Grown Up Games

Twelve year olds,
Empty bottles,
Cigarette butts.

Facades, Pressures, Expectations
So easy just to fake relations.

Their skin mottles,
Reflecting truth in too-young faces.
Children playing grown-up games,
Wrong times, wrong people, and wrong places.

Clever, funny, out the door
Too easy just to be a whore
So easy to just fuck it all...

After a few reads of this Vamprye I finally got just of it. But you don't want understanding you want a good review, I shall begin now.

Okay to begin with you hook us greatly with the first stanza, but to me it seems incomplete, almost like bones, you list these things, but I feel you should do more than list, the poems proves you can do that, so why not gives us terrific imagery to boot.

I like the second stanza, for how it list like, sounds odd I admit, since complain about that above, but here it works, but instead of capitalising every word instead just use capital at beginning. Random thought, how about explaining on it, make each word a new stanza explaining bit more. Only a suggestion mind.

The third stanza is terrific, I love how you compare it all to some sorta of plague, their spotty faces showing abscesses they will later bear. And how the disease begins now, but will effect them for the rest of their lives.

Thought: This reminds me of Carol Anne Duffy style, although she doesn't swear, but it's as raw and all about loss of innocence too early and too young.

This is by far my favourite stanza.

Clever, funny, out the door
Too easy just to be a whore
So easy to just fuck it all

I see nothing wrong with it, but the ending I feel isn't needed, delete and it's still as powerful.

Overall, I found this piece very interesting, and it's rare a piece really makes me work my brain, but this here did it, congrats. I can't give it a like unfortunately, but I can say, I see major potential, just work hard, and i recommend you read Carol Anne Duffy to really hone your skill, I think you and her will agree on a lot of things.

Hope this helps.

First of all, thank you for your review

I found it really helpful and I will try to rework it accordingly, your points are all valid
Only thing is, when talking of the "Ending" did you mean the end of the stanza or the end of the poem?

Thanks again, really appreciate it

You asked for it.

First things first...
...this is short. Being short means there's not much to critique. It also means there's not much to read. Short poems need to be catchy, otherwise they get skimmed over quite easily. With a subject as complex as this you need to give your reader more time to understand what it is you're trying to portray.

"Wrong times, wrong people, wrong places"
This sounds like you've tried to use the phrase 'wrong place wrong time' except you've twisted it round in order to make it rhyme with "Faces." In honesty, it's a really bad line.

Linking the two:
Twelve year olds, really? I know it's not uncommon for twelve year olds these days to be exposed to this kind of thing, but the idea is still a hard one to grasp. You need to give your reader a little more information so they can form a clear picture of what's going on here.
In pieces like this comparrisons work well. To provide a bad example; 'cigarette butts by schoolyard fences.' I'm sure you get the idea. It broadens the picture from a random object to a potential scene, which gives your reader a more solid image, and will help tie together the two ideas of the twelve-year-olds and the habits of an adult.

Rhythm:
There are parts in this where the rhythm falls apart completely, especially in that second verse. The easiest way, which you may have heard before, is to read it aloud as naturally as possible. If you stumble anywhere, that's the place you need to fix.

Getting it, but not getting it...
'Clever, funny, out the door,' what does that mean? Gramatically it doesn't make sense, and it doesn't sound very poetic. I understand vaguely what it means, but as the reader I have to do most of the work to imagine it. As the writer, it's your job to do the work, not your reader.

Rhymes:
Many of the rhymes in this seem forced. Rhyming isn't as easy as it seems, and is a technique - so not using it can have as much of an effect as using it. If you struggle though, it's best not to try.

" 'Cause who will catch me if I fall?"
I like the idea, but not the presentation, since it demonstrates inconsistency. You've suddenly introduced a 'me' where before there were only other twelve year olds, it's like suddenly switching from third to first person at the end of a story. If you're going to include a 'me' it has to be there from the start.

Main advice:
Increase the length. Take some time to form an image and a story in your head of these kids your talking about. Once you've got that, you'll have more to work with, and you'll be able to add another layer of depth to this poem.
Don't stress too much about it. Every time you try to force a line, it shows. If you let your opinion and passion on the subject show through, then even if the whole thing falls apart it's better that way than a small, tight, awkward set of lines.

Good luck with the publishing

Twelve year olds,
empty bottles,
cigarette butts.

Opening up with a list is fine. But force me to care about what you're saying, because as it stands, it's a slideshow of images. Connect them and give me imagery, not a slideshow. I'm completely apathetic about these twelve year-olds.

Facades, pressures, expectations, . ; ? ! ; : Basically, add punctuation here to maintain consistency.
so easy just to fake relations.

I love the rhythm in this, but the very first word, Facades, is made awkward because of its natural accent. Fa-CADES. The way the rhythm works here, you're trying to put the stress on the FA, and that isn't natural. Either change the word or get clever with it. I'm sure there's a suitable synonym.

Their skin mottles,
reflecting truth in too-young faces.
Children playing grown-up games,
wrong times, wrong people, and wrong places.

Another stanza that could be so much more effective if used more ingeniously. I see what you're aiming for here; I just don't think you've quite hit the mark yet. But that's what editing is for. Check your rhythm and wording. Be very precise in the words you choose, and be mindful of your beat.

Clever, funny, out the door, . ; ? ! ; : Consistency.
Too easy just to be a whore, . ; ? ! ; : Consistency.
So easy just to fuck it all... Corrected a split infinitive on this line.

Again, I love the rhythm; you hit your point in this stanza as well, but there's an issue I have that I refuse to let go unstated:

So easy to just fuck it all...

Either put another line with this or cut it out because it ruins your structure. Or, just put it in its own mono-linear stanza. But do not leave this as it is.

All-in-all, I noted my corrections and opinions, and I think you have a good grasp on what you're aiming for, but you're not quite there yet. Keep trying, and let me know when this takes better shape. And good luck publishing!

-Lumiface

Hey since everyone else has gone over the faults I'd just like to say that I love this poem! I think it has a very valid point and that your lines paint a clear picture to the reader so yeah keep it up

Happy writing
FROMNZ

PS: I love your last stanza!

... >.> It's actuallly a good peice, I just don't realize what the intention is. Good job, though!

Vampyre wrote:Twelve year olds,
Empty bottles,
Cigarette butts.

Facades, Pressures, Expectations
So easy just to fake relations. You should try to show this, even saying it's to easy to hug someone, when you barely have to touch them. Just some sort of action that you can wrap into this poem that will help us see and bring these ideas into one another.

Their skin mottles,
Reflecting truth in too-young faces. I don't think you need the "in too young faces" because it's reflected back in your first line.
Children playing grown-up games, Again it's mentioned here with the word children. Now, you're repeating this idea and it's annoying, kinda.
Wrong times, wrong people, and wrong places. Mentioning all this wrong is annoying just as the nearness of the repetition of the age group. You only need to say these things once and in a key area. This stanza would be your best place to fit their age into it, like you have. But try rewriting it to fit this. Just a simple rephrasing is all that is really needed.

Clever, funny, out the door
Too easy just to be a whore
So easy to just fuck it all...

Over all:
You should try adding some more imagery that can help reflect these ideas. And some more poetic devices would be cool to see as well.

Yeah, sorry for the bad review, next time I'll try to put more into it. Forgive me.

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.
Sorry again.