Here I Await For You

The lost night, in the moment, the warm sunny day, twists away

Got to surrender, drop down

To fly above, in the night

Zooming by, knowing there is a wish

I knew the day would come

The past, the rumors, the troubles

The memories of you

I'm a fool

If only days can last, to be perfect like today

If only, the words you say, came true

In this lost world, I got to drop down, to fly above, become a wish, for the day to come, remove the troubles, the rumors, to create memories with you, I'm a fool, to throw these days away, if only the words id say would come true, in this lost world, I await for you.

Hey, i quite liked this! The title interested me and i like how you structured the poem. My only advice is maybe not to use too much commas? there were some places where i didn't think u needed them....well im not sure but anyway....

This frustrated me... Quite badly, actually.

To start with, I don't understand the very first line:

The lost night, in the moment, the warm sunny day, twists away

Is it the lost night, or is it daytime? That was a huge contradiction, and I don't understand at all. Maybe I'm overlooking a deeper meaning, but I'm just not sure.

Then there's your structure. You went from short, choppy phrases, to a whole paragraph? And there were a lot of unnecessary commas in it, at that. Maybe I'm just being harsh, but this poem was very difficult for me to understand and read....

Hi niccinic, sorry if it disappointed you, but to answer your questions, the lost night, even in the day the body of emotions can make it feel as your lost in the summer night. The short choppy phrases, were lines from many diffrent poems of mine. then the paragraph was the new making of the single lined poems. sorry if you didn't like it, hope to see more comments from you

The thing I love about poetry is that it tells a story. It could be either a sad or happy, a beautiful to horrid, ect. Your poem had beauty in it. Though in all poetry their is at least one mistake, one thing that could be changed. Your use of punctuation is very poor during my reading of this poem.

lance wrote:The lost night, in the moment, the warm sunny day, twists away.

Got to surrender, drop down

To fly above, in the night..... (Let your poem exaggerate a bit)

Zooming by, knowing there is a wish-This part confused me, a little. Is the person you are talking about a comet of some sort?If so explain that a bit more.

I knew the day would come

The past, the rumors, the troubles

The memories of you.

I'm a fool----The line here is short, it doesn't fit in well with the rest of the poem.

"If only days can last, to be perfect like today

If only, the words you say, came true."This was, in my opinion, the best line out of the entire poem.
!!!Uh-oh! You got comma happy. You need the add a few periods in here. A conjunction or two, this is a run-on in a poem and those are never wise to have.
In this lost world, I got to drop down, to fly above, become a wish, for the day to come, remove the troubles, the rumors, to create memories with you, I'm a fool, to throw these days away, if only the words id say would come true, in this lost world, I await for you.

I'm sure you can fix what needs to be fixed in the last part. Overall good job. Keep writing!

-M.H.Darling

thank you for the comment, I understand what you are trying to say. The reason why you may be confused with "Zooming by, knowing there is a wish." Is that of what i wrote at the beginning are lines from older older poems to conform the bottom poem, sorry to be confusing and all. Thanks again for the comment.