*
I can’t remember how it felt to go under.
I can’t remember the screams - my screams.
I can’t remember the waves pressing against me, closing in on my lungs.
I can’t remember the guard trying to revive me.
I can’t remember being taken in the ambulance, and driven to the hospital.
I can’t remember any of it, I heard mum say I'd hit my head. I can’t remember.
*
Day 1
The doctors told mum I was in a coma, mum cried. Mum cried a lot. She sat by my bed in the intensive care unit, she told me I'd hit my head, she told me the doctors put me on life support. She told me she wouldn’t give up, and then she left.
Day 4
Mum brought Gran and Gramps to see me today. They talked about me, like I wasn’t there, as I lay unmoving in the bed beside them.
Day 7
Mum didn’t come today. I don’t know why, but she didn’t come, maybe she took Sam to school, but I don’t know. She didn’t come, she didn’t talk to me.
Day 8
The doctor talked about me today - not to me of course, but to the nurse. He said my vitals were improving. The nurse smiled at me, she knew I think, she knew I could see her. Mum doesn’t, she doesn’t know I’m here, she’s like the doctors. She didn’t come for long today, she just kissed me on the cheek and left.
Day 11
Mum came - she comes most days now. But she doesn’t talk to me, she kisses me on the cheek and mumbles something to the doctor and then she cries. She cries a lot - maybe that’s why she hasn’t brought Sam.
Day 12
I changed wards today, I’m not in intensive care anymore - the doctors said all my injuries were stable, that there was no need to panic. Mum didn’t cry as much today, she almost smiled at one point. Maybe she’ll bring Sam. I hope she does, soon.
Day 16
Sam came to see me today. He gave me a hug. He told me all his friends in grade two were praying for me. He told me it was going to be okay.
Day 17
Sam came with Gran and Gramps. Sam brought me his favourite teddy.
Day 23
Mum, Sam, Gran and Gramps come everyday, but they don’t stay long. Sam brings me things, little parts of him. Soon there’ll be nothing left to give.
Day 24
Sam came alone today. He told me a story about angels. He said they’d come for me and bring me back to him.
Day 25
Sam didn’t come today. No-one came. I’m alone. Sam’s angels aren’t here.
Day 27
It’s getting harder, blurrier, the days come in an out like the waves. It’s more like a dream now, more like a nightmare.
Day 30
I’m not waking up. I miss Sam, and Mum, and Gran and Gramps. But I’m not going to wake up - I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better couldn’t be a better daughter, I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better sister, I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better granddaughter.
I’m sorry you can’t hear this, and I’m sorry you’ll never know. I’m going to die - but I’ve made my decision. I loved my life, and I’m sorry the angels Sam promised me haven’t come.
I’m sorry I never said good-bye.
I’m sorry I gave up.
*
mwahahaha
