Young Writers Society


Betrayal

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this is my first thing that i've put on2 YWS. No mean comments please but constructive criticism is welcome :D

Betrayal

She runs through the night, hooded, masked
A false impression of kindness and joy
She is a traitor, disguised as a friend
Gleeful that all have fallen for her ploy.
Her eyes gleam coldly in malice
uncaring, unfeeling for the pain she has caused
She laughs, a harsh sound that echoes throughout
Filling even the bravest hearts with doubt.
Suddenly no one is trusted, everyone is apart
Whispering in the shadows, cowering in the dark.
She is gone but she has left a trail of misery behind Scarred in their memories, burned in their minds.
She creeps silently through the dark -
then slips away before dawn.
Last edited by Shadowhunter14 on Wed Oct 05, 2011 10:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Shadowhunter14 wrote:Her eyes glint coldly in malice

A great piece of poetry, if i am to be a judge of poetry. Maybe for this line you can put "her dark eyes shone with her malice", (if her eyes were dark, i would not know if you would want light eyes)
The moment you say that one set of moral ideas can be better than another, you are, in fact, measuring them both by a standard, saying that one of them conforms to that standard more nearly than the other. C. S. Lewis

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Hi ZLYF, thanks for your advice, i shall take that into consideration :)




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I like it. It's dark and evil, something we all have in us. I like how you make her sound like a creeper.
Life can be amazing if your slightly strange




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i quite liked this poem, and thought it was very well said, great description, how evil she is.




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Haha thanx people, well yes i do have quite a dark twisted mind so u can see where this is coming from........




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I like the main idea of this poem, the personification of betrayal was a great idea. However some things didn't rest well with me...

Uncaring, unfeeling for the pain she has caused


That line is where the poem took a downward spiral for me. At first you had a great rhythm and rhyme, but here it just sort of went into free verse. Now I like free verse, and I like metered poetry, but I don't quite like them together.

My favorite line of all was:

Her eyes glint coldly in malice


I don't really know why that caught my attention like it did, but... it did.

Overall good job (: Maybe I'm just critical about the structure thing.




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Hi and good bye. Antidisastablishmentarianism. goodbye.
Nella vita vi è la distruzione, desolazione nella morte, ma c'è speranza nella rivoluzione.




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Im back. It actually was really good. no kidding
Nella vita vi è la distruzione, desolazione nella morte, ma c'è speranza nella rivoluzione.




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Pretty good! My favorite part of this poem was
A false impression of kindness and joy, She is a traitor disguised as a friend
This spoke to me as a sweet little girl on the face, but a traitor in the heart.



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