Save the World Chapter Two

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We payed someone off the streets to go get us food, in fear of being caught or recognized. We were all Wanted. Being Hunted down relentlessly was tiring work. The guy came back, staggering under the weight of the mounds of food that we had ordered. We thanked him, threw him a burger, and drove off, heading for the park.

Whitewash Park is a beautiful sight in the late spring, early summer. Flowers bloomed, butterflies flew, the sun shone brightly. It was the boost we needed. We had to save all of this, before everything was lost. That thing that we needed the most? Hope.

We at our burgers and fries under a beautiful Weeping Willow tree, in front of the lake. We were cautious, but also relaxed. Why would the Hunters search for us in a park, anyway?

“Do you remember the first time we ever came here?” Cody asked me after his second Big Mac. I was on my third. I did remember that day, very clearly, actually.

“It was 8th grade summer, right? We went canoeing, I pushed you out like a million times. You only got me once. I remember, that old guy's scooter you stole, but gave it back.” I shook my head. He was such a dork.

“It was so easy back then. There was no running for our lives, no starving day after day. We're lucky we found money for this food.” He sounded so depressed I put my arms around him.

“We'll make it. We always do. And if we don't, at least we'll be known as the fools who fought. The idiots who lost it all for people who don't even give a shit anymore.” My voice got bitter, and he laughed.

“That doesn't sound so bad. Fighting for what you love, with people you'd die for. It sounds like a win-win situation to me.” He grinned.

“Yeah, us dieing just sounds so great.” Rachel's sarcastic voice ruined the moment.

“Thanks, Rachel.” I said.

That's when it all went down hill.

We were ambushed by about forty Hunters, apparently the most elite team, for they were dressed in all red, heavily armed, and really fast. They exploded out of no where, coming at us from trees, off the paths, and some how even out of the little lake. We jumped up, ready to fight for our lives, but they stopped when the surrounded us.

One stepped out of their circle and just stood there and stared at us. I was about to kick him in the shin when he finally spoke.

“These are the terms of your surrender. You will not fight, you will not speak. You will come with us to be slain in a dignified manner. This has been ordered in the name of Overlord Chalice, and so it must be followed out. Resistance would be futile.” He stopped speaking and crossed his arms, waiting for us to come with him without fighting, speaking, or struggling. Like that would happen.

I looked at Rachel, then Rudy, then Cody, one by one, and they just smiled like they were trying not to laugh. Sure, we were probably about to die, but we would die fighting, like real warriors, side by side. I stepped forward, and the circle of Hunters tensed.

“Tell you're Overload Chalice that I would rather cut out my own bleeding heart than surrender to him.” I said with malice, than I spat on his neatly polished red boot.

“And so you've chosen the term of your demise.” He replied, stepped back in line, and called out the order to kill us.

Five of the forty jumped forward and slashed at us with daggers, probably thinking that we weren't armed or trained. We met them with an array of weapons. Rachel with her bow, stabbing at them with arrows; Cody pulled out his gun thing and shot at them, and so did Rudy; I pulled out my Sia's and began to hack at the one with two daggers. He parried and I slashed at his stomach. He kicked my arm, and I cried out in pain. His boots were harder than they looked, and they struck right at my joint. I gripped my Sia's harder and kept fighting with a ferocity that I wasn't aware I had. He struck out and I dropped to the ground, kicked out with my leg, trying to knock him off his feet. He pinned my leg to the ground with his foot, and threw one of his daggers down. It landed neatly in my leg, embedding itself there with pain. I kicked him in the gut with my other leg, catching him off guard. He stumbled back, holding onto his stomach.

I pulled the dagger out of my leg with gritted teeth. I tried standing. It was sore and bleeding but it could hold weight. He ran back at me and I feinted to the left, grabbing his shoulder and hoisting myself onto his back. It seemed like a good idea at the time, until he took his other dagger and stabbed my legs over and over, until I could see spots in my vision. I was going to die, and I hadn't even killed my first Hunter.

No. I couldn't. I had too much to live for. I had a world to save. I took the dagger that was in my leg and stabbed him in the side of the throat. I drove it deep, again and again, until he was on his knees, clutching at his neck. Respectably, he didn't show any sign of pain. Finally I pulled out my Sia's and just slit his throat, and he slumped to the ground, dead.

Well, I thought, one down, thirty nine to go.

I turned around to see how everyone else was doing, when an arrow pierced the skin right above my knee. The pain was dizzying, but I didn't cry out. I couldn't bend my leg because of the arrow, and there was a Hunter charging toward me at full speed, daggers drawn. I had to pull it out, but the only way to do that was push it almost all the way through and break the shaft in half. I dropped my Sia's and held my breath, then with both hands I pushed the arrow as hard as I could. I screamed as my leg was laced with fire. I stopped and got ready to break it, panting heavily. The Hunter was almost in throwing range of a dagger, and if I could throw one and hit him, it was vice-verse.

I broke the arrow with both hands and threw one side on the ground and pulled the remaining shaft out. I refused to cry out again, so I bit my lip, picked up my weapons, and braced myself for the on coming attack. He jumped at me ninja style, and I stabbed upward with one arm, and when he blocked it I spun and kicked him in the chest, catching him mid-air. When he fell, I jumped on him, stabbing him again and again, right in the face. It was a bloody mess.

I got to my feet, barely putting any weight on my legs. They were both on fire, screaming in protest when I started running to Rachel, who had two Hunters on her. I jumped on ones back and stabbed him as many times as I could without blocking his return attack, until finally he had slashed me once and I had killed him.
Rachel neatly took care of the other one. Her eyes widened when she saw my legs.

“Are you okay?” She said, panting.

“Don't ask me that until they're all dead.” About as soon as I said that I was dodging another arrow. I grabbed it before it hit me in the chest and was amazed at my reflexes. I didn't have time to admire myself though, and I was knocked to the ground by three Hunters. They stabbed me twice, and they must have had poison on their daggers because my eyes were swimming. I couldn't focus on anything.

I felt one more stab before I was under completely. My world evaporated into darkness.

I could hear Rachel scream and Cody cry out.

I wanted to help them. I had to...help them....

I tried to roll over, but I couldn't see anything, I couldn't feel any muscle in my body. Slowly I lost my hearing, and then my consciousness was gone too.
I live my life in one simple fashion:WWTWTD
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Hi, I'm Grif.

I didn't read the first chapter (there wasn't a link to it, which makes me wonder if you knew about the "Create Novel" option.) The entire thing reads like a cheesy action movie. One moment, they're having a quiet lunch in the park; the next moment they are fighting for their lives. It's like watching an episode of the Power Rangers; the bad guys always seem to come out of nowhere to fight them; usually while doing something mundane.

I think you need to pace yourself a little more. Since you're only on the second chapter, you probably haven't had that much time to actually develop the characters. There isn't a reason that your quiet lunch in the park can't be just that: a quiet lunch in the park. It would be serene and peaceful, which would be especially good if all the action was in the first chapter.

But if you want to keep a fight scene, there are many ways to improve it.

1. Improve the entrance of the Hunters. Coming in from all directions is fine, but from the lake? From trees? It's a little over the top. Think of how much time and preparation it takes to get people up trees or in lakes! There is a lot of preparation involved with an ambush and it's very hard to do on the fly.

2. Improve the number of hunters. By improve, I mean lessen. The elite US Navy Seal teams only consist of about eight people. Forty Hunters would probably just get in each others way and that would probably be true for half that many. Why send forty hunters after five kids, when you can send five hunters with forty regular troops? The thirty other hunters can go after some other targets.

3. Improve their weaponry. How come an elite group of soldiers is out-gunned by a bunch of kids? These kids have bows and firearms, so why don't the hunters have the same? Furthermore, why would they think they were unarmed, when one of them is carrying a bow? It's one thing to conceal a gun or a knife, but bows aren't very compact at all.

4. No shame in surrender. Right now the "You'll never take us alive" sentiment seems kind of silly. Why not survive and wait for an opportunity to escape? If they had an ace up their sleeve or some means of escape, then why not use that? Perhaps it would be more interesting if they actually ran away. That way, you can write about the escape of the protagonist. This would create some interesting conflict for later, "did the others make it?"

I hope this helps you in your later drafts.

-Grif
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more fish is always superior to less fish
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