abuse

My eyes tear up as he walks away again
clutching my arm with pain
watching his hand print fade away
the skin bright
red
wishing he would come back
knowing he would just make me bleed...
cry...
die...
I try to get up but my legs are broken
I try to call out but nobody here
I want to move on but I can not
so I whisper to myself he will be back
he loves me
but it is lies
I scream with pain again
then the world starts fade away
the pain starts to leave
I know I am leaving too
I will never see him again
he will never see me
no one will
so he will not
break my heart
...then leave
maybe someday he will come back
love me
find me here
his hand print faded
me laying on the floor broken
still and peaceful
but by then it will be to late...
I will be
broken
unloved

...
...
dead

goldentouch wrote:my eyes tear up as he walks away again (I don't feel it's right to state that he walks away again on the first line)
Clutching my arm with pain
Watching his hand print fade away
The skin bright
Red (The color of his skin? Or the light? Please clarify)
Wishing he would come back
Knowing he would just make me bleed...
Cry...
Die...
I try to get up but my legs are broken
I try to call out but there's nobody here
I want to move on but I can not
So I whisper to myself he will be back
He loves me
But it is lies
I scream with pain again
Then the world starts to fade away
The pain starts to leave
I know I am leaving too
I will never see him again
He will never see me
No one will
So he will not
Break my heart
...Then I leave
Maybe someday he will come back
Love me
Find me here
His hand print faded
Me laying on the floor broken
Still and peaceful (How peaceful if you were laying on the floor broken)
But by then it will be to late...
I will be (You will be broken? I thought you were already broken)
Broken
Unloved (Unloved, when you stated he loves you?)

...
...
DEAD

Hi Goldeneye,the the writing in bold are my fix ups. I personally am not a fan of these kinds of poems, but yours did get me interested. Don't forget your Caps on every line. Overall, good job.

me laying on the floor broken
still and peaceful
but by then it will be to late...
i will be
broken
unloved
I like this poem it's very sad and moving. I think where it says "still and peaceful" Instead of peaceful you should use serene or beautiful. It would sound more descriptive and it would flow nicer.

wow yeah its beautiful sad though!

I've been meaning to give you a review on this all day, so now I have settled down and decided to do so. My name is Flow by the way. Ok, now that introductions are over I'll move on to the review.

I really loved this. It portrays very keen emotion in it, I don't know if keen was the right word haha, but moving on.
As much as I liked this the lack of punctuation and capital letters was distracting. I think a poem reads so much better when you have the proper punctuation and capitalization. It not only makes it easier to read, it looks better.

Another thing I noted was the flow. You break flow quite a bit in this. I think this could be easily fixed, and I will make more comments on that below.

Besides that this is wonderful, I think you did very well at relating to the reader here, and not many people can do that. It takes quite a talent to do that.

goldentouch wrote:My eyes tear up as he walks away again. I would put a period here and just edit the next line to match it. I think it would sound better, but it's completely up to you.
I clutch my arm in pain
watching his hand print fade away,
the skin bright
red I would put this line into the line above, it gives no effect being alone. I think it kind of hinders the poem.
wishing he would come back,
knowing he would just make me bleed...
cry...
die... I like the effect of this, but the periods after it are distracting.
I try to get up but my legs are broken,
I try to call out but nobody is here.
I want to move on, but I can't ,
so I whisper to myself he will be back I would say something like, telling myself that he would come back. It would sound better.
he loves me, Once again I would say something about you telling yourself this.
but it is lies.
I scream with pain again, This is really jumpy here.
then the world starts fade away
the pain starts to leave.
I know I am leaving too,
and I will never see him again.
He will never see me,
no one will
so he will not This looks like what you said before until you read the next line. I would just combine them.
break my heart
...then leave. And leave again maybe?
Maybe someday he will come back
and love me,
find me here
his hand print faded,
me laying on the floor broken
still and peaceful,
but by then it will be to late...
I will be
broken
unloved

...
...
DEAD

I think that this would have more emotion in it if you didn't capitalize the word dead. You seem more emty and broken when the letter are just plain.


Ok like I said above those are just some suggestions that I though would sound nice. I really did love the emotion in this piece, it made me sad. I can't wait to read more from you. I hope you didn't find anything of what I said harsh, but if you did I appologize.

If you need me for anything or just wanna ask me about the review let me know through a pm.

-Flow-

damn that was good