Y.O.U

Laugh at me if you want to
Hide from me if you can
Let me sink into you
Like quick sand
Chase me if you believe
Stay here if you don’t
Say you’ll do something when you know you that you wont
Look me in the eyes
Try to hold back tears
Tell me you love me when hurt is your greatest fear
Lie to me if you dare
Seal your lips if you must
Keep all your secrets hidden and hand out your trust
Hold onto what you hate
Dream of what you wish
For whatever it is, it is much better than this
Silence your screams
End this pain
Take my name but, don’t take it in vain
Kiss your desires
Dismiss all your mistakes
Hide your true identity try to be fake
Make me breathe with sorrow
Make me love with fate
Make me undo all of my mistakes

Never trust me
Never try
Never love me
Silence my cry
Leave me alone
Leave me to break
Let me shiver
Let me shake
Deny me my life
Make it true
Because the only one you can trust is you.

Laugh at me if you want to
Hide from me if you can
Let me sink into you
Like quick sand This line is a little bit akward. Maybe try "As if like quick sand"
Chase me if you believe
Stay here if you don’t
Say you’ll do something when you know you that you wont It looks almost as if this should be two lines. If not, maybe break it up, or reword it some. It's a little long and throws the rhythm out of wack.
Look me in the eyes
Try to hold back tears
Tell me you love me when hurt is your greatest fear
Lie to me if you dare
Seal your lips if you must
Keep all your secrets hidden and hand out your trust
Hold onto what you hate
Dream of what you wish
For whatever it is, it is much better than this
Silence your screams
End this pain
Take my name but, don’t take it in vain
Kiss your desires
Dismiss all your mistakes
Hide your true identity try to be fake
Make me breathe with sorrow
Make me love with fate
Make me undo all of my mistakes

Never trust me
Never try
Never love me
Silence my cry I do get what you're saying here,but it still seems just a tad off. It seems like you're pushing this "other" away, yet you're wanting this "other" to also comfort you. Though I may be misinterpreting. If so, just dismiss this.
Leave me alone
Leave me to break
Let me shiver
Let me shake
Deny me my life
Make it true
Because the only one you can trust is you.

In your first stanza, I think it should probably be boken up into multiple smaller ones. At the beginning you start off with an a/b/c/b pattern and then suddenly switch to a/b/b. This would be just fine if you would just add some seperation.

In the second stanza, you can leave the style. I think the second stanza was well aliterated. I especially love how you kept up multple lines repeating the same beginning word. It gives the closing a little bit more emphasis in my opinion. Although I do question those last three lines. They just seem a little off place to me. Maybe on the last line you could break it in two, writing "Because the only one you can trust/Is you." It's just a possibility, putting the a/b/b pattern of those last three lines into a/b/c/b like the rest of the second stanza.

Altogether a great short poem! I think it's rather emotional and dark and has good style. There were only a few breaks in pattern or rhythm, but those can be easily fixed. I hope you keep writing poems and get better and better!

Zac (A.K.A. The Walkin' Dude)

I agree with what the last person said correction-wise, so I won't go over all that again; I'll just say, this is a good poem. I don't usually like the whole direct tone short stanza thing, because it has a tendency to feel angsty and empty. Yours, on the other hand, had a lot of inner strength, which I really respect.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver13

I like the last part because I have trust issues to and sometimes I feel like i'm the only person i can trust.

It was a great poem with a catchy rhyme scheme and a lot of rhythm, which was really easy for me to maintain in my head while i was reading. Great job:)

Hey there,
I really liked this poem, been reading a few and this is my top fav right now! Good job! The length of the poem was good, the imagery you gave and the train of thought allowed you to pull in the reader, "trust" is a hard thing to keep, I connected to the poem. Looking forward to see more of your work. =D

Where to begin, where to begin, I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer and this piece here is hard to review, it doesn't flow, doesn't seem to have any logical or cognitive sense for that matter, it seems to be series of ideas that never explored, basically you 'put one down, move on, put one down, move on' and on and on it gets tiresome very quickly, it seems more like lyrics, and that is the generic lyrics you expect from mainstream pop ballads, with all the skill in them of a three legged greyhound.

It's just got no major focus and what focus there is lumped with clichés and more clichés, it's more like a parody of pop song than a real poem, it doesn't feel like it's serious with lines like:

Say you’ll do something when you know you that you wont
Look me in the eyes
Try to hold back tears
Tell me you love me when hurt is your greatest fear

How many times have I heard the same message in countless other songs which may be bland but at least they sometimes have an entertaining tune, here it there is no tune so no way to escape. It's depressing how bad this is, it just like a pop star vomited all the clichés they ever known into a huge bucket and thrown it across the wall. It doesn't have a structure, flow or semblance of redeeming features. It isn't the worse I've seen today, but no where near the best.

Overall, it could do with much work, for instance make it lyrics, two add structure, three use imagination and four read some more poetry and you'll understand can't rush it.

Hope this helps.

I have to be honest here - I see no point in this poem. It's just a WALL of words, no stanzas, no flow, and no real focus I was originally going to do a color coded review, add punctuation, comment in places, et cetera, however I could not add punctuation to a poem that has no focus. There's nothing to tell me what lines go hand in hand or anything. It would be much better, not to mention easier to read, if you could add punctuation yourself and separate the stanzas.

Apologies if I was too harsh! I hope I helped.
~Annie

Hey rememberme!
This is a nice poem, but I have a few little things that I would change.
So pretty much, I would split it up into stanza's so as RazHuni it doesn't look like a wall of words. When it is a wall of words it makes the poem less inviting and makes the reader not want to read it! Also ADD PUNCTUATION! That is one of the things that poems absolutely need!

rememberme wrote:Laugh at me if you want to,
Hide from me if you can.
Let me sink into you,
Like quick sand.
So I just did one stanza, with adding punctuation for you.

Chase me if you believe
Stay here if you don’t
Say you’ll do something when you know you that you wont

Look me in the eyes
Try to hold back tears
Tell me you love me when hurt is your greatest fear Love this line.

Lie to me if you dare
Seal your lips if you must
Keep all your secrets hidden and hand out your trust

Hold onto what you hate
Dream of what you wish
For whatever it is, it is much better than this

Silence your screams
End this pain
Take my name but, don’t take it in vain

Kiss your desires
Dismiss all your mistakes
Hide your true identity try to be fake

Make me breathe with sorrow
Make me love with fate
Make me undo all of my mistakes

Never trust me
Never try
Never love me
Silence my cry Love this too!

Leave me alone
Leave me to break
Let me shiver
Let me shake Nice repetition of L's! It really makes it flow nicely!

Deny me my life
Make it true
Because the only one you can trust is you.

OverAll: This could be a truly amazing poem. The flow is great! The rhyming is PERFECT! And the idea is awesome! Just change a couple things here and there, and it will be magnifique! Keep on writing! Happy review day!

- KAH

rememberme wrote:Laugh at me if you want to
Hide from me if you can

hehe

Let me sink into you
Like quick sand
Chase me if you believe
Stay here if you don’t
Say you’ll do something when you know you that you wont
Look me in the eyes
Try to hold back tears
Tell me you love me when hurt is your greatest fear
Lie to me if you dare
Seal your lips if you must
Keep all your secrets hidden and hand out your trust[*]Love this line.
Hold onto what you hate
Dream of what you wish
For whatever it is, it is much better than this
Silence your screams
End this pain
Take my name but, don’t take it in vain
Kiss your desires
Dismiss all your mistakes
Hide your true identity try to be fake
Make me breathe with sorrow
Make me love with fate
Make me undo all of my mistakes

Never trust me
Never try
Never love me
Silence my cry
Leave me alone
Leave me to break
Let me shiver
Let me shake
Deny me my life
Make it true
Because the only one you can trust is you.

First off, the title drew me towards it. It's great! I enjoyed this poem and I felt inspired to trust in myself after reading it. I like message pieces. This one worked. hopefully I understood the overall message of it, but some lines weren't clear to me. like

Silence my cry

. Having that in the end seemed contradictory to the other lines. You're telling the audience not to trust you and leave you alone but then you say to Silence your cry, and that seems comforting,but I don't think it belongs.

rememberme wrote:Laugh at me if you want to
Hide from me if you can
Let me sink into you
Like quick sand
Chase me if you believe
Stay here if you don’t
Say you’ll do something when you know you that you wont Even tho this line is a bit long, I do think it fits the whole feel
Look me in the eyes
Try to hold back tears
Tell me you love me when hurt is your greatest fear
Lie to me if you dare
Seal your lips if you must
Keep all your secrets hidden and hand out your trust This paints a funny picture of him/her? handing out raffle tickets
Hold onto what you hate
Dream of what you wish
For whatever it is, it is much better than this
Silence your screams
End this pain
Take my name but, don’t take it in vain
Kiss your desires
Dismiss all your mistakes
Hide your true identity try to be fake
Make me breathe with sorrow
Make me love with fate Love with fate? hmmm...thinking....I got nothing
Make me undo all of my mistakes

Never trust me
Never try
Never love me
Silence my cry Maybe...make me cry?
Leave me alone
Leave me to break
Let me shiver
Let me shake Maybe "make me shake"?
Deny me my life
Make it true
Because the only one you can trust is you.

Love this line, kind of eerie!

I did enjoy this, however, I would of liked it to flow a little more as I found it hard to get into and get the feeling of.
The imagery was good, but could be stronger with a slight more detail added.
I relate to the feelings though and found this a nice piece of different poetry.