Lovely Nights: Unfinished Chapter 1

Ok so first i like it just remeber that. It seems like your rushing things when Kat wakes her up in the morning like your trying to get to something more important. Add some detail and dialog if you can. Now when you introduce Shaun don't talk about all his character traits at once it overwhelms the reader. Just a few in the beginning and then space it out through the conversation so your reader gets bit by bit as they go along and before you know it’s not all in one long paragraph.
Now what i like is that you seem to leave Josh as a mysterious character that we don’t know a lot about so that leaves your reader excited and waiting more. We really don’t know a lot about any of the characters except for Shaun and I also like that because you will talk about them later. I really liked the plot so please keep going with this story I really liked it hope I helped you.

Yes! Actually you did help alot! I've been revising this whole time and I was thinking that I was rushing things. Thank you very much! I will repost a new version maybe with more added to the chapter, hopefully finished! ^_^

Hi! I'm Nike! Good I've got some time to review this lovely piece.

Someone wrote:
Chapter 1: The dream

“Hello there.” said a voice that sounded sweet and gentle. “Oh, Hello” the girl said shyly hiding behind a tall tree whose branches seemed to never end. The boy slowly walked over to where she was, the snow crunching beneath his feet. He extended is arm and opened his hand and in his palm lay a flower, a flower as white as the snow around them. He looked her in the eye, his hair fell just above his neck and his bangs right above his blue eyes. He was beautiful. Her eyes meet his and she slowly began to reach for the flower in his hand, their palms touched; his skin was soft. A sudden gust of wind blew; she felt her body shiver and just before she could pull away he hugged her, it was the warmest yet saddest hug she ever felt. Snow began to fall, the tree’s cold, dead branches shaking above their heads, the sky dark, it was silent.

***

I love this description! This is my favorite part!!! The way you wrote it pulled me in. Start writing things just like this.

Someone wrote:“Wake up Alyssa May!” yelled Kat. Kat is an extremely happy girl who absolutely loves school and friends with all her heart. She’s beautiful with big hazel eyes and long blonde hair. Her family abandoned her when she was twelve. It doesn’t seem to bother her but we know it does. She’s been waking me up since A– class year. “It’s our first year being B- class students!” My eyes slowly opened; my big dark brown eyes met hers. “Good morning Kat.” I turned around and tried falling back asleep to try and continue the dream. “Wake up already Alyssa! You only have three hours to get ready for first class!” she yelled excitedly. It was five o’ clock in the morning and school started at eight o’ clock. I grunted, not wanting to get up. “I brought us breakfast!” She sang. I got up in a flash. “What did you get?” She pulled out two perfect looking omelets and the most delicious smelling hot chocolate with exactly 10 marshmallows in each cup. “YUMMY!” I exclaimed. I grabbed an omelet and stuffed my mouth full. “Wow you must have been hungry!” She laughed, taking a bite of her omelet. I took a sip of my hot chocolate and put it on a cup heater to keep it warm. “Yeah, I skipped dinner last night so I was starving!” She laughed once more “Well, I have to get to first class I’ll see you later!” “See you later Kat.” The door shut behind her I got off the bed and turned on my straightener, I waited for it to get hot while I put on my makeup. I straightened my long dark brown hair and put on my Cross Academy winter uniform. I slipped both arms into the thin, white, collared undershirt then buttoned up the dark blue sweater; I slipped into the short, grey Cross Academy skirt and pressed it down. To complete the female winter uniform we wore black pantyhose and black boots. As soon as I was finished getting ready it was 6 o’ clock. I grabbed my bag, coat and hot chocolate then headed out.

***

Okay, I respect how you described everything. But you may wanna turn it a smige down. When someone's talking seperate it frm the description.

Someone wrote:As I made my way to the through the halls I couldn’t help but think about my dream and what it meant. Whenever I dream of something it usually happens, it’s like some strange power I suppose. “Am I finally going to see him again?” I thought to myself. “I can’t believe I remember him so clearly, his eyes, his hair, his face, his lips…ugh, stop thinking about him Alyssa, he’s gone.” I looked in front of me and saw how long the hallway was to the main room. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling full of fancy chandeliers and beautiful floral designs with birds all around. I dazed off into space and a sudden flashback of Him and I came to me. “Josh” I whispered then all of a sudden I accidentally bumped into my best guy friend Shaun. Shaun is a kind, polite guy and a brown haired green eyed model. He has a surfer boy body and loves to read. He always knows how to make a girl feel special. He is never rude and has very good manners. Although, He lost is parents in a horrible fire. All he has left of them is a small photo of him, his father and his mother. He keeps the picture in his wallet, always with him. As soon as I bumped into him his book fell right out of his hands. He turned around, his shaggy hair flipped over his eyes. “Oh no, I’m so sorry Shaun!” “No, it’s alright I was just here in the middle of the hallway reading a book so it was my fault.” He picks the book up off the crimson red hallway carpet and puts the book safely in his bag. “Reading again I see I’m not surprised” I said playfully. He smiled. “Do you want to walk with me to breakfast and try to find everyone?” “Sure, why not.” I said with a smile. “After you Miss May.” He bowed and extended his arm telling me to go on first. “Thank you Shaun, you’re such a gentleman.” As soon as I past him he started to walk beside me. I was a little quiet and he seemed to notice how I’d daze off then catch myself and shake my head to get out of the day dream. “Alyssa, is there something wrong, you seem extremely bothered by something.” he said in a worried voice. “Oh no, I’m fine. It’s just I had another weird dream.” Shaun doesn’t know anything about Josh or how I’m in absolute love with him. Neither do my other friends, I’d like to keep it a secret for a while. “Ah, it’s probably because you keep skipping dinner.” We both laughed. “Hah, yeah, that’s it.” I smiled an awkward smile and he put his arm around me. I know Shaun has liked me since the first year I came. I’ve sort of liked him too but the love I have for Josh is so strong it pulls me back. Shaun is sweet so I let him get away with him putting his arm around me.

Here you've got the same problem. I do not know who is talking. Have to seperate the description from the dialouge! And you change tenses, that's a no-no. You should not do that! Stay in one tense through out the WHOLE story, you can only change tenses when you talk about the furture or past.!!!

Okay. that's it for now! I loved this! If you want help or something PM me.
Keep Writing!
Nike

Heya, Someone

I'm here to review your piece as requested. Like you asked, I'm going to fix all grammatical errors that I find. So yeah... I'll start your review already! I'll edit your piece to what the grammar should be like, including line and paragraph changes.

“Hello there,” said a voice that sounded sweet and gentle. “Oh, Hello,” the girl said shyly, hiding behind a tall tree whose branches seemed to never end.

The boy slowly walked over to where she was, the snow crunching beneath his feet. He extended his arm and opened his hand. In his palm lay a flower, a flower as white as the snow around them. He looked her in the eye as his hair fell just above his neck and his bangs right above his blue eyes. He was beautiful.

Her eyes meet his and she slowly began to reach for the flower in his hand. Their palms touched; his skin was soft. A sudden gust of wind blew; she felt her body shiver and just before she could pull away, he hugged her. It was the warmest yet saddest hug she had ever felt. Snow began to fall; the tree’s cold, dead branches shaking above their heads, the sky dark. It was silent.

***

“Wake up, Alyssa May!” yelled Kat.
Kat was an extremely happy girl who absolutely loved school and friends with all her heart. She was beautiful with big hazel eyes and long blonde hair. Her family abandoned her when she was twelve. It didn't seem to bother her, but we knew it did. She’d been waking me up since A– class year.

“It’s our first year of being B- class students!”
My eyes slowly opened; my big dark brown eyes met hers. “Good morning Kat.” I turned around and tried falling back asleep to try and continue the dream.
“Wake up already, Alyssa! You only have three hours to get ready for first class!” she yelled excitedly. It was five o’ clock in the morning and school started at eight o’ clock.
I grunted, not wanting to get up. “I brought us breakfast!” she sang.
I got up in a flash. “What did you get?”
She pulled out two perfect looking omelets and the most delicious smelling hot chocolate with exactly 10 marshmallows in each cup.
“YUMMY!” I exclaimed. I grabbed an omelet and stuffed the whole thing into my mouth full.
“Wow you must have been hungry!” she laughed, taking a bite out of her omelet.
I took a sip of my hot chocolate and put it on a cup heater to keep it warm.
“Yeah, I skipped dinner last night so I was starving!” She laughed once more. “Well, I have to get to first class, I’ll see you later!”
“See you later, Kat.”
The door shut behind her while I got off the bed and turned on my straightener.

I waited for it to get hot while I put on my makeup. I straightened my long dark brown hair and put on my Cross Academy winter uniform. I slipped both arms into the thin, white, collared undershirt, then buttoned up the dark blue sweater; I slipped into the short, grey Cross Academy skirt and pressed it down. To complete the female winter uniform we wore black pantyhose and black boots. As soon as I was finished getting ready it was 6 o’ clock. I grabbed my bag, coat, hot chocolate, and then headed out.

***

As I made my way to the through the halls I couldn’t help but think about my dream and what it meant. Whenever I dreamt of something, it usually happened. It was like some strange power, I supposed.
“Am I finally going to see him again?” I thought to myself. “I can’t believe I remember him so clearly. His eyes, his hair, his face, his lips… Ugh, stop thinking about him Alyssa, he’s gone.”
I looked in front of me and saw how long the hallway was to the main room. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling full of fancy chandeliers and beautiful floral designs with birds all around. I dazed off into space and a sudden flashback of Him and I came to me. “Josh,” I whispered, then all of a sudden, I accidentally bumped into my best guy friend, Shaun.

Shaun was a kind, polite guy, and a brown haired, green eyed model. He had a surfer boy body and loved to read. He always knew how to make a girl feel special. He was never rude and had very good manners. Although, he lost is parents in a horrible fire. All he had left of them wass a small photo of him, his father and his mother. He kept the picture in his wallet, always with him.

As soon as I bumped into him his book fell right out of his hands. He turned around, his shaggy hair flipped over his eyes. “Oh no, I’m so sorry Shaun!”
“No, it’s all right, I was just here in the middle of the hallway reading a book, so it was my fault.”
He picked the book up off the crimson red hallway carpet and puts it the book safely in his bag.
“Reading again, I see. I’m not surprised,” I said playfully.
He smiled. “Do you want to walk with me to breakfast and try to find everyone?”
“Sure, why not,” I said with a smile.
“After you Miss May.” He bowed and extended his arm telling me to go on first.
“Thank you Shaun, you’re such a gentleman.” As soon as I past him, he started to walk beside me.

I was a little quiet and he seemed to notice how I’d daze off then catch myself and shake my head to get out of the day dream.
“Alyssa, is there something wrong, you seem extremely bothered by something,” he said in a worried voice.
“Oh no, I’m fine. It’s just that I had another weird dream.”
Shaun didn't know anything about Josh or how I was in absolute love with him. Neither did my other friends; I’d like to keep it a secret for a while. “Ah, it’s probably because you keep skipping dinner.” We both laughed. “Hah, yeah, that’s it.” I smiled an awkward smile and he put his arm around me.
I know Shaun had liked me since the first year I came to the school. I’ve sort of liked him too, but the love I had for Josh is so strong it pulled me back. Shaun was sweet so I let him get away with him putting his arm around me.

Okay! As a whole, I can see this story with potential. Although I would have liked to have seen more of them. you had some nice descriptions here. I thought that you used description especially well in the beginning when you were describing the dream. I can't predict what's going to happen in this novel either as of yet, so that's always a good thing. One thing you want to make sure you don't do is make a piece of writing predictable and boring, so well done for not doing so. I have a little idea of what might happen, but I won't guess now.

You did have quite a few grammatical errors here, but any that you did have, I fixed for you. One of my main issues with this right now was that you told us everything about your main characters friends. In all honesty, we don't need to know all of that, not right now anyway. Don't tell us that Shaun's parents died in a fire and that he kept their picture in his wallet. During the space of the next few paragraphs, show us these things. For example, when your MC and Shaun are talking sometime, you can mention him bringing but his wallet, and then Alyssa can mention seeing the photo. Don't just tell us that Shaun is this, and Shaun is that, but show us. Do you understand what I mean?

Another little thing that I noticed was that your characters were pretty much perfect. Sure, Kat and Shaun have had hard pasts, but other than that, they're perfect. Besides, tragic pasts and beautiful people gets used a lot. Shaun is a model, to begin with, and you can't get much more perfect than that. According to his description, he's polite, nice, and overall lovely. The same goes for Kat. Give your characters flaws! That's what makes them interesting. Maybe Shaun can talk way too much sometimes, or maybe he gets jealous easily? Maybe Kat is too loud, or she has a tendency to lie. Be creative. Just make sure that your characters are balanced out with flaws/negatives as well as positive aspects to their personalities.

All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said. You've gotten some nice reviews here, and with their advice, you could make this piece really good. It's obvious that you have a clear idea in your head of what you want this story to be like, so you shouldn't struggle to progress it. What I suggest mainly is that you make your characters more distinctive, giving them flaws as well as positive things about their personalities. Clean up a bit on the grammatical stuff, maybe add in some more descriptions, and I'd also suggest maybe ending this part in a more interesting way. Mind you, you said that this isn't the whole thing, so I might not have read the proper ending.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey Someone, Pink here!
Welcome to YWS!
I won't do a line by line but I will point out a few things that I think you should address or work on.

“Hello there(,)” said a voice that sounded sweet and gentle. “Oh, Hello(,)” the girl said shyly(,) hiding behind a tall tree whose branches seemed to never end

Right off the bat, I know that you're having some trouble with correct dialogue punctuation.
This a nice topic we have on YWS that basically breaks down the whole dialogue thing.
Link: topic44898.html
Make sure your piece has decent punctuation before you post so that it's easier to read and we don't get distracted with little things and can give your a nicer review based on your story, not grammar.
All you need to do is study up, if you need help you can always refer to the grammar and research forum we have.
Link: forum151.html

A sudden gust of wind blew; she felt her body shiver and just before she could pull away he hugged her, it was the warmest yet saddest hug she ever felt. Snow began to fall, the tree’s cold, dead branches shaking above their heads, the sky dark, it was silent.

I like your writing but it seems to be lacking order and/or flow. You seem to be stating one action then the next but they're short and hard on the overall flow of the piece, making it slightly choppy.
Though, I did enjoy your descriptions. Pretty good!

Kat is an extremely happy girl who absolutely loves school and friends with all her heart. She’s beautiful with big hazel eyes and long blonde hair. Her family abandoned her when she was twelve. It doesn’t seem to bother her but we know it does. She’s been waking me up since A– class year.

Info-dump with non-important characters in the beginning is a bad idea. We need to learn more about your protagonist before you start shooting information regarding her friends and their life story.

My eyes slowly opened; my big dark brown eyes met hers.

Repetition of 'eyes'. Try not to repeat the same words, especially so close together.
Also, it's weird that she refers to herself with the big dark brown eyes.

“Wake up already Alyssa! You only have three hours to get ready for first class!” she yelled excitedly.

Make sure you start new lines every time a new character is speaking. Doing that will prevent confusion for the readers in regard to who's speaking when.

Whenever I dream of something it usually happens, it’s like some strange power I suppose.

If her dreams really mean something and she does have some sort of power, I would totally edit this out because it's a plot giver. However, if her dreams aren't some supernatural power or whatever, you can make this into a joke or something.


Okay, first your beginning was alright, slightly cliche with the whole magical love deal but it was fun to read because your descriptions are done quite well. Plot-wise I can definitely see some potential. Dream-lover, perhaps? it sounds interesting and you have my attention with that one. Your grammar needs some brushing up and you might need to go back and revise on comma placement rules and such but if you get the hang of it, it'll do your writing a lot of good. The more you learn, the better.

As for your characters, I find that you over explained them for the beginning of a novel. Tone it down, tell us some useful information such as how this certain character is involved with your protagonist. Is he a friend? An old classmate? Give us that little connection and then work on their history later when the appropriate time comes.

Overall, I think you did pretty well. Just break up these dialogues and create some readable space. Work on your grammar and punctuation and you'll have a nice polished piece to work with.
Hope I helped.

Cheers,
-Shear

Hey, Someone - great name, by the way.

You've got a little story on your hands, but do try and make it original. Make sure Allysa May doesn't get cliché, nor this mystery lover Josh, but I love Kat already - she's the sort of character I like to hear about in books.

A few tweaks needed, but I won't labour the point as so many people before me have raised them. The only thing that really bugged me was the last section - please start new lines for speech or I will go mental! XD Just remember commas and keep to one secure base tense - but you've got a good story here. I'm a sucker for romance - I'll be back to read more!

Keep writing!
-NeutronStar-

I feel rushed, the whole thing just seemed extremly rushed.
I like the idea behind the dream lovers, wouldn't it be nice to dream of the person your supposed to be with? Who would be your best pick? I really like that idea and i think it has a lot of potential. But I found it was just rushed, like we know about her dream, then she wakes up and she eats and I donno, How is she feeling? Is it the first day of school? Did she live there all summer? Were was she before?
So many unanswer questions.
Listen, it's good and I want you to write more..

hi someone sorry I didnt have time b4


Chapter 1: The dream

“Hello there,” said a voice that sounded sweet and gentle. “Oh, Hello,” the girl said shyly hiding behind a tall tree whose branches seemed to never end.

The boy slowly walked over to where she was, the snow crunching beneath his feet. He extended is arm and opened his hand. In his palm lay a flower, a flower as white as the snow around them. He looked her in the eye, his hair was just above his neck and his bangs right above his blue eyes. He was beautiful.
AWESOME!
Her eyes met his and she slowly began to reach for the flower in his hand, their palms touched; his skin was soft. A sudden gust of wind blew; she felt her body shiver and just before she could pull away he hugged her, it was the warmest yet saddest hug she had ever felt. Snow began to fall, the tree’s cold, dead branches shaking above their heads, the sky dark. It was silent.

***


I am Alyssa May but some just like to call me Alyssa. I came to Cross Academy last year, A-class year. I used to be very shy due to a tragedy that happened but I made a lot of new friends that are always there for me.
huh? this is vital info but it needs to be later in the story
“Wake up Alyssa May!” yelled Kat. Kat is one of my best friends; she was one of the first people who talked to me. She’s been waking me up every morning since A-class year.
Does she live with her? and what is a- class and b- class?
“It’s our first year of being B- class students!” She yelled with complete excitement. My eyes slowly opened; my dark brown eyes met hers. “Good morningmorning Kat.” I turned around and tried falling back asleep to try and continue the dream.

“Wake up already, Alyssa! You only have three hours to get ready for first class!” she yelled excitedly. I always thought Kat was a little too loud. I guess you can say that’s one of her flaws. At first sight you’d think she was perfect just by her appearance, it’s quite deceiving but people always seem to love her anyway. It was five o’ clock in the morning and school starts at eight o’ clock. She absolutely loved school with all her heart.
I grunted, not wanting to get up. “I brought us breakfast!” she sang.
I got up in a flash. “What did you get?”
that was a quick wakeup!
She pulled out two perfect looking omelets and the most delicious smelling hot chocolate with exactly 10 marshmallows in each cup.
“That looks so yummy!” I exclaimed. She smiled. I grabbed an omelet and stuffed the whole thing into my mouth. “Wow you must have been hungry!” she laughed, taking a bite out of her omelet. I took a sip of my hot chocolate and put it on a cup heater to keep it warm.

“Yeah, I skipped dinner last night so I was starving!” I said holding my stomach. She laughed once more.
this bolded part should be a thoughtnot speech
“Wow, we are B-class students already and you’ve grown up a lot. I remember when you were so shy Alyssa!” She pinched my cheeks and then pulled me into a tight hug. Kat is an extremely happy girl who loves her friends more than anything but she tends to smother them a lot, especially me.

I grabbed my hot chocolate and looked down stirring it around a little. “Yeah, but that’s the old me.” I picked up my head and gave her a big smile.

“I’m glad you came out of your little shell, you’re much more fun this way.” she said.

I looked at her with hard eyes.

“How about we have a hot chocolate chugging contest?” I said with a smirk. “Bring it on!” she yelled. We yanked the lids off of our metal cups and chugged away, hot chocolate ran down the sides of our mouths. I let out a loud gasp letting her know I finished first.

“Dang, you always beat me Alyssa!”

“I know!” I said in a high pitched voice.

She decided she was full and threw away her omelet. “Well that was fun; I’m going to head out and see who else I can bother.” she winked at me. “I’ll see you in a bit Alyssa May!” She gave me a quick friendly kiss on the cheek like she used to.

“See you later Kat.” The door shut behind her while I got off the bed and turned on my straightener, I waited for it to get hot while I put on my makeup; As I patted the powder on my face I remembered the dream again, I shook my head trying not to think of it and trying to focus more on what I was going to do for the first day of B-class year. I put on the rest of my makeup then straightened my long dark brown hair which fell past my breasts and put on my Cross Academy winter uniform. I slipped both arms into the thin, white, collared undershirt then buttoned up the dark blue sweater; I slipped into the short, grey Cross Academy skirt and pressed it down. To complete the female winter uniform we wore black pantyhose and black boots. As soon as I was finished getting ready it was 6 o’ clock. I grabbed my coat and bag then headed out.


***

personally I like to do a ~ instead of ** it makes it look more formal personally
As I made my way to the through the halls I couldn’t help but think about my dream and what it meant. Whenever I dream of something it usually happens, it’s like some strange power I suppose. “Am I finally going to see him again?” I thought to myself. “I can’t believe I remember him so clearly, his eyes, his hair, his face, his lips…ugh, stop thinking about him Alyssa, he’s gone.”

okay this is obviously a thought so you need to do something like: .... ugh, stop thinking about him or 'see the diffrence?' this can be confusing if not done properly

I looked in front of me and saw how long the hallway was to the main room. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling full of fancy chandeliers and beautiful floral designs with birds all around. I dazed off into space and a sudden flashback of Him and I came to me. “Josh” I whispered then all of a sudden I accidentally bumped into my best guy friend Shaun.
oh I get it! is it a boarding school?? LOL I figured it out! but ya need to state that in some place so we know

Shaun is a kind, polite guy and a brown haired green eyed model. He has a surfer boy body and loves to read. He always knows how to make a girl feel special. He is never rude and has very good manners. Although, He lost is parents in a horrible fire. All he has left of them is a small photo of him, his father and his mother. He keeps the picture in his wallet, always with him. As soon as I bumped into him his book fell right out of his hands. He turned around, his shaggy hair flipped over his eyes. “Oh no, I’m so sorry Shaun!” “No, it’s alright I was just here in the middle of the hallway reading a book so it was my fault.” He picks the book up off the crimson red hallway carpet and puts the book safely in his bag. “Reading again I see I’m not surprised” I said playfully. He smiled. “Do you want to walk with me to breakfast and try to find everyone?” “Sure, why not.” I said with a smile. “After you Miss May.” He bowed and extended his arm telling me to go on first. “Thank you Shaun, you’re such a gentleman.” i teased would be a good addition here As soon as I past him he started to walk beside me. I was a little quiet and he seemed to notice how I’d daze off then catch myself and shake my head to get out of the day dream. “Alyssa, is there something wrong, you seem extremely bothered by something.” he said in a worried voice. “Oh no, I’m fine. It’s just I had another weird dream.” Shaun doesn’t know anything about Josh or how I’m in absolute love with him. Neither do my other friends, I’d like to keep it a secret for a while. “Ah, it’s probably because you keep skipping dinner.” We both laughed. “Hah, yeah, that’s it.” I smiled an awkward smile and he put his arm around me. I know Shaun has liked me since the first year I came. I’ve sort of liked him too but the love I have for Josh is so strong it pulls me back. Shaun is sweet so I let him get away: with him putting his arm around me.

this is a very good start to a wonderful book keep it going and sorry for the wait