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Deleted...didn't like it

Hi there!

I'll start off with the nitpicks. Corrections in red, comments in bold :]

Chapter One:

Crossing my arms over my stomach, I approached Jordan. He was laughing at something his friend had said. I rested a hand on his shoulder and when he turned to me, smiling, I said:
"Jordan, I need to talk to you."
His smile grew and he said, "Sure, what's up?"

Grabbing him by the hand, I pulled him to the corner of the courtyard where no one was.

As soon as I opened my mouth, tears rolled down my face. His face softened and he wrapped me in a huge.
"Julie, what's wrong?"

My whole body shook as I said, "I don't know if I can tell you."

He placed a finger beneath my chin and lifted my face so that I was looking at him as he said: (you've used 'said' a lot so far. Try describing how he says this in a different way.)
"Jules, you can tell me anything."

Wiping tears from my face, I tucked a strand of blond hair behind my ear. Taking a deep breath I said:
"Okay Jordan." I crossed my arms back over my stomach and continued. "I'm telling you this because I need to be fair to you and I know that you'll find out eventually anyway."

His eyebrows drew together and he rubbed his hands up and down my arms (I like this, it's cute.) "What's wrong?"

Slowly, I blinked and took a deep breath. "Jordan, I'm pregnant."

He immediately pulled his arms back. His face fell as he said, sounding hurt: (He seems more than just hurt. He sounds angry, too. And confused. 'Hurt' seems a bit weak here)
"What!? How the hell did that happen? We never-" I nodded.

He stepped away from me and said accusingly:
"You cheated on me?" Taking a step forwards, I put my hands out towards him and begged,
"Jordan, no I didn't!"

He pushed my arms away and said
"Then how the hell did that happen!?" He pointed at my stomach.

My eyed burned with tears and I said,"I can't tell you."
His jaw tightened and he said: "That's what I thought."

Tears ran down my face and I begged (you used 'begged' recently. Another word would be good)
"Jordan, please! You have to believe me." He took a step backwards and said,
"We're done Julie, we're done."

He turned around and walked away without another word. Through my tears, I saw him saying something to his friends, which who were also my friends, and they all looked at me with daggers in their eyes. (How many were friends were there?) I placed my hand over my mouth and my other arm over my stomach as I stood there and cried. (you've done a lot of telling but not a whole lot of showing. Are the sobs rattling her body, or is she crying silently, the tears sliding bitterly down her face?... you get the picture )

In an hour, everyone would know. They would be told that I cheated on Jordan, and then that I was pregnant. I looked around at everyone. They would all hate me. Jordan is the nicest guy in this school. Everyone wants to be his girlfriend. (why is that? Is he particularly nice looking [describe him, either way], and what makes him so nice? Also, why did he chose the MC over everything else? It would be good to get a bigger picture on their relationship.) Me cheating on him would make me a bad person and no one is going to want to talk to me. (hmm this bit is a little blunt. Spice it up a little. Some exaggerations would work well here)

I ran across the courtyard and into the school. Leaning back on a random locker, I slid down to the floor. Wrapping my arms around my knees, I sat there and cried. It seemed like my cried were echoing in the hallway for hours. Then I heard a familiar voice ask: "Are you keeping it?"

My head snapped up to see Jordan, standing infront of me with a tight jaw and hard eyes. (I like this, I could picture it well)
"What do you mean?" I asked.

Shoving his hands in his jacket's pockets, he said, "You know, are you getting an abortion?"
This time, my eyes hardened and I yelled "No!" (why is she so sure about this? How can she love this baby so much when [I assume] it's her evil father's? And she's just found out about it? Expand here)

He stood there kind of awkwardly and asked, "Are you going to keep it?"
Standing up, I crossed my arms over my stomach again and said: "Jordan, I'm not getting rid of my baby." His jaw twisted a little bit (that's a strange image. Maybe just leave it as 'his jaw twisted') and he turned around and left.

I wanted so badly to call out to him, but knew it would be no use.

***

When I got home, I felt another hand strike me across the face (why 'another' hand?) and my head hit the door again. I refrained from letting out a sound and he yelled:
"What the hell is this!?" He was holding up my pregnancy test.

Snatching it from his hand I said curtly "You're Your fault!" I threw the test at his face and he smacked me again. Maybe I deserved that one.

"What are you doing in my trash?" I accused. His eyes hardened and he grabbed my arm with such strength I had no choice but to bend under it. He turned around, twisting my arm, and dragged me up the stairs saying "This is my house Julie, you can't hide anything from me. Not to mention that anything you think you own is really mine. Including that...thing."

"You bitch!" (Not sure that bitch fits here. When I think of a 'bitch' I think of a snitchy nasty girl. It doesn't really create any effect on me when she says it to her father) I yelled at him. He let go of my arm but whipped around and punched me. I fell backwards and began rolling down the stairs. (that's harsh! :0) Immediately, I wrapped my arms around my stomach.

I lay at the bottom of the stairs whimpering in pain as my dad came back down the stairs saying:
"God, a stepdaughter was enough. I don't need a real kid." Stepdaughter? What? Why was I never told this? (This doesn't seem to have as much effect on her as it should. It's not mentioned afterwards. I suggest you either explain why she's not reacting much, or make her try to question her father on the matter)

He scooped me up and began marching up the stairs. He threw me onto the floor of my room and then slammed the door behind him. I heard the door lock. Last year he switched the handles so my lock was on the outside.

Removing one hand from my stomach I began feeling around my head. I felt a gash on my forehead, another on on the back of my head, and I felt a whole bunch of scraped and blood. (this last bit doesn't really make sense :/) My arms were sliced up and had blood running down them. (how did her arms get so sliced up from falling down the stairs? Unless there was something sharp on the stairs I'd expect her arms to be scraped, not cut and bleeding.)

Lifting up my now stained white shirt I looked at my stomach and asked "You're okay, aren't you?"

Standing up, I went into the bathroom that was connected to my room. Refusing to look at myself in the mirror, I shed my clothes and got in the shower. The water that ran off me turned into a bright red and gathered at my feet. I think it must have taken half an hour to get all of the blood out.

When I got out of the shower, I couldn't stop myself from looking in the mirror. My blond hair was stained with blood (? I don't get it, didn't she just have a shower?) and my entire face and body was covered in cuts and scratches. Spots were already beginning to form bruises.

Then I had an idea. I ran out into my room and quickly pulled on a black turtle neck and a pair of jeans. As I slid on a pair of sneakers, I grabbed a bag and began shoving clothes, shoes, make up, toiletries, and sentimental things (like?... expand here). I put my mother's necklace around my neck and shoved all of my money in my wallet and in my back pocket.

I ran over to the window and threw it open. Luckily, the garage was infront of my room, so I'd be able to drop onto it. First, I dropped the bag down. Then, making sure to bend my knees, I dropped myself down. I quickly grabbed my bag and then threw it to the ground. Holding onto the edge, I lowered myself down and then let myself drop the rest of the way.

Grabbing the bag, I began to run. I didn't know where I was going, I was just thinking about getting away from here, something I should have done years ago. (I like this, it leaves me wanting to read more)

Overall:

Firstly, there were a lot of spelling mistakes in this - make sure to read over your work really carefully before submitting. Grammar mistakes can really take away from the story. Also, remember to make a new line everytime someone speaks.
In terms of the actual story itself, it would be good if you could put in more emotions. As I mentioned before, you did a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. For instance, when she's being beaten by her father, show her emotions. She must be angry; show it. Think of all the things you go through when you're angry: you tense, your fists clench, you think of a million and one ways to hurt the person who's hurting you. This piece has a lot of potential: with more showing and emotions, it could be very powerful. It would be good if you described the MC a little more too, like how old is she? It's quite important, as the impact of her being pregnant can vary with age.
Apart from that, I like the idea. I didn't expect her father to be the father of the child, so good job on that. I like how she runs away at the end, leaving a bit of a cliffhanger. I look forward to reading more!

Hope I helped, and keep writing!

~Lilicia

God I'm so glad this chapter is not that lengthy like so many people's are, but don't you think it's getting a little rushed? Slow down there and express more pain and emotions.

Can't wait to read more! U so got me hooked!!!

God I'm so glad this chapter is not that lengthy like so many people's are, but don't you think it's getting a little rushed? Slow down there and express more pain and emotions.

Can't wait to read more! U so got me hooked!!!

I Really love the idea, the story already has me hooked and I can't wait to read more.
you should probably show more emotion really describe how she felt instead of just telling.
In the chapter some really important information was just skipped over, when she finds out he is her stepfather. i would suggest making her dazed and thinking about that then have the dad hit or something along those lines.

I think you should do some research on abortions, teen moms, rape victims, so you can really get an idea for how the girl feels about her baby, that could really make your story so much better and pull in the readers. going along with the whole baby topic, maybe before you have her talk to her boyfriend she should think about the baby and how she feels about it. because it felt weird reading it her randomly being your not touching my baby about twice with out really knowing how much she cares for the baby

hope i help =)

Nitpicks - a little too fast-paced (I know, you don't want insanely long chapters that nobody bothers reading - but if you have to, break them up into sections) and you fell into the typical issue of doing too much showing, not enough telling. Give us more depth so that we really reach out to these characters. Anyway, overall I like the direction you're going with this, so keep it up and just remember to make sure that you keep the thought in there when you're telling. It's especially important with first person.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

fictionfanatic wrote:
Removing one hand from my stomach I began feeling around my head. I felt a gash on my forehead, another on on the back of my head, and I felt a whole bunch of scrapes and blood. My arms were sliced up and had blood running down them. This sounds like too much blood for the amount of beating the character recieved. Punches and slaps don't leave scrapes, they leave bruises and busted lips. Falling down staires wouldn't make you bleed, either, unless you broke a bone and it was sticking out of your skin, or cracked your skull. Staires also leave bruises.

Lifting up my now stained white shirt I looked at my stomach and asked "You're okay, aren't you?"Is the character assuring the baby, or herself? Is it like "You're ok, aren't you, Baby? Yes you are. Don't worry, you're fine." in a motherly tone, or is it like "OH MY GOD! Are you ok?! You're okay, aren't you? Right??! Please be ok!" In a frantic, scared tone?

Standing up, I went into the bathroom that was connected to my room. Refusing to look at myself in the mirror, I shed my clothes and got in the shower. The water that ran off me turned into a bright red and gathered at my feetWhen blood mixes with water, it doesn't turn a "bright red". If there's a lot of blood, its a little bit lighter than the color of blood coming out of your skin, because it's mixed with water, otherwise, blood turns diffeent shades of orange when mixed with water.. I think it must have taken half an hour to get all of the blood out.

When I got out of the shower, I couldn't stop myself from looking in the mirror"Lookin'" is a word choice for Voice. In your writing, you can only misspell things to make your character sound like they're saying it differently if they're saying it verbally.. My blond hair was stained with bloodI don't think that blood can stain blonde hair, can it? If you're unsure, as I am, do some reasearch on it. Google is your best friend and my entire face and body were covered in cuts and scratches. Spots were already beginning to form bruises.

Then I had an idea. I ran out into my room and quickly pulled on a black turtle neck and a pair of jeans. As I slid on a pair of sneakers, I grabbed a bag and began shoving clothes, shoes, make up, toiletries, and sentimental things. I put my mother's neckalce around my neck and shoved all of my money in my wallet and in my back pocket.This sentance isn't specific enough. The way you phrased it makes it sound like you shoved your money into your wallet, took it out, then put it in your back pocket. I think what you really mean is your shoved your money in your wallet, then put your wallet in your back pocket. SO phrase it like that.

I ran over to the window and threw it openHow do you throw open a window? Try more of... Agressively slid it open.

I like where this is going Make sure to spell check before you post, so people don't have to correct you. It looks unprofessional, which I realize you're not a professional writer, but you should be pretending you are because you're posting online. You need ot be going more in depth with parts, and adding more emotion, which other people have said. Good job! I'm going to read Chapter 2