Opportunities

This is not a complete story, it is part of a longer story, but I still would really like any critique or comments as I am not sure what I think of this yet. The story is set quite a long time ago (hence why the manager finds it laughable that London could one day become a fashion capital), so if anything seems old-fashioned or weird, this may be why, any suggestions of things I can include to make this better would be fantastic. This is based on a real job interview I attended recently, where I told the interviewer I wanted the job because I was totally skint and could not pay the rent, it was a very sought-after job and well-paid, and I thought I had no chance. A week later I recieved a phone call asking when I could start work... Let me know what you think of this.

***

As if to make up for all the hardship I suffered in my childhood, my saving grace came early in my life. At first, I didn’t believe it, and after about a week of walking around my flat, scratching the back of my head and pinching my cheeks, I gave up trying to work out the impossibility of my being offered one of the most sought-after jobs in town, and telephoned the shop to tell them that I had decided to accept. The woman on the other end of the phone was bright, and cheerful. She welcomed me to the store warmly, and genuinely. It’s amazing what can happen, when you only tell people the ugly truth.
My moment of fortune, my golden opportunity came to me in the form of a green and black slip of paper, 6-by-6, in the corner of the front window of Bernstein’s department store. It advertised a vacancy for a temporary, full-time member of staff, to cover the Christmas season between November and January, in the ladieswear department. Few details were given, but the next day I returned to the shop, with a formal letter of application to hand in to the manager. I wore my smartest shoes, my smartest dress, and drank four cups of coffee to ensure my smartest brain.
At my interview I gave the manager a lipsticked smile, and answered his questions in a way that I hoped would make me appear to be normal. I shook his dry, warm hand, and took a seat in a leather swivel chair by the window overlooking the square.
“Miss Durillen,” He scanned my letter quickly, reminding himself of my bold claims,
“In your letter of application you state that you are an accomplished singer, and that you currently work from home as a dressmaker and tailor?” I bit my lip. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so honest, and written socializing and fashion, like all the other women? “Do you not think you would be better suited to a more… artistic role? Do you really think you would be right for this company?”
“I feel that creativity is very important in the workplace, especially in modern times where fashions are becoming more exiting, especially some of the new designs sold here at Bernstein’s, and that my artistic skills could be a real asset to your ladieswear department. I’m excellent at taking measurements, and I would also be able to help your customers put together outfits. My eye for detail is second-to-none and the window displays I could create, showing off the latest trends, would be sure to bring you even more custom this season.”
Mr. Bernstein sat back in his chair, and took a long look at me through his gold little spectacles. He scribbled some notes on the back of my letter, and set it back down on his desk,
“Miss Durillen, tell me five words you associate with this store, and reasons for each of these.”
“Quality,” I said, blurting out the first words that came into my head,
“Elegance, affordability, reputation, and London.”
“London?”
“My reason for quality is that the clothes I own from Bernstein’s have lasted me a long time, and the colours have never faded. Elegance speaks for itself; I have never seen an unattractive item of clothing in this store. Affordability, because although the prices are not cheap, most people who are not rich could easily save up and purchase an item of clothing, feeling that it would be a good investment. Reputation, of course this store has an excellent reputation,”
“And London, what sort of a description is London? Do you mean my shop is filled with smog and the stench of factories?” He laughs, thinking he’s made an excellent remark.
“I firmly believe that London will one day become one of the world’s fashion capitals, like Paris or Milan.”
The old man paused, poker-faced,
“And why did you choose to join my company?”
“I’m broke, Mr. Bernstein. I can’t pay the rent.”

I like it.
I can feel a sense of personality developing in the characters, the dialogue is realistic and the story itself is quirky.

My main critique would be I'd like a sense of the enviroment; smells, sounds, tastes, sights, setting.

However I wouldn't take anything out, and I think it could develop into a really interesting story.

Hello Paper.

I'll begin with the nitpicks, and then move on with my overall impression of the story.

My eye for detail is second-to-none and the window displays I could create, showing off the latest trends, would be sure to bring you even more customers this season.”

Did you mean costumers? I'm not sure...

The end is just perfect. I love how she's answering the questions almost to perfection, and then at the last question, she answers with something real. This is really good, and I love the way you write. Keep it up.

-Other One

Hi, London Calling. Thanks for your comment, I do know what you're getting at re there being a lack of sensory description, basically I'm trying to write a story set in the past, so I'm going to have to do a bit of research so i know exactly what I'm describing... better to leave it out at the moment than make mistakes, and come back to it later. If you've got any ideas then let me know

To The Other One - thanks for nitpicking, I do like nitpicking! I did actually mean to use the word custom, rather than customers (clients) or costumers (dressmakers). It's quite a common word if you're working in a shop, but possibly not outside of that... it literally means the business which customers bring to a shop, by regularly shopping there, if that makes any sense?

I love this little tidbit of story. I have to agree with londoncalling though: It could use a few more sensory details. Also, when you say this bit:

"My moment of fortune, [my golden opportunity came to me in the form of a green and black slip of paper], 6-by-6, in the corner of the front window of Bernstein’s department store."

You can do better than this. I know you can. The part is [] is too cliche for you. You can be much more original than that. Please do so. Those are the only little snags I can find in here.

I really love these stories. I've read enough of your work, I think, to assess that your writing definitely stands out. It is a wonderful mixture of description and dialoge. Your bits of exposition are never boring, and your writing is honestly a true pleasure to read. Keep it up!

Thank you so much! I also know I can do better than this. Descriptions aren't my strong point, I'm so desperate to get the story out, I tend to say it all in dialogue. That is basically a description of the staff advertisment I replied to which landed me my current job, and to be honest that's how it was, but then I could describe the town square, the shop window, what the character can see through the window that makes her decide to apply for the job... yeah I see where you're coming from. I'll expand on that.

Hey there, Flow here as requested. Ok, so I read what you posted before the story, and I think that as far as the setting goes you should put that into the story. When you read a story you want that information in it. It would be so easy to say something about London, and later say the date. This would easily give us the details we need in the story.
***

As if to make up for all the hardship I suffered in my childhood, my saving grace came early in my life. At first, I didn’t believe it, and after about a week of walking around my flat, scratching the back of my head and pinching my cheeks, I gave up trying to work out the impossibility of my being offered one of the most sought-after jobs in town, and telephoned the shop to tell them that I had decided to accept. The woman on the other end of the phone was bright, and cheerful. She welcomed me to the store warmly, and genuinely. It’s amazing what can happen, when you only tell people the ugly truth. This only made sense after reading what you wrote before the story. I had to read it through four times. I think you could write this to where it would be less confusing. Also you were walking around your what?

My moment of fortune, my golden opportunity came to me in the form of a green and black slip of paper, 6-by-6, in the corner of the front window of Bernstein’s department store. It advertised a vacancy for a temporary, full-time member of staff, to cover the Christmas season between November and January, in the ladieswear department. Few details were given, but the next day I returned to the shop, with a formal letter of application to hand in to the manager. I wore my smartest shoes, my smartest dress, and drank four cups of coffee to ensure my smartest brain.
At my interview I gave the manager a lipsticked smile, and answered his questions in a way that I hoped would make me appear to be normal. I shook his dry, warm hand, and took a seat in a leather swivel chair by the window overlooking the square. I love the details in this paragraph. They seem almost comical if you think about it. Aftr saying the smartest so much you know.
“Miss Durillen,” He scanned my letter quickly, reminding himself of my bold claims,
“In your letter of application you state that you are an accomplished singer, and that you currently work from home as a dressmaker and tailor?” I bit my lip. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so honest, and written socializing and fashion, like all the other women? “Do you not think you would be better suited to a more… artistic role? Do you really think you would be right for this company?” I like how you draw us in with the characters already.
“I feel that creativity is very important in the workplace, especially in modern times where fashions are becoming more exiting, especially some of the new designs sold here at Bernstein’s, and that my artistic skills could be a real asset to your ladieswear department. I’m excellent at taking measurements, and I would also be able to help your customers put together outfits. My eye for detail is second-to-none and the window displays I could create, showing off the latest trends, would be sure to bring you even more custom this season.”
Mr. Bernstein sat back in his chair, and took a long look at me through his gold little spectacles. He scribbled some notes on the back of my letter, and set it back down on his desk,
“Miss Durillen, tell me five words you associate with this store, and reasons for each of these.”
“Quality,” I said, blurting out the first words that came into my head,
“Elegance, affordability, reputation, and London.”
“London?”
“My reason for quality is that the clothes I own from Bernstein’s have lasted me a long time, and the colours Colors maybe? have never faded. Elegance speaks for itself; I have never seen an unattractive item of clothing in this store. Affordability, because although the prices are not cheap, most people who are not rich could easily save up and purchase an item of clothing, feeling that it would be a good investment. Reputation, of course this store has an excellent reputation,”
“And London, what sort of a description is London? Do you mean my shop is filled with smog and the stench of factories?” He laughs, thinking he’s made an excellent remark.
“I firmly believe that London will one day become one of the world’s fashion capitals, like Paris or Milan.”
The old man paused, poker-faced,
“And why did you choose to join my company?”
“I’m broke, Mr. Bernstein. I can’t pay the rent.”[/quote] Haha I love the end!

I really do like this. It is a very serious thing that you talk about, but it seems almost comical at times. I really like the connection to the characters, you gave it off very strong. Then you also moved the plot on. You didnt drag it like most people do. That dear is quite a talent. The only thing I saw wrong with it is the begining. I think that it could be so much stronger and a lot less confusing.

Sorry I am so late, and that I am not of much help, but I really loved it.

-Flow-

Hi Flow, thank you so much for you review, I'm amazed you spent so much time on it. Hugs to you!
Yes I agree the first paragraph could actually be somewhere in the middle, it would make more sense about 1/3 of the way in?
"I was walking around my flat" - this is English for apartment, we always call them flats. Also we spell a lot of things differently, so color is colour, realize is realise.
I'm glad you liked it, it's great to get feedback on this. I do think I should change the first paragraph around a bit, it was only a first draft. I want to put more of the setting into this as well. Eg. in my mind, both Mr Bernstein and the protagonist are smokers, and I know at that period it was ok to smoke in a shop or office. I feel I should also describe Mr Bernstein's face - I think he's balding and his ears are quite big! So I've got all the stuff in my head... got to expand on the story a bit now.
Haven't decided on the date yet! The story isn't set in London, it's set in a small town - the reference to London is meant to be kind of ironic, because in those days it was seen as a dirty, smoky place, and now it's one of the world's most fashionable cities. So readers now will be like, 'oh she was right London is a fashion capital'. That was my plan anyway!
=)