Cruel Irony (a metaphorical poem about people I know)

I have seen a stone statue cry tears of anguish.
I have heard a pit of beautiful dark tell of their fear and pain.
I have watched light slowly fade to monstrocity.
I have heard a tainted angel curse in vain.

I have witnessed love turn to hatred,
Trust to betrayal,
Everyone always expecting the worst.
The joy falls away for eternity,
The irony becoming a curse.
~Morgan3509

*Everyone please tell me what you think of this poem!

I am LastPaladin and I shall be reviewing your poem. I shall examine it thoroughly and decide why I don't like it, and why I think you should take my advice to improve it! You have some great lines but you ruin it with the constant incessant 'I' and though beginning a poem with eye would be far more interesting you choose the boring one and immediately kick us out without any warning all because we must 'Listen' because this is about 'YOU' and no one else!

I shall explain why this falls apart you have a promising first line, you could elaborate on this perhaps, decribe an event or an emotion to really make the readers feel. You instead choose to push us screaming 'No room, no room' and droning on the poem at your pace at your diction, forcing us to tag along and find no enjoyment in the piece. This is what happens with first stanza which begins with great metaphor and leaves us with many great images, but since you kicked us out, we can't feel them or see them.

Second stanza is generic it's not got any talent and the irony line doesn't make sense in the end your whole message fell apart because of your insistence on throwing us out and leaving you to be the leader and not letting us enjoy.

Overall, this needs work, major work, my suggestion is just work on first stanza you have some great images, but you never let us feel them. Just allow the reviewer or reader in, we don't bite, we love to be taken in by beautiful imagery.

Hope this helps.

I think its a really good poem! I mean if you're just starting out, then its okay. Not everybody makes an awesome, universally wowing poem on their first try. If you are an experienced writer, don't be worried. Sometimes people aren't going to like your work. Just keep on trying!!!

Wow. I totally and completely disagree with both of your reviewers so far...

Disagreements with your first reviewer:

LastPaladin wrote:You have some great lines but you ruin it with the constant incessant 'I' and though beginning a poem with eye would be far more interesting you choose the boring one and immediately kick us out without any warning all because we must 'Listen' because this is about 'YOU' and no one else!

LastPaladin should have read the title. Of course the poem is going to have to do with you, because you're writing about people that YOU know, and what writer isn't generally writing about themselves?

LastPaladin wrote:Second stanza is generic it's not got any talent and the irony line doesn't make sense in the end your whole message fell apart because of your insistence on throwing us out and leaving you to be the leader and not letting us enjoy.

I don't find the second stanza generic at all!


Disagreements with your second reviewer:

emilyjh21 wrote: I mean if you're just starting out, then its okay.

It's more than ok. I LOVE this poem.

Morgan3509 wrote:I have seen a stone statue cry tears of anguish.
I have heard a pit of beautiful dark tell of their fear and pain.
I have watched light slowly fade to monstrocity.
I have heard a tainted angel curse in vain.

I have witnessed love turn to hatred,
Trust to betrayal,

These first 6 lines are my favorite. I love the description, and your word choices. I also really like the fluency of your sentance structure.

Great job!
Keep writing! (:

Ooh. The first reviewer was quite harsh xD. I don't know if I should really agree with him 'cause I'm not really good at commenting on poems and I'm not a poem writer. Anyway, I think, the poem is nice. It just got messy at the 2nd stanza where the pattern was broken. That's just my opinion anyway. I loved the rhyming by the way. There's just one thing I'm sure of - 'monstrosity' was misspelled. You typed 'monstrocity'.

Wow! I did love this. You had some fantastic lines. Especially the first,

I have seen a stone statue cry tears of anguish.

In fact, the whole first stanza was close to perfection.

I do, however agree with LastPaladin on one thing; you did repeat "I" entirely too much. It breaks the flow of this masterpiece and takes attention away from the beauty of your writing because in the first stanza the reader sees a vertical line of 'I'.

Also, don't quit writing because of a few flames. That's what writing is about! You'll never be able to learn or improve from your mistakes without harsh criticism. You just have to make it your task to prove them wrong and learn from your mistakes to become the best writer you can be.

This truly was an excellent poem.

Wow. The first stanza just took my breath away. It's so awesome.
The first line was absolutely beautiful, I don't know why I think so, but I just loved it.

I was not a big fan of this poem. I thought it was sloppy. Decent ideas but a little vague. You need more structure. I know that were poets and supposed to all free, but honestly structire and meter go a long way in impacting your audience. also the "I have" should be used sparringly, try to reword it or the poem will begin to look like a list.

I have seen a stone statue cry tears of anguish.- I know everyone has been praising this line. Ilike it, but the last bt could be reworded. Something like " I have seen a statue cry anguishes tears" I think may be better, just my nitpicking thoug, good first line
I have heard a pit of beautiful dark tell of their fear and pain. -Lost me on this line. did not like it. Overly vague. Wordy but it didn't really say anything. Almost melodramatic. Overdone and too long gor this stanza. almost 5 syllables longer than the first and that I felt was too long.
I have watched light slowly fade to monstrocity.-What exactly are you trying to say here? specifically? too vaguw
I have heard a tainted angel curse in vain.-Good closer line for the first stanza. Direct and it has imagery.

I have witnessed love turn to hatred,
Trust to betrayal,
Everyone always expecting the worst.
The joy falls away for eternity,
The irony becoming a curse.
Ok here I had fewer issues. But "worst" did not ryhme with "curse" and you should really keep the same ryhimg patter between the first and second verse the same as far as ryhme schemes. If you were going to use near ryhmes you should have establishes that in the first stanza

Altogether decent but I found it maybe just a tad melodramatic.