Frost

I walk past the park where children laugh
and take my leave from the city street.
With my face and hands buried in my coat,
I can't help but wonder
how the years passed since I played in that park
and why so little happened in that time.

Love it; it's simple and soft, a gentle little musing that everyone can relate to. Very bare-bones imagery, but effective. I would consider playing with your punctuation a bit; the capitalization at the beginning of lines varies. I would define whether you are punctuating it somewhat bare-bones, are if you want to do it like a sentence. Also, try to decide whether you want to capitalize every line, or only the lines after a period.

Just some thoughts. Really nice piece though.

-Coral-

Oh my gosh. I love this. It's so lovely and deceptively simple. It reminds me of some poet, but I can't seem to remember who. It seems to paint a picture of the htings it describes, as well as making the emotions very poignant. Great work!

This was a wonderful poem. I can practically feel the same park tugging at the edges of my memory. There's also a decidedly lonely mood to the last line, and, odd though it is, that line endeared me to your poem more than almost anything else. You really ended it well. The only thing that I could suggest is to not worry about capitalizing the beginning of lines, as poems are really just glorified and broken up sentences that may rhyme or not if you choose, and to punctuate it as such. This is reallly one of my favorite poems.
-Ligea

Nightshade wrote:I walk past the park where children laugh
And take my leave from the city street,
my face and hands buried in my coat.

this sounds awkward.

On these cold days I can't help but wonder
How the years passed since I played in that park
and why so little happened in that time

The title is simple and fitting. The interesting thing about this was that it was so short, yet I had to read it three times. To understand what you were trying to say. We all have days like this. This makes a good topic for a poem. It is thoughtful and gentle

Hi I like this poem. I think that the simplicity of your writing made it worth reading. In addition to this the emotion is there and I can relate to it.

This is my favorite sentence:

... How the years passed since I played in that park
and why so little happened in that time ...

Good work

Wow, lovely poem. The simplicity and gentleness of it is superb. I'm not quite sure how the title relates but it's certainly a fantastic poem.

... my face and hands buried in my coat.
On these cold days I can't help but wonder
How the years passed since I played in that park
and why so little happened in that time

Defiantly something that I can relate to when I go past the park I used to play in.

Great work,
~Crim

Greetings Nightshade I shall be your reviewer and my name is LastPaladin what struck me about this poem was it seemed like a musing but much like a musing it seemed unfinished. It's subtle which I truly love. I shall look at this poem carefully and decide what I like and what I didn't. And be sure to offer you help to add in anything if necessary.

To begin, in your case I see an idea that must like a thought hasn't reached it full potential, you have a case where someone thinking about how fast it all went, but you sadly never quite reach that zenith of tragedy which make the last lien truly strong. I think you should add in aspiration of youth to this, subtly of course. It wouldn't work any other way. Like jobs you wished while playing in this park, girls you love, that sort of thing. Once these are strongly conveyed I feel this piece would be truly stronger and you'd had captured the loneliness many of us older people feel, once young full of life, thinking of what toy we want next. True innocence.

Overall: This piece has great potential, but you need to turn into more than a musing and more of piece reflecting true tragedy, it would work better in this case and many of us could relate, it's only a suggestion mind, but for the last line really to bite, it's my opinion this would work best.

Hope this helps.

This poem is short and simple but at the same time it is to the point. Imagery is well done and the stanzas are perfect for something that is this simple. Beautiful overall.

This poem makes me feel so old... yet, nieve
Like, I want everything back how things used to be.
It's sweet, and reminicent
I can picture how you feel in this little poem, and I always like that xxx

I really enjoyed reading this piece. I love the relativity of time gone passed, and I think you did a very nice job in the execution.

I love how simple, short, and straight to the point this is. Yet it brings out such a powerful message. It makes me somewhat nostalgic. And I think that's good in a poem. Because when a poem can bring out such powerful feelings in the reader, then it must be a good poem! The writing is sweet and simple. I really loved this.

I absolutely love this piece. It's so simple, I was surprised by the power of it after I finished reading. I'm guessing you've edited it since Coral commented, because in all honesty I didn't find this to be bare-bones at all. It's well-polished and very well-written. Great work.

Shoot me, I'm necro-reviewing this I guess.

Nightshade wrote:I walk past the park where children laugh
and take my leave from the city street.

Deceptive style at first, in that it seems very well written, but you use cliche terms and obvious verbs where you could experiment. The first two lines are simply not interesting when you reread them. You're dwelling on regret and reminiscence, this is an elegiac poem, and that's a not so stylistically hard poem to write as it is technically demanding. Clearly the speaker must "take their leave" (mentioning the city street is not necessary due to poem length and lack of usage of the city scenery...another vice of short elegiac poems), as they can either stay or go.

So you might think "well harsh!" and I'm going to add something else. It's the length. It's both your saving grace and worst enemy. You need to deliver more than emotion, but imagery and wordplay that just tears us up and makes us cry if it's this short.

With my face and hands buried in my coat,
I can't help but wonder

Actually buried in the coat? Thinking inside the coat? What's the coat like? Is it strangling? Is it made of wool? Wouldn't the speaker be bothered by burying them self in the coat? I mean, I can't help but wonder about that line.

So again, you might think "you big ***" but stop for a moment. Think about each word choice. Think about the metaphorical, metaphysical, literal, and emotional complications behind your word choice. You have the right intention, but the execution is trying too hard to be something people can relate to and be simple...and it lacks depth to truly, truly make me miss my childhood.

how the years passed since I played in that park
and why so little happened in that time.

The feeling in here is the most genuine. I wonder if you wrote these two lines first, or had this sentiment in mind from the beginning. Again though, you're not being adventurous enough in your word choice. The actions you depict are obvious and what the reader can establish for them self, that's not your job. Your job is to make them, force them, urge them, whatever, to expand that experience and that feeling. (edit: time, that word choice might seem right, but I don't agree. That's probably the MOST obvious thing in this poem. This is where you can really just make people cry and don't bother to say the real kicker, put something else in which hints at it or instead, makes the passage all to clear. The journey, is an important thing to remember, more than the beginning and end.)

Take this for instance. It's reallllly syrupy, really romantic (as in that period), and totally Tchaikovsky. But picture two forbidden lovers in a time where admitting love would have gotten you killed. Listen to the stress and remorse there. His heart is practically bleeding onto the page, but honestly 2:20 in, I can see old silent films with crying faces and just depressing story-lines...the whole shebang.

Now Shade, you did a good job. : ) I hope you only push yourself harder and harder, and have progressed since you posted this. I'll review your work more often.

I simply stumbled across yhis poem as I was scrolling odwn the page and liked the title. Anyway what I am going to say has been said before. This poem has potential, but it has not yet reached it. Not even close. To me it seems as though this an unfinished thought, a fragment of what could be a great poem. The lines themselves do not flow well and this sees like a run-on sentence (I know it's poetry, but a good structure gives it better flow) in that the poem itself goes from one fragment to another.

I can't help but wonder
how the years passed since I played in that park
and why so little happened in that time.

This has two ideas which if properly explained would flow. I can see the idea of years passing since childhood and innocence and true happiness, but throwing in why so little happen in this makes no sense in regards to structure.

I think the main problem I saw with it was structure. You could have made this a short poem with better flow had there been a little more too it so my suggestion is to expand on this idea more and explore reasons wehy these thoughts have occured. Make the poem longer and expalin these ideas and then it will be great.