Untitled chapter 1

[*]The name is really Untitled. You'll understand why after I finish it. I have official made all the changes I hope you like it!

When I woke up that morning it was raining, something that's completely dreadful to most, but to me it was an amazing gift and I love it. My father came in my room, turned on the light, then the t.v., kissed my cheek and said goodbye, then left.
My dad's name is Taylor. He is kind of tall but not extremely. He has dark brown, short hair.
Today's going to be a good day I thought. I closed my eyes, trying to savor the time I could afford to stay in bed. I was still so tired. I hate getting up for school, but I couldn't be late. I'm 17 and in the 11th grade and have always been a good in school, got good grades, never got into trouble, never even had a detention. I've always been independent but at the same time I'm scared to be alone. I know I'm going to do fine in life and everything, but there's always that possibility.
Suddenly there was a clap. I jumped. "It's just thunder," I laughed. I've always been kind of jumpy.
I decided it was probably time to get up and hauled myself out of bed.I started getting ready. I picked out my clothes and did my normal routine.
I live in Seattle, Washington. It's pretty rainy here. That's something I love about it.
"Hi Addy!"my little sister, Emma, yelled. Emma's five. I love playing with her. She's so cute.
"Hi baby," I said as I scooped her up in my arms and kissed her cheek. I set her down and she ran off. I finished getting ready and then went down stairs to the kitchen. I went to the cabinets and got out a pop-tart. I put it in the toaster and then started to gather the things I need. Bag, check. Keys, check. Purse, check. Lunch money, check.
Pop. I jumped. Just the toaster. I laughed at myself and made my way toward the counter. I ate my poptart and started toward the front door. "Bye Mom! Bye Emma!" I yelled.
"Bye Addy!" Emma yelled back.
"Bye hunny!" Mom called back.
I closed the door and grabbed my umbrella. It was fairly quiet as I made my way to the bus stop. My house is two blocks away. I reached the bus stop and sat down on the bench. I reached into my purse and took out my phone.
Where r u? I texted my best friend Maggie.
On my way 4got my lunch money she texted back.
Woops. I should have known. Maggie is very forgetful. Yesterday it was her phone. Last week her purse. Maggie and I have been best friends since I moved here in 7th grade. We were both wearing a Jonas Brothers t-shirt the first day of school and ever since then we've been best friends. She came up to me and told me she liked my shirt and we've been friends ever since.
"Hey," Maggie said, out of breath.
"Hey!Finally,"I replied,"took you long enough."
"Sorry,"she panted. That's when the bus came. We went to our usual seat, very middle on the right but there was someone else sitting there."Hey there's someone in out seat," she whispered.
"Okay, um, let's just sit somewhere else,"I said. This guy was gorgeous. He had brown hair that looked like Zac Efron's and an adorable face.
"No,"she said,"that's our seat, we should ask for it."
"Fine, but you're doing it,"I said firmly. There's no way I'm going to ask this gorgeous guy to please get out of my seat.
"Fine,"she said. "Excuse me but that's our seat," he looked up and looked at her and then me.
"Sorry," he smiled as he got up and started walking further back in the bus.
"Uh, is he new?" I asked her.
"I don't know I've never seen him," she said while staring at him.
"Stop looking at him," I hissed.
"Sorry,"she muttered as she turned around. After a few seconds of silence she said,"You look gorgeous today by the way." I'm wearing a green shirt that kind of ruffles at the chest with a cami underneath and my favorite jeans. On one of our shopping trips I tried it on and the sales lady said how nice it made my green eyes look so I got it.
"Thanks, you do too,"I told her as I pulled a piece of hair back from my face. I have pretty nice hair. I hardly do anything with it. It's straight with like 10 waves and it's down to my belly button when I sit. People always tell me I'm pretty and that they can't understand why I'm not popular. I blame it on actually having a brain.
Maggie has straight, brown hair that goes to about the top of her ribs and brown eyes. She's wearing an everybody loves a brown eyed girl shirt and a pair of jeans with brown snow boots.
The bus stopped and we got up and started to walk towards the doors. "So do you think he goes to our school?"she questioned me.
"Looks like it," I said as nonchalantly as possible.
"That's cool, he's cute,"Maggie said.
"Please Maggie, shut up," I begged. He wasn't too far away so there's a possibility he could over hear us.
"Fine," Maggie said. There were a few moments of silence but of course she couldn't leave it at that. "But don't you think he's cute?"
"Maggie please he could hear you."
"Fine," Maggie finally shut up.

My first class was English. Now I have history with Mr. Ritter. I got to history class and sat in my normal seat. Then he walked in. "You can have a seat next to Addison,"Mr. Ritter said.
I think my heart stopped. I hope he doesn't recognize me. Wait I'm sure he won't. We didn't even- "Hey you were on the bus this morning right?" he asked.
"Uh yeah I was," I said. Huh he remembers me.
"Was you're friend mad at me or something I mean I gave up your seat but she was still staring at me so,"he trailed off. He's so cute. He has gorgeous aquamarine eyes, like the March birthstone.
"Oh, um, you noticed that?"I asked. Shoot. I'm so going to kill her.
"Uh yeah,"he laughed.
"Sorry, uh Maggie does that," I said. He smiled.
"I'll make sure to find a different seat tomorrow,"he grinned. He has a gorgeous smile.
"Okay thanks,"I laughed.
"Okay class, open your book to page 123,"Mr Ritter said.
"So my name's Sam," he whispered.
"I'm Addy," I whispered back.

The rest of class we did book work and took notes. Not I have math. It's my favorite subject and out teacher is awesome. I sit next to Maggie which is definitely a big plus.
"Hey," I said to Maggie cheerfully, but trying to be as normal as possible.
"Hey. What's up with the smile?"she asked me curiously.
"Nothing," I smile back.
"Alright time to begin,"Mr. Varghaizadeh said. I open my book and notebook and look up at Mr. Varghaizadeh and then I get a note.
Tell me! it says.
His name's Sam I write back.
Who's name is Sam?
How do you know?
History class. We sit next to eachother.
That's so cool.
Yeah it is.
I pass it back to her, look back up with a smile on my face, start taking my notes, and expect something great.

Hi! I quite liked this, but maybe you could make a few changes.
Your writing style is pretty straightforward which is a good thing, but perhaps you could use more "showing' than "telling'. Like when you said "Emma's five, we get along really well." Instead of saying that they got on really well, maybe you could show it throught your writing. Also when you describe people, you can just weave the descripton into the story rather than saying it straightout, you know what I mean?
Overall I liked your style. Hope this helped. keep up the good effort!

Okay, you just shoved everything at the reader. It was all just detail, detail, detail.

When I woke up that morning it was raining, something that's completely dreadful to most, but to me it was an amazing gift and I love it. My father came in my room, turned on the light, then the t.v., kissed my cheek and said goodbye, then left.
My dad's name is Taylor. He is kind of tall but not extremely. He has dark brown, short hair. Today's going to be a good day I thought. I closed my eyes, trying to savor the time I could afford to stay in bed. I was still so tired. I hate getting up for school, but I couldn't be late. I'm 17 and in the 11th grade and have always been a good in school, got good grades, never got into trouble, never even had a detention.
Suddenly there was a clap. I jumped. "It's just thunder," I laughed. I've always been kind of jumpy.

Like here, you just tell the reader everything. Add some emotion. how does your MC feel? Show your reader, instead of just throwing everything at them.

~WickedWOnder

Hey!


Okay. This chapter was very short in my opinion of chapters I've read. (other than the Maximum Ride series). But anyway, I think that you should have gone more. . . . in depth with this first chapter. You want to pull the reader in and this chapter wasn't like that at all. To be brutally honest, which is my dharma, I wasn't really intrested in this story at all. If I didn't think this had potential, I would probably never continue following it. I'm sorry but it's true. But the good thing is that it does have potential, and I think that once you get past the first chapter, it will be a great story.

The next thing is that I thought that your information was too much and kind of choppy. I think, and this is my personal opinion that you absolutely don't have to listen to, that you just gave too much information away in the beginning. What I mean is that if you give too much information away now then you will have nothing to give away later. All your information will be there in the beginning.

Right now after I've said all of that, you probably hate me, but I believe in being the best you can and I will push people to that extent. Sorry.

-Charlotte Grace.

Hello there.

The first thing I have to say is that I agree with the other people who have reviewed this. You seem to be giving us an awful lot of information and it's a lot for the first chapter... Considering the length of this chapter. The other thing is that your writing style is really choppy. It sets a mood that's not quiet right for this story. I don't think you meant for the mood to be full of movements and angry, did you? Fortunately, it's fairly easy to arrange that. You can probably fuse sentences together, which is going to affect your flow, making it more smooth. Apart from that, the story line seems fine. I would, although, try to write a little bit more on this chapter. Introduce a little bit more action, and more on the story/characters without giving us to much description. You should be good if you work on that. Good luck!

And keep writing! PM me if you need anymore reviews.

-Other One

If you're trying to tell the story from a "teenage girl" point of view, I think you're overdoing it. The biggest error I found throughout the piece is your habitual lack of commas, which means less pauses between words, and which I found kind of disconcerting. Here is my complete edit of the chapter:

When I woke up that morning it was raining. Usually this would be completely dreadful to most, but to me it was an amazing gift and I loved it. My father came in my room, turned on the light, (deleted) kissed my cheek and said goodbye, then left.
My dad's name is Taylor. He is kind of tall but not extremely. He has dark brown, short hair.
Today's going to be a good day, I thought. I closed my eyes, trying to savor the time I could afford to stay in bed. I was still so tired. I hate getting up for school, but I can't be late. I'm 17 and in the 11th grade and have always been (deleted) good in school, got good grades, never got into trouble, never even had a detention. I've always been independent but at the same time I'm scared to be alone. I know I'm going to do fine in life and everything, but there's always that possibility.
Suddenly there was a clap. I jumped. "It's just thunder," I laughed. I've always been kind of jumpy.
I decided it was probably time to get up and hauled myself out of bed. (space) I started getting ready. I picked out my clothes and did my normal routine.
I live in Seattle, Washington. It's pretty rainy here. That's something I love about it.
"Hi Addy!" (space) my little sister, Emma, yelled. Emma's five. I love playing with her. She's so cute.
"Hi baby," I said as I scooped her up in my arms and kissed her cheek. I set her down and she ran off. I finished getting ready and then went down stairs to the kitchen. I went to the cabinets and got out a pop-tart. I put it in the toaster and then started to gather the things I need. Bag, check. Keys, check. Purse, check. Lunch money, check.
Pop. I jumped. Just the toaster. I laughed at myself and made my way toward the counter. I ate my pop-tart and started toward the front door. "Bye Mom! Bye Emma!" I yelled.
"Bye Addy!" Emma yelled back.
"Bye honey!" Mom called (deleted).
I closed the door and grabbed my umbrella. It was fairly quiet as I made my way to the bus stop. My house is two blocks away. I reached the bus stop and sat down on the bench. I reached into my purse and took out my phone.
Where r u?, I texted my best friend Maggie.
On my way 4got my lunch money, she texted back.
Woops. I should have known. Maggie is very forgetful. Yesterday it was her phone. Last week her purse. Maggie and I have been best friends since I moved here in 7th grade. We were both wearing a Jonas Brothers t-shirt that first day of school (deleted). She came up to me and told me she liked my shirt, and we've been friends ever since.
Maggie arrived. "Hey," she said, out of breath.
"Hey! (space) Finally, (space)" (space) I replied, (space) "Took you long enough."
"Sorry," (space) she panted. That's when the bus came. We went to our usual seat, the very middle on the right, but there was someone else sitting there. (space) "Hey, there's someone in out seat," she whispered.
"Okay, um, let's just sit somewhere else," (space) I said. This guy was gorgeous. He had brown hair that looked like Zac Efron's and an adorable face.
"No," (space) she said, (space) "that's our seat, we should ask for it."
"Fine, but you're doing it," (space) I said firmly. There's no way I'm going to ask this gorgeous guy to please get out of my seat.
"Fine," (space) she said. "Excuse me, but that's our seat." He looked up and looked at her and then me.
"Sorry." He smiled as he got up and started walking farther back in the bus.
"Uh, is he new?" I asked Maggie.
"I don't know, I've never seen him," she said, staring at him.
"Stop looking at him," I hissed.
"Sorry," (space) she muttered as she turned around. After a few seconds of silence she said, (space) "You look gorgeous today by the way." I'm wearing a green shirt that kind of ruffles at the chest with a cami underneath and my favorite jeans. On one of our shopping trips I tried it on and the sales lady said how nice it made my green eyes look, so I got it.
"Thanks, you do too,"I told her as I pulled a piece of hair back from my face. I have pretty nice hair. I hardly do anything with it. It's straight with, like, ten waves and it's down to my belly button when I sit. People always tell me I'm pretty and that they can't understand why I'm not popular. I blame it on actually having a brain.
Maggie has straight, brown hair that goes to about the top of her ribs and brown eyes. She's wearing an "everybody loves a brown eyed girl" shirt and a pair of jeans with brown snow boots.
The bus stopped and we got up and started to walk towards the doors. "So, do you think he goes to our school?" (space) she asked me.
"Looks like it," I said as nonchalantly as possible.
"That's cool, he's cute," (space) Maggie said.
"Please, Maggie, shut up," I begged. He wasn't too far away, so there's a possibility he could (deleted) hear us.
"Fine," Maggie said. There were a few moments of silence, but of course she couldn't leave it at that. "But don't you think he's cute?"
"Maggie please, he could hear you."
"Fine," Maggie finally shut up.

******

My first class was English. Now I have history with Mr. Ritter. I got to history class and sat in my normal seat. Then he walked in. "You can have a seat next to Addison,"Mr. Ritter said.
I think my heart stopped. I hope he doesn't recognize me. (deleted) I'm sure he won't. We didn't even- "Hey, you were on the bus this morning, right?" he asked.
"(deleted) Yeah, I was," I said. (deleted) He remembers me.
"Was your friend mad at me or something? I mean, I gave up your seat but she was still staring at me so...." (space) he trailed off. He's so cute. He has gorgeous aquamarine eyes, like the March birthstone.
"Oh, um, you noticed that?" (space) I asked. Shoot. I'm so going to kill her.
"(deleted) Yeah," (space) he laughed.
"Sorry, uh, Maggie does that," I said. He smiled.
"I'll make sure to find a different seat tomorrow," (space) he grinned. He has a gorgeous smile.
"Okay, thanks," (space) I laughed.
"Okay class, open your book to page 123," (space) Mr. Ritter said.
"So, my name's Sam," he whispered.
"I'm Addy," I whispered back.

******

For the rest of class we did bookwork and took notes. Now I have math. It's my favorite subject and our teacher is awesome. I sit next to Maggie which is definitely a big plus.
"Hey," I said to Maggie cheerfully, but trying to be as normal as possible.
"Hey. What's up with the smile?" (space) she asked me curiously.
"Nothing," I smile back.
"Alright, time to begin," (space) Mr. Varghaizadeh said. I open my book and notebook and look up at Mr. Varghaizadeh, and then I get a note from Maggie.
Tell me! it says.
His name's Sam I write back.
Who's name is Sam? How do you know?
History class. We sit next to eachother.
That's so cool.
Yeah it is.
I pass it back to her, look back up with a smile on my face, start taking my notes, and expect something great.

KEY:
(space): Insert space here
(delete): One or more words were deleted here

Ok I really liked this chapter although I have to agree that it is a little choppy. I love how this story Katie normil and down to earth. I am in love with it regardless. Its really a good story and I will be keeping up with this story in the future. Keep up the good work and keep writing.

Ok I really liked this chapter although I have to agree that it is a little choppy. I love how this story Katie normil and down to earth. I am in love with it regardless. Its really a good story and I will be pp th this story in the future. Keep up the good work and keep writing.

Ok I really liked this chapter although I have to agree that it is a little choppy. You might want to stop telling and ztart showing a little bit more. Other than that I love how this story is normal and down to earth. I am in love with it regardless. Its really a good story and I will be keeping up with this story in the future. Keep up the good work and keep writing.

heyy! wow this is so awesome! i really love the storyline and i find it really captivating! i just saw one thing to change at the beginning when you wrote "When I woke up that morning it was raining, something that's completely dreadful to most, but to me it was an amazing gift and I love it. My father came in my room, turned on the light, then the t.v., kissed my cheek and said goodbye, then left."

i think you should change "and i love it" to "and i loved it" because it seems like you were typing in the past tense previously.
keep up the great work!