Freya's Replacement (Episode 1)

This is the pilot of a TV show I'm working on about Norse Mythology. Let me know what you think.
Please, please, PLEASE feel free to rip it to shreds! There is no such thing as too much feedback!

I've made a short TRAILER for the show. It's not exactly professional quality, but it should give you an idea of what I'm going for visually.

I would really love some honest reviews on this, but please don't bother if you're going to write "I liked it. It was good." or "It was horrible, but I'm not going to tell you why I think so."

ALSO: Just to clarify - the script is written in 60 minute single camera format, and in BBC style (no ad breaks).

PART 2

PART 3

PART 4

PART 5

PART 7

PART 8

Spoiler

EXT. A STREET IN STOCKHOLM, WINTER. DAY


It's 1950.

A RAVEN pecks at the sidewalk of an old Stockholm cobblestone street.

GWENDOLYN sweeps past it, her nose in a book, smartly dressed on her way home from work. A sign above the building that she has come from says "Stockholm Public Library". Gwendolyn is 23, blonde. Her eyes are too far apart and therefore slightly ethereal.

She walks into a streetlamp, looks up from her book, repositions herself and keeps reading. She passes out of view.

The RAVEN is joined by another. They watch after Gwendolyn for a moment, then take off into the white sky.

CUT TO:

EXT. SWEDEN, WINTER. DAY.

From above:

Two RAVENS fly over the city of STOCKHOLM, and into the countryside. They fly over the snowy dark woods, and suddenly veer up, up. We see:

CUT TO:

EXT. ASGARD. DUSK.

A village shrouded in a whorl of clouds. Gated mansions surrounding an enormous tree; gnarled and majestic, enclosing the whole city. The land is dusted with snow and surrounded by a high sandstone wall. Above the city is a swirling mass of faded purples and blues, dotted with stars.

The ravens fly towards it, and disappear into the clouds.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRAND HALL OF THE AESIR. DAY.

The RAVENS fly down white marble corridors. The camera follows them, tilting and swerving.

Suddenly - one of them is grabbed from view!

Camera on LOKI; clever, ageless, wolfish grin. He grips the raven tightly.

LOKI
Alright, bird; talk or die.
(He holds a knife)

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRAND HALL OF THE AESIR. DAY.

LOKI releases the RAVEN. We follow it down the corridor.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRAND HALL OF THE AESIR. DAY.

The great hall - a vast marble chamber. The RAVEN soars inside the high peaked ceiling.

ODIN sits on a raised throne at the back of the hall. There are many empty seats around him. He is 40ish; long, dark hair, a beard, and an eye patch over one eye. Mysterious.

The other RAVEN is settled on a pedestal at his shoulder. The first raven settles on another, and they lean in, as if bowing. Odin smiles.

ODIN
Well, my friends?

CUT TO:

EXT. A STREET IN STOCKHOLM, WINTER. DAY.

GWENDOLYN walks down the street. There is a light, powdery snow on the ground. She sits on a bus stop bench, and glances across the road at the clock on a charming old church tower. It is 2:39.

She looks to one side, in time to see an OLD MAN come around the corner, carrying an enormous bag of soup cans. Gwendolyn smiles - he is right on schedule. The bus arrives, and she gets on it.

The sequence repeats a couple of times: Library, Bus Stop, Clock, Old Man, Bus. The first day she is late, so she speed-walks. The next it is snowing heavily. The third day she carries a lot of shopping bags.

CUT TO:

EXT. A STREET IN STOCKHOLM, WINTER. DAY.

GWENDOLYN leaves the library again.

This time, when she gets to the bus stop and checks the clock, there is no sign of the OLD MAN. She checks the clock again - it is definitely 2:39.

LOKI (OOV)
He's late today.

Gwendolyn turns around to see LOKI leaning against the bus stop pole. He is smiling unnervingly.

LOKI
Hello, Freya. I've been looking for you.

GWENDOLYN
Excuse me?

LOKI
Don't play dumb with me.

He approaches the bench, and reaches for her hand. She stands up, quickly.

GWENDOLYN
(Trying to remain polite)
I have no idea who "Freya" is, but I can assure you
that I'm not her.

There is a pause. MR BORSCHT comes around the corner.

LOKI
There he is at last.
(beat)
You really don't know me?

Gwendolyn is quite unsettled. There is something wrong about this man.

GWENDOLYN
I'm certain you're mistaking me for someone else.

LOKI
No. I've been waiting a very long time to see you again.

Gwendolyn is unsure of how to respond. She tries to avoid his gaze. After a long awkward silence, she looks up, hoping that he has left.

LOKI
I'll leave you to catch your bus then.

He smiles vaguely.

The bus arrives. Gwendolyn boards it hastily. She looks back through the window to see LOKI watching her departure.

It's best that you tell the character first instead of describing them during the scripts, you're not writing in story format right now.

EXT. A STREET IN STOCKHOLM, WINTER. DAY
It's 1950.

A RAVEN pecks at the sidewalk of an old Stockholm cobblestone street.

GWENDOLYN sweeps past it, smartly dressed on her way home from work. A sign above the building that she has come from says "Stockholm Public Library". Gwendolyn is 23, a librarian, blonde with eyes that are too far apart and therefore slightly ethereal. She passes out of view.

The RAVEN is joined by another. They watch after Gwendolyn for a moment, then take off into the white sky.

CUT TO:

EXT. STOCKHOLM, WINTER. DAY.

From above:

Two RAVENS fly over the city of STOCKHOLM, and into the wintery countryside. They fly over the snowy dark woods, and suddenly veer up, up. We see:

CUT TO:

EXT. ASGARD. DUSK.

A village shrouded in a whorl of clouds. Gated mansions surrounding an enormous tree; gnarled and majestic, enclosing the whole city. The land is dusted with snow and surrounded by a high sandstone wall. Above the city is a swirling mass of faded purples and blues, dotted with stars.

The ravens fly towards it, and disappear into the clouds.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRAND HALLS OF THE AESIR. DUSK.

The RAVENS fly down white marble corridors. The camera follows them, tilting and swerving.

Suddenly - one of them is grabbed from view!

Camera on LOKI, clever, wolfish grin. He looks in his thirties. He grips the bird tightly in one hand.

LOKI
Alright, bird. Talk or die.

(He holds a knife to the bird)

I find it weird where he just suddenly talks to the bird and then it "cuts off" xD
Though I would totally want to see someone threaten a bird.

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRAND HALLS OF THE AESIR. DAY.

LOKI releases the RAVEN. We follow it down the corridor. <--- Story format. ( The camera follow it down the corridor. )

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRAND HALL OF THE AESIR. DUSK

The great hall - a huge marble chamber. The RAVEN soars inside the high peaked ceiling.

ODIN sits on a raised throne with many other chairs around it at the back of the hall. He is around 40, with long hair, a beard, and an eye patch over one eye. Mysterious, head tilted to one side. The other RAVEN is already seated on a pedestal at his shoulder. The first raven settles on the other, and they lean their beaks closer to him. Odin smiles.

ODIN
Well, my friends? What news have you got for me today?


CUT TO:

EXT. A STREET IN STOCKHOLM. WINTER, DAY.

GWENDOLYN walks down an old residential street. There is snow on the ground. She sits on a 1950s bus stop bench, and glances across the street at the clock on the charming old church tower. It is 2:39.

She looks to one side, in time to see MR. BORSCHT, a small old man, come around the corner, carrying an enormous bag of soup cans. Gwendolyn smiles - he is right on schedule. The bus arrives, and she gets on it.

The sequence repeats a couple of times. Each time, Gwendolyn wears a new outfit, and is in a different mood. One day she is late, so she speed-walks. One day it is snowing heavily. ETC.

CUT TO:

EXT. A STREET IN STOCKHOLM, WINTER. DAY

GWENDOLYN leaves the library again.

This time, when she gets to the bus stop and checks the clock, there is no sign of MR. BORSCHT. She checks again - it is definitely 2:39.

LOKI (OOV)
He's late today.


Gwendolyn turns around to see LOKI leaning against the bus stop pole. He is smiling mischievously.

LOKI
Hello, Freya. I've been looking for you.

GWENDOLYN

Excuse me?

LOKI

Don't play dumb with me.


He approaches the bench, and reaches for her hand. She stands up, quickly.

GWENDOLYN
I don't know who this Freya is that you are looking for, but I can assure you that I am not her.


There is a pause. Loki watches Gwendolyn intently. MR BORSCHT comes around the corner.

LOKI
There he is.

(Beat. They watch him walk.)

You really don't know me then?


Gwendolyn is unnerved. There is something wrong about this man. LoL Something is wrong about him? Is this a thought?

GWENDOLYN
I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm sure you're mistaking me for someone else

LOKI

No. I've been waiting a very long time to see you again.


Gwendolyn is unsure of how to respond. She tries to avoid his gaze, but after a long awkward silence, eventually looks up.

LOKI
I'll leave you to catch your bus then.


He smiles vaguely.

The bus arrives. Gwendolyn boards it hastily, and looks back through the window to see LOKI watching her.

I'm a bit confuse on the plot right now but it does give an eerily mood to it. Though this does sound like a prologue to me but it was interesting. I would like to see this "Freya" who doesn't know Loki even though he said that he's been waiting a long time for her. I'll check out the next time you post and maybe check it out :]
I'm not good a nit picking but I'll only point out the obvious in formats.

First, I've never really read scripts before, so it looks a little strange to me. Why is the entire thing in a spoiler? Why is the word raven capitalized? I thought scripts only capitalized character names. Is raven the name of a character or is it an actual bird? What's the purpose of repeating the bus scene? We get it, she does this every day. The last part is interesting, but why was Loki waiting for someone else? He could have said something along the lines of "I've been waiting for you for a long time Freya" to freak Gwendolyn out. This is interesting so far. It's flowing nicely for a script. I understand why you didn't add too much description, but we readers don't have the pictures in front of us so some more description would be nice. A TV show huh? Can you put the link up here? Please! *makes a pleading face* I would really like to see it!

Hey there!

Characters/Plot

This is a very interesting concept, though I'm not quite sure what it all means yet. What I'm afraid of is how much you have done with this. It's all amazing, and I love it so much. But I'm guessing you need about four or five of these parts (if they're all the same size as 1 and 2) to make a half-an-hour episode. You've watched T.V. shows before, correct? Well in most of these TV shows, the pilot (the first episode) is very subtle. In it, the main plot of the show is usually addressed, and possibly the main characters.

Take How I Met Your Mother, for example (I'm just using this because it's my favorite show). The show is all about how the main character, Ted, is trying to find a wife. In the first episode, it clearly states that Ted is tired of being single, and wants to settle down and have kids.

Boom, now you have plot.

Also in the first episode, all of his friends are introduced. The scene starts out with him seeing this beautiful girl Robin across a crowded room. Boom, one friend. Then there's Barney, who tries to convince him that he doesn't want to settle down, and that he should be single Ted because Barney needs Ted to be his wingman. Boom. Then there's Marshall and Lily, the couple of the group whose sweet and sincere relationship lightens the mood of the serious comedy.

I don't see either of these things here, but I see a whole lot.

The marriage part can be introduced later, and does not need to be mentioned now. The man, Noah, can be introduced, but it's not that important. What is important is that person that comes, calls her a different name, and confuses her. That is necessary because it is a very important part of your plot, it seems, because the name he calls her is in the title. Her going home and meeting her parents is unnecessary. I kind of like the part when we see the main on a throne and that creepy sounding guy with the bird. However I am going to point out something later in the review that will help you out more with that scene.

Quotes 'N' Comments

Well, my friends? What news have you got for me today?

Build up for something amazingly and then give me nothing? Check. Bore me by not giving me anything? Check. Want to change the channel? Check. So, how do we fix this? Make what he says interesting. You build up so much with weird things like the change of scenery and the threatening the bird, and then I'm bored again.
Also, the beginning part with the girl main character? Unnecessary. You should enter with the ravens thing, because it is so much more interesting. I feel like you added that part with the girl just because you think that your first scene has to have your main character in it. Not true, especially with this genre of script. I think it would be more interesting to open with the mystery, rather than a girl walking around in the snow.

Gwendolyn smiles - he is right on schedule.

Goodness. Alright, so we will not be able to read her mind. We will not know that she is smiling because he's right on schedule. I wish we were so smart that we could read expressions so deeply, but we will think she's smiling because she's crazy or something. You need to have her say something, ready for this? It's genius: "Right on time Mr. Borscht." Boom.

Don't play dumb with me.

Rude much? You see that because you are writing a script you have to covey their emotions towards each other through dialogue. You can't get inside either of their heads. To write scripts, you have to be a master at studying body language and actual language. You have to study how people react and say to/certain things. It seems as though they know each other, at least in a past life or in an alternate universe. If this is true, he needs to sound more like a friend. Saying this would only work if he says something like "Oh we used to joke" blah blah blah.

SOPHIE, 14, and self-centered enters, wearing a dress much too fancy for dinner.

Alright, so there's something I need to tell you about writing scripts: you are not the director. Once someone buys your script, you're done. They might call you in later to ask you things, or to make it longer or shorter, or keep on writing more scripts, or whatever. You do NOT decide what the people are wearing, how the camera moves, or typically the specifics of the scenery. Sure, it's alright to say that they are in a library, but you don't get to say that they are in a library with purple desks and green lamps. That is the director and the set designers job. Your job is to write the script: develop the characters and plot. If you want to do more, then you are going to have to be your own producer, costume/set designer and director.
The only reasons I'm mentioning this is that 1. because I hear that Hollywood doesn't like to read scripts/use scripts where the writer is too forward with the instructions, 2. because they won't follow what you say in the script anyways, so it makes no sense and 3. because you do it a lot in this.

So go back and read through it. Correct any unnecessary instructions you may have added. Correct any boring lines or useless scenes. And most of all, be sure that viewers have a good sense of your characters before the episode is over. At the moment, your main character seems like a Mary Sue (google what it is if you don't know it) and doesn't seem interesting one bit. There doesn't seem to be any flaws, and that's boring. We want to see characters who have things wrong with them.

So yeah, final notes:

Develop plot
Develop characters
Correct any unnecessary lines/scenes/instructions.

Keep writing,

Classy

Hey again!

So, sorry to be repetitive, but once again you still seem to be focusing all on plot. As as your plot is good - and totally weird and unrealistic - you still need time for your characters to grow.

You know what I sense? I sense that your main character is going to leave the world and go to the world that the Loki guy is from. I love stuff like that. However, it doesn't work unless we know the character. I have an idea of what you can do. I recently started reading the first Harry Potter book. What I really liked about it was how it gave room for the characters to grow, particularly how it gave time for Uncle Vernon to grow. Unless you didn't know, the third person narrator follows him through his daily routine. I think you could use this. Show us what your MC sees every day. Yes, you showed us her family life and the old man at the bus stop, however that's it. With TV shows, you can't just show bits and parts unless the bits you left out has to do with a big twist in your plot. It only takes thirty extra seconds to show us her day, doesn't it? Spare the time.

I think that's the only part I am confused about, other than when your MC sees the ravens, goes over to them, and suddenly said "Hello again" or something like that. Clear that up again. Say that she looked at Loki. If she is saying it to the birds, specify, because that is weird. It does display a sort of relationship she might have with ravens though... hmm...

Overall, this is very good, as far as plot goes. I really like your story, to make it perfect, add in some more lines or scenes to define the characters. Everything is coming on so fast. You have to remember: you know this character but we don't. I would like to see her and Noah's relationship before the proposal.

I can't wait to find out the mystery of this!

Classy

I.Nitpicks:

GWENDOLYN sweeps past it, smartly dressed, and on her way home from work.

Instead of using a comma, I suggest you use and. It fits well and makes it flow more smoothly.

Two RAVENS fly over the city of STOCKHOLM, and into the wintery countryside. They fly over the snowy dark woods, and suddenly veer up, up.

The comma and extra 'up' again aren't needed. They seem more like filler and though filler is good, it can sometimes be used wrong and feel like you're blabbering. (I do it all the time, do not worry. I think I've already done it through the space of this review)

Gated mansions surrounding an enormous tree;, gnarled and majestic, enclosing the whole city.

Semi-colon should be replaced with a comma. For you see, a semi-colon is only used to bring two seperate sentences together and make it one large sentence. It could work here but it struck me as weird, just saying. It's all up to you whether you keep it or not.

Camera on LOKI's, clever, wolfish grin. He grips the raven tightly in one hand.

Hmm you you're saying that clever, wolfish grin is Loki's. You must place a apostrophe and an 's' in front of Loki.


II. Plot/Arc:

I'd definitely watch this! Interesting, catchy and drawing, I would be its number one fan. I don't have any bad points. I agree and disagree with the first previous reviewer. You've developed the other two characters (Odin and Loki) well and I feel like I've known them forvere but I do have to agree on your main character. Place yourself in her shoes, if someone came up to you saying that you were someone else, you would'nt be cool about it. I personally would be freaking out.

For example:

"Hello, I've been waiting for you for a long time."

"GTFO, Buddy!!!"

Just those few things and you can make it seem a little more real. Do you know what I mean? Make her have a little freak out, make her be more hectic to get onto the bus and escape Loki. Other then that, I don't find anything else wrong with this. Which sucks because now it makes my review small.

III. Overall:

Great. Outstanding. Wonderful. Spectacular. As I've already mentioned, I would watch this. It's very interesting and I think I've already stated that like a million times. Keep going, as I find this has lots of potential.

Keep Writing,

Cassa de Review-ae.

All right it's time I delivered on this. Firstly, I'm completely unfamiliar with script format, so I'll be utterly useless for any conventions in that sense. With that said, here's my crit.

1 I like the opening scenes with the ravens in action; I thought perhaps you could do a little more with the ravens. I think captain.classy has some really good advice, so I may be bringing some of it in every once and a while. I agree that Odin's first line is terribly boring if that's all we get to see of him. There needs to be something more of an introduction to our Norse gods, especially for those who aren't quite so versed in the mythology.

Loki/Gwen convo: I was having a hard time with this conversation. It's packed full of unoriginal dialogue. For example, "I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm sure you're mistaking me for someone else." That line seemed like exactly what someone might write for a story, but that no one would ever say in real life. Also, I'm having a difficult time making any personal connection with Gwendolyn, which should in effect start right off the bat. If your viewer is not somehow connecting with your main character on a personal level in the very beginning, then why should they ever care about her at all? One step further, why care about the show at all then? Loki's dialogue is cryptic, which is good, but I think he could hint a little more at things that we don't know about yet. Drop a few intrigues that will make us want to know why there is a creepy man at all. One last note: dialogue is everything. If it seems unoriginal or boring, there is no reason to stick around.

2 Bessie's first line is lovely because it's so unexpected. I really think you need to add more of that sort of thing to your dialogue. (I also later enjoy the little girl pretending to be a frost giant, but I'll get to that later.)

My great-grandfather was quite a well-known scholar of mythology, you know.

Yawn. I know this line is meant to be boring, but the way you presented it is doubly boring. If Aunt Liane is truly wanting to defend the study of mythology, let her get excited about it. Have her enthusiastically announce to the table her great-grandfather's name (hopefully something ridiculous-sounding) and the "credible" school he attended (with an equally ridiculous-sounding name). Have the characters discuss this a little bit. Your dialogue isn't going far enough to characterize these people. They all feel as if they were dull stand-ins right now muttering lines about nothing. Which brings me to my next point. We have no plot so far! Right now I have a scene with crows, a bit of Norse gods, a creepy bus stalker scene and a family talking about studying myths and Mr. Andersen. If I were to see this on TV without any forewarning, I would think "What in the world is going on here?" I might even be likely to turn the channel. Give us something early on that will anchor us and let us know what we might expect later on.

I don't like potatoes.

Blech. Sorry, but I can imagine one of those fake laugh tracks after Sophie mutters this line.

Noah and Gwen's convo: At this point, I'm imagining this whole thing as a BBC production with the cast of a Jane Austen novel. Now I'm not sure that's what you intended considering it's set in present day (at least that was my understanding). Your dialogue needs to reflect the fact that actual people are talking. Noah's dialogue is completely unrealistic. Now, with that said, you might be able to turn this to your advantage. If your characters mention in the previous scene that Noah has the tendency to talk like a Victorian, then you can get away with it and even use it as a sort of character trait. However, you must have the other characters react to it somehow. If someone talked to me like that, I would certainly react in some way, not continue talking to them as if nothing were different. Also, what kind of ridiculous marriage proposal is that? If you want your women to not look like subservient fools, then Gwen needs to kind of be upset that Noah has one of the least romantic proposals. Now perhaps if you were to bring in Gwen's liking for books or mythology into his proposal, it would be a different story, more romantic, sweeter, and more original, which is something you should continually be striving for.

Oh, I will.

Lol, I just imagine he'll twist his mustache like some cartoon villain. Loki seems rather cookie-cutter right now. He's certainly not carrying the aura of the god of chaos. He needs to be developed more, and appear a lot more intelligent than this creepy old man that keeps following Gwen. And if he is meant to appear as a harmless old man in disguise at this point, don't have him talking to Gwen so soon in the storyline. Having him show up in random places where she is (such as here) will let us know he's not all he seems to be.

3It's probably a bad thing, but right now my favorite character in this screenplay is Bessie. Why? Because with what little we have seen of her, there is a great deal of characterization going on. All the other characters feel stale and undeserving of our attention. Bessie pretending to be a frost giant is a terrific scene because we are characterizing her (and the characters around her in the process) as well as keeping with the Norse mythological theme. However, everyone else in that scene seems to have nothing to say of any importance. It feels like we've just stuck this section in to move the plot along, which isn't a terrible thing; such scene are necessary every once and a while.

Noah and Gwen convo take two: Since we don't have much of a background on these two, this scene feels completely outrageous. Mixed in with Noah's proposal, I just have this feeling that their relationship isn't real, and by that I mean it's not something that would happen in real life. It's not something I can believe to be a real thing that could happen. There needs to be some other dynamic in this relationship. It's missing something, or perhaps a few things.

It's a play by an Englishman - Shaw?

I'm not sure Shaw would appreciate being called an Englishman. I'm pretty sure he was Irish.

If you do not have a legitimate purpose for being here,
then I suggest that you leave this property at once.

Again, people don't talk like this. The dialogue needs to be more realistic, or your viewers will certainly grow tired of your characters talking quickly.

Also, Loki's dialogue doesn't become a Norse god. He sounds like a petulant child who is boasting of his powers. Why should he? He is a god after all. And the fact that he openly states it isn't powerful, like it seems you intended. I think it actually detracts from his overall aura of power.

Well, there you have it, I've done my best to tear it apart. There were several lovely parts, and I do often try to comment on what's working well because that certainly helps you to write better also. Good luck with revision!

Hey there! Wow, I am so impressed by this. You are an amazing scripter. Other scripts that I have read don't even compare. I can feel things coming to life. I can see the characters. But, yet again, you need to slow down a bit. But don't worry, I'll help.

Also, I said I would review all of your new posts, however I don't have the time to do six tonight also, so I will only be doing four and five in this review.

Quotes 'N' Comments

Part 4

AUNT LIANE:
And would you believe this - his mentor was a colleague of my great-uncle Valborg! What are the chances?

Alrighty then. I can't figure out if she is speaking to Loki or Noah here. If it's Noah, then just ignore what I am going to say in the next few sentences. If it is Loki, how on earth would he know who her great uncle's colleague was? You need to explain this somehow. Things like these cannot be kept secret. Usually in writing authors do this, then later expand on the idea for the readers. For example, if you were to later question this statement, like having Gwen ask Loki, "How did you know my aunts great-uncle's colleague," and then you could introduce how Loki can contact other people's memories or something like that. So if you are planning on mentioning this again, do it quickly before people forget. I hope this made sense. lol

He stares at her without blinking.

I would like some more description about how she is feeling here. Is she intimidated? Nervous? Scared? Be sure not to describe what she looks like, but how she feels. You have been doing better at the technical parts of script writing, I have noticed. Keep at it! However we need a bit more detail here. I would like to feel the tension between these two. Also, be sure to let the readers of this know if the tension is playful or not. I don't think it is, so that means you can't have any cutesy jokes between the two. Keep it serious and we'll know the tension is serious.

LOKI
Don't scream. Bessie's room is the next window
over. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps.

I think "She looks too peaceful when she sleeps" is what you mean to say here. You say the part about Bessie's room being the next window over, so the next sentence is the explanation of that. It would be like "Don't scream because Bessie's room is the next window over, and she looks too peaceful whens he sleeps to wake her up." How you have it, the two sentences are independent and don't really make sense if you break it down.

GWENDOLYN
I am home.

Nuh uh. I don't like this. At all. Too wimpy, not a good ending. I'd like you to think long and hard about what you could say here instead. I remember watching TV shows and thinking "Oh that just wasn't dramatic enough" and this would be one of those moments. It makes her seem like a coward, like she isn't afraid of him, like she has given up. And though she has given up, I don't think she really has at heart. I think that she is still fighting, and while what you have her say here supports that theory, it just isn't... good enough! I don't know what else to say. Just try to come up with something more powerful, something that sounds like a threat. Something that sounds like a feeble attempt to put Loki back in his place.

Part 5

Loki shrugs.

So this makes it seem like Loki doesn't care about her. I'm not sure what you want their future relationship to be. It seems, when I read farther, that the two have some sexual tension between them, sort of like a love triangle between them too and that guy whose name starts with a B. I think he should show her a bit of compassion here. Possibly explain to her something about the world, or making a playful joke about the expression on her face. If there is meant to be no sexual tension between them, then you have a lot of work to do. If there is, you're perfect! Except for this part of course.

It is already darkened outside as LOKI strides confidently into the marble chamber.

I don't like the large gap. I would like a lot more time spent on the travel from the bridge to the hall that they enter in in the next scene. I would like to see more about what they talk about, and how the communicate with each other. What I was saying in my earlier reviews, about developing your characters? Well this could be the perfect time to do it. Since this is a script, you have to convey emotions through speech. Therefore the best say to convey emotions is a conversation between your two main characters. So get on it! I'd like to see at least a small scene about their travels.

Overall

As I said at the beginning, this just gets better and better. I am finding less and less things to mention. And they're basically all the same: developing your dialogue and characters. I think you have a pretty good grasp at the fact that you cannot get inside your characters heads, but sometimes you forget it. Just remember to be sure that everything you want your characters to be feeling, and how you want your readers to react, is being addressed when you write.

I think the part with the family in the beginning was perfect. I like how you left room for the director to decide how he wants to family to react and party to the engagement announcement. I like how you put in the tension between Loki and Gwen in there. It was a nice little touch to make it all more realistic. I don't know how I would react in that situation, and you handled that perfectly by making it so Gwen had no choice but to go along with it, because Loki made friends with their family so perfectly.

I also liked how you did the scene when they are in the hall in the other world. I like how she kind of hides behind Loki. That's realistic because she was with him longest, and he is the only one that she can hide behind. If she didn't hide, then her character would be very... unrealistic might be a bit to harsh, but on the way there. Sort of Mary-Sue like. If she stood up to all of them, it would contradict what has already been established: that she has fear.

I think you have done everything realistically! I think that this is a very good piece of writing, and I cannot wait to read more.

Keep writing,

Classy

I'm finally here!

I greatly apologise for taking so long to get to this. I've just been seriously busy the last few days. I'm going to warn you in advance, Nepthys, that I know literally nothing about scripts. Because of that, I don't really think I'm going to be a lot of help. Bear in mind that this will be an opinionated critique, not technical, because I don't know what's technically right and wrong in scripts. Well, except for the obvious things.

Overall, I actually really love this, I honestly do. Whether it's because of my naivety towards scripts, or whether this is genuinely great, I don't know. I reckon it's the second one though. From what I can tell, this is an original and very interesting screenplay. I'm liking your plot, and I think that this would work brilliantly as a TV show. I'm fond of your characters, which surprised me actually because from the few scripts I've read, I've never really felt much for the characters. Basically, I like a lot!

The only thing I can think of to critique you about isn't something I'm sure about due to my lack of knowledge on scripts. It's just that some parts of this feel a little unnecessary. Now, I don't know how much detail you have to put into things like this, but it was just that at times, I wasn't sure if parts were relevant. There were no huge parts that I felt weren't important; it was mostly random sentences and instructions. It's kind of like you gave more details than were really needed now and then. I'm not going to go into many details on this because I'm not sure how these things work, but I would take it into consideration.

There is one more thing actually! Although I am warming to your characters now, it took me a bit of a while to really get into them. I still don't feel like I 100% know them. I do like them though. I just want to see you showing them off a little more.This is kind of what Classy said on one of her first reviews actually. It felt like, at the beginning, you were concentrating more on plot than anything else. The plot idea is brilliant, in my opinion, but you need to be careful at the beginning that you don't let it take over everything else, especially your characters because I do like them.

Sorry I haven't been much help, but I hope I've let you know that I love this! You're wonderfully talented, and you've managed to make me want to try and write a script now! Not that I probably will though because I have a feeling I'd suck pretty badly... This is a really great script, Nepthys. Is it actually going to be used as a pilot for that TV show, by the way? If it is, what's the name of the show? I'd love to check it out when it comes out. If you're allowed to tell me, that is!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins