Better Than Revenge

Okay, i don't think this is one of my best but i thought it was nice to write so i decied to post.

Brooklyn
“Brooklyn could you please get up, we’re going to be late for the cinemas, the boys are going to beat us!” I had my head buried in the pillows, as I had for the last hour. It was before ten o’clock and no-one gets Kolbey-Rae Simmons up before 10 O’clock. Roxie knew that. I lifted my head about 10 centimetres of the pillow and saw Roxie coming at me with a jug of freezing cold water. The next thing I knew I was piss wet through and screaming at the top of my lungs. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and my other best friend Alice entered shouting “WHO THE HELL HAS JUST BEEN KILLED!” then she turned, saw me and collapsed laughing.
I spent the next hour getting ready for the cinemas, we were meeting the boys: Jack, Damon and Jared. I let my jet black hair, with the single blue streak in my fringe run wavy past my waist, shoved on a top and skinny’s and went into the flats living room. As we all appeared from the doorway, we linked arms and ran to the cinemas, just to beat the boys.

Roxie
We did beat the boys - hooray, all that running had been worth it!- so they couldn’t gloat at us, but I decided to tease Damon anyway.
“Well, no wonder you were late,” I said, skipping past. “It must have took you an hour to sculpt that perfect hair of yours.” Then I obviously fell on my arse for my trouble. I never really was any good in high heels.
We were watching the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie, and to our amazement, the screen room was empty! I mean there was just the six of us messing about (mostly screaming at the top of our lungs) and Alice and Kolbey singing sexy chick as loud as they could. There was also a little bit of provocative dancing going on, which the boys were enjoying immensely, of course, and I saw Damon staring at Brooke especially intensely…
After we came out of the screen me, Alice and Kolbey all went into the toilets, because girl rule number one states: never let a mate go to the loo on her own. While Kolbey was still in, Alice and I were waiting outside when I heard Alice go
“ Why is Damon giving Kolbey his mobile number - she has it.” Then “EWWWWW, why is Damon kissing Kolbey” my head quickly turned towards the direction Alice was looking “Alice that isn’t Kolbey, that’s Sydney…her twin...” we were gob smacked, it didn’t help our feelings much that we were all sure Kolbz had a crush on Damon for ages - this wasn’t going to end well…
. we got out the sleeping bags. we was half way through the night, I was reading and Alice and Kolbey were asleep after being slightly drunk. Kolbey and Damon were not on speaking terms, the row outside the cinema was a big one, and after it?
We were all on Kolbey’s side.
Sydney was a bitch. Period.
I remember in school they loathed each other, and since Sydney stole her first boyfriend it had got a lot worse.
What was worse though, Damon knew all this. Her and Damon were best friends sometimes we thought he knew more about her than me and Alice did, and we had known her since kindergarten. If you could find any boy who was perfect for Kolbz, it was Damon, And now, I have a bad feeling that everythings ruined.
The next day, Kolbey just lied on the couch, Damon came round and tried to explain, but then she just locked her self in the bedroom and refused to talk.
She seemed to perk up when she remembered that there was a wedding us and the boys were invited to a few days later. By one of or old school friends. But then got upset again because Damon was bringing Sydney.
Could that boy get any stupider?
I heard Kolbey stare in her sleep…. “Seriously Freddy….piss off!”
On the other hand could she get any stupider.



Jared

“Damon, You’re a prat” I said to his face.
He was though, so he was deeply in love with Kolbey, not Sydney.
“But, Kolbey don’t love me! Sydney’s the closest I can get!” He whined.
“Yea, and even if you actually want a chance…I suggest you dump her now!” I shouted back.
He didn’t say anything.
The poor girl was torn up inside, He was so stupid for doing this. I had asked Roxie to the wedding and Jack had asked Alice but Kolbey had nobody, and she was not going to be pleased when she sees Sydney with him.
Sydney was over that day, being her usual bitchy self…I felt like slapping her.
The things she was saying about the girls was horrible.
One good thing though…Even Damon seemed to be getting fed up of her.
On the day of the wedding, I spent round the girls flat.
Kolbey just sat on the couch, watching a movie it made me imagine the times when me and Jack would take the Mick out of them when they cuddled on the couch.
Then the girls took me and Jack aside.
“We need to tell you something” they said, I heard Alice mutter something about Kolbey killing them under her breath.
“You need to tell Damon Kolbey loves him”
Wow, Okay…One way of bringing him to his senses.
Later on I went home to get changed for the wedding, I saw Sydney piling makeup on her face.
We decided to tell him at the wedding…I got changed into a tux, near enough the same as Jack’s and Damons.
Jack, Damon, Kolbey, Roxie and I were performing at the wedding, I had a feeling that wasn’t going to go down well either….Because Kolbz and Damon always sung.
Together.
This wasn’t going well.

Damon

Why?
The thought kept going though my mind. I looked totally stupid in the tux, my black hair fell past my eyes. Kolbz always said I was a hotter Pete Wentz I always took it as a compliment since she had huge crush on him.
We entered the party, earlier than the girls. Sydney was clinging me onto me as usual.
Then Alice and Roxie entered, Alice wearing a flouncy white dress, and a floral headband in her pixie cropped hair, Roxie in a black dress, her dirty blonde hair in tight curls…Yea they were both hot, but Kolbey? She took it to a new level, she was beautiful.
Then she entered…my mouth dropped open, she wore a dark blue dress, that reached her knees the top was black sequins. Her hair fell wavy down past her shoulders and her eyes shined like the sea.
Then she saw me, and shot me a look…it made me feel guilty.
We was only due to perform later on, for the first dance, but when I saw Kolbey getting up on stage, electric guitar in hand it wasn’t just me staring.
She started singing….I knew the song. Better than revenge by Taylor swift.

“She took him faster than I could say sabotage”

“She's better known for the things that she does on the mattress”
“There is nothing I do better than revenge”

Just a few of the words, and I knew instantly what it was about…Sydney and me.
She finished the song, and looked me in the eyes trying to read me.
She stepped towards the microphone again
“And, yea I do love you”
Then I swore I saw tears fall down her face before she ran outside to the garden, I turned round to see Jared, Jack, Alice and Roxie staring at me with a look saying, well go after her!
I pushed Sydney away, and ran outside. Over to the bench were Kolbey was sitting, tears were pouring down her face.
I hugged her and she didn’t even pull away.
“I…thought…she…was…going…to…take…you…from…me”
She choked through tears, I started to cry to.
“I couldn’t let her, because…” I started. Could I say it?
“I love you” I finished.
She looked up at me, her makeup smudged, and tears still falling gently down her cheeks, but she was looking more beautiful than ever.
Then as if on cue…it started to rain, and Kolbey smiled. And stood up.
I knew what she wanted…I stood up and let her wrap her hands round my neck and we started to dance, we had done it so many times but this it was extra special.
I could see my four best friends stood at the doorway, smiles on there faces jacks arm wrapped around Alice and Jared’s around Roxie.
And then she kissed me.
It was amazing….and the pest part was I knew Sydney was watching us.

It was time to perform….I grabbed my base, Jared on drums, Jack on keyboard, Roxie and Kolbz on guitar. Kolbey started singing.
The couple had chosen always by Bon Jovi for there first dance.
Kolbz kept sneaking me looks and gave my a smile that melted my heart.
Then it was time to rock out.

“I’m in the business on misery….” Kolbey started to sing.

She jumped about the stage, and gave me kiss on cheek while doing so.

“I watched his wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you, just watch my wildest dreams come true, not one them involving…”

That part she looked directly at Sydney who was hiding at the back of the room.

And her last words?

“Sydney Simmons? You just got owned!”





Ill post links for the 3 songs::

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkUrSvMOvjY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQuWaegFz-w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHlc1-8nyDs

Hey there, Geronimo. I'm Firearris, and I'll be your reviewer today. ^^; Okay. This isn't too bad, but it can definitely be improved. Dialogue and formatting seems to be the main problems here.

Brooklyn

“Brooklyn, could you please get up? We’re going to be late for the cinemas and the boys are going to beat us!” {Okay, so there are a few things that can be fixed there. Just a note, usually it is best not to start a story with dialogue, but it isn't absolutely forbidden or anything. Anyways, a major problem here is punctuation. I added my punctuation in bold. Also, really, people have no idea what is going on, so it's kind of a slow and isn't a gripping start.} I had my head buried in the pillows, as I had for the last hour. It was before ten o’clock and no-one gets Kolbey-Rae Simmons up before 10 {Maybe type out the word 'ten', since that is what you did previously? Or possibly change the first one to the number itself, otherwise it seems a bit scattered if it constantly changes.} O’clock. Roxie knew that. I lifted my head about 10 centimetres of the pillow and saw Roxie coming at me with a jug of freezing cold water. The next thing I knew I was piss wet through and screaming at the top of my lungs. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and my other best friend Alice entered shouting “WHO THE HELL HAS JUST BEEN KILLED!” {Three things here. Firstly, try to avoid using all cap sentences like this. Second, when you have new dialogue like this, divide it from the main piece. Also, change it to a question mark, since you already stated it was shouting, and since it is a question.} then she turned, saw me and collapsed laughing.

I spent the next hour getting ready for the cinemas, we were meeting the boys: Jack, Damon and Jared. I let my jet black hair, with the single blue streak in my fringe run wavy past my waist, shoved on a top and skinny’s and went into the flats living room. As we all appeared from the doorway, we linked arms and ran to the cinemas, just to beat the boys.

So far this is seeming almost like a typical high school drama, and it isn't really a gripping beginning. As I said earlier, it isn't bad, but could have much improvement. Something I noticed later in the story, the characters don't seem to have their own character voices. As in, they all seem the same. They think and speak and act the exact same as the previous and the next character. Characterization can be difficult, but is vital to a story. I found a couple tutorials in the Knowledge Base that you should probably look at, since they would be of benefit for you and your stories, and especially for this one. I have placed a few links at the bottom of this review within a spoiler that you should check out.

Roxie
We did beat the boys - hooray, all that running had been worth it!- so they couldn’t gloat at us, but I decided to tease Damon anyway. {Couple of things here. For starters, you don't need the second dash, since you already have punctuation right before it. You also need to capitalize the 'S' in 'So' at the beginning of the second sentence. I'd personally add an 's' at the end of 'anyway' as well. And finally, I'd suggest adding an extra line in-between the description there and the dialogue below.}
“Well, no wonder you were late,” I said, skipping past. “It must have took you an hour to sculpt that perfect hair of yours.” Then I obviously fell on my arse for my trouble. I never really was any good in high heels. {How can someone 'obviously' fall? xD I think you should change the wording there, and also, maybe change 'arse' to 'butt' or even 'ass', since arse has incredibly bad flow. Also, it's a bit weird, cause your character falls, and then suddenly we jump ahead to the movie? Does anything happen in-between?}
We were watching the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie, and to our amazement, the screen room was empty! I mean there was just the six of us messing about (mostly screaming at the top of our lungs) and Alice and Kolbey singing sexy chick as loud as they could. There was also a little bit of provocative dancing going on, which the boys were enjoying immensely, of course, and I saw Damon staring at Brooke especially intensely… {So, Damon is checking Brooke out and then he goes off with Sydney? Interesting. Also, I think you don't really show enough of the scene here. Maybe have some more dialogue and such going on, and stop jumping scenes so quickly. It's like this. They were eating dinner. Now they are at the market. They are at the beach now. You have no idea what all really happens, and it all switches so quickly.}
After we came out of the screen me {Maybe add some punctuation after 'Screen', and change the 'me' to 'I'. See, how this works, lets take away Alice and Kolbey. What do you have? Me went into the toilets. But if it was 'I', then it would be I went into the toilets.}, Alice and Kolbey all went into the toilets, because girl rule number one states: never let a mate go to the loo on her own. While Kolbey was still in, Alice and I were waiting outside when I heard Alice go {Maybe change it to something like "I heard Alice speak."}
“ Why is Damon giving Kolbey his mobile number - she has it.” Then “EWWWWW, why is Damon kissing Kolbey” my head quickly turned towards the direction Alice was looking “Alice that isn’t Kolbey, that’s Sydney…her twin...” we were gob smacked, it didn’t help our feelings much that we were all sure Kolbz had a crush on Damon for ages - this wasn’t going to end well… {Woah....this is really confusing. The dialogue makes no sense and really needs to be split a bit here. You also need to correct your punctuation and for things like the "EWWWWW", try "Ew,".}
. we got out the sleeping bags. we was half way through the night, I was reading and Alice and Kolbey were asleep after being slightly drunk. Kolbey and Damon were not on speaking terms, the row outside the cinema was a big one, and after it? {Wait, what? What happened to the bathroom scene? Where are we now? This is so confusing.}
We were all on Kolbey’s side.
Sydney was a bitch. Period.
I remember in school they loathed each other, and since Sydney stole her first boyfriend it had got a lot worse.
What was worse though, Damon knew all this. Her and Damon were best friends sometimes we thought he knew more about her than me and Alice did, and we had known her since kindergarten. If you could find any boy who was perfect for Kolbz, it was Damon, And now, I have a bad feeling that everythings ruined. {This is kind of info-dumping. Also, the next scene is confusing, because you just went from your memories/information to present time...}
The next day, Kolbey just lied on the couch, Damon came round and tried to explain, but then she just locked her self in the bedroom and refused to talk.
She seemed to perk up when she remembered that there was a wedding us and the boys were invited to a few days later by one of or old school friends. But then got upset again because Damon was bringing Sydney.
Could that boy get any stupider?
I heard Kolbey stare in her sleep…. “Seriously Freddy….piss off!”
On the other hand, could she get any stupider?
{I made some changes in bold above. Also, what is with the sleep part there? It doesn't make a lot of sense. }

Okay, for this part above, I think the main problem is dialogue/formatting and how you continue to jump scenes so randomly. It makes very little sense and makes the entire story very scattered. As I mentioned before, the characterization needs improving. If you didn't post the character change, I'd still think this was Brooke.

Jared

“Damon, You’re a prat” I said to his face.
He was though, so he was deeply in love with Kolbey, not Sydney.
“But, Kolbey don’t love me! Sydney’s the closest I can get!” He whined.
“Yea, and even if you actually want a chance…I suggest you dump her now!” I shouted back.
He didn’t say anything. {I think this part would be better if you added more emotion. As in, add more description after the dialogue explaining the characters' reactions to each other more.}
The poor girl was torn up inside, He was so stupid for doing this. I had asked Roxie to the wedding and Jack had asked Alice but Kolbey had nobody, and she was not going to be pleased when she sees {Saw}Sydney with him.
Sydney was over that day, being her usual bitchy self…I felt like slapping her.
The things she was saying about the girls was horrible.
One good thing though…Even Damon seemed to be getting fed up of her. {Show us what Sydney is saying! Let us see how they are getting fed up with her. Don't just make a list of what happens, explain it! Let us see it all.}
On the day of the wedding, I spent round the girls flat.
Kolbey just sat on the couch, watching a movie it made me imagine the times when me and Jack would take the Mick out of them when they cuddled on the couch.
Then the girls took me and Jack aside.
“We need to tell you something” they said, I heard Alice mutter something about Kolbey killing them under her breath.
“You need to tell Damon Kolbey loves him”
Wow, Okay…One way of bringing him to his senses.
Later on I went home to get changed for the wedding, I saw Sydney piling makeup on her face. {There is a lot of scene jumping here. It gets confusing. Also, kind of random, the Sydney part, especially since you skip on ahead again to describe the tux.}
We decided to tell him at the wedding…I got changed into a tux, near enough the same as Jack’s and Damons.
Jack, Damon, Kolbey, Roxie and I were performing at the wedding, I had a feeling that wasn’t going to go down well either….Because Kolbz and Damon always sung.
Together.
This wasn’t going well.

Damon

Why?
The thought kept going though my mind. I looked totally stupid in the tux, my black hair fell past my eyes. Kolbz always said I was a hotter Pete Wentz I always took it as a compliment since she had huge crush on him.
We entered the party, earlier than the girls. Sydney was clinging me onto me as usual.
Then Alice and Roxie entered, Alice wearing a flouncy white dress, and a floral headband in her pixie cropped hair, Roxie in a black dress, her dirty blonde hair in tight curls…Yea they were both hot, but Kolbey? She took it to a new level, she was beautiful.
Then she entered…my mouth dropped open, she wore a dark blue dress, that reached her knees the top was black sequins. Her hair fell wavy down past her shoulders and her eyes shined like the sea.
Then she saw me, and shot me a look…it made me feel guilty.
We was only due to perform later on, for the first dance, but when I saw Kolbey getting up on stage, electric guitar in hand it wasn’t just me staring.
She started singing….I knew the song. Better than revenge by Taylor swift. {Capitalize the beginning of the words since it's a title, and also the 'S' in 'Swift'.}

“She took him faster than I could say sabotage”

“She's better known for the things that she does on the mattress”
“There is nothing I do better than revenge” {The dividing here is a little odd, if it's just her singing it...You could add punctuation and just have it in one area.}

Just a few of the words, and I knew instantly what it was about…Sydney and me.
She finished the song, and looked me in the eyes trying to read me.
She stepped towards the microphone again
“And, yea I do love you”
Then I swore I saw tears fall down her face before she ran outside to the garden, I turned round to see Jared, Jack, Alice and Roxie staring at me with a look saying, well go after her!
I pushed Sydney away, and ran outside. Over to the bench were Kolbey was sitting, tears were pouring down her face.
I hugged her and she didn’t even pull away.
“I…thought…she…was…going…to…take…you…from…me”
She choked through tears, I started to cry to.
“I couldn’t let her, because…” I started. Could I say it?
“I love you” I finished.
She looked up at me, her makeup smudged, and tears still falling gently down her cheeks, but she was looking more beautiful than ever.
Then as if on cue…it started to rain, and Kolbey smiled. And stood up. {So many ellipses! Try not to have too many. It isn't too bad of a scene, though the grammar could be improved.}
I knew what she wanted…I stood up and let her wrap her hands round my neck and we started to dance, we had done it so many times but this it was extra special.
I could see my four best friends stood at the doorway, smiles on there faces jacks arm wrapped around Alice and Jared’s around Roxie.
And then she kissed me.
It was amazing….and the pest part was I knew Sydney was watching us.

It was time to perform….I grabbed my base, Jared on drums, Jack on keyboard, Roxie and Kolbz on guitar. Kolbey started singing.
The couple had chosen always by Bon Jovi for there first dance.
Kolbz kept sneaking me looks and gave my a smile that melted my heart.
Then it was time to rock out.

“I’m in the business on misery….” Kolbey started to sing.

She jumped about the stage, and gave me kiss on cheek while doing so.

“I watched his wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you, just watch my wildest dreams come true, not one them involving…”

That part she looked directly at Sydney who was hiding at the back of the room.

And her last words?

“Sydney Simmons? You just got owned!” {I can understand her excitement, but would she really do that? This also seems kind of cliche. =/}

Alright, so, I suggest making the needed changes I listed, and possibly running this through a spelling and grammar check. As I mentioned earlier, I have added some links at the bottom within the spoiler for you to check out which can help with this story. For the story itself, I honestly think it's a somewhat cliche thing, especially with you putting the lyrics/concert in there. It sounds like the typical high school story where they are stealing each other's boyfriends, and, of course, the main characters prevail and get what they want, which typically isn't realistic. It isn't horribly, but things could be a bit better. Let me know if you need more help or if any of this didn't make enough sense. Good luck, and keep writing.

Spoiler

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic56598.html - Dialogue

topic53682.html - Characterization 1

topic53684.html - Characterization 2

topic53704.html - Characterization 3

Tell you the truth, I do not like this. Great Idea --but no plot. Have you ever thought of PLOT and MORE DESCRIPTION? You've got to do that. This is way too fast, and your story is truly lacking any catch. I'll show you more edits tomorrow.
PM me!
Nike

A little bit more descriptive and an evident plot to where the story is leading would be a very good draw in for me. I had mixed emotions on this one. It could be much better.

How did you get the nickname Brooklyn from "Kolbey-Rae Simmons?"
"I spent the next hour getting ready for the cinemas, we were meeting the boys: Jack, Damon and Jared." This should read
"I spend the next hour getting ready for the cinema; we were meeting the boys: Jack, Damon and Jared."
"I let my jet black hair, with the single blue streak in my fringe run wavy past my waist, shoved on a top and skinny’s and went into the flats living room. " I think this is too long. Can you break this up?
". we got out the sleeping bags. we was half way through the night" I think you misplaced a period here. This sentence should read "We got out the sleeping bags. We were halfway through the night..."
"Her and Damon were best friends" Damon and who? Who's her? Can you give us a name here?
"If you could find any boy who was perfect for Kolbz, it was Damon, And now, I have a bad feeling that everythings ruined. "
You typed this in a hurry, didn't you? This should be split up into two sentences and it should be everything's not everythings.
"The next day, Kolbey just lied on the couch, Damon came round and tried to explain, but then she just locked her self in the bedroom and refused to talk. " This should be "The next day, Kolbey just lied on the couch; Damon came round and tried to explain, but then she just locked herself in the bedroom and refused to talk."
Ok, there are a lot of grammatical mistakes in here. I'm too lazy to go through and point them out for you. I suggest you go through and fix them. Dude! I can't believe you tricked me in to reviewing your romantic short story! And I can't believe I didn't notice until now! 00( This has nothing to do with Doctor Who! Now, go give me the correct link!
~idraax

* Report this post
* Reply with quote

Re: Better Than Revenge

New postby Firearris on Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:32 pm
Hey there, Geronimo. I'm Firearris, and I'll be your reviewer today. ^^; Okay. This isn't too bad, but it can definitely be improved. Dialogue and formatting seems to be the main problems here.

Brooklyn

“Brooklyn, could you please get up? We’re going to be late for the cinemas and the boys are going to beat us!” {Okay, so there are a few things that can be fixed there. Just a note, usually it is best not to start a story with dialogue, but it isn't absolutely forbidden or anything. Anyways, a major problem here is punctuation. I added my punctuation in bold. Also, really, people have no idea what is going on, so it's kind of a slow and isn't a gripping start.} I had my head buried in the pillows, as I had for the last hour. It was before ten o’clock and no-one gets Kolbey-Rae Simmons up before 10 {Maybe type out the word 'ten', since that is what you did previously? Or possibly change the first one to the number itself, otherwise it seems a bit scattered if it constantly changes.} O’clock. Roxie knew that. I lifted my head about 10 centimetres of the pillow and saw Roxie coming at me with a jug of freezing cold water. The next thing I knew I was piss wet through and screaming at the top of my lungs. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and my other best friend Alice entered shouting “WHO THE HELL HAS JUST BEEN KILLED!” {Three things here. Firstly, try to avoid using all cap sentences like this. Second, when you have new dialogue like this, divide it from the main piece. Also, change it to a question mark, since you already stated it was shouting, and since it is a question.} then she turned, saw me and collapsed laughing.

I spent the next hour getting ready for the cinemas, we were meeting the boys: Jack, Damon and Jared. I let my jet black hair, with the single blue streak in my fringe run wavy past my waist, shoved on a top and skinny’s and went into the flats living room. As we all appeared from the doorway, we linked arms and ran to the cinemas, just to beat the boys.



So far this is seeming almost like a typical high school drama, and it isn't really a gripping beginning. As I said earlier, it isn't bad, but could have much improvement. Something I noticed later in the story, the characters don't seem to have their own character voices. As in, they all seem the same. They think and speak and act the exact same as the previous and the next character. Characterization can be difficult, but is vital to a story. I found a couple tutorials in the Knowledge Base that you should probably look at, since they would be of benefit for you and your stories, and especially for this one. I have placed a few links at the bottom of this review within a spoiler that you should check out.


Roxie
We did beat the boys - hooray, all that running had been worth it!- so they couldn’t gloat at us, but I decided to tease Damon anyway. {Couple of things here. For starters, you don't need the second dash, since you already have punctuation right before it. You also need to capitalize the 'S' in 'So' at the beginning of the second sentence. I'd personally add an 's' at the end of 'anyway' as well. And finally, I'd suggest adding an extra line in-between the description there and the dialogue below.}
“Well, no wonder you were late,” I said, skipping past. “It must have took you an hour to sculpt that perfect hair of yours.” Then I obviously fell on my arse for my trouble. I never really was any good in high heels. {How can someone 'obviously' fall? xD I think you should change the wording there, and also, maybe change 'arse' to 'butt' or even 'ass', since arse has incredibly bad flow. Also, it's a bit weird, cause your character falls, and then suddenly we jump ahead to the movie? Does anything happen in-between?}
We were watching the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie, and to our amazement, the screen room was empty! I mean there was just the six of us messing about (mostly screaming at the top of our lungs) and Alice and Kolbey singing sexy chick as loud as they could. There was also a little bit of provocative dancing going on, which the boys were enjoying immensely, of course, and I saw Damon staring at Brooke especially intensely… {So, Damon is checking Brooke out and then he goes off with Sydney? Interesting. Also, I think you don't really show enough of the scene here. Maybe have some more dialogue and such going on, and stop jumping scenes so quickly. It's like this. They were eating dinner. Now they are at the market. They are at the beach now. You have no idea what all really happens, and it all switches so quickly.}
After we came out of the screen me {Maybe add some punctuation after 'Screen', and change the 'me' to 'I'. See, how this works, lets take away Alice and Kolbey. What do you have? Me went into the toilets. But if it was 'I', then it would be I went into the toilets.}, Alice and Kolbey all went into the toilets, because girl rule number one states: never let a mate go to the loo on her own. While Kolbey was still in, Alice and I were waiting outside when I heard Alice go {Maybe change it to something like "I heard Alice speak."}
“ Why is Damon giving Kolbey his mobile number - she has it.” Then “EWWWWW, why is Damon kissing Kolbey” my head quickly turned towards the direction Alice was looking “Alice that isn’t Kolbey, that’s Sydney…her twin...” we were gob smacked, it didn’t help our feelings much that we were all sure Kolbz had a crush on Damon for ages - this wasn’t going to end well… {Woah....this is really confusing. The dialogue makes no sense and really needs to be split a bit here. You also need to correct your punctuation and for things like the "EWWWWW", try "Ew,".}
. we got out the sleeping bags. we was half way through the night, I was reading and Alice and Kolbey were asleep after being slightly drunk. Kolbey and Damon were not on speaking terms, the row outside the cinema was a big one, and after it? {Wait, what? What happened to the bathroom scene? Where are we now? This is so confusing.}
We were all on Kolbey’s side.
Sydney was a bitch. Period.
I remember in school they loathed each other, and since Sydney stole her first boyfriend it had got a lot worse.
What was worse though, Damon knew all this. Her and Damon were best friends sometimes we thought he knew more about her than me and Alice did, and we had known her since kindergarten. If you could find any boy who was perfect for Kolbz, it was Damon, And now, I have a bad feeling that everythings ruined. {This is kind of info-dumping. Also, the next scene is confusing, because you just went from your memories/information to present time...}
The next day, Kolbey just lied on the couch, Damon came round and tried to explain, but then she just locked her self in the bedroom and refused to talk.
She seemed to perk up when she remembered that there was a wedding us and the boys were invited to a few days later by one of or old school friends. But then got upset again because Damon was bringing Sydney.
Could that boy get any stupider?
I heard Kolbey stare in her sleep…. “Seriously Freddy….piss off!”
On the other hand, could she get any stupider?
{I made some changes in bold above. Also, what is with the sleep part there? It doesn't make a lot of sense. }



Okay, for this part above, I think the main problem is dialogue/formatting and how you continue to jump scenes so randomly. It makes very little sense and makes the entire story very scattered. As I mentioned before, the characterization needs improving. If you didn't post the character change, I'd still think this was Brooke.


Jared

“Damon, You’re a prat” I said to his face.
He was though, so he was deeply in love with Kolbey, not Sydney.
“But, Kolbey don’t love me! Sydney’s the closest I can get!” He whined.
“Yea, and even if you actually want a chance…I suggest you dump her now!” I shouted back.
He didn’t say anything. {I think this part would be better if you added more emotion. As in, add more description after the dialogue explaining the characters' reactions to each other more.}
The poor girl was torn up inside, He was so stupid for doing this. I had asked Roxie to the wedding and Jack had asked Alice but Kolbey had nobody, and she was not going to be pleased when she sees {Saw}Sydney with him.
Sydney was over that day, being her usual bitchy self…I felt like slapping her.
The things she was saying about the girls was horrible.
One good thing though…Even Damon seemed to be getting fed up of her. {Show us what Sydney is saying! Let us see how they are getting fed up with her. Don't just make a list of what happens, explain it! Let us see it all.}
On the day of the wedding, I spent round the girls flat.
Kolbey just sat on the couch, watching a movie it made me imagine the times when me and Jack would take the Mick out of them when they cuddled on the couch.
Then the girls took me and Jack aside.
“We need to tell you something” they said, I heard Alice mutter something about Kolbey killing them under her breath.
“You need to tell Damon Kolbey loves him”
Wow, Okay…One way of bringing him to his senses.
Later on I went home to get changed for the wedding, I saw Sydney piling makeup on her face. {There is a lot of scene jumping here. It gets confusing. Also, kind of random, the Sydney part, especially since you skip on ahead again to describe the tux.}
We decided to tell him at the wedding…I got changed into a tux, near enough the same as Jack’s and Damons.
Jack, Damon, Kolbey, Roxie and I were performing at the wedding, I had a feeling that wasn’t going to go down well either….Because Kolbz and Damon always sung.
Together.
This wasn’t going well.

Damon

Why?
The thought kept going though my mind. I looked totally stupid in the tux, my black hair fell past my eyes. Kolbz always said I was a hotter Pete Wentz I always took it as a compliment since she had huge crush on him.
We entered the party, earlier than the girls. Sydney was clinging me onto me as usual.
Then Alice and Roxie entered, Alice wearing a flouncy white dress, and a floral headband in her pixie cropped hair, Roxie in a black dress, her dirty blonde hair in tight curls…Yea they were both hot, but Kolbey? She took it to a new level, she was beautiful.
Then she entered…my mouth dropped open, she wore a dark blue dress, that reached her knees the top was black sequins. Her hair fell wavy down past her shoulders and her eyes shined like the sea.
Then she saw me, and shot me a look…it made me feel guilty.
We was only due to perform later on, for the first dance, but when I saw Kolbey getting up on stage, electric guitar in hand it wasn’t just me staring.
She started singing….I knew the song. Better than revenge by Taylor swift. {Capitalize the beginning of the words since it's a title, and also the 'S' in 'Swift'.}

“She took him faster than I could say sabotage”

“She's better known for the things that she does on the mattress”
“There is nothing I do better than revenge” {The dividing here is a little odd, if it's just her singing it...You could add punctuation and just have it in one area.}

Just a few of the words, and I knew instantly what it was about…Sydney and me.
She finished the song, and looked me in the eyes trying to read me.
She stepped towards the microphone again
“And, yea I do love you”
Then I swore I saw tears fall down her face before she ran outside to the garden, I turned round to see Jared, Jack, Alice and Roxie staring at me with a look saying, well go after her!
I pushed Sydney away, and ran outside. Over to the bench were Kolbey was sitting, tears were pouring down her face.
I hugged her and she didn’t even pull away.
“I…thought…she…was…going…to…take…you…from…me”
She choked through tears, I started to cry to.
“I couldn’t let her, because…” I started. Could I say it?
“I love you” I finished.
She looked up at me, her makeup smudged, and tears still falling gently down her cheeks, but she was looking more beautiful than ever.
Then as if on cue…it started to rain, and Kolbey smiled. And stood up. {So many ellipses! Try not to have too many. It isn't too bad of a scene, though the grammar could be improved.}
I knew what she wanted…I stood up and let her wrap her hands round my neck and we started to dance, we had done it so many times but this it was extra special.
I could see my four best friends stood at the doorway, smiles on there faces jacks arm wrapped around Alice and Jared’s around Roxie.
And then she kissed me.
It was amazing….and the pest part was I knew Sydney was watching us.

It was time to perform….I grabbed my base, Jared on drums, Jack on keyboard, Roxie and Kolbz on guitar. Kolbey started singing.
The couple had chosen always by Bon Jovi for there first dance.
Kolbz kept sneaking me looks and gave my a smile that melted my heart.
Then it was time to rock out.

“I’m in the business on misery….” Kolbey started to sing.

She jumped about the stage, and gave me kiss on cheek while doing so.

“I watched his wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you, just watch my wildest dreams come true, not one them involving…”

That part she looked directly at Sydney who was hiding at the back of the room.

And her last words?

“Sydney Simmons? You just got owned!” {I can understand her excitement, but would she really do that? This also seems kind of cliche. =/}



Alright, so, I suggest making the needed changes I listed, and possibly running this through a spelling and grammar check. As I mentioned earlier, I have added some links at the bottom within the spoiler for you to check out which can help with this story. For the story itself, I honestly think it's a somewhat cliche thing, especially with you putting the lyrics/concert in there. It sounds like the typical high school story where they are stealing each other's boyfriends, and, of course, the main characters prevail and get what they want, which typically isn't realistic. It isn't horribly, but things could be a bit better. Let me know if you need more help or if any of this didn't make enough sense. Good luck, and keep writing.


^ This