To My Friend Eternal

Well, this is the first religious poem I've seen. I only wish I could critique poetry.

How do people critique poetry anyways?

A NICE RELIGIOUS POEM.Though the two lines "So my friend eternal I give my life to thee"and the line "So Jesus my friend eternal I'll love and serve you eternally" ,sounded a bit off cuz they start in a similar way.Umm..over all it was good

So, I'm not very impressed with this.

A lot of the problem is your structure just isn't particularly poetical. All you have here is some sentances split up by line-breaks. Every single line is ended with a full-stop; there's no effort been put in to making the line lengths fit. Basically, this isn't a poem. It's a badly written piece of prose.

Then there's your grammar: it needs fixing:

You sacrificed your life me like a father would his son.

Bad grammar: doesn't make sense.

One who's cursed you and mimicked you that I say is true love.

Bad grammar: doesn't make sense.

Beaten and killed and treated like a dog all that meant for me.

Bad grammar: doesn't make sense.

Even though its not much you accept it and make due.

That should be "it's" not "its" and "do" not "due."

Your the master I'm the servant but still my friend eternal.

Should be "you're" not "your" and the order is ungrammatical in any case.

You get the idea? You need to tighten up a lot before this will make acceptable reading. Then you need to write poetry if you want your work to be critiqued as poetry; learn poetic techniques, because this quite frankly doesn't count.

I see what you're trying to get across, but all the problems with this piece take away from your message.

thanks for the comments i know i messed up a little and i changed the poem up a bit

well the grammar needs a lot of work but with the correct changes, i think this could be very good if this is put right. umm lets see...

You shield me like a tree from worries that fall on me like rain.

^ this is my favourit line.

You sacrificed your life me like a warrior would his king as a father would his son.

i think 'me' needs to be changed to 'for me'

lord you know all the times I mocked and mimicked you.

this is a really nice line but lord should have a capital 'L'

A love that didn't need to be, had to be, but you gave it anyway.
Lord you are my everything and that's how muck I give back

'muck' should be 'much'

Your with me through the good times and the bad and even in worse times than that

'your' should be 'you're', also i think you don't really need the stuff after 'bad'

You know my words before I speak them hear my cry before I yell it

this needs a comma between 'them' and 'hear'.

Through life and death you my king and I'm the servant but your still my friend eternal

'you' should be 'you're', 'your' should also be 'you're'


overall i think this is a good poem: i myself would love to be able to write something with a real christian meaning but i've never tried, and i'd be scared of it not being good enough.

keep it up

~KayJuran~