Young Writers Society

This is not a story of love
Nor friendship or happiness
It is a tale of the cruel beast
The companion of my loneliness
I wasted many tears on him
With no love involved
I was blind and stupid creature
Not Strong enough to withhold


And so here it starts
With my bleeding heart
Now free of the painful shadow
Which once hovered above me
The now strong creature
Who got rid of the dark beast
The man that said he loved me


Everything went bad
From the very first start
Acknowledging only the looks
I already lost what I had
That night he promised he'll be good
Breaking his words instantly
I was a prisoner
A girl without her will


He hurt me, he scraped me
He damaged my soul
"You killed me" I said
He laughed at my words
"I'm your only master"
He used to whisper
His horrish voice
Send a chill down my spine
With no one around for help
But I stayed silent
The worst mistake of all


You destroyed me
Shattered my soul
You killed me,
Laughing at your score
My scraped heart was bleeding
The tears of silence hidden inside
While alone I promised
To be free again


I bruised from your touch
Your lips burned mine
You killed what was inside of me
You killed the unborn child
You left me lifeless
With my scraped heart


They warned me,
But I didn't listen
I was too young to understand
They knew you were going to break me
But I was stubborn, deaf and blind
Only seeing the looks and act you put on
The mask you had on at the start
They tried, but couldn't bring us apart


You destroyed me
Shattered my soul
You killed me,
Laughing at your score
My scraped heart was bleeding
The tears of silence hidden inside
While alone I promised
To take my revenge


You forced me to look happy
To do what you said
To act in love in front of them
And so I did,
Frightened you would hurt me if I refused
You are my nightmare
The fearful daydream I have


Looking at your resting figure
I wish to end the torture
To be free,
To heal my bruised heart
To learn how to trust
To talk again
Bury the cold silence
I've lived in for so long
To end the throbbing pain


I grab the gun
Stand up and shoot
A booming noise
Vibrates through the house
Leaving me glued to my spot
Not breathing, not moving
The blood soaks up through his blanket
The beast doesn't move
Doesn't make a sound


You destroyed me
Shattered my soul
You killed me,
Laughing at your score
My scraped heart was bleeding
The tears of silence hidden inside
While alone I promised
To be free once again
From the horrible pain


I collapse on to the floor
Feeling free of a heavy load
Of the Beast I never loved
The torturous man
My worst nightmare
The ghost of my soul
I laugh as if crazy
I can breath again


I leave the house
Into the cold night
And disappear
Within the shadows
Running away
To start a new life
And never to be found again


You destroyed me
Shattered my soul
You killed me,
Laughing at your score
My scraped heart was bleeding
The tears of silence hidden inside
While I could breath again
I stopped the pain
For the beast was never to
Lay his hand on me again


The beast was destroyed
For he caused too much pain
The girl is now free
And living again
The beast was never found
The torturous man dead forever
Hidden from everyone's eyes
They helped her
They wanted her happy
They buried him away
For he deserved no respect

Tears of silence are back inside my heart, to be never released again.

Hey People of YWS, how are you today?
What do you think about my song? Once again it's a gothic metal stile something in the lines of Withing Temptation, Nightwish and Evanescence. Please comment and criticise, tell me what to change and how to make it better. Hope I didn't bore you with it (it is pretty long). You wouldn't believe how I came up with it, so here's the story; I was sitting and writting this new story and sort of felt like singing- and well I said 'Everything went bad, from the very first start' and well I continued to add to it and then I created a song (I really got into the main character in this song a/n this happens to me all the time) So as you might have noticed this song is telling a story of a girl who's boyfriend is abusing her, she doesn't love him but is terrified of him and so just stays silent, her family knows somethings wrong but she doesn't tell them everything, however one night she gathers up the courage and kills him, after he beats her up and she looses the baby she was expecting, well she shoots him and feels revealed, her family help her to hide the body and then she runs away to a warm country across the sea to find a new life. No one ever finds out what happened to the guy. So well yeah I'm babbling now, so thanks for reading and comments. Okay then Bye *for now;)
Ikafe

Ok, I'm gonna start out by saying I don't like reading lyrics and I'm not good at editing them so I appologize. Anywho, it's good I only read half of it because like I said I do not like lyrics. They just do not appeal to me. But with that in mind yours kept my attention for longer then most so thats a good thing, right? haha well this is good, I hope to hear it in a song once:)
Jenn

Hiya! I'll be reviewing this for you today.

So, first of all let me start by saying that this is actually my first attempt at reviewing lyrics. I listen to a lot of music but never really critiqued lyrics before so sorry if this is a little tipsy.
Let's begin.

This is not a story of love
Nor friendship or happiness
It is a tale of the cruel beast
The companion of my loneliness
I wasted many tears on him
With no love involved
I was blind and stupid creature
Not Strong enough to withhold

I actually like this opener, it's catching and I can almost 'feel' it in my head.
If that's not weird, that is.
But on the other hand, I was wondering about the last line. What exactly do you mean by 'withhold'?
Withhold what?

And so here it starts
With my bleeding heart
Now free of the painful shadow
Which once hovered above me
The now strong creature
Who got rid of the dark beast
The man that said he loved me

This bit seems to be kind of rough and slightly forced lyrics. I can't really get into is as much as the first stanza.
Also, the creature and beast are two different things?

He hurt me, he scraped me
He damaged my soul
"You killed me" I said
He laughed at my words
"I'm your only master"
He used to whisper
His horrish voice
Send a chill down my spine
With no one around for help
But I stayed silent
The worst mistake of all

This is kinda leaning towards poetry or a story in my head but it's still good.
Interesting. Also, be sure that your grammar is correct.
"You killed me," I said. Another thing, I think you could have broken this up into two stanzas because I feel like it's mushed together and kind of difficult to keep the flow.

My scraped heart was bleeding
The tears of silence hidden inside
While alone I promised
To take my revenge

You seemed to mention 'scraped heart' or 'bleeding heart' too many times.
Not that repetition in lyrics is a bad thing, it's not consistent and it's an accident really.

Overall, however it was an interesting piece of lyrics and I liked reading it.
The story inside was twisted yet it happens ever so often, people just don't normally talk about it.
As for this, I think there could be some minor tweaking to this to make it better and for some reason I see this more of a story than a song. Have you ever thought about making this into a short story perhaps? Could turn out well. Anyway, good job.

-Shear

I think it is a little to long for a song, but it is really good.