Rose

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Prelogue


She paced back and forth furiously. How dare she! How dare that girl keep me locked in here, she thought. Powerless, unable to escape. Scowling, she knew deep down within that she was really angry at her self for letting this happen. She had been careless and hadn't recognized the signs. Her Shells had always been complacent and obedient, letting her rest safely until it was her time to come out to battle. Where had she gone wrong?! What was so different this time that her Shell had acquired emotions and thus a soul. Now she was locked inside the girl's mind, pushed aside. Sighing, she resumed her pacing waiting for her opportunity to be free.

Ch 1


It was pitch black; a suffocating, thick darkness that seemed to overwhelm you. There wasn't a sound to be heard.
So this is what it must feel like when your dead, Kate thought absentmindedly. It's terrifying, not knowing anything but you still have this intimate awareness of yourself. She knew she was running, hard. Not away from something of that she was sure, instead she was the pursuer. The predator chasing it's prey.
It sure would be nice to be able to see and hear, Kate thought wistfully to herself. Or did she speak that? There wasn't much time to contemplate it for as soon as she thought it she instantly regretted it. Some unkown being had heard her request and decided to grant it but with a twist. The volume was cranked up and the lights turned on to reveal Kate was enveloped in some horrible nightmare. There was only one way to describe this place. Hell. Fire and lava spewed everywhere with black rock honey-combed across. The heat was unbearable and the smell of sulfur blasted her newly awakened senses making Kate, gag and her eyes water, but still, she ran on, unable to stop. She was greeted with the sight of mangled and decapacitated bodies of humans and nightmarish creatures that made Poe's look like innocent little boogey men.
They lay about covered in blood, yet some of them were still standing and moving, adding more to the growing numbers of those lying on the ground unmoving. All around echoed the horrible cries of the dying and suffering, the guttural laughs of the creatures filling the air. The clash of steel and the tearing of flesh rang all around her. Kate's horror swiftly changed to rage. How dare they hurt my people! If they so much as put a scratch on Sarai!.....wait...Saria?! Who were these people even!? But her questions were quickly discarded as her anger drove her on jumping and leaping from rock to rock ever faster and faster. Kate's mouth curled into a malicious smile. She was getting closer, that predatorial instinct told her she was close and then, she saw her, the one she was chasing.
I have to kill her, Kate thought. If I kill her this will all be over....wait.....what! I'm not going to kill her, whoever she is. I do not kill! Suddenly, she could feel something hanging heavy in her grasp. She looked down but had to quickly turn her head away from the sword that was in her hand. It was covered in blood. To distract herself she studied the girl ahead. She was average height for a seventeen year old with a slim but fit figure. Her chin length blonde hair was stark contrast against the all black outfit of a t-shirt, khakis and biker boots. She too had a bloody sword in her hand. For one second the gril looked back, smirking.

Kate bolted upright, gasping for breath. The girl had been her! Well, it was the same face but the eyes had a been a menacing black.
"It's not real. It's not real," repeating it over and over, holding her face in her hands. She was so sick and tired of this! For the past week she'd been having that same nightmare and everytime it would hit her as freshly as the first night. In the beggining she had blamed it on watching the "Underworld" but it had continued. She would wake up just as tired and exhausted as when she first fell asleep, and unable to fall back asleep because her mind was too shocked and horrified by the images it kept repeating in her head over and over again. Kate had decided to just not sleep afterawhile but she was fighting a losing battle. Her body and mind were just so drained and she was so exhausted that, for one second she was closing her head and the next thing she knew she was asleep. Kate's biggest and fear and secret yearning was that she would go to sleep and just never wake up, that her mind would just give up and put her in a coma. The obvious thing was to tell her parents but something was holding her back, some instinct told her not to and so she kept it hidden from her parents. She didn't understand it, this reluctance. Kate had always loved and trusted her parents, she told them almost everything. So why the hesitation? I don't know, she thought flopping against her pillows. Glancing at the clock on her bedstand she found it was only six-thirty, she still had thirty minutes before she had to get up and go to school. Might as well get dressed and go early, she thought stretching her muscles as she stood up. Nothing better to do.
Blinking at the sudden light when she turned her lamp on, she stumbled towards the closet grabbing a pair of jeans, red tank, and a sweatshirt. Pulling her long brown hair into a pony tail, Kate grimaced as she caught a look at herself in the mirror. She looked like crap, and to be honest she felt like crap. The dark circles underneath her blood-shot grey eyes stuck out like a sore thumb against her pale face. Kate grabbed her coverup and dabbed it on 'til she deemed it hidden will enough, unfortunatley there was nothing she could do for her eyes. Not entirly satistfied with her disguise but feeling like there was nothing else she could do, she grabed her lunch from the kitchen and headed out the door.

Kate knew the school wasn't going to be full this early but she at least expected a few teachers adn some cars here, not this complete emptiness. The old stone buildings were dark inside, the halls and parking lots completely deserted. Wierd, Kate thought as she headed towards her usual spot. The sophomore and junior buildings were connected by a hallway and enclosed between those structures was a giant oak tree. The oak was her friends' and her meeting place, they loved that old tree. It was ginormous and reminded them of the "Whomping Willow" from Harry Potter. It was so tall it was twice the height of the buildings but it's branches only extended towards the walls. Kate's friends had nicknamed it "'Ol Faithful;" it emanated old age and and for some reason she had always gotten a feeling of security around it. Maybe because it had seen and been through so much yet it was still standing here, intact. She sat down, leaning against it taking comfort in it's solidarity, the nightmare fast disappearing from her mind. Kate looked down at her watch and groaned. It was only five-ten! Well that explains a lot, she thought angrily. Stupid daylight savings, I had totally forgotten about it. Her watch automatically resets itself but she has to manually reset her clock. Sighing, she rested her head against the tree and closed her eyes. Mmmm....maybe I'll just rest here for a bit, Kate thought groggily as a yawn escaped. "Just for a little bit..." she mumbled drifting off.

She was standing in the middle of a plain. On either side in the far distance were a line of trees, in the front and back of her the plain stretched on seeminly unbroken. The sky was an endless sea of blue dotted with little white puffs of clouds. A gentle breeze flirted with her hair and tugged on her white dress. In the distance thunder sounded coming ever close and closer, but it wasn't thunder, it was the sound of thousands of hooves of horses pounding the earht as the galloped towards her. A grin spread across her face as she saw the sea of horses. Before they could trample her, she grabbed onto the neck of the horse in front and swung herself up on it's back. The herd was her herd, the horse she was riding was her horse, one of her best friends. A beautiful majestic, black mare as wild as the sea. On either side were two more riders and a pure white horse as majestic and beautiful as her sister and as serene as she was wild. The rider on her left was a teenage girl with long black hair, curled into ringlets. She had beautiful mocha colored skin and eyes as warm as melted chocolate yet sparkled with mischief. The girl looked at her lauging gaily and she smiled back. The rider on her left was a beautiful teenage boy tan from the sun. His hair was brown with light brown highlights that glinted in the sun and his hazel eyes looked more golden that anything. He caught her looking at him and smiled at her tenderly.
"Kate? Kate are you okay?" a voice broke in her dreams abruptly. She frowned she wasn't done yet, she wanted to continue riding, to feel the wind blowing through her hair and the rush of the speed of the horse underneath her.
"Kate, you gotta wake up." the disembodied voice insisted.
"Go away," she mumbled, irritated at the voice for disturbing her pleasent dream. The voice chuckled, a very familiar chuckled. Kate opened her eyes and found a pair of blue one's looking back.

Page 1
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"




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Sorry, I tried to indent this but it just wouldn't work.
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"




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Howdy,

I tried to be thorough in my review, so the fact that I've highlighted quite a bit doesn't mean your work is poor, just that I tried to go through it properly. I enjoyed the piece and thought you conveyed a pretty macabre narration quite well, and enjoyed the mix of internal and external narration, though one of the things I've picked on is that it could be a little clearer in some places.

Prelogue

Prologue, even though it is "before"

She paced back and forth furiously. How dare she!

This is immediately confusing, and one of the big problems of third person narration. You use the word "she" twice in quick succession, but it's not clear if you're talking about one person or two right away. It's also unclear if you're skipping between a third person impersonal narrative to a more intimate internal monologue.

her self

one word.

wrong?!

You use question marks with exclamation marks together a couple of times. I understand that it can feel that this is appropriate when trying to convey exasperation or confusion, but it reads poorly and I honestly think you should stick to one or the other. Question marks would be my pick between the two, as exclamation marks should always be tightly rationed.

What was so different this time that her Shell had acquired emotions and thus a soul

I think you need to break this sentence up with commas, but I'll leave it to you to decide on the best way.

that seemed to overwhelm you

I understand that this kind of phrasing is entirely legitimate, but it didn't sit well with me given the framing of the rest of your piece. I would replace it with the simpler "that seemed overwhelming." as it draws less attention to the reader.

So this is what it must feel like when your dead, Kate thought absentmindedly

For the internal monologue, I think it would be wise to italicise it to set it apart fom the rest of the narration. Also replace "your" with "you're". Stylistically I feel the urge to do what you've done by adding "absentmindedly" to reflect how characters feel, but adding that to the end of the sentence can make it seem overworked, as though you're too obviously reporting on how your characters are feeling or conveying themselves, rather than describing it to the reader.


chasing it's prey

"it" doesn't use an apostrophe for ownership

It sure would be nice to be able to see and hear, Kate thought wistfully to herself.

As above, I think italicising this, and losing "wistfully" would make this bit clearer an smoother to read.

There wasn't much time to contemplate it

"it" is a little unclear (but then I guess it's meant to be). You could replace "it" with "the difference between the two" or something like that, but you don't strictly need to.

Some unkown

(unknown)

put a scratch on Sarai!.....wait...Saria?!

It's not clear whetehr you've intentionally changed the spelling of the name or not. You've also used the quesion mark and exclamation mark together again.

Who were these people even!?

This reads a little strangely. Perhaps lose the "even". You've paired the punctuation again.

In the beggining

Beginning

watching the "Underworld"

If you mean the vampire movie "Underworld" then you can lose the "the". Either way, perhaps clarifying what you're referring to here would be helpful to the reader.

her mind was too shocked and horrified by the images it kept repeating in her head

It seems a little odd to switch the description of "the mind" from an external tormentor to the subject of that torment within the same sentence. Perhaps replace "it" with "that"

just not sleep afterawhile

"after a while"is three words.

that, for one second she

I think that you should either remove the comma or add another after "second"

teachers adn some cars

"and"

"'Ol Faithful;"
The semocolon should be outside the quotemaks and an apostrophe should be put in the place of the removed letter. i.e "Ol' Faithful";

against it taking

after "it" you need either a comma or the word "and" just to help it flow.

Stupid daylight savings, I had totally forgotten about it

There's a shift in tense here. If you're going to do this for internal monologue in the middle of a paragraph, you really need to italicise the thoughts for clarity. I think it would be better to keep the internal monologue as indirect speech, which would require you to keep it in the third person "she" rather than the first "I".

She frowned she wasn't done yet

Perhaps put in "because" or at the very least a comma or sentence break after "frowned", for clarity.


blue one's

"one" isn't a word that would often receives a plural, but I think it would be rendered "ones" so perhaps it would be best to drop the apostrophe?

I look forward to the next installment! PM me when it's up if you would like me to review it.
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


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HI! OK, I know certian things about this, but clarify. Is Kate a shell? Is she really Rose? I'm slightly confused, so tell me! other than that, I love it. YOu need to tell me these things. I didn't know you were an artist until I saw your pictures, and I didn't know you were such a good writer until I saw this. Keep writing.
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland




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Tch tch tch. You have to wait for the rest of the story to find out Sakura. (evil smily face)
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"



Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind