Red Robes

This is for the Magic Realism contest!

I whistled slightly, looking out the mouth of the cave. A flicker of light came from there, but the area around me was lit by my spell. Dragons were known to nest here. I needed Varvein, the blood of a female dragon, for my cure to Heronomia. Dragon’s can’t stand human voice. Flashes of dazzling light blinded me instead as a figure blazed by. It was too small to be the dragon I was looking for. Instead, it seemed to be a bird of a magnificent red color; unmistakably a Phoenix. It dropped onto a small ledge near me. Being a Red Robe straight from intermediate school, I blurted out everything I knew about these magnificent creatures.
“A blazing crimson color, about as big as a Labrador dog (though not nearly as heavy), Phoenixes are mystical creatures only experts can attempt to tame. It is not because they are dangerous; they will only come to a Elite Black Robe or be tracked and taken by force.” I winced, glancing over to the beast.
“Caw!” It yelped. Its beak curved under it, seemingly the beginnings of a spiral. IT was the perfect tool to get into flowers and extract the pollen, or to snap a butterfly. I gently outstretched a hand, wondering if the myths were true, and it understood humans. The warmth of its beak surprised me as it met my skin. Soon, I had a very inquisitive Phoenix clambering to my shoulder.
“H- h- hello.” I stuttered. He nuzzled my ear. “You got it all wrong, little guy. I’m a red robe. I’ve still got four levels to get through!”
“Caw?” It seemed to ask.
“I’m only a student, you see.” It didn’t care. It still clung to me. “I have to go.” Very slowly, I walked towards the exit, forgetting all about my dragons.
*************************************************************************************
“Jonas, what brings you here?” The friendly Mystical Creatures teacher asked as I walked in to his room. It was his study period, and he was writing on a paper while glancing over to a barking seal pup.
“Professor Fretha, I need help. Have Phoenixes ever come to anyone other than Elite Black Robes?” I asked hurriedly.
“Why? Got a want for one as a pet?”
“Well, I was in the Cave of Dark Arts, and a Phoenix flew to me. It wouldn’t leave. IT took all my will to keep it from following me. It looks like it’s barely more than a chick.”
“Bring it here.” He mumbled. I walked over to the door. “No. Phoenixes that truly belong with they’re masters come when called. Whistle.” I obeyed his command. For minutes, nothing happened. I feared it would never come. It whistled through the open window, just as I began to worry. I extended a long arm.
“CAW!” He said. Seems he doesn’t fully trust me, yet. He instead landed on a perch, meant for an owl. It could barely support his size.

“This is unimaginable. What exactly happened?” He asked, a stern look replacing the one of amusement. So, I showed him, blow by blow. The friendly Phoenix even demonstrated, ending up on my shoulder.
“So, you see sir, that’s it.” I said.
“Amazing. This has never happened, ever.” He said. “We must bring you to the Headmaster. This is truly amazing!”

What is a black robe and a red robe? I think that there needs to be a lot more description. And he had a quest to get the female dragon's blood to heal his friend, but then he didn't. Did he just forget about his friend? And what happened to his friend? More description, more sense. It has potential, though!

Spoiler

DragonWriterFanatic wrote:This is for the Magic Realism contest!

I whistled slightly, looking out the mouth of the cave. A flicker of light came from there, but the area around me was lit by my spell. Dragons were known to nest here. I needed Varvein, the blood of a female dragon, for my cure to Heronomia. Dragons can’t stand human voice. Flashes of dazzling light blinded me instead as a figure blazed by. It was too small to be the dragon I was looking for. Instead, it seemed to be a bird of a magnificent red color; unmistakably a Phoenix. [Is there a reason why you capitalize dragon and phoenix?] It dropped onto a small ledge near me. Being a Red Robe straight from intermediate school, I blurted out everything I knew about these magnificent creatures.

“A blazing crimson color, about as big as a Labrador dog (though not nearly as heavy), Phoenixes are mystical creatures only experts can attempt to tame. It is not because they are dangerous; they will only come to a Elite Black Robe or be tracked and taken by force.” I winced, glancing over to the beast. [Why did the character say this? Is there a person nearby that is listening?]

“Caw!” It yelped. [Wouldn't it be "it cawed"?] Its beak curved under it, seemingly the beginnings of a spiral.[Whoa, how does that work?] It was the perfect tool to get into flowers and extract the pollen, or to snap a butterfly. [A Labrador dog-sized creature that consumes pollen? That's a loooooot of pollen...] I gently outstretched a hand, wondering if the myths were true, and it understood humans. The warmth of its beak surprised me as it met my skin. Soon, I had a very inquisitive Phoenix clambering to my shoulder.

“H- h- hello.” I stuttered. He nuzzled my ear. “You got it all wrong, little guy. I’m a red robe. I’ve still got four levels to get through!”

“Caw?” It seemed to ask.

“I’m only a student, you see.” It didn’t care. It still clung to me. “I have to go.” Very slowly, I walked towards the exit, forgetting all about my dragons.

*************************************************************************************
“Jonas, what brings you here?” The friendly Mystical Creatures teacher asked as I walked in to his room. It was his study period, and he was writing on a paper while glancing over to a barking seal pup.

“Professor Fretha, I need help. Have Phoenixes ever come to anyone other than Elite Black Robes?” I asked hurriedly.

“Why? Got a want for one as a pet?”

“Well, I was in the Cave of Dark Arts, and a Phoenix flew to me. It wouldn’t leave. It took all my will to keep it from following me. [The character made the phoenix not follow him/her through the sheer power of his/her will?] It looks like it’s barely more than a chick.”

“Bring it here.” He mumbled. I walked over to the door. “No. Phoenixes that truly belong with their masters come when called. Whistle.” I obeyed his command. For minutes, nothing happened. [So they just stood there for several minutes in silence. Aaaawkwaaaard...] I feared it would never come. It whistled through the open window, just as I began to worry. I extended a long arm.

“CAW!” He said. Seems he doesn’t fully trust me, yet. [Wrong tense, you use past everywhere else] He instead landed on a perch, meant for an owl. It could barely support his size.

“This is unimaginable. What exactly happened?” He asked, a stern look replacing the one of amusement. So, I showed him, blow by blow. The friendly Phoenix even demonstrated, ending up on my shoulder.

“So, you see sir, that’s it.” I said.

“Amazing. This has never happened, ever.” He said. “We must bring you to the Headmaster. This is truly amazing!”

The spoiler above contains my full text review. My comments are in [red brackets]. My corrections are highlighted in red.

I'm not sure what happened. He went looking for dragons, then he got a phoenix, then that's apparently a big awesome event, and then we don't find out what happens later. This isn't as much of a story as a prologue to something. I have no idea what you were trying to say, and the story really doesn't have a conclusion. As Dragnet below me pointed out, what the heck happened to getting dragon blood? I am so confused...

You might want to revise this to add an ending. Best of luck to you.

Your servant,
cC

Tiger here to review for the contest! Comments shall be in bold.

DragonWriterFanatic wrote:This is for the Magic Realism contest!

I whistled slightly you can't whistle slightly. Perhaps you meant quietly, looking out of the mouth of the cave. A flicker of light came from there from where? Outside?, but the area around me cave was lit by my spell. Dragons were known to nest here. I needed Varvein, the blood of a female dragon, for my cure to Heronomia You want to explain what this is, perhaps?. Dragon’comma shouldn't be here s can’t stand human voices What does this have to do with anything? . A flashes of dazzling light blinded me insteadinstead of what? as a figure blazed by. It was too small to be the dragon I was looking for. Instead, it seemed to be a bird of a magnificent red color; unmistakably were it unmistakable, the narrator would not have had the train of thought: it was to small to be the dragon I was looking for. They would simply have thought: it was a phoenix. a Phoenix. It dropped onto a small ledge near me a ledge inside a cave? That's interesting. Being a Red Robe Erm, a what? straight from intermediate school Where?, I blurted out everything I knew about these magnificent creatures.

“A blazing crimson color, about as big as a Labrador dog so in this magical world, where there are such fantastical thing as dragons and phoenixes and red robes, there are also such dull, ordinary things as...labradors. Hmm. Sharp contrast, anyone? (though not nearly as heavy) why is this part in brackets?, Phoenixes are mystical creatures which only experts in what? can attempt to tame. It is not because they are dangerous; it is because they will only come to a Elite Black Robe or be tracked and taken by force. This still doesn't really explain why it can't be tamed by another. What is it about an Elite Black Robe that makes the phoenixes come to them specifically? ” I winced, glancing over to the beast.

Caw!” It yelped. Its beak curved under it, seemingly the beginnings of a spiral. Eh, what's this? Some sort of odd super-ability? IT Why is this capitalized? was the perfect tool to get into flowers and extract the pollen, or to snap a butterfly A bird which is covered in fire feeds on...flowers. Hmm. Not only is this ever so slightly anti-climatic, it doesn't make sense. You said it was the size of a labrador, so how many flowers does it need to suck to get the energy it needs? And wouldn't it's fire burn the flowers? And also, why would it use this odd, un-named tool to snap butterflies? Bit of a bully, are we? . I gently outstretched a hand, wondering if the myths were true, and it understood humans. The warmth of its beak surprised me as it met my skin. Soon, I had a very inquisitive Phoenix clambering onto my shoulder.

“H- h- hello,” I stuttered. The phoenix has gone from an it to a he.[/b ]He nuzzled my ear. “You got it all wrong, little guy. I’m a red robe. I’ve still got four levels to get through!”

“Caw?” It seemed to ask.

“I’m only a student, you see.” It didn’t care. It still clung to me. “I have to go.” Very slowly, I walked towards the exit, forgetting all about my dragons [b]the dragons What about the cure?.

*************************************************************************************

“Jonas Again. This is such a fantastical world...and then you have a name like Jonas. Put som pa-zazz, some bing-badaboom in it to make it interesting and fantastical, what brings you here?” The friendly Mystical Creatures teacher asked as I walked in to his room. It was his study period, and he was writing on a paper while glancing over to at a barking seal pup I hope there's some water somewhere in this room?.

“Professor Fretha, I need help. Have Phoenixes ever come to anyone other than Elite Black Robes?” I asked hurriedly Why hurriedly? It must have taken him ages to get from the cave to the room, why is he in a hurry just now? Has he suddenly recalled what he was supposed to be doing.

“Why? Got a want for one as a pet?”

“Well, I was in the Cave of Dark Arts, and a Phoenix flew to me. It wouldn’t leave. IT What's with the capitalization again? took all my will to keep it from following me He used willpower to make the phoenix stay back? Maybe you want to restructure this sentence. It looks like it’s barely more than a chick you didn't mention this before.”

“Bring it here,” he mumbled. I walked over to the door.

New paragraph. “No," he said, "Phoenixes that truly belong with they’re their masters come when called. Whistle.” I obeyed his command. For minutes, nothing happened And the teacher didn't dismiss his talk as lies and tell him to get out in all this time?. I feared it would never come. It whistled through the open window You mean it flew, right?, just as I began to worry Oh, he wasn't worrying before? I extended a long arm Is his arm normally short? .
“CAW!” He said Above you referred to the phoenix as it. Now you use he again.. Seems he doesn’t fully trust me,no comma needed yet You think? They just met for the first time like ten minutes ago. He instead landed on a perch, meant for an owl. It could barely support his size But he is: a)barely more than a chick, b)a small creature. So shouldn't it be the same size as an owl?.

“This is unimaginable. What exactly happened?” Hethe teacher asked [b]Wasn't he looking or something? [/b], a stern look replacing the one of amusement. So, I showed him, blow by blow. The friendly Phoenix even demonstrated, ending up on my shoulder. Showed him what? Everything he just saw? And how did they show him, blow by blow? Are you telling me the Phoenix blazed by a flash of dazzling light all over again?

“So, you see sir, that’s it.” I said.

“Amazing," the teacher said. "This has never happened, ever.” He said. “We must bringtake you to the Headmaster. This is truly amazing!”

So...I get the impression this was written in a rush. You started with a plot (looking for a cure) which you then deviate from without explanation. There are quite a few grammatical mistakes, so that's further evidence that it has been rushed. And maybe it's just me, but this seemed very...Harry Potter-esque. Not saying it's a bad thing, but it's a little odd all the same.

In relation to the contest:

1) Like Cspr's work, this doesn't seem like a short story but the beginning of a novel. Also like Cspr, this time around I'll overlook this.

2) It almost seems like you added the Phoenix as an afterthought. At first the story was about finding a cure from dragon blood, and then it completely deviated from that to put in the Phoenix part.

All in all, I feel that you could have tried harder. I know that you have the creativity and skill to make this better, as evidenced in the poems of yours that I've seen. But anyway, good job and KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE

P.S. The contest results will be announced tomorrow.