Fall of Rexalectal

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Captain’s log, May 7, 2022. I just got initiated as leader of the HCPS (High Council Protection Squads). Many thoughts come into mind when i think about what waits for me in the future. “Sir, why do you call yourself Captain if your Brigadier ranking?” Slozzerf (Sloz-ain) asked.
“Because Captain is easier to say.” I replied. Suddenly we saw a Resanc (Res-an-ay) War ship fly past. It was scary. The ship comparison was like the Titanic to ant in size. We were the ant. “After them.” I said to the ship driver. And we set our course.
The War ship stopped over the planet Rexalectal (Raz-a-lec-tool). “No.” I said to myself as a tear rolled down my left cheek. “Tuascuz (Tus-cus) set us down for some surface activity. Renjeff (Ron-a-duss) and Pgando (Fraz-don), you’ll be with me. Get your sabres ready and camouflage gauntlets.” I said before we landed.
When we landed, we were walking through the streets. It was like a ghost town. But i cant imagine why they’d be outside anyway. Suddenly a woman came screaming with a close range plasma burst. “Go away Resanc, go away!” lucky it couldn’t reach us. We then ran into the city and activated our camouflage. We then walked into a house and i wrapped my arms around a woman while slowly turning of my camouflage. “Hey, I’m back.” I said. She then grabbed me and threw me over he into the wall. “Oh Lance, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a Zeatek (Zetic). Further more, how’d you get here?” she said. “Hey Clausinta, i came with them, there friendlies.” I replied.
“ Zeateks! How do you know they won’t betray us?” Clausinta asked.
“Because they saved my life 11 human years ago, Back when we were both 14. Now i’m 25 and i’m incharge of the High Council’s Protection Squads/army. 5000 squads of 25 soldiers per squad.” I told her.
We walked outside and the streets were filled with Resanc. “Atrabis (Ultra-bish) sir, you caught one. And, a, a human, how’d he get here?” a Zeatek asked. “This is actually the Human that blew up the Orion fleet.” Renjeff said.
“But why is he still holding a Sniper rifle?” the Zeatek asked.
“Because we’re part of High Council you ugly, mother f****r.” I said. Then there were bullets through their bodies and face, electrocuted blood streams causing death and plasma burns upon us.
After the battle we saw a Zeatek running towards us. He was unarmed so we didn’t fire. “Are you lot part of the rebellion?” the Zeatek asked.
“Yeah, we sort of are, I guess.” Said I. He gave me a card with these words.
The plan of the Resanc is mm on Rexalectal. Shit, I thought to myself. “What does it mean?” the Zeatek asked.
“It not mm, the letter E was written by Resanc 1,000,000 years ago as m. It stands for Edwuct (Ed-war-struct) End!” Renjeff said.
“It’s like a nuclear bomb, only 500 times more destructive as a lazer from orbit being shot down from several ships circling the planet in different directions. Not a pleasant thing to observe.” I stated.
When we got to the ship that Tuscus brought down for us, I saw Clausinta not hopping on the ship. “Clausinta, get on or else we’re all going to die in a few minutes. Come on! Their ships are charging up.” Said i.
“N-no I c-can’t leave my family behind.” Clausinta said while crying.
“Come with me, and we’ll start a new family together. I promise!” I swore to her. We got on the ship and escaped. When we were flying off, the doors open. Clausinta was crying on my shoulder while her world burned to the ground. We closed the doors and flew off towards the High Council for my Initiation.
-ShaddowSoldier




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I wrote this story about a few weeks ago and so bare with the story. but read the main info. brackets are pronunciation.
-ShaddowSoldier




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Hello there. :)

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on your story.

Many thoughts come into mind when I think about what waits for me in the future.


But I can't imagine why they’d be outside anyway.


We then ran into the city and activated our camouflage. We then walked into a house and I wrapped my arms around a woman while slowly turning of my camouflage.

“Hey, I’m back,” I said. She then grabbed me and threw me over her, into the wall.

“Oh Lance, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a Zeatek (Zetic). Further more, how’d you get here?” she said.

“Hey Clausinta, I came with them, there friendlies,” I replied.

This is a little bit repetitive. The words in bold are repeated more than once, and it would be less confusing if you would use synonyms. Other thing is, separate your text. When someone talks, change lines, when you change ideas, change lines... Do I have to repeat it, or you're okay?
Back when we were both 14. Now I'm 25 and I'm in charge of the High Council’s Protection Squads/army. 5000 squads of 25 soldiers per squad,” I told her.


I'm going to be brutally honest with you, right now, but I need to do that so you can improve. I didn't read the end, because I was too confused. I didn't understand anything, and that's not good. You don't write clearly, and I might add that the way your paragraphs are spaced isn't helping. Double space everything, and change lines, like I said earlier. Also, the words that you pronunciation differently... These are weird and I don't think it's absolutely necessary for the development of the story, right? Either, you just erase all that and let the readers struggle with the names, which isn't the end of the world.. OR you completely scrap that and use more easier words. I would recommend you straighten your plot and try to make your friends/adult you trust read it over to know if it really makes sense to them. A little tip for that is to right down specifically all the events that are going to occur (introduction, rising action, crisis, climax, denouement) and then build on that, with details and dialogue.

Hope it helped, and keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Hey ShaddowSoldier,

I just want to say that I now see that you have a taste for romance too. but after reading this story that you've possibly made up a whole storyline and you're just writing some of them and i know this from reading your other two stories i can see that the main terms would be resanc and the main characters would be Lance, Tuscus and Renjeff. By the way, ignore what Theo says, "He's possibly having a bad day." -TheBigCheese. I felt like that quote was needed. Keep up the good work.
-SoulyTorn



Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.
— Yevgeny Yevtushenko