The Best Friend

She said it would be fun.
She always said it would be fun.
I just went along with what she said;
I always did what she said, because that was my job
I'm "the best friend".
But look how that ended up...
I am now "the best friend" to a
dead girl.

Hello, MoMo. I'm Freak.

This was...very interesting, caught my attention for sure. I liked it for the most part, but it seemed like it went by too fast - I was reading it in my head as if I was rambling. The ending was just all of a sudden, and I didn't really like it, but it was a great twist.

She had said it would be fun.
She had always Try emphasizing the word, "Always" by using a different word order or even italics said it would be fun.
I just went along with what She Here, you're making it sound like she's God. I'd consider italicizing for emphasis said,
I always did what She Again, italics for emphasis said, because that was my job
I'm the Best Friend. Try quoting this rather than capitalizing, because this is a name, that you are calling yourself
But look how that ended up...
I am now the Best Friend Again, quotation marks to a
Dead Girl Don't capitalize for emphasis; your words should always be enough

You made mistakes mostly on how to emphasize and I guess get your feelings through to the reader. Good job, though. Write on and PM me for anything.

~Freak

I agree with most of what CreativeFreak said, but overall i liked how u had such a sudden ending, it made me want to go back and read it all over again. This poem is short and sweet and leaves a lot to the reader's imagination, and i liked that.

Hey, Mo! Again, welcome to YWS! I'm going to do a bit of a tough review on this because I like the concept and the idea that you're getting at, but I want this poem to be perfect. Granted, it'll take a lot; you'll be editing forever if you want perfection. Without further talk, though, let's begin:

She had said it would be fun.
She had always said it would be fun.

These first two lines are awkward. The second basically repeats it, but a bit more awkwardly. Try taking out the two instances of 'had' and notice the better fluidity of the sentences. That has to do with tenses, and the perfect tenses (have/had+verb) typically don't fly well in poetry.

I just went along with what She said;
I always did what She said, because that was my job.
I'm the Best Friend.

Corrected a tiny bit of punctuation above, but I don't have any suggestions as far as content.

But look how that ended up...
I am now the Best Friend to a
Dead Girl.

The ending comes a bit abruptly. I suggest you add a bit more to this poem. Try expanding on stories about your experiences with the Dead Girl. It's a brilliant idea, but you leave it vaguely open and unresolved. I want more from you! I want to challenge you to do your best, and I want to read it when you finish.

Keep me posted!

-Lumi

Thanks everybody! I needed some real critisism on my work becuase when I show it to my freinds they love it no matter what. Its a great confidence booster, not great for making improvements. so every bit of critiq helps.
I have had this peice in my head for a long time, but I suck at poetry so thats why its really bad.
I have a few peices that go with poem they are kind of simmilar, but I could never intigrate them together.

This seems okay, but I would suggest letting the words speak for themselves, not the capitals. The last line is a bit awkward as well; you kind alost the flow of the words. Overall, the idea was very nice, the skill with which it was written with was fair, and the general appeal is good. Good job!

I love that poem Mel about the two best friends!!!!!!
Keep going girl!!!

aww i still think this is good but i think u should add more detail to it

Hi, if I have to be honest I think the poem is not very striking. You don't really make clear what it's happening or happened between the poet and the best friend because the poem lacks of description. I am not saying you need to describe a lot but you should definitely delineate the story so that the reader can feel more involved.

In this lined for example:

...I just went along with what she said;
I always did what she said, because that was my job
I'm "the best friend".
But look how that ended up...

I can feel some anger expressed which is good but everything it's too vague. I think that if you expand on the poem a bit more the story behind it could become interesting.

I don't really like this two line:

She said it would be fun.
She always said it would be fun.

I think the repetition unnecessary.

Could you please expand this sentence:

I am now "the best friend" to a
dead girl.

What do you men by dead? I she dead as in dead or dead as in she hurt the author's feelings in some way.

Please expand more, sorry if I seemed rude in any way it wasn't my intention I am just trying to help you in improving the poem, good luck

As is, this poem is incredibly short. It's an intriguing topic, and although very deep, these few stanzas are very shallow.
It needs emotion, passion, imagery, detail. Quite honestly, right now, it just seems like some chopped up sentences.
Who is she? What was your relationship like? What did she always say would be fun? For whatever reason, I jump to the conclusion that it's drugs or alcohol and she overdosed, but it isn't set in stone. I understand if you don't want to come out and say it for sake of the poem, but metaphors and such can be amazing replacements for direct statement.
Such an in-depth topic as death needs emotion. It deserves more, you know? I will admit, there is power in simplicity, but this takes it a bit too far.

You have a few snowflakes now, you just have to just rip the emotion and detail out of the sky until it's a brilliant blizzard. I know you have it in you.
Keep writing, keep working, and keep the faith.

-Jocelyn.

P.S. I apologize if I came across as harsh, that is in no way how I intended it to be received.

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall reviewing this rather unique piece, I say unique but alas unique doesn't always equal good, but it can if you're willing to listen take the harsh criticism in stride and improve upon it. I want you to go to the limits and work on this and make this not a good poem, but an epic poem.

Okay we shall begin, you write this in a prose style, but even prose needs literacy techniques to back it up and strengthen to the full capabilities, you also tell us everything, in a poem like this you'd be better to subtle as you want the end to be a shock. Offer insight into what you did for them, don't just tease us with mindless suggestion, give us something to be interested by, see when you drone on and on about things without giving us imagery, it kicks the readers out. Worse in your case this seems more like the malnourished skeleton of an idea that needs a little fattening or maybe some skin --- hmm this metaphor stayed too long I think. Basically you lose us.

Overall: It's sad this poem has major potential, in a a prose style poem, but you waste it in favour of making something dull and uninteresting, the lines are cliche, the build up is slow and eventual answer isn't so much a shock as just a 'huh'. I believe this could be written better.

Hope this helps.

It was interesting but did not make much sense

muy interesante!
Try adding a lot more detail and emphasis on words like "always' and things like it.
You have something special here.
Seize it.
Good job!
---------
-jojo

I liked it. Normally, I would say to elaborate but here I don't think it's needed. I think you made it short and sweet. I liked that part of it. I also like using "dead girl". The "best friend" just forgot about you. And that's what make it so relatable. It's so relatable, everyone has lost a best friend, you don't even have to describe it.