Little Bitty Moments

Darling, take my hand in yours,
Lace up your shoes, lace up our fingers,
And let’s dissolve into the starlight.
Let’s intertwine on the tips of words
That never did stumble off our tongues,
And let’s fall
....................fall
.........................fall
Apart into all the little bitty moments
That slip away before we catch them,
Before we even know they exist.
You’re a touch, a kiss
Of
......Zig-
Zag
......Lips
I’ll never get to hold in my arms
And memorize and theorize
About what you meant when you said that.
But darling, I would fracture into
A thousand little bitty moments
If I could hear your drumbeat voice
For just one moment longer.

Neat poem; I like the formatting quite a lot.
My one thing is "drumbeat voice" - I wouldn't think of a drumbeat as charming/beautiful/what have you. So, change that first and foremost. It's nice to see such a plain, cheery poem on here. =]

Keep writing!

This is a refreshingly original love poem. It's always an accomplishment to write something like this without falling into cliche, and you've done it perfectly. I particularly enjoyed the line: "Lace up your shoes, lace up our fingers". It's just a great way of describing. I'm also usually not a fan of shape formatting, but you've done it well and tastefully here. My only criticism is that, like ilyaeelz, I didn't find the "drumbeat voice" to be particularly romantic.
Really stellar work. Nice job.

I love it!

Aside from the originality of the structure, your words themselves held a refreshing genuine-ness to them. I love the personality in it, and the way your own style definitely shines through. I don't have anything to really critique- excellent job.

-Coral-

Splodie Pen! I love this poem.

I’m just going to say that first. It nearly made me cry (which could be a result of all of the guy issues I’ve had going on but yeah).

The structure is charming. The way you used the structure isn’t distracting but rather it enhances the reading experience of the poem.

And the use of words makes me crazy with trying to understand how you avoided every single sappy cliché that you usually run into when you read any sort of romantic poem. If I could give this three hundred ‘likes’ Pen, I would.

Hiya Pen,

It's been a long while since I've last been on YWS; so bear with me, as I'm a little rusty. Some things I should point out: upon first reading, I thought to myself, this is...quite lyrical! I absolutely did enjoy reading it out loud, hearing the words, the flow, the rhythm-- I thought you did swell on that aspect. The formatting is an added bonus. I'm a big fan of that sort of thing, although I wonder if you added the '...' as a personal choice, or for formatting's sake? Does YWS not let you indent/format anymore? Again, it's been a while for me.

That aside, what I got from this was a simple, cute, lyrical poem. A poem about longing and treasuring those "little bitty moments". I suppose one way you can improve is to expand on that theme. Throughout the poem there are only abstract emotions (nice imagery with the zig-zag lips, I do believe that is my favorite line), but not enough elaboration on these emotions. There is talk of treasuring these moments, but no explanation as to why we should treasure them. I would've liked to experience these memories that are alluded to in the title, after all, isn't that what poetry is all about? The expression of an experience? And if you're going to make the moments the title-- I would think that the center of the poem should be the moments themselves? But enough of that...

Let's move on to improving the actual poem at hand.

Let’s intertwine on the tips of words
That never did stumble off our tongues,

I'll admit I'm befuddled by this line. Perhaps re-wording is in order? Or perhaps I simply don't get it, which is probably the case xD I mean, it sounds "poetical" but isn't clarity just as important? I just don't know what you're trying to say here.

The next bit is flawless, as far as I can tell. Nice job!

Until we get to here:

I’ll never get to hold in my arms
And? memorize and theorize
About what you meant when you said that.

I actually like this bit here, but it is a tad confusing. The speaker here states that she will never get to hold him in his arms...and memorize and theorize about what he meant when he said that (but what is that? This is what I mean by elaboration. All we're getting are vague emotions; don't be afraid to be clear and direct!)

I would recommend that you change 'and' to 'or' and I think that'll resolve the clarity issues. So that it reads: "I'll never get to hold..../or memorize or theorize/ About what you meant..." It's grammatical, yes?

With all that being said, I must commend you on such a delightful read Thank you and I hope to hear more from you!

~ Audy

I love this. It's original, and a cool love poem. I like the format of it. It's really cool

Very good, liked the formating

I really really like that piece. It tells a story in and of it's self. I thought it was creative and thought provoking, and I liked it.

Hi there, I quite like your poem, and formatting, it really tells a good story, of love. I can relate to this and I enjoyed reading this.