The Story Of Lisa, Who Didn't Think She Was Beautiful

Lisa hates herself and she hates her body. She really hates her mother for making her go to another one of her stupid parties but she utterly despises The Dress. It’s black. It’s slinky. It belongs in a James Bond movie on a girl with a Latin background and dark smouldery eyes. It does not belong on a Lisa, especially not on this Lisa. “Quit complaining,” her mother had said. “You look fine, you look sophisticated.” How Lisa hates that word, that lie concealed within it. Her mother looks sophisticated, all glimmering earrings and tanned skin. Lisa looks like something out of Pippi Longstocking, but without that interesting red hair that people seem to love so much.

Lisa is short and chubby and has blonde hair. Other people say they love it, but Lisa wants dark brunette waves that spill down her back like the women in the romance novels she so loves. Lisa has stubby legs and serious eyebrows framing weird green eyes. Lisa looks nothing like her mother and nothing like her brother but everything like her father. She looks like the girl who will grow up to be the heroines best friend and be a shoulder to cry on and an understanding pat on the back but never find happiness for herself. She is the housekeeper, or the little girl in the desk next to you, but not a main character, never.

She hates her school and she hates her teacher but right now she hates The Dress more than anything. Squeezing into it takes about half an hour and learning to like it takes about a lifetime. Maybe more. “It accentuates your waistline,” her mother had said, and it certainly does. It clings to the flab and cuts off at the thigh, just where Lisa’s leg is thickest and flops at the top, making her look more flat chested than two peas on an ironing board. Curses be on Coco Chanel and on her little black dress.

She pulls it on as fast as she can, twists her hair back and smacks on some lipstick without once looking in the mirror, then rushes out the door. Her mother is waiting there, and her brother. When she was younger her mother said he would break hearts. He certainly has and will some more. They both look stunning, and next to them she feels like a tricycle next to a Harley Davidson, a sparrow next to a kestrel. Lisa hates being rich, wishes she had a normal family and a normal house and didn’t have to go to parties all the time. Lisa wishes she didn’t live in California and instead lived in a cosy state like Oregon or Wisconsin. Lisa wishes she fit in with her mothers world, the elegant parties, cocktail dresses and gleaming teeth, bikinis on beaches and rich prize husbands. Lisa wishes she fit in at school and had friends and a teacher that liked her. Lisa wishes she was a cheerleader and had a boyfriend and looked good in a swimsuit. Lisa wishes she wasn’t a Lisa but instead a Keri or a Jaya.

But then Lisa realizes that a Lisa is a Lisa, and a that knows Lisa knows how to make popcorn and milk and how to find newts in all the right places. A Lisa that knows how to skim rocks just right and make the best shortcake the world has ever tasted. A Lisa that knows how to climb trees and draw a rabbit poised to flee and how to walk so as not to disturb the fresh morning sand. And this Lisa knows that a Lisa is a Lisa now matter how gorgeous her mother is and no matter how full the world is with Jaya’s and Keri’s, and this Lisa goes off to have a good time at a party she wouldn’t normally enjoy. And thus Lisa realizes she is beautiful, no matter what they say.

Oh my gosh this was really beautiful!
Very well done, I don't even want to nitpick anything about it.
But if I had to I had two things that stood out the most.
1. Lisa acts sort of childish, (I don't think you ever clarified her age, if you did than nevermind.), and so it seemed rather odd to me that she would be putting on lipstick and wearing a ''slinky'' black dress.
2. Lisa knows how to make milk? Or a snack ''of'' popcorn and milk.

So yeah that's pretty much all I have to say, again you did an extremely good job on this!
*daydreamer

Alright, so this story just seems a little generic and cliche. Think about it, even though I enjoy how you chose body image, because many girls and guys, like me, struggle with weight issues and low self esteem. But even so, this story seemed a little cliche.
It was also too telly. You just told the reader everything. Describe the setting with out telling the every ever detail. SHow the reader what the MC is thinking and what she is feeling.
Good start

~WickedWonder

Contrare to what wickedwonder had to say, I think it's great. I LOVE it. The way it's written is... really cool, for lack of a better word. It almost seems like someone read Lisa's diary, and is reading it verbally to other people. It seemed like it ended a little abruptly, but I think that's just because I was expecting it to be longer. Good job!

Awesome! I really like this. It was a feel-good story that deals with an issue that a lot of young people face today. Keep it up!!

I also agree with the others. This was a very beautiful story that I think most girls and some guys can relate to. LIsa is especially characterized well and I love how she finally realizes she's beautiful at the end. Great story!!! Keep writing and make sure to PM with new stories! Hope I'll get to see mroe of your work!
-Jane

JimmyTheMighty wrote:Lisa hates herself and she hates her body. She really hates her mother for making her go to another one of her stupid parties but she utterly despises The Dress. It’s black. It’s slinky. It belongs in a James Bond movie on a girl with a Latin background and dark smouldery eyes. It does not belong on a Lisa, especially not on this Lisa. “Quit complaining,” her mother had said. “You look fine, you look sophisticated.” How Lisa hates that word, that lie concealed within it. Her mother looks sophisticated, all glimmering earrings and tanned skin. Lisa looks like something out of Pippi Longstocking, but without that interesting red hair that people seem to love so much.

I'm not feeling the introduction so much because its sounds really choppy and lifeless to me. Maybe if you infuse some of Lisa's personality into the diction of the first lines, then it might come out a bit smoother. I don't like how you use the word really in the second sentence. Kill it. It has no use. Also for the word hate, it sounds a bit too extreme, I doubt Lisa literally hates her mom, try a more specific word that illustrates Lisa's resentment towards her mom.

Lisa is short and chubby and has blond hair. Other people say they love it, but Lisa wants dark brunette waves that spill down her back like the women in the romance novels she so loves. Lisa has stubby legs and serious eyebrows framing weird green eyes. Lisa looks nothing like her mother and nothing like her brother but everything like her father. She looks like the girl who will grow up to be the heroines best friend and be a shoulder to cry on and an understanding pat on the back but never find happiness for herself. She is the housekeeper, or the little girl in the desk next to you, but not a main character, never.

I don't like how the first sentence is Lisa is this and this and is this. It sounds too simple and route. Try to make the sentence a little more complex. In the fourth sentence where you compare Lisa's looks to her family's try to combine the parts about the mom and the brother part. At the end find a blanket statement that sums up the comparisons (the housekeeper, the best friend, etc) to drive your point home. I'm guessing your point is something along the lines of Lisa not feeling special, but something in the background that is pushed aside because of how she looks.

But then Lisa realizes that a Lisa is a Lisa, and a that knows Lisa knows how to make popcorn and milk and how to find newts in all the right places. A Lisa that knows how to skim rocks just right and make the best shortcake the world has ever tasted. A Lisa that knows how to climb trees and draw a rabbit poised to flee and how to walk so as not to disturb the fresh morning sand. And this Lisa knows that a Lisa is a Lisa now matter how gorgeous her mother is and no matter how full the world is with Jaya’s and Keri’s, and this Lisa goes off to have a good time at a party she wouldn’t normally enjoy. And thus Lisa realizes she is beautiful, no matter what they say.

This part is a little cliche to me. I don't know what exactly is ticking that off in my mind. You don't have to use "Lisa in every sentence"(maybe that's why) because it sounds like a movie narration, rather than a story.

Overall, I like this story, but I think it would be better if you told it in the 1st person from Lisa's perspective. Because in 3rd person all you can say is Lisa does this, Lisa feels this, Lisa says that and the feelings would just be more personable if they were narrated by Lisa. I think the constant use of simple sentences is making Lisa sound much younger than you want her to be.

One cool thing I noticed is how unlike what American pop culture portrays blonds as the pretty leading types (this may not apply if you're not American, I am that's why I'm saying this, if you're not, sorry for the assumption), and women who have darker hair or of color are pushed aside. So I find it interesting that in your story its the reverse, and that the blonde is feeling pushed aside and looks up to the "Latin Bond Girl"-type.

Good content, just look over your story so you can make stylistic changes.

Thanks for all of the reviews, this is my first piece on yws so its great getting all the feedback.