I'd Follow You Anywhere

This isn't that great, and I wrote it a while ago, but I hadn't posted anything in a while, and thought I could make it better.

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I'd told you I care
and I'd do what you want.
I said I would live with you,
and follow you anywhere.

I followed when you left,
and sold my house to travel with you.
I said I would be with you,
and follow you anywhere.

I said I would be there,
no matter what happened.
I'd follow you anywhere,
even to heaven.

this is a good poem and all, sorry if you were expecting mean criticism but I just don't like being mean. you are a true poet!

kingolions wrote:I'd told you I care
and I'd do what you want.
I said I would live with you, Well, this is a bit shakey. Reason being is that, if you live with someone, you care about them, I hope. And it's almost saying you'd do what they want. What this seems like to me is a retort to this girl / guy storming out and now you're saying this to them. But the problem with that is: These lines lack their power and true significance because there hasn't been any action to cause them and we cannot see why they are being said. It' like we started watching a movie a half hour into it, everyone is teary eyed except for us because we have no idea what is going on. Because we're starting at a different point.
and follow you anywhere. We know what it means to care about someone, following them, living with them and doing as they ask are all labors of love, but you don't need to mention these different things, because they are very similar, amost part of a whole, if you will.

I followed when you left,
and sold my house to travel with you. You can follow someone and at the same time sell your house to travel with them? You either: A, don't need both of these lines. Or B, one line is a metaphorical one and this would need to be pointed out a little bit more, perhaps with a simile or a metaphor that can make it more apperent as to how we're supposed to think about this. But if it's not a metaphorical line, I would suggest removing the first line of this stanza, it gives us less of an idea to how you're working with this situation, where as mentioning selling your house, gives us a bit more, not a lot, but it's something.
I said I would be with you,
and follow you anywhere. This stanza is just one big repetition, eh? The problem with that is that it can get boring or annoying. It's like someone saying "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?". If this stanza is ment to focus on how you will follow this person, give us some examples, like where would you follow them? What significant things can you mention to help us see what you're saying?

I said I would be there,
no matter what happened.
I'd follow you anywhere,
even to heaven.[b] Well, that's what I ment by give us an example, haha. And the repetition still isn't flying to well with me.

Over all: I think you need some more imagery / examples to help get your point across.

Also, you didn't really move from the I will follow you thing. That's not good, it makes your poem boring. You need to move from one idea to the next and result with that final conclusion that will leave us saying, you'd follow him/her anywhere, even to heaven.
Writing a poem can be like writing an essay or teaching a lesson in a class. You need to give examples and a fluid chain of thought. Everything you say has to help us get to your main idea or lesson, all of your details and ideas need to support one another, and what you have here is one idea repeated over and over; there's nothing to follow.

Next time you write a poem, try mapping it out first, getting your ideas and basic descriptions down first. And you can ask yourself, do these support my main idea(s)? If so, how / why? And the better you can answer these questions can help you decide the usefulness of your lines. And remember, whatever you use to answer this question must be in the poem or implied / suggested enough that it can be reached though our thought process.

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.

I thought this was a really good piece. It it's a little hard to see what your feeling, but this is your personal experience. I thought it was really good. It's one of those poems where its almost as if I'm watching everything your talking about unfold before me.

kingolions wrote:I'd told you I care
and I'd do what you want.
I said I would live with you,
and follow you anywhere.

I followed when you left,
and sold my house to travel with you.-I think you should change the wording here. I feel like you're kind of repetitive when you say 'with you' back to back. If you read it out loud, you can tell it just doesn't sound right.
I said I would be with you,
and follow you anywhere.

I said I would be there,
no matter what happened.
I'd follow you anywhere,
even to heaven.-in this part I feel like you should repeat something along the lines of what's highlighted in blue. If you repeated that line twice, it should be repeated at the end of the last stanza too.

I really did enjoy this poem. This was just some constructive criticism.

awwwwwwwww(: This is so sweet! Who is this about?