The Circle of Life

This is my first thread ever on this site, I'm kinda new to both this forums and poetry.. Excuse my work if it's not up to your standards.

The Circle of Life

Unexpected lies glide into our lives,
Secrets and rumors pass through ears,
Many lives ruined and others reborn,
Combined by love and destroyed by fears.

Sighs of relief and excitement released,
Looks of jealousy and hate thrown around,
Hearts broken and tears shed in misery,
Hopes and dreams crushed to the ground.

Memories remembered, ambitions dreamt,
Schemes planned, and proposals given,
Problems shared, solutions stated,
Success celebrated, and mistakes forgiven.

Beautiful personalities brought down,
By discouragement, sorrow and grief,
Millions of future leaders faded away,
Only a handful makes it through with relief.

The amazing circle of life never stops,
Feelings and emotions can never end,
Love and hate can never be compared,
Just like good and evil can never blend.

HIO TOE!!! Great poem I'll try to review (I'm useless when I do it but hey ho!) I really like
Memories remembered, ambitions dreamt,
Schemes planned, and proposals given,
Problems shared, solutions stated,
Success celebrated, and mistakes forgiven
Because it sounds so lively (when I'm feeling so lively) and just nice. Good job, post some more soon!

Thanks! You are my first reply !

"Beautiful personalities brought down,By discouragement, sorrow and grief,Millions of future leaders faded away,Only a handful makes it through with relief"
These are my favorite lines! You did a great job describing life and it's ups and downs(: Bravo

-Remember me(:

Thank you. No one has any fix ups? I posted this up to pick up some little mistakes and learn off it.

Ooh, that's a very nice poem! I didn't catch anything that needs to be fixed. The thing I noticed is that when I first read it, it seemed to sound awkward in my mind but then, it's fine xD. This poem is really meaningful.

By the way, welcome to YWS!
-Whisperer -

Thaaaanks. Wait, why did it sound awkward? ... I can fix that up if you tell me why.

Hello there! Very very nice poem. The imagery of the light and dark sides of life is very well depicted. I like it very much. I'd greatly appreciate it if you could read my short story Ghosts That Linger and comment. Thank you, and keep writing!
- HIGHWHITESOCKS

Hmm.. Thanks, and Alright.

Hi, Toe. Great poem. You kick butt with poetry. Don't let others convince you otherwise.

Looks of jealousy and hate thrown around, Maybe it was just be, but this line seemed a little wordy.
Hearts broken and tears shed in misery,

Memories remembered, ambitions dreamt, This sounded a little repetitive.
Schemes planned, and proposals given,

Love and hate can never be compared,
Just like good and evil can never blend. I love this ending. It's so strong. Great way to wrap it up

.

Overall: I really love this poem. It flowed well and had a wonderful rythm. Sorry I didn't give you an in depth review, but I can't find much fault with this poem. I can't wait to see your other works. Good luck with your writing~Blue.

Thanks. I appreciate you help in pointing out some of the minor flaws. I'll see what I can do about it.

Hello, Toe. Here as requested.

Firstly, I'll just go through your poem.

Unexpected lies glide into our lives,

I would really like it if you perhaps explained this line further. Why are the lies unexpected? If you're talking about the 'circle of life' then everything in it seems to be an integral part of this circle, and therefore surely aren't expected. Also, is 'glide' really the right word? If the lies are unexpected, they wouldn't just merrily float into someone's life - they'd crash into lives and stomp around causing havoc.

Secrets and rumors pass through ears,

Do they really just pass through? Sounds much too passive.

Combined by love and destroyed by fears

'Combined' doesn't really work here. Combining lives doesn't fully grasp what love really does - I think it needs much more than just one word. And, if you choose not to develop this line further, I'd recommend maybe using a better word that 'combined.'
In addition, using 'fears' here feels a little bit like you're twisting your poem around in order for it to fit in with the rhyme scheme. You could always try free-form, but it's not especially bad.

Beautiful personalities brought down,
By discouragement, sorrow and grief,
Millions of future leaders faded away,
Only a handful makes it through with relief.

Here, your rhyme scheme seems way too obvious. The line doesn't work, it doesn't need to be there, yet it is because you need to fit it to the rhyme scheme. Please, please don't compromise your poem for the rhyme. It just makes everything worse. You need to work really hard to make sure the lines don't sound awkward with the rhyme, because it can seriously ruin a stanza.

Love and hate can never be compared,
Just like good and evil can never blend.

This annoyed me. The lines are untrue and cliché. Love and hate can easily be compared - they're both strong emotions that produce powerful reactions, and we often hate those who we love most. Of course good and evil can blend! No-one is just good, or just evil, and many acts have elements of both good and evil in them. I know this seems like a strong ending but, well, it's just way too black and white for my taste. Keep it if you wish, but I think you'd be better off with an alternative ending.

Overall thoughts:

The main thing that struck me with your poem is the way that you rush through everything. I found it very hard to connect with what you were saying, because you tried to cover so many topics throughout that it became quite rushed. I do get what you're trying to do here, but I think that maybe you need to slow down a little bit and take some time to allow the readers to enjoy what you're saying instead of rushing through everything at break neck speed. I don't think that you need to put everything into your poem - perhaps try to spend more time on the important things.

Another think I noticed was the lack of poetic devices in your poem. If you want to enhance it then try to include some more imagery and devices such as metaphors/similes/personification. They'll make it better for the reader and refine it much more. Try and make this more emotional for the reader - instead of just telling us what goes on in this circle, try to show us! (An old argument, I know...)


Anyway, I like the premise of your poem and the way you started it out. With a bit of work you'll definitely have something here!

-Amy

Wow, I never really took notice of these small but important mistakes. Thanks.