Bracken

This is a poem I wrote because I was bored one day. So, yeah.

Bracken is so prickly
A stone is so smooth
There is only one
You have to choose

A needle is so sharp
A blanket is so soft
You can’t find me
You are so lost

Sandpaper hurts
A rose smells so sweet
We’re playing a game
And you’re getting beat

A cut stings
A snowflake falls
You look around
When I call

A scrape bleeds
A star shines
My whisper calls you
And you look behind

A frozen lake is thin
And the breeze is blowing
I walk away
And you don’t know were I am going

1-23-09
Rayne

I'm not sure I got the whole message of the poem...I mean, I just didn't get what you were trying to say here. It seemed just kind of like random things put together, and though it sounded nice, I just didn't get what you were talking about. Maybe I'm just a little too tired; all the same, I'd like to know what you're trying to say with this piece.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

The whole theme of this poem was a boy who can't make up his mind between two girls, and when he realizes she is the right girl for him, she doesn't want anything to do with him. Does that make sense? I hope that helps.....maybe?

Hey there, Rayneisthename! Once again, welcome to YWS! Tis WD here, as requested. Now, I don't review or write poetry much anymore, but I will do my best to help out with this. So... I read the poem. And then I read your explanation. And I definitely did not get that.

Rereading it, I think I can see where the story you explained is trying to breathe. Is this from the point of view of the girl he chooses? That's the conclusion I came to. So, why isn't this poem getting across the story you intended it to portray? First, I think this poem is so married to the rhyme scheme it feels unable to move beyond and really engage with the reader. Second, the narrative voice in this poem isn't well-developed yet. Third, the situation is not being laid out.

The rhyme scheme is simple and it flows pretty well (though it borders on being forced), but right now we need to focus on content rather than form, to get this poem breathing. The narrator--so, the development of a narrator is something you mostly hear in the prose world, but it still applies here. This poem is in first person, hence it has a narrator--a narrator is a character. A narrator is the filter through which I see the situation--the narrator is very important. So consider: from what stance is the narrator telling this story? What is the narrator's attitude toward the event? What is the voice of the narrator? How does the narrator think? Really plumb the depths of who this person is and dig up what's inside. Lastly, the situation. I did not get the situation with the two girls and the guy at all from this so far--because it's being very vague. It's using descriptions, but they aren't helping me to understand the details of what is happening.

So, don't be married to the rhyme scheme. Take some time to develop your narrator and let it flow. And try to express the situation. Remember--poetry deals heavily in images, so focus on the images of what is happening when you revise this. And read lots of poetry! Good writers read--it will help you a lot.

Anyways, hope this helped! Nice start! Keep writing! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

This. Poem. Is. Wonderful. Really. WONDERFUL!!!

So... Yeah. I love it.

Keep writing!!!
Alzora

Nice poem. I like it. Keep writing!

This poem is great! It's very discriptive! keep it up