Memento Mori

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This is my first story on YWS, so be nice :P Haha. I now realise that I probably should hsve put this in the Fantasy Novel section, but oh well....Here goes:

Is this what death feels like? Kerenza had thought it happier, or more carefree. Rolling over with a groan, she opened her eyes. Darkness enveloped her like a thick blanket. She could make out the figure of her twin brother, lying heavily on the grass. His eyes were closed, his arms crossed loosely over his chest. It was as if he had expected to die and so had fallen that way, never to move again. A large, ugly gash obscured one side of his face. The moonlight illuminated the dark blood and glinted off the chain around his neck.
“Tristan,” Kerenza whispered. Her voice was choked, barely audible. She reached out, her thin hand pale in the moon’s pallid gleam. Her fingers came in contact with the cold silver of the chain that hung around his neck.Its pendant glimmered. A leaping wolf. Their symbol.
It all came back in a flash- The Society's raid on the village, their last attempt to mantain power after the uprising. The uprising that she had organised; that Tristan had played no part in. He died because of me,Kerenza thought.
After fumbling in the dark for her quiver and bow, Kerenza looked at her brother for one last time as she stood up. There was a bitter taste in her mouth: the sharp taste of a desire for revenge.
Kerenza was good at tracking; it was one of the skills her father had taught her before his untimely death. Even in the dark she managed to pick up their trail and soon caught sight of dark trees looming high into the velvet sky.
And then she was there - the place that she had been seeking. A large iron gate rose up, the old castle behind it. A chill hung around the air near its mistshrouded turrets. On the gate two words were formed by the iron: Memento Mori. The gates opened instantly for her; and she walked through without a trace of fear. An icy draught of wind hit her in the face as she entered the castle, and there she was, waiting.
Morgan smiled. “It’s been a long time, big sister.”
Kerenza stiffened. Guards surrounded her - members of The Society, all dressed identically with the same golden wolf emblazoned on their chests.
“Leave us,” Morgan said, and they obeyed immediately, leaving the two alone. Kerenza relaxed slightly. It was irresponsible to send the guards out. Morgan had made a foolish decision, one that Kerenza wouldn't have made. But then, Kerenza was not power-hungry, or over-confident.
The other girl’s face relaxed into a smile. “So, do you like it? Our new gathering place, I mean. I thought it rather dramatic, to be honest. And as for the new motto-"
“Memento Mori,” said Kerenza.
“Yes. Do you know what it means?”
Kerenza gritted her teeth. Of course I know what it means, she thought. I taught you all the Latin you know. “It means ‘Remember that you’re mortal.”
“Correct. Appropriate, don’t you think?" She cocked her head. "But you didn't come here to discuss the motto. You came here because of Tristan."
“Why did you do that?” Kerenza said, clenching her fists. “You - you killed him.”
Morgan’s smile vanished. “Tristan committed a crime against us. He deserved to die.”
“He was one of you!” Kerenza half-shouted. “One of this Society of yours. He was your
brother! He loved you, and so did our parents, you little - ”
“Calm down, Keri. Remember that I am the one with the power.” Kerenza noticed the coal
black pendant that hung around her sister’s neck. It had been their mother’s once.
“Our mother had the gift - and you stole it!” Without it, you will die, just as our mother did.
Morgan laughed. The door behind Kerenza slammed shut.
“I’m sorry, Keri. I shouldn’t have to do this, but - ”
She never finished her sentence. Kerenza flew at her, pinning her down onto the ground, grabbing for the pendant. But Morgan was too strong. She wriggled out of her grip and within a second had Kerenza against a wall, trying to squeeze the life out of her. Kerenza gasped desperately for breath. Morgan was younger than her, but wiry and tall, and she had a talisman more powerful than anything imaginable.
“Please don’t make this so difficult,” Morgan hissed. “You know the motto. You're only mortal.”
"So are you!' Viciously, Kerenza yanked the necklace off her sister’s neck. Taken by surprise, Morgan lurched forward. With a scream she crumpled to the ground and lay still.
Heart racing, Kerenza looked at the warm black stone in her hand. It was pulsing, glowing. It was hers now. The power was hers.
Kerenza raised her hand and hurled the stone to the ground. It hit the floor hard, shattering into a thousand pieces. She watched the shards shimmer as they faded away.
Behind her, the door clanged open. Kerenza looked at Morgan’s body on the stone floor. She is gone,
she thought without any sympathy. And now that the stone was gone, everything was undone. Her parents were alive, and so was Tristan.
There wasn’t a moment to lose. Breathing hard, Kerenza gathered up her bow and arrows and raced out the door to reunite with her family.
Last edited by Shadowhunter14 on Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:06 am, edited 4 times in total.




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I thought I rather dramatic, to be honest.


Grammar error
Bheind her, the door clanged open. She looked at Morgan’s body on the stone floor. She is gone,


Another Grammar error

Overall the introduction was very intriguing and really sucked me into the action and drama, which made me want to figure out how they died and why. Very great job! The only thing wrong were the grammar mistakes I was able to pick out.




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Hey angelwings13, thanks for pointing those out - I'm usually a grammar fanatic so I'm surprised I didn't notice those! Anyway thanks a lot for your comment! :P




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That was an entertaining piece!
Shadowhunter14 wrote:Our new hangout, I mean. I thought it rather dramatic, to be honest
---> That one word 'hangout' it completely ruined the mood for me. I had thought it to be more... archaic perhaps. I think you should look into changing that word with something more appropriate for the piece.


Shadowhunter14 wrote:But she knew she wasn’t dead
---> I find this line unnecessary.

Shadowhunter14 wrote:She looked at Morgan’s body on the stone floor. She is gone,
Kerenza thought without any sympathy
---> I think you should change She and Kerenza around, better flow.

This was rather a fast moving piece, perhaps you may want to put a bit more detail into it. The fight, especially between Morgan and Kerenza. Also, more detail when Morgan dies, what exactly happened and how did it happen.

So that's that! Interesting story though.




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Cool, thanks for the advice stelagineva XD




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I had a few problems with this:

Is this what death feels like? Kerenza had thought it happier, or more carefree. But she knew she wasn’t dead.
So, does she think she's dead, or doesn't she?

Darkness enveloped her like a thick, uncomfortable blanket.
I didn't really like this metaphor-I've never known darkness to be 'uncomfortable' in the way a blanket is.

You didn't explain what the 'Society' was, or what it does. Also, Morgan is the younger, so presumably weaker, sister, so why does she tell her guards to leave if Kerenza would find it so easy to overpower her?

The ending was kinda abrupt, and a bit too perfect-the power's gone, so everyone comes back to life?

I did like your writing, and the general idea of the story, but maybe you could've explained the story a bit more?

(Sorry if this sounds too mean, I actually did like it!)
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.-Japanese Proverb




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Hey! And yeah, i thought it was a bit too fast too - i wrote it for school and had a word limit, so maybe I can elaborate more on the details now. Thanks for your advice!




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Spoiler
Shadowhunter14 wrote:This is my first story on YWS, so be nice :P Haha. Here goes:

Is this what death feels like? Kerenza had thought it happier, or more carefree. Rolling over with a groan, she opened her eyes. [If she's got enough strength to roll over, she's not nearly close to death :P] Darkness enveloped her like a thick blanket. She could make out the figure of her twin brother, lying heavily on the grass. [Lying heavily? As opposed to lying lightly? Hmm...] His eyes were closed, his arms crossed loosely over his chest. It was as if he had expected to die and so had fallen that way, never to move again. [Not exactly sure what kind of a posture one would fall into if one is expecting to die] A large, ugly gash obscured one side of his face. [I don't think "obscure" is the right word here. Gashes tend to... open up a face rather than obscure it] The moonlight illuminated the dark blood and glinted off the chain around his neck.

“Tristan,” Kerenza whispered. Her voice was choked, barely audible. She reached out, her thin hand pale in the moon’s pallid gleam. [Pallid already means pale. Not sure if the moon can give off any light other than pale] Her fingers came in contact with the cold silver of the chain that hung around his neck. Its pendant glimmered. A leaping wolf. Their symbol.

It all came back in a flash: The Society's raid on the village, their last attempt to maintain power after the uprising. The uprising that she had organised; that Tristan had played no part in. He died because of me,Kerenza thought.

After fumbling in the dark for her quiver and bow, Kerenza looked at her brother for one last time as she stood up. There was a bitter taste in her mouth: the sharp taste of a desire for revenge. [Whoa there. Revenge causes tastes in one's mouth? Kerenza might want to have that looked at]

Kerenza was good at tracking; it was one of the skills her father had taught her before his untimely death. Even in the dark she managed to pick up their trail and soon caught sight of dark trees looming high into the velvet sky. [Wasn't she near death a minute ago?]

And then she was there - the place that she had been seeking. [...when did this happen?] A large iron gate rose up, the old castle behind it. A chill hung around the air [How does a chill hang around the air? Did you mean "in the air"?] near its mist-shrouded turrets. On the gate two words were formed by the iron: Memento Mori. The gates opened instantly for her; and she walked through without a trace of fear. An icy draught of wind hit her in the face as she entered the castle, and there she was, waiting.

Morgan smiled. “It’s been a long time, big sister.” [You're jumping from place to place. Two sentences ago we were outside the castle. Now I'm not even sure where we are. More scene descriptions, please!]

Kerenza stiffened. Guards surrounded her [So much for being an excellent tracker] - members of The Society, all dressed identically with the same golden wolf emblazoned on their chests.

“Leave us,” Morgan said, and they obeyed immediately, leaving the two alone. The other girl’s face relaxed into a smile. “So, do you like it? Our new gathering place, I mean. I thought it rather dramatic, to be honest. And as for the new motto-"

“Memento Mori,” said Kerenza.

“Yes. Do you know what it means?”

Kerenza gritted her teeth. Of course I know what it means, she thought. I taught you all the Latin you know. “It means ‘Remember that you’re mortal'.”

“Correct. Appropriate, don’t you think?" She cocked her head. "But you didn't come here to discuss the motto. You came here because of Tristan."

“Why did you do that?” Kerenza said, clenching her fists. “You - you killed him.”

Morgan’s smile vanished. “Tristan committed a crime against us. He deserved to die.”

“He was one of you!” Kerenza half-shouted. [what's a half-shout?] “One of this Society of yours. He was your brother! He loved you, and so did our parents, you little - ”

“Calm down, Keri. Remember that I am the one with the power.” Kerenza noticed the coal black pendant that hung around her sister’s neck. It had been their mother’s once.

“Our mother had the gift - and you stole it!” Without it, you will die, just as our mother did.

Morgan laughed. The door behind Kerenza slammed shut.

“I’m sorry, Keri. I shouldn’t have to do this, but - ”

She never finished her sentence. Kerenza flew at her, pinning her down onto the ground, grabbing for the pendant. But Morgan was too strong. She wriggled out of her grip and within a second had Kerenza against a wall, trying to squeeze the life out of her. Kerenza gasped desperately for breath. Morgan was younger than her, but wiry and tall, and she had a talisman more powerful than anything imaginable. [That doesn't tell us much. Does it shoot lasers? Does it summon pies out of nowhere? More descriptions please]

“Please don’t make this so difficult,” Morgan hissed. “You know the motto. You're only mortal.”

"So are you!' Viciously, Kerenza viciously yanked the necklace off her sister’s neck. Taken by surprise, Morgan lurched forward. With a scream she crumpled to the ground and lay still.

Heart racing, Kerenza looked at the warm black stone in her hand. It was pulsing, glowing. It was hers now. The power was hers.

Kerenza raised her hand and hurled the stone to the ground. It hit the floor hard, shattering into a thousand pieces. She watched the shards shimmer as they faded away.

Behind her, the door clanged open. Kerenza looked at Morgan’s body on the stone floor. She is gone,
she thought without any sympathy. And now that the stone was gone, everything was undone. Her parents were alive, and so was Tristan. [I got the impression that Morgan was the leader of this Society, or at least a high ranking officer. It strikes me as very irresponsible of her that she sent the guards out. How did she become the leader of the Society again?]

There wasn’t a moment to lose. Breathing hard, Kerenza gathered up her bow and arrows and raced out the door to reunite with her family.


The spoiler above contains my in-depth critique. My comments are in [red brackets], words highlighted in red are the ones that I corrected.

First off, this isn't much of a short story, it's more of a beginning to a novel. A prologue, I suppose. This brings me to my second point: prologues should either have a very memorable scene that will grip your attention and haunt you for the rest of the novel, or they should reveal some background about the world. This bit here does neither. If, however, it was not a prologue but rather the first chapter of a novel, it should go into the "Fantasy Novels" section.

Having said that, I really have no idea what happened. Some person awoke from near-death, went to a castle, broke some stone, then suddenly everything was alright. What did the stone do? What is the Society? Too many questions, not enough answers. This is fine when you are writing a semi-abstract short story with a profound point behind it, but this does not seem like one of these pieces.

Also, not enough descriptions. You skip ahead in large steps, making me miss out on quite a bit of information. What did the scene of the MC's death look like? What does Morgan look like? What does the castle look like? You only mention that it had turrets - a lot of castles tend to have turrets. Does it have any distinguishing characteristics? More descriptions, please.

If you fix the above problems, you will have yourself a nice prologue. However, still, I would not post novel prologues here - try the forum inside this one called "Fantasy Novels". This really has no end and therefore does not work as a self-contained short story. Good luck.

Your servant,
cC
_




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One of the highlights of this for me is the first line, the first line is very important and I think yours is perfect. It adds drama and makes me want to read more. Your style of writing is wonderful, I love the punchy sentences and short paragraphs, they bring the story forward very fast. Apart from the grammar problems this is perfect.
And just a short last comment, I love the title! And you said you couldn't make them up!



It is most unlikely. But - here comes the big "but" - not impossible.
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