The Runner, the strategist and the Outcast

this is my first writing on here, i wonder if this if is is good for me to progress with it... please tell me if there are any misspells

Prologue:
In a room far from the rifts of reality stood two people. For many years the two never met, gazing forever at the world, yet here they were. One of the two was tall and lean, long golden hair flowing down to her waist. She stood with purpose, head held high. She bore no true name like you and I but some called her “the Singer”.
The other sat on the floor, gazing dreamily up at the large wall in front of her. She had strange hair, which seemed to simmer in thousands of different colours. She was curled up in a ball, body hunched close.
For the first time in many years the two had return to this place, and they would soon play part in an act that would change the very course of the world
‘You can’t do this...’quivered the Singer ‘you’ll destroy everything we’ve work for...stop this’ she moved forward, her voice ringing in a strange way almost like she was talking with two voices.
‘Please!’ the Singer said, voice rising ‘do you really want her to die!’
The other girl began to breathe heavily, swaying back and forth. Then without waring she stood. Like a bird opening its wings she unfurled, her clothes flying around her.
‘Singer...My dear sister...’spoke the girl ‘this must be done-‘
‘But why! Surely you don’t think that she’s too young!? Her strength isn’t-
‘Is growing stronger ‘cut in the other, she was gasping now, struggling for breath ‘she may not know...but the power...Is becoming one’
The Singer growled, eyes flashing
‘The others are by far stronger than her, and Sabor-‘
‘Will meet his end, like all the others’
The girl limped over to the wall, and slowly places her hand against it and sighed.
‘I have seen many things...painted many pictures...yet now I have now seen what will happen in the future...’she turned her head to her sister ‘I am scared, sister...so scared ‘her hand fell from the wall ‘and so...so tired’
‘Then rest, sister’ mumbled the Singer, but now with affection ‘I will deal with her safety...you rest and grow your strength, Wait... I’ll bring her here yes!’ said the Singer, a smile flashing onto her lip ‘she will be safe with-‘
‘Sister’ murmured the girl ‘she must learn alone’
The Singer’s arms dropped, smile fading ’but-‘
‘The road will be long and hard, that is true, but she will not be alone, I will be with her, and so will many others’
The girl dug into her pocket and pulled out a paintbrush.
The Singer gasped “Sister! You’re Strength! Your not...’
The girl turned and smiled ‘I think...’ she turned and with the brush painted a single line of simmering blue.
‘...It’s time to paint a new picture’

Hi there. My name is Cait and I thought that your prologue was quite good. It does everything that it is supposed to, tell the reader a story and have them completely confused by it. Good Job

There were a few gramatical things that need to be fixed such as here.

She had strange hair, which seemed to simmer in thousands of different colours./quote]

I think you meant shimmer and not simmer here.

For the first time in many years the two had return to this place, and they would soon play part in an act that would change the very course of the world

Instead of return you should say returned. Also there should be a period at the end of world.

yet now I have now seen what will happen in the future

Take out one of nows either one is fine. If it were me I would take out the second one I think it works better with the sentence but either one works.

The girl turned and smiled ‘I think...’ she turned and with the brush painted a single line of simmering blue.
‘...It’s time to paint a new picture’

First of all I would like to say that I really liked this line but secondly you say 'simmering blue' at the end. Like at the beginning I would say shimmering instead. Maybe it is just me but shimmering seems to have more power to me than simmering.

Now for my overall feelings. I thought that you did a great job developing the characters throughout. The girls seemed to change in my mind. The Girl became the more mature one while Singer become childlike. I think the role reversal from the beginning was well done. It was a little confusing when I first stared reading but that is why it is a prologue. Great job, though. I do think that you should continue this. It seems to have good potential. If you do decide to continue I want to read the next one so message me please

-Cait

Hey, Wing! Pink here.

In a room far from the rifts of reality stood two people. For many years the two never met, gazing forever at the world, yet here they were. One of the two was tall and lean, long golden hair flowing down to her waist. She stood with purpose, head held high. She bore no true name like you and I but some called her “the Singer”.

For an opener, this isn't exactly very pulling. Firstly, you introduced your character in a very boring manner. "blond hair, singer". Try making it a little more interesting.

The other sat on the floor, gazing dreamily up at the large wall in front of her. She had strange hair, which seemed to simmer in thousands of different colours. She was curled up in a ball, body hunched close

You're throwing in a lot of description regarding the main characters here. Don't overdo it because this can get a little boring. You always have time to characterize a little later. You can say two girls, staring at each other from afar whom never met. Don't need to go into much details just yet.

For the first time in many years the two had return to this place, and they would soon play part in an act that would change the very course of the world

You also have some tense slip ups here. *two had returned to his place*
Remember you can only write in one. I know, it's terrible but that's the way it works unless there are some special rules such as present thoughts and such. Pick the one you are most comfortable in. Present or past.

‘You can’t do this...’quivered the Singer ‘you’ll destroy everything we’ve work for...stop this’ she moved forward, her voice ringing in a strange way almost like she was talking with two voices.

You're going to have to review you dialogue punctuation. I know, it's a bit tricky but brushing up on the rules will prove to be worthy of your time.
Here a few links on YWS that can help you:
topic44898.html
Also try this site, it's simple but it gets the basics. I would advise you to study further though. ^^
http://www.authorinresidence.ecsd.net/D ... uation.htm


I think you have an interesting idea here. However, for a prologue it's short which means there's not much I can critique on. For one part, it's not cliche. At least you have some different setting here followed by some interesting characters and the idea is refreshing.

On the other hand, for a prologue I don't think it gave a clear understanding of the plot to come. I felt mostly confused with the dialogue. Mostly, that was because they kept cutting each other off and left me with question mark bobbing up and down in my head. I could have also used some more description and such, I felt like the story was everywhere and that made it hard for me to grasp. You know what you're talking about but you need to work on putting those facts into your writing with flow.

Other than that, I don't have much else to add. Keep writing and if you have any questions feel free to PM me about them.

All the best,
-Shear

I enjoyed the originality of the piece, the way the characters interact. Mostly I enjoy the idea of painting a new picture, seeing how things are or can be...and so forth. I want to see this polished up into something great.

As a writer, it is annoying to have to re-write sentences and passages, but the harsher the review, the greater your work will be after it. That said, I'm not trying to be harsh, but to give honest advice based off mistakes I've made in the past. Hearing it on this board is way better than hearing it from a publishing company. Here are some suggestions to improve your writing and take it to the next level. Also, if I seem to be speaking down, I don't intend to! I'm trying to explain myself thoroughly and plainly.

1. Your dialogue is predictable; at least up until the very end. It seems like you are trying to inform the reader of the situation using your characters' mouths. Shakespeare did this a lot with 'asides' for his plays, which works out fine because dialogue is the only tool he had to work with. You have inner thoughts, actions, descriptions. Use them to tell the background, and not your characters' words.
example
Mom said, "Don't do that Kenneth! You'll pour hot water over yourself!"
vs
"Kenneth! Don't!" Mom said, snatching the kettle out of reach of his toddler hands.

This general rule applies to all dialogue you write, with few exceptions. You will know when the exceptions are.

2. Make your characters interact with the surroundings. This goes in hand with the above comment, and I think you can review the example from this perspective. Make your characters explore the area, this tells about the character as well. Think of two people who enter a store. One runs her hands over ancient silk and wool scarves. The other leans over a glass case and surveys the collection of vintage money. It tells you what kind of a store they're in (antique store) by the wares, and it tells your reader where your character's interests lie, and what sort of a person they are. The woman likes to be able to touch; she learns by doing. The man is more studious; he learns by observing. This also sets them up for conflict, so your readers won't be surprised when the man scolds the woman for 'just doing something stupid' and the woman scold him for 'not doing anything at all'.

3. Ditch the first paragraph. Start with action--any sort of action. It could be someone tugging their hair out of their face. Maybe you could save the first paragraph, but I've never been into that style of opening and so I can't offer advice for helping it. I love to start with action. It draws the reader in, puts them in the character's shoes. I feel that your style here keeps the reader at arm's length. To me, reading is about living vicariously (through another) and so I want to really be able to live it. Others feel that reading is recording for future generations, which can be true and does have its merits. Which leads me to my next suggestion.

4. Establish a point of view (POV). Right now you're floating above the characters, watching them, but you aren't in the room with them. You don't feel the Singer's fear. You don't feel the balance of the brush or the tug of the bristles against the wall. Is the room hot or cold, or devoid of any noticeable sensations? Who is the main character here, who do you want to be? I had a hard time slipping into character. When you have a point of view, you do everything through the character's eyes, hands, feet, and muscles. You misunderstand your companions comments, you know things no one else can seem to figure out.

5. On a happier note, I can see where there are several ways you can easily extract and develop themes from this story, and the ones I see have to do with fate and either changing or accepting it. You develop a theme by highlighting particular areas. For example you could put a lot of detail into how she started to paint, and how that was going to change things.

So, that's more or less what I saw! I try not to repeat anything people have already said. If you have any questions or want to discuss things, feel free to PM me.

Happy writing!

It a good start, feels a little surreal, but it grabbed me I do think you should continue. It grabbed me, I do wonder though, are there only female characters. It is very interesting, you describe wonderfully, I think you should finish the story I look forward to reading the rest, please tell me when you write more. I bad at correcting grammatically so I decided not to correct your work so I wouldn't screw it up. it’s a good beginning, filled with suspend, I like the last sentence its great attention grabber how she says "it’s time to paint a new picture”.

"The other sat on the floor, gazing dreamily up at the large wall in front of her. She had strange hair, which seemed to simmer in thousands of different colours. She was curled up in a ball, body hunched close." First, I think you could just say "She had hair that seemed to shimmer in thousands of different colors/colours." Just by saying that, we can understand that her hair is strange. Shimmer instead of simmer. And the only other little nitpick I have with this paragraph is that 'gazing dreamily' makes me think 'relaxed' while 'curled up in a ball, body hunched close' makes me think 'sad/desperate/closed off/tense'. It's just a kind of feeling I have, where I'm not quite sure what her mood is. She could still be curled up, but I think it would be nice if you found some words that explained that in a way that fits more with the relaxed theme... I think 'body hunched close' is where I'm getting most of the 'tense' vibe from. (AFTER READING ON: I don't think you were going for relaxed at all, were you? In that case, gazing dreamily should probably be altered. Maybe something more like 'dazed'?

"two had return to this place" Returned.

"soon play part" A part.

"'You can’t do this...’quivered the Singer ‘you’ll destroy everything we’ve work for...stop this’" Generally, quotation involves quotation marks ( " "). Also, you don't quiver something. You can quiver while you say something, but if that's what you're going for then it should be more like... "You can't do this..." The Singer quivered. "You'll destroy everything we've worked for. Stop this." Even then, 'The Singer quivered' on its own sounds a bit odd...

I think someone else already mentioned this and provided links, but I'm seeing a lot of grammar errors here. Mostly with the quoation marks, but also with things like capital letters (or lack thereof) at the start of sentences. Even the most original, wonderful story in the world can be spoiled for the reader if it's riddled with errors. Among other things, it can be distracting for the people reading, and noticing the errors can pull them out of the story itself. So... Proofread?

I basically agree with most of the others said, like Pink and CaitE.

I'm not really sure where this story is headed... Although I did find the way our initial impressions of the Singer and the girl were changed by the end of the piece. While a prologue should leave the reader with some questions about what's going to happen next, you don't want to leave them completely in the dark.

Right now I have quite a few questions... If they've never met, how are they sisters? If they're forever gazing at the world, how have they 'returned' to this place? If she has to learn alone, why does the girl say that she won't BE alone? Why does the Singer have a name and the girl does not? Wouldn't she simply be called 'The Painter'? Or is she unknown to anyone who'd ever have a need to call her anything. If it's because the Singer's existance is known and the girl's is not, then allude to that. Don't just leave us calling one 'the girl' without any explanation.

Most of these questions aren't intriguing lead-ins to the rest of the story... They just feel like things that weren't explained well enough, or pieces of information that contradicted each other and left the reader confused...

There's some potential here, but there's also a lot of work that needs to be done. Overall, I'd say proofread like none other, click on those links Pink left you and figure out how to punctuate dialogue and so on, work on your descriptions and remaining consistant with all the things that you're telling the reader (In other words, make sure you don't say something like "The walls were blue" and then later refer to "the yellow walls.").

Keep at it.