ded men

ded men


dis where da ruff begin,
dis where everybody sin.
up in here we live, love, kill,
see da bloody bodies lyin’ still,
hear da moans and groans and hollow laugh,
ain’t nothin’ worth shit be on our epitaph.
up in here we live for thrill,
whateva,
long as ain’t no chill,
whateva,
jointlineneedlepill,
keep on livin’ up until
we lyin’ still.

dis is where da ruff begin,
ain’t nobody wanna come in.
up in here, we made uh tin,
ain’t got no heart.
got lots of red and blue running through,
brains, we got a few,
guts, got dem too.
but ain’t got no heart.
we smart, yea we smart,
ain’t nothin’ tear us apart.
but everythin' RIP us apart,
so we ain’t got no heart.

everything fuckin’ rip us apart,
ain’t no restart,
ain’t got no heart,
ain’t never gonna have no heart.

How do I even say this? I think you've captured the writing style of both Sapphire and Eminem in one piece? o.O
While what you have here is interesting and eloquent in a strange and frightening way, the grammar kills it for me, though I understand that it's poetic license and that you can do whatever you really want...and that bugs me.

Really, I just want to know one thing, and then perhaps I'll give you a grammar shred of this...

Was the spelling and grammar on purpose?

I think (and hope) so.

-Lumiface

PS: Don't take my being snide the wrong way--I actually like this. Keep writing and all that jazz.

Yes, the grammar was on purpose, don't worry. I originally started writing it in nice correct English, but it was just way too proper in contrast with the whole idea I was trying to convey. I felt like all the rough stuff needed rough grammar to coincide with it, otherwise it wouldn't work. When lives are dark and hollow and violent, things like grammar don't even come up on the register, there's too much other crap to worry about. If the grammar clouds the sense of some things, well then that just works - sometimes things just don't make any kind of sense.

Anyways, if the grammar simply irritates you, don't worry, I'm not offended. I definitely can understand why you'd feel that way. But I'm not going to change it or anything :P

Eva! It's been far too long!
I love this piece! Your language (and maybe not word use so much as dialect and grammar) is very evocative...like Lumi mentioned, it paints a morose and frightening picture, the kind that so often gets stuffed under the rug. Unlike our friend Lumi, however, I think you conveyed your message flawlessly. Nothing should be changed, and the poetic license thing didn't bother me at all. What I really appreciated was that you didn't strain your rhyme scheme: nothing was rhymed just for the hell of it. You stuffed every line full with meaning, I loved that.
Great job!
~Sam

this is very good but some may not understand u cause u do not use full words but otherwise i really like it

I'm a loss of what to say about this, you certain capture the rawness and emotion of what you convey, but my opinion is you can capture rawness in poetry without resorting to such crudities, I always go for raw passion within my own pieces but this feels like it be better as a rap than a poem, it got something, but it's not my flavour, I'm unsure what to think, and would like to see more of ya poetry before I decide what I think of this.

As of now I'm left being confused.

*shrugs*

Lol! Sorry to laugh. You really took a chance here. This can be interpreted in many different ways. That's one of the things I like about it. Way to go outside the lines.