Touchable

You don't know it but you're white
You're white like me
You're tender, raw like me
You survived and you're surviving

Did you know you're cracked like glass
You have a hole, you're touchable
I can touch you
You don't feel it now but you will

You're a mass of dust with a soul inside
A breath of life in a shell
Your flame could go out
Your walls could crumble
We're the same

When the day comes we'll float like air
Our breath will blow away
I'll chase your soul like a shadow

I want to burn beside you
You're white like me
And I'll follow you forever

Hi first Hello.
Im sorry If i come on strong, I am just very blunt.
I think your poem is kind of a mess.
You were trying to show the love you had, but instead it kind of sounds like a letter instead of a poem.
Maybe you should try thinking alot before you write and then going over it a few times to make sure everything makes sense.
Thanks.
Lindsey<3

Hi, sorry can you please explain why a poem cannot sound like a letter? I don't find your review strong, and I like it that you get to the point, but my style of poetry really isn't 'ordinary'. I'm inspired by poets who don't write in the traditional way, ie the same amount of syllables in certain lines, rhymes. I like to use words out of context and not necessarily do things in the normal way. I am more interested in the prose or free style of poetry than anything particularly traditional, I'm not sure if that makes sense to you but it is my explanation of why the poem sounds like a letter.

I did actually write this to someone the way you would write a letter, it is just more free flowing than actual prose. Try reading the poem again now you know that it's not really supposed to be 'matchy' or traditional style. Also I would like it if you can explain what doesn't make sense - I'm interested in any comments on the actual style.

Ps. Alot is not a word

Hey PaperCrane
Nice poem here, it's really interresting. I love that it's different and, like you said, defies the rules of classic peotry. Below, I've put my suggestions in green.

PaperCrane wrote:

You don't know it, but you're white.
You're White, just like me.
You're tender, raw like me.
You've survived and you're yet still surviving.

Did you know you're cracked like glass?
You have a hole; you're touchable.
I can touch you,
You don't feel it now, but you will

You're a mass of dust with a soul inside,
A breath of life in a shell.
Your flame could go out,
Your walls could crumble.
We're the same.

When the day comes we'll float like air.
Our breath will blow away.
I'll chase your soul like a shadow.

I want to burn beside you.
You're white like me,
And I'll follow you forever

I've put punctuation since I've noticed you don't have any in there. It's not necessary to put them, it does make it a bit more rough but I feel like it makes me take my time a bit more; I want to rush through this less. The story is a bit blurry but I love it that way. I love the images you've painted in my mind
Great piece!
Keep it up!

-Truth-

Hey,

I disagree with Lindsey. I liked the mess and I understand where you're coming from when you talk about not writing in a traditional manner. I also find that what Truth said is also really good advice. I find that I don't really pay attention to punctuation but until I read Truth's post I hadn't thought about other readers. I understand where she's coming from and the punctuation helps. I'd include the punctuation.

I won’t put the punctuation in but I'm going to suggest a few little things like Truth did. They're just suggestions so don't feel like you have to change your piece. Some of them might be a bit different to what Truth said but I'm writing how I would like it, hence why it's just a suggestion.

You don't know it but you're white
You're white like me
You're tender, raw like me
You survived and you're keep surviving

Did you know you're cracked like glass
You have a hole, you're touchable
I can touch you I'm not sure about this line. I'm not sure what to do with it thought, either. Maybe look up some synonyms for Touchable and re-evaluate the line.
You don't feel it now but you will

You're a mass of dust with a soul inside
A breath of life in a shell
Your flame could go out
Your walls could crumble
We're the same

When the day comes we'll will float like air
Our breath will blow away
I'll chase your soul like a shadow

I want to burn beside you
You're white like me
And I'll follow you forever

I didn't find as much as I thought I would. I really enjoyed the last two stanzas. Good Work! Sorry I can't say more. there's nothing else that needs to be said though. =)

Thanks!

BeckFletch. xx

Hi Truth - I dig that punctuation! I don't really know much about how to use it in a poem, so that's cool advice for me, thanks. Also like your suggestions for the first verse, might use them when I do a second version!

To Beck - thanks as well, I'll have a look in my theasaurus for other words that could go with 'touch' or 'touchable' and see if I can squeeze any more in there. I don't really care if some people think it's a mess, if poems had to all belong to the same formula/pattern, I probably wouldn't bother writing any

"I'll chase your soul like a shadow"

"I want to burn beside you
You're white like me
And I'll follow you forever"
I love these lines, they are very detailed and beautiful. Once again this poem is mysterious, I have read a lot of mysterious poems lately and I'm loving it! I love the way you describe how you will follow this person and how you compare them to yourself. I love the way you write, and the way you seem to describe and compare everything in all your poetry, this is really good.

Thanks Rememberme! I'm doing my best here

I have to say, I think that the first 3 stanzas were better than the last bit. The first three were original. I got the feeling that you really felt that, and that you were using your own unique way to communicate it. The last few it just kinda seemed like... 'eh, I don't have to make it sound plausible'. But the first three were really truly honestly touching. So true its kinda strange to read them. It kinda feels like you have much too much experience with the cruelty of human nature, and are just putting yourself together after once again being torn apart by it. Please keep writing. I really like this; how honest you are with the world is very rare.