn't manage to take away the horse's beauty.
As I looked closer I could see her coat was yellowed in some spots from not being washed and had straw and dirt hanging from it and in a lot of spots it was matted. I slowly walked towards her, she turned her head towards me. I gasped shocked. Her eyes were blue! Blue like the sky on a sunny day. She continued to look at me with her intelligent eyes as if she was assessing me. Apparently she thought I was okay because she gave a whuff that sounded like a sigh of relief and leaned her head out towards me. I was surprised to see that my left hand had unconsciously been raised half way up towards her. I stepped towards her and laid my hand on her cheek and stroked her carefully.

“Miss! Miss! Get away from her, she is highly dangerous….” Mr. Dublin trailed off as he saw what was happening. “Bu…But she…she's highly dangerous!” he exclaimed clearly bewildered.
Dangerous? I thought. How could this beautiful creature be dangerous? She felt so gentle and delicate in my hands. I looked at him quizzically.

“We found her wandering the woods. She put up quite a fight; had to tranquilize her actually. Nobody can go near her ‘cause she rears and bites at them. The only one who’s ever gotten near her was me. If she didn’t start acting nicely we would’ve had to put her down. The only reason we haven’t so far is because no one has the guts to do it. She’s such a magnificent creature.” he explained.

“Abbey, maybe we should try a different horse. She sounds dangerous.” My mom said eyeing the horse uneasily.
I gasped, “But Mom! This is the one I want! Angel.” I pleaded with her. I called her Angel because that’s exactly what she was, an angel. “See? She’s not even biting or rearing. She’s being a perfect little lady.” I smiled her.
“Excuse me Mrs. Fenderson, but she's right.. She is being remarkably docile. It's truly a miracle.” My mom pursed her lips in thought. Oh please, please! Let me have her. I pleaded silently looking at her expectantly. “All right,” my mom sighed. “You can have her. But the moment she starts acting up. She’s gone. Do you hear me?” she asked sternly. “Oh yes! Oh thank you, thank you!” I ran to her hugging her tightly and kissed her on the cheek. She chuckled, “Ok. Now get her ready to go.”

“Ok.” my dad asked, “How much?” While my dad discussed prices with Mr. Dublin, I got Angel ready for the trailer. Letting myself into the stall, I found her halter and slipped it on her leading her to the trailer that was hooked to the end of our truck. She hesitated for a bit but she came up the ramp after a few encouragements.

“Thank you very much Mr. Dublin!” I called out to him as we pulled out.

“It's my pleasure. Thanks for stopping by." I waved until his smiling face disappeared. I leaned back into my seat and sighed contently as I thought of my beautiful Angel riding in the back of the trailer.

We lived in an old, ranch style house that had come with a broken down barn that over the years we’ve restored. We had several acres and had fenced off some of it for the horse, clearing it of stones. When we arrived I jumped out of the truck and ran to the trailer, quickly lowering the ramp, my heart pounding, as if I didn’t see her soon she would just disappear. I stopped as soon as I saw her, relief pouring through me. It was as if she emanated calm and it affected me. I led her down the ramp and into her stall. My parents had gone and unhooked the trailer and put it away in the shed. I leaned against her stall door as she moved around poking her hay, water trough and the new halter that hung up on the side wall; I had already put away her old one. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was investigating her new home. Man she needs a brushing badly I thought. Walking over to the other side of the barn, I picked up the brushing kit and headed back, opening her stall. As soon as I shut the door she turned towards me, sniffing the kit curiously and then turned towards the hay munching silently, satisfied with her investigation. Setting down the kit and grabbing a brush, I began to vigorously brush her. Soon there were dirt, straw and white hairs flying all over the place. I knew my brown hair and clothes were covered in it. My mom would throw a fit when she saw me. I could see Angel loved the attention, making horrible faces of ecstasy, making me laugh. Ohhh…that feels sooo good! I dropped the brush in surprise. It sounded female, and was the most beautiful voice I'd ever heard. It definitely wasn’t my mom’s voice. I didn’t recognize this voice. I looked out the stall to see if anyone was there. The barn was empty. I looked around confused but then I shrugged. It was getting late and I was tired from all the excitement of the day. I had probably just imagined it. I picked up the brush and continued. Excuse me but could you go over my back? I have an awful itch there. What the..? I looked out and again, saw no one. “Hello? Is anybody there?” I called out. I was getting kind of irritated. “If this is supposed to be a joke it’s not funny.” Angel turned her head towards me and stomped her foot impatiently. There isn’t anybody out there, it’s just me talking. No get back here and finish brushing me! I looked at Angel stunned. “Angel! Was...was that you talking?” Yes. Now can you please finish brushing me? She pleaded.
“But that’s impossible! Horses’ can’t talk!” I stuttered backing away towards the wall. My foot hit something and suddenly I was falling. I felt a sharp pain as my head hit the wall, blackness descending.
Abbey? Are okay? I groggily opened my eyes to see Angel’s blurry face sniffling over me. “No, no. This is all just a dream.” I murmured to myself. I closed my eyes again hoping that when I opened them everything would turn normal. No strange, beautiful voices coming from animals that weren’t supposed to be talking. I felt Angel’s warm breath as she snorted. I’m afraid not dear. This is not a dream. Now, get up, slowly though. I started to sit up and gasped when pain rushed in. “Ouch.” I moaned putting my hand to my head. “It hurts.” Of course it does. You banged you head against the wall. I leaned against the wall looking at her though it was kinda hard. I must've been out for a while because it was already dark. “How is it,” I asked warily, “that you can talk?”
It’s a very long story. One, I believe that would be best told in the morning when you feel better. Right now, you need sleep and probably food.She said. As if on cue, my stomach growled noisely. I sighed, frustrated. “But how will I be able to sleep with this on my mind? I’ll be up all night trying to figure it out.” I told her. Angel looked at me contemplating. No. I'll tell you in the morning. I huffed in irritation but finding it hard to argue with a pounding head, I got up and left. When I got to the kitchen I made myself a sandwich eating slower than I would usually have done. My parents were asleep, assuming that I would want to spend all my time with the horse they didn't really expect me to sleep in the hourse. I've slept in the barn dozens of times before. In the ordinary, plain kitchen away from Angel’s fairy tale presence it was hard to believe what had happened. I got ready for bed oonvincing myself uselessly that it was fake. Just a trick of the mind. But even as I was closing my eyes it didn't really take.

All right, if I must, I must. I grinned mentally, happy to get the mystery solved. Ok. She said, lying down on the straw. I come from a land called Gardenia. A place filled with magyk and mystical beings. There many types of horses there. They used to fill the place, covering every corner. I come from the noble line of Pegasus’; unfortunately I happen to be the last. She said sadly. Gardenia is not just filled with creatures, but with man too. Until recently Gardenia was happily ruled by a man called Hiroldo. Hiroldo was a kind and fair ruler making Gardenia a safe and happy place to live in. Now, there’s a black horse called Zeroc. He has been dabbling in the dark arts of magyk and thus has turned cruel and ambitious. One day Hiraldo met Zeroc on a trip to a nearby friend. Zeroc tricked the King into liking him, using his magyk he whispered evil thoughts into his head thus turning Hiroldo evil and practically insane listening to only Zeroc and no one else. Zeroc had Hiroldo murder his own son so no one else could take the throne. Zeroc knew of the possibility of being killed by someone stronger than him so he told the King to wipe out all the magykal creatures, leaving only the dumb beasts that human eat upon. We lost many but a few of us managed to hide using our abilities, like the Zorse’s, they are able to blend in but Zeroc created a type of hell dog to sniff them out quite accurately. There was a prophecy spoken that spoke of hope. A girl, touched by the land itself, would save us. Zeroc also knows of this and has sent out his minions to kill you to make sure this never comes true. I have spent nearly half my life looking for you, to save you Abbey and make sure the prophecy does come true. Angel said gravely. I looked at her astonished. “But that can’t possibly be!” I cried. “I’m just a girl. A human girl, with no special powers whatsoever! There’s no way I’m the one who’s supposed to save you.” I said stubbornly shaking my head. But you are Abbey! I can sense it. I told you Gardenia was a magykal land. Magyk rides on the air currents filling the air; it flows through the babbling creeks and streaming rivers. It is in the very veins of the earth Abbey. And occasionally it will manifest itself in someone or something. You and I are very special creatures Abbey; we are the few who can say we have Silver Blood, magyk blood. That is why I know you are the one. I can sense it. The blood we share is why we are able to communicate with each other. I don’t actually talk; it’s more of like I’m speaking to your mind. Your Silver Blood is very strong. When we go to Gardenia it will start to awaken and you will know what to do for it is a part of yourself and thus instinctual. Denying it would be denying yourself. “So let me make this straight,” I asked. “You are a Pegasus that comes from magical land called Gardenia which has been taken over by an evil tyrant and you expect me, an average teenage girl, to what…kill him?!” There was no way I would ever kill anybody. The thought of it made me shudder. Sure I played video games and killed people and things on there, but that was fake. Pretending and actually doing something are totally different things.
Yes, she said looking at me sadly but gravelly. And the word is magykal not magic. “Whatever.” I replied absentmindedly to her still absorbing all this. I had to leave Tennessee, my parents, friends, and everything that I loved and was familiar with, and go to a strange dangerous place that I just learned about a few minutes ago. Yeah right, like any normal person would immediately say yes to that. I jumped at the sound of my stomach growling looking down in astonishment as if it was strange that it would make such a sound. Why don’t you go home and get some food and rest. You can think all this through and maybe make a decision in the morning. Angel suggested gently. I nodded agreeing with her but I had to quickly stop as the pain in my head started to throb. Food would be nice I thought as my stomach growled again, a nap too, I yawned. I got up stiffly from sitting for so long and made my way back to my house, surprised to see it was so dark out.
Last edited by RoseGryffindor on Sat May 28, 2011 7:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"




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Hey there Rose, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review.

First off, please don't take what I'm saying personally! I've been called a harsh reviewer; it's not because I don't like your story or anything (actually I'm a fellow horse lover); I'm just very matter-of-fact and call it like I see it.

Now, onto the review!

Your main character seems very young; I was guessing her age to be about twelve or thirteen, so finding out that she's actually sixteen is a bit of a shock. I'd suggest toning down the squealiness and the typical "OMG a pretty horse!" stereotype you've got going. Make her seem a bit more real. Sure, some sixteen year olds could be like that, but it just definitely makes her age seem younger.

Your story also seemed very rushed in some places, like when they first arrive at the barn. Keep a steady pace and don't jump ahead too much to get on with the story; it makes it more unbelievable when the adults are hurrying through their conversations and such. Also, this Mr. Dublin fellow is a bit too flat. He really just feels like a necessary add on for the story, simply put there because there needs to be someone running the barn. And his reaction when Abbey starts petting the mare is also too quick and flat. There's just plain shock and then he's getting rid of the horse...I don't know, you could just stretch it out a bit longer and give him more of a personality.

The whole scene of the girl going up to the supposedly wild and untamable horse and being able to pet it and soothe it without any exertion has been done to death. I really hate to be bringing this up, but it does feel far too young. And too perfect; a girl finds the most beautiful horse and gets to take it home for free, only to find out that it is indeed a pegasus from a magical land...just too overdone.

RoseGryffindor wrote:Preface
I knew as soon as I saw her that she was special. I just didn’t know how special she truly was.


I find this preface quite unnecessary. It's short, not too clear, and is a clichéd beginning. I think you could delete this and it would work just fine.

“Relax Abbey, they’re all not going to disappear before we get there.” my mother soothed me.


This is something I noticed--your punctuation dialogue. Don't worry, it's some trippy stuff, so I'd suggest reading this link on the rules; I use it all the time.

I picked up the brush and continued. Excuse me but could you go over my back? I have an awful itch there. What the..? I looked out and, again, saw no one. “Hello? Is anybody there?” I called out. I was getting kind of irritated. “If this is supposed to be a joke it’s not funny.” Angel turned her head towards me and stomped her foot impatiently. There isn’t anybody out there, it’s just me talking. No get back here and finish brushing me! I looked at Angel stunned. “Angel! Was that you talking?” Yes. Now can you please finish brushing me? She pleaded.


Every time Angel speaks, it should be a new paragraph. Same with the girl.

When Angel gives her story, there's a lot of info-dumping. There's just too much information to absorb at one time. Perhaps she could give her story in snippets; even have the girl interrupt every now and then, just to break it up a bit. But that whole chunk of text can be something of a turn-off when it comes to reading it.

Okay, that's all I have to say! Please PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Keep on writing! :)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Very nice story! Have not heard one like it before. I usually do not read such long stories, but when I saw it was about horses, I just could not resist!
There were many things that I saw would best be changed, but since your story is so long, quoting every single thing would take forever. So I just took the story and inserted my reviews. Hope you don't mind!This is actually my first edit. Like before, great story!

Preface
I knew as soon as I saw her that she was special. I just didn’t know how special she truly was.


“Dad can’t this thing go any faster!”

“Relax Abbey, they’re all not going to disappear before we get there.” my mother soothed me. I sighed but remained silent. We had been driving down this dirt road for what seemed to be hours but in fact had been only five minutes and all I’ve seen is the sign that hung over the drive that said “Mr. Dublin’s” with horses rearing on either side of it and trees, endless trees. Suddenly, to my great delight, the road curved off into a huge clearing that contained an old, restored Victorian House and a huge barn painted the traditional coat of red. Next to that was a wide, fenced off area that contained a few horses grazing.{could start a new paragraph here} I grinned excitedly. When I was younger my parents promised me that they would but me a horse on my sixteenth birthday if I behaved in and did well school, and that day had finally arrived. For the past couple summers I had worked on a horse farm so I would know how to take care of and handle a horse. The owner of the horse farm, Mrs. Bradley, had suggested going to Mr. Dublin’s. She said he sold the finest horses around and had some good horses for a first time horse owner.
As I looked around I drew in a deep breath, loving how the smells of hay, grass, and horse all mingled together. I could barely keep myself from running to the barn. Its open doors seemed to call to me to come inside and take a look at the treasures it had in store for me. to see.

“Hello! My name is Mr. Dublin. You must be the Fendersons (not a conjunction or possessive)that Mrs. Bradley told me about! Welcome!” a portly man dressed in a blue plaid shirt wearing blue jeans and a cowboy hat and boots walked towards us smiling broadly. “Yes, thank you. This is our daughter Abbey. She’s come to get her first horse.” my dad said shaking Mr. Dublin’s hand.
Okay,(best to spell it out) then why don’t you come inside and get started. I’ve got plenty to choose from.” We walked towards the barn and I almost started to shake; I was so excited I wanted to scream with happiness.( sounds better blended together) Instead I walked quickly towards the yawning opening in the barn and looked inside. {reduce spaces} I could hear the fans whirring above me, the snorts of horses, and the rustle of movement as they peered out of their stalls to get a look.(listings go better with commas than separate periods) There were dozens of horses! Ranging from grey to black to brown, there were all types; and some were ponies while some were aged, and the sizes ranged from small to large. It was mind boggling! I walked slowly from horse to horse while looking at their descriptions and petting a few. Though, strangely, (pauses are needed here) none of them got my attention, I still felt a pull towards the back.There was one beautiful brown horse called Buttercup that originally I would’ve been all over, but still I moved down.{start new paragraph here} When I had reached the back I gasped when I saw her(pronoun); she was gorgeous!( blending sentences sounds better here) Her coat and mane were so white that she seemed to glow, I swear she did!(commas are better used here) I gazed upon her, awestruck, expecting to see wings. It was like she was out of some fairy tale! But as I looked closer I could see her coat was yellowed in some spots from not being washed and had straw and dirt hanging from it, (pause needed) and in a lot of spots it was matted. From the time I spent on the farm, (pause) I knew that meant she was a problem horse if she wasn’t well-kept. But still, I slowly walked towards her and she turned her head towards me. I gasped shocked. Her eyes were blue, like (sounds better) the sky on a sunny day. She continued to look at me with her intelligent eyes as if she was assessing me. Apparently she thought I was okay because she gave a "woof!" (proper spelling, and don't you mean neigh?) that sounded like a sigh of relief and leaned her head out towards me. I was surprised to see that my left hand had unconsciously been raised half way up towards her. I stepped towards her and laid my hand on her cheek and stroked her carefully.

“Miss! Miss! Get away from her, she is highly dangerous….” Mr. Dublin trailed off as he saw what was happening. “Bu…But she…she is supposed to be highly dangerous!” he exclaimed, (pause) clearly bewildered. Dangerous? I thought. How could this beautiful creature be dangerous? She felt so gentle and delicate in my hands. I looked at him quizzically.

“We found her wandering the woods. She put up quite a fight; had to tranquilize her actually. Nobody can go near her ‘cause she rears and bites at them. The only one who’s ever gotten near her was me. If she didn’t start acting nicely we would’ve had to put her down. The only reason we haven’t so far is because no one has the guts to do it. She’s such a magnificent creature,” he explained.

“Abbey, maybe we should try a different horse. She sounds dangerous.” My mom said, eyeing the horse uneasily.
I gasped, “But Mom! This is the one I want! Angel.” I pleaded with her. I called her Angel because that’s exactly what she is: an angel. “See? She’s not even biting or rearing. She’s being a perfect little lady.” I smiled her.
“Excuse me Mrs. Fenderson, but I think you should let Abbey have her. She is being remarkably docile. This is truly a miracle.” My mom pursed her lips in thought. Oh please, please! Let me have her, I pleaded silently looking at her expectantly. “All right,” my mom sighed. “You can have her. But the moment she starts acting up. She’s gone. Do you hear me?” she asked sternly. “Oh yes! Oh thank you, thank you!” I ran to her hugging her tightly and kissed her on the cheek. She just chuckled, “Ok. Now get her ready to go.”

Okay,” (spell out) my dad asked, “How much?”

“She’s free.” Mr. Dublin said.

My dad blinked in surprise. “What?”
“No one would buy her and we were going to have to put her down. She likes your daughter so I’m giving her to you.”
I squealed silently. This day was AWESOME! I let myself into the stall and found her halter and slipped it on her leading her to the trailer that was hooked to the end of our truck. She hesitated for a bit, but she came up the ramp after a few encouragements.

“Thank you very much Mr. Dublin!” I called out to him as we pulled out.

“No thank you Abbey. You saved her life.” I waved until his smiling face disappeared. I leaned back into my seat and sighed contently as I thought of my beautiful Angel riding in the back of the trailer.

We lived in an old, ranch style house that had come with a broken down barn that over the years we’ve restored. We have several acres and had fenced off some of it for the horse and cleared if of stones. When we arrived I jumped out of the truck and ran to the trailer, quickly lowering the ramp, my heart pounding, as if I didn’t see her soon she would disappear. I stopped as soon as I saw her, relief pouring through me. It was as if she emanated calmness(sounds better) and it affected me. I led her down the ramp and into her stall. My parents had gone and unhooked the trailer and put it away in the shed. I leaned against her stall door as she moved around poking her hay, water trough and the new halter that hung up on the side wall; I had already put away her old one. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was investigating her new home. 'Man, she needs a brushing badly,' I thought (speaking inside). I walked over to the other end of the barn and picked up the brushing kit and headed back, opening her stall. As soon as I shut the door she turned towards me and sniffed the kit curiously, and then turned towards the hay munching silently, satisfied with her investigation. I set down the kit and grabbed, then began to brush her vigorously.(flows better) Soon there were dirt, straw and white hairs flying all over the place. I knew my brown hair and clothes were covered in it. My mom would throw a fit when she saw me. I could see Angel loved the attention, making horrible faces of ecstasy, making me laugh. Ohhh…that feels sooo good! I dropped the brush in surprise. It sounded female, and was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. It definitely wasn’t my mom’s voice. I didn’t recognize this voice. I looked out the stall to see if anyone was there. The barn was empty. I looked around, confused, but then I shrugged. It was getting late and I was tired from all the excitement of the day. I had probably just imagined it. I picked up the brush and continued. Excuse me but could you go over my back? I have an awful itch there. What the..? I looked out and, again, saw no one. “Hello? Is anybody there?” I called out. I was getting kind of irritated. “If this is supposed to be a joke it’s not funny.” Angel turned her head towards me and stomped her foot impatiently. There isn’t anybody out there, it’s just me talking. No get back here and finish brushing me! I looked at Angel stunned. “Angel! Was that you talking?” Yes. Now can you please finish brushing me? She pleaded.
“But…but that’s impossible! Horses can’t talk!” I stuttered, backing away towards the wall. Suddenly I was falling and I felt the sharp pain as my head hit the wall, making me black out.
Abbey? Are okay? I groggily opened my eyes to see Angel’s blurry face sniffling over me. “No, no. This is all just a dream.” I murmured to myself. I closed my eyes again hoping that when I opened them everything would turn normal. No strange, beautiful voices coming from animals that weren’t supposed to be talking. I felt Angel’s warm breath as she snorted. I’m afraid not dear. This is not a dream. Now, get up, slowly though. I started to sit up and I gasped when the pain rushed in. “Ouch.” I moaned putting my hand to my head. “It hurts.” Of course it does. You banged you head against the wall. I leaned against the wall looking at her, my curiosity overcoming the pain. “How is it,” I asked, “that you can talk?” It’s a very long story. One, I believe that would be best told in the morning when you feel better. Right now, you need sleep and probably food. She said. I sighed, frustrated. “But how will I be able to sleep with this on my mind? I’ll be up all night trying to figure it out.” I told her. Angel looked at me contemplating, All right, if I must, I must. I grinned mentally, happy to get the mystery solved. Ok. She said, lying down on the straw. I come from a land called Gardenia. A place filled with magyk and mystical beings. There many types of horses there. They used to fill the place, covering every corner. I come from the noble line of Pegasus; unfortunately I happen to be the last. She said sadly. Gardenia is not just filled with creatures, but with man too. Until recently Gardenia was happily ruled by a man called Hiroldo. Hiroldo was a kind and fair ruler, making Gardenia a safe and happy place to live in. Now, there’s a black horse called Zeroc. He has been dabbling in the dark arts of magyk and thus has turned cruel and ambitious. One day Hiraldo met Zeroc on a trip to a nearby friend. Zeroc tricked the King into liking him, using his magyk. He whispered evil thoughts into his head, thus turning Hiroldo evil, practically insane,and he listened (sentence flow) to only Zeroc and no one else. Zeroc had Hiroldo murder his own son so no one else could take the throne. Zeroc knew of the possibility of being killed by someone stronger than him,(pause) so he told the King to wipe out all the magykal creatures, leaving only the dumb beasts that human eat upon. We lost many, but a few of us managed to hide using our abilities, like the Zorse’s, they are able to blend in but Zeroc created a type of hell dog to sniff them out quite accurately. There was a prophecy spoken that spoke of hope. A girl, touched by the land itself, would save us. Zeroc also knows of this and has sent out his minions to kill you to make sure this never comes true. I have spent nearly half my life looking for you, to save you Abbey, and make sure the prophecy does come true. Angel said gravely. I looked at her astonished. “But that can’t possibly be!” I cried. “I’m just a girl. A human girl, with no special powers whatsoever! There’s no way I’m the one who’s supposed to save you.” I said stubbornly shaking my head. But you are Abbey! I can sense it. I told you Gardenia was a magykal land. Magyk rides on the air currents filling the air; it flows through the babbling creeks and streaming rivers. It is in the very veins of the earth Abbey. And occasionally it will manifest itself in someone or something. You and I are very special creatures Abbey; we are the few who can say we have Silver Blood, magyk blood. That is why I know you are the one. I can sense it. The blood we share is why we are able to communicate with each other. I don’t actually talk; it’s more of like I’m speaking to your mind. Your Silver Blood is very strong. When we go to Gardenia it will start to awaken and you will know what to do for it is a part of yourself and thus instinctual. Denying it would be denying yourself. “So let me make this straight,” I said(more like a statement). “You are a Pegasus that comes from magical land called Gardenia which has been taken over by an evil tyrant and you expect me, an average teenage girl, to what…kill him?!” There was no way I would ever kill anybody. The thought of it made me shudder. Sure I played video games and killed people and things on there, but that was fake. Pretending and actually doing something are totally different things.
Yes, she said looking at me sadly but gravelly. And the word is magykal not magic. “Whatever.” I replied absentmindedly to her still absorbing all this. I had to leave Tennessee, my parents, friends, and everything that I loved and was familiar with, and go to a strange dangerous place that I just learned about a few minutes ago. Yeah right, like any normal person would immediately say yes to that. I jumped at the sound of my stomach growling looking down in astonishment as if it was strange that it would make such a sound. Why don’t you go home and get some food and rest. You can think all this through and maybe make a decision in the morning. Angel suggested gently. I nodded, agreeing with her but I had to quickly stop as the pain in my head started to throb. 'Food would be nice' I thought as my stomach growled again, 'A nap too', I yawned. I got up stiffly from sitting for so long and made my way back to my house, surprised to see it was so dark out. When I got to the kitchen I made myself a sandwich, eating slower than I would usually have done. In the ordinary, plain kitchen away from Angel’s fairy tale presence, it was hard to believe everything she said. Putting my plate away, I got ready for bed. 'I’ll make a decision in the morning' I thought sleepily, closing my heavy eyes.[/quote]
"If you ever have a problem don't say 'Hey God I have a big problem.' Rather 'Hey Problem... I have a big God and it's all going to be okay."




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I do like the storyline, and the classic 'girl meets magical horse and they go on adventures' theme (it brings back so many good books).

This is also a rough draft, I believe you implied in your notes before the story. At this point, I wouldn't suggest fussing with copy editing (every comma in its place), I would focus instead on developing character, theme, and conflict. I generally agree with the advice Hawk is giving you, but I'm going to look at other things.

First, there needs to be some foreshadow of conflict early on. It really doesn't have to be much. The Writer's Digest recently had a short story contest, and every winner has conflict early. The grand prize winner had two friends arguing over the fate of a hanged man, and then it was revealed that a third man overheard their conversation. In the end, this third man saves the life of the hero (because the hero spoke favorably of the deceased). So, if you are planning evil, set his henchman lurking in the shadows to mysteriously disappear when the main character gives a second look.

Second, the age thing really does bug me. At sixteen, girls are looking for competitions and challenges. If you were to change the age to, say, 12 then it would all be fixed easily.

Third, when Angel speaks, don't let her spill the whole story right there! Spread it out. Backstory is a pain to read in dialogue, especially when there is a lot of ground to cover. Even writers like JRR Tolkein are guilty of this, but anymore people who write like Tolkein are never published. The expectations of reading has changed, especially with the ''impatient internet generation'' as my professors call us (yes, some of my professors are my grandpa's age).

Fourth, spread a little self-doubt. Is she going to regret this particular horse in the future? Even if it is waved away with the bat of an eye, it still added depth and dimension to your character. And when the horse talks, perhaps your character thinks she is going just a tad looney? Maybe she should get some water and a nap? It's a lot to take in, after all.


I think this is more than enough for now. Please don't take this as any sort of personal attack; I've done a lot of workshops and reviews in classes, and everything I say is intended to expand and let you grow as a writer. Also, this is just my personal opinion. Take it, take portions, or ignore the whole thing; I won't be offended.
Bob: hmm, there's a lesson in all this.
Mr. Eglamore: Okay. Let's hear it.
Bob: Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of laser cows to take over your house.

Gunnerkrigg Court is awesome.
http://www.gunnerkrigg.com/archive_page.php?comicID=632




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shiney1 wrote:. Apparently she thought I was okay because she gave a "woof!" (proper spelling, and don't you mean neigh?) that sounded like a sigh of relief and leaned her head out towards me.


I just have to quickly say this: Horses rarely neigh, whinney, or make any other stereotypical noise. I suppose there are those who are very talkative, but the most common noises are snorting, grunting, teeth clacking, pops of joints, squeals, and a noise that does sounds kinda like a grunting "woof".

Just thought I'd say that. Raised on a farm with all sorts of critters, and all.
Bob: hmm, there's a lesson in all this.
Mr. Eglamore: Okay. Let's hear it.
Bob: Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of laser cows to take over your house.

Gunnerkrigg Court is awesome.
http://www.gunnerkrigg.com/archive_page.php?comicID=632




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Hey there Rose! I'm Rem, and I'm giving you the honor of my first review. ;)

I agree with everybody else, but there are some things aside from nitpicks that I would like to point out. I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but I'm really not trying to be mean.

Ok. Then why don’t you come inside and get started. I’ve got plenty to choose from.” We walked towards the barn and I almost started to shake I was so excited; I wanted to scream with happiness. Instead I walked quickly towards the yawning opening in the barn and looked inside. I could hear the fans whirring above me and the snorts of horses and the rustle of movement as they peered out of their stalls to get a look. There were dozens of horses! Ranging from grey to black to brown, there were all types and some were ponies while some were aged, the sizes ranged from small to large. It was mind boggling! I walked slowly from horse to horse looking at their descriptions and petting a few. Though strangely none of them got my attention I still felt a pull towards the back and there was one beautiful brown horse called Buttercup that originally I would’ve been all over but still I moved down. Then when I had reached the back I gasped when I saw Her. She was gorgeous! Her coat and mane were white. So white she seemed to glow! I swear she did! I gazed upon her awestruck, expecting to see wings. It was like she was out of some fairy tale! But as I looked closer I could see her coat was yellowed in some spots from not being washed and had straw and dirt hanging from it and in a lot of spots it was matted. From the time I spent on the farm I knew that meant she was a problem horse if she wasn’t kept good. But still, I slowly walked towards her and she turned her head towards me. I gasped shocked. Her eyes were blue! Blue like the sky on a sunny day. She continued to look at me with her intelligent eyes as if she was assessing me. Apparently she thought I was okay because she gave a whuff that sounded like a sigh of relief and leaned her head out towards me. I was surprised to see that my left hand had unconsciously been raised half way up towards her. I stepped towards her and laid my hand on her cheek and stroked her carefully.


I have separated this paragraph into two. The first part (in blue) was fast-paced. It seemed like she flew through all of these horses, just petting them and moving on. I'm sure if you were picking out your own horse, it would be way harder than that. Another thing, if she would normally stop and check out Buttercup, then why didn't she? This is a suggestion, but I would omit the part where it says "called Buttercup" because it made me stop and wonder how she knew that.

And the second part... I just want to say, do you know how hard it is to keep a white or grey horse clean? Trust me, it's hard. It's like trying to wear a white sweat shirt to the barn. Even if you try your hardest to keep it clean, it's gonna get dirty. (Well, if you're like me then it will xD) Anyway, your description of her fur being a little yellow and having straw on her doesn't necessarily mean she's a problem horse. Horses are dirty animals, and they like to roll. I also don't think the stable hands groom every single horse there (because it sounds like there's a lot of horses there) every single day. And a little random comment: blue eyes are so pretty! I love it when dogs or horses have one brown and one blue eye. (:

“Miss! Miss! Get away from her, she is highly dangerous….” Mr. Dublin trailed off as he saw what was happening. “Bu…But she…she was supposed to be highly dangerous!” he exclaimed clearly bewildered. Dangerous? I thought. How could this beautiful creature be dangerous? She felt so gentle and delicate in my hands. I looked at him quizzically.


If she's highly dangerous, then I'm sure she wouldn't be kept in the same pasture as the other horses are kept because she'd pose as a threat to the other horses and any human that came into the pasture.

I squealed silently. This day was AWESOME! I let myself into the stall and found her halter and slipped it on her leading her to the trailer that was hooked to the end of our truck. She hesitated for a bit but she came up the ramp after a few encouragements


Wooaahhhh, slow down. xD First we're in the pasture, and BAM! we're in the barn. (Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. ;)) You could include a quick trip back to the barn and then another quick trip back to the pasture or something to make this flow better. :)

I set down the kit and grabbed a brush vigorously brushing her. Soon there were dirt, straw and white hairs flying all over the place. I knew my brown hair and clothes were covered in it. My mom would throw a fit when she saw me. I could see Angel loved the attention, making horrible faces of ecstasy, making me laugh.


I'm not sure what a horrible face of ecstasy is, but one time I was scratchin my horse's withers and his head got all droopy and his eyes started to close, you know. And then he started rocking back and forth. It was really weird. I'm not sure if horses are supposed to do that when something feels good, but I guess it would be something to look up. (:

___

I think it's totally awesome that she's a pegasus and all, but I agree with Hawk on it being too overdone. Well, I think this is it. I hope you don't take my review as mean and I hope you don't get discouraged! Keep writing!

Rem
"Play on
When you're losing the game
Play on
'Cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth to sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on
Play on"

- Carrie Underwood, "Play On"




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Very good! It was very interesting1I went through the whole thing fixing the "magyk">"magic" parts, until the end where I was like "oh". If I were you, I would hint along the way about this.

I also think this is very rushed. Slow it down a bit. Describe the stall a little more.

I, too, agree that she seemed young through her actions. Sixteen year olds wouldnt as exited as her.

Fix these, and its a great story.

Happy writing!!
the purposes of a man's heart are deep waters but a man of understanding draws them out

- Proverbs 20:5




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First, before anything else, I would recommend shortening this post a bit to make it easier to review. Also, please, please, please make each new person speaking a new paragraph, even when it's a horse mind-speaking, however she does it. That will help break up the monster blocks of text that are so scary to your readers. Also, watch your sentence lengths. You seem to get the classic run-on-sentence-flu, which happens to all of us from time to time.

We had been driving down this dirt road for what seemed to be hours but in fact had been only five minutes and all I’ve seen is the sign that hung over the drive that said “Mr. Dublin’s” with horses rearing on either side of it and trees, endless trees.
For example, this is a pretty loaded sentence. A teacher once told me that one sentence- at the very most, should have no more than 28 words. To put it into perspective, this sentence has fifty. Also, a sentence should express one or two ideas, whereas this one has maybe four or five. There are many other examples of this in this piece, and that is also a little tiring on your reader. Generally, if you cannot read the sentence out loud, comfortably, at a normal pace, it's too long. Adding commas to some of these is a good solution, again anywhere you would find yourself naturally pausing as you read out loud. Other should be split into two or three sentences. Luckily, though, these technical things are easily fixed and improve your piece tenfold!

Also, I just have a few realistic details to question, having lived around horses since I was born. First is the comment about the white- I totally agree. a white horse with only a few yellow spots and some hay is clean. For the horse to be instantly identifiable as a problem horse, it should be filthy. Maybe mud-caked, maybe her coat scraggly... just an idea. maybe your MC bathes Angel instead.
“She’s free.” Mr. Dublin said. My dad blinked in surprise. “What?” “No one would buy her and we were going to have to put her down. She likes your daughter so I’m giving her to you.”
I'm afraid I have to confess I read these lines and thought, yeah right. Even in this scenario, a horse trader wouldn't give the horse away for free. Even if he asked for a dirt-cheap price, it would be much more believable- at the very least he'd need to recover the cost of the feed she's been eating.
I led her down the ramp and into her stall. My parents had gone and unhooked the trailer and put it away in the shed.
Maybe it's just me, but this reads like the trailer's being put away and before the horse is hardly out of it. A trailer takes at least ten minutes to park and unhook and all, maybe less if her parents are professionals at it.

“But how will I be able to sleep with this on my mind? I’ll be up all night trying to figure it out.”
I'm afraid that, at this point in the story, I would not be ready to accept that a horse is talking to me. This part feels a little rushed. Maybe I'm just cynical, but I would be completely convinced that, just having knocked myself unconscious on the wall, I was hallucinating. Maybe she goes in and sleeps on this oddity, before finally becoming convinced when her horse is still talking to her the next morning, or something. Just an idea.
Luckily, these things are all relatively minor and easy to fix, with a little bit of time and thought. I'm sorry if I come off as discouraging or anything, but I just want to help- you've got a good idea here, just keep up the hard work!
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien




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YOU SPELLED ABBY WRONG!!! How many times must we have this disscusion? I like how she calls it magyk, but how can angel tell when Abby spells it magic? I know they're physchic and stuff, but how can she tell? Some of the sentences seem to have the wrong punctuation(A comma instead of a period, period instead of a comma) which made it a little confusing at times. Also, whats a zorse? I don't think you explained that, it's just BAM a new species, then you don't really explain it. While I was reading it, I thought Gardenia...Oh Rose! Does this take place at the same time as rose? I thought Roses parents were good. Is it a differnt time? Kind of like the way Narnia works? Or maybe just a differnt Gardenian country? Please Clarify. Other than that...It was really good, but I don't see how pony figurines fit in...
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland



cron
There was nothing he enjoyed more than a good book. He'd wander into the study, take down some leather-bound volume, and eat it.
— Terence Brady (dog owner)