Salem [Chapter Two]

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If you haven't read chapter one turn around and go do it. Wait, join the Salem page and then go do it. But if you couldn't be bothered then just read the spoiler below and then go read chapter one and join my page. :D You guess what I'm hinting at? I just want to point this out now as it did come up in the first chapter. I wrote this is novel form - which means I didn't place spaces in and use your ordinary paragraph space/liner thing-o. So if sentences are in the wrong place it's not my fault!

Spoiler
You haven't missed much. Baylee and Jaidon were introduced - they're the main characters so learn their names! Another thing that happened was Sybil - Baylee's sister - was possessed at the procession of mourning for Mr. and Mrs. Maher (the school janitors). She said that there was danger and the return of the Blue Jay hero. If you didn't get any of what I just said - because neither can I - go back, I say, and read the first chapter!


Also, here is the link to my page. Three words: Join or die! No pressure! :D

The Salem Witches held the World’s Capitol in their hands, draining the power from its foundations.

Chapter Two:
Tales of the Blue Jay


“…At midnight last night, a horrendous murder has befouled the Industrial Parks of Gallagher.” The news reporter put his hand up to the ear piece lodged into the side of his head. “Reportedly, the two victims are Mr. and Mrs. Maher; St. Croix Catholic College’s janitors. The police forces have failed to find any clues which would lead to the unjust killer.” He paused, trying to create tension and it was working! I slid in closer to the T.V., biting anxiously into my lip. “Will this place a damper on things for the Harvest Festival? That’s the real question on everyone’s lips-”

The image on the TV shrunk into a small dot in the middle of the screen. I blinked at it uselessly. What the hell? Peering at the TV screen, I noticed someone was behind me in the black sheen. Mum coughed into the palm of her hand, crossing them again to make her frail and small stature more defiant.

“Mum? I w-was just getting s-started on those c-chores…” Jumping back as I tried to recoil myself, I lost my footing on one of the throw pillows Sybil insisted being in every room of the house and collapsed towards the ground. Groaning, I looked up to see Mum leaning over me. In her hand was the TV remote.

“I was watching that,” I ventured, hoping I wouldn’t feel the hard end of her slipper against my side. It wasn’t that my mother was a bad Mum. She had raised me and my sister all by herself since my Father had died. It’s just when Dad left, he had taken my Mother’s happiness with him.

“We heard all that stuff in church, anyway! You don’t need a second dosage of it.” Mum retorted. “And also, this Bruce guy doesn’t have a single clue about what he is talking about. ‘Will this place a damper on things?’ Someone died for Pete sakes’! That’s the real question: who did it? I wish they’d place Danyo back on, he at least had some compassion.”
I let my shoulders fall; knowing Mum was going to erupt into a lecture about how the old TV news reporter was far superior to the one they had now. “Yes, but it’s interesting!” I could practically feel Mum’s ‘no tolerance’ stares glaring into me.

“You haven’t done your chores, Baylee.” Clamping my eyes shut, I tried to block out her image. Maybe if I closed my eyes tight enough and dreamed I was somewhere else hard enough; I might disappear and end up in the mountains somewhere. Maybe to be attacked by a wolf…or a coyote, either way I wouldn’t have to damn chores!

“Get up, lazy bones. I need those tasks done today!” she nudged my arm with the toe of her slipper. “I have to go to town to find you and your sister something decent to wear to the festival, get that news article I’ve been working on for the pottery barn published and I have to buy you some new socks!” Looking through a lock of brown hair, I spotted what was left of my favourite stripy socks.

Grumbling loudly, I stumbled to an awkward stand. It was enough she making me wear a damn dress to the Harvest Festival, though to make me part with my favourite socks – there was just too much injustice I can take! The smell of blueberry muffins cooling on the window sill made my stomach gurgle. I wasn’t going to ask if I could have one, because I knew the answer, but that wasn’t going to stop me from trying to get my hands onto one of them.

“But Mum, I have to go to school! Why can’t Sybil do it? She gets the whole week off because she’s sick!” I blew the hardest raspberry I could make up the stairs. If Sybil could feel that then my day was complete. My sister let out a fake cough, her voice trailing around the room. I rolled my eyes, pouting my lips in annoyance.

“Don’t be so dramatic.” Mum picked up the pillow I had thrown to the ground and positioned it on the couch. Pushing me towards the door, she handed me a pail. “And anyway, something happened to your sister this morning and you know it. She shouldn’t be doing manual labour right after her traumatic seizure.”

I rolled my eyes, hoping that she didn’t see it. Mum believed anything that anyone said. Of course, Sybil had been out cold ever since we came home, though when she finally came to and Mum told her what had happened, she couldn’t remember any of it only immense pain. To me, that sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie.
“But I’ll get my uniform dirty!” I looked down at my white shirt, the words; St Croix Catholic College was spelt across the top.

“Can’t you remember school was cancelled?” Shoving me in the back; I staggered out the front door, jumping as it came to a defiant close. Grumbling I pulled on Mum’s gumboots. They looked pathetic, but I couldn’t possibly care less! Swinging the pail, I walked through the grassy track towards the barn.

“The one day I want school to be on is the one day it isn’t!”

You could see the whole of Gallagher from our little house. Straining my eyes, I spotted someone chugging along the main road upon a small tractor. What looked like tree remains were placed upon the trailer that was connected to the back. I was still wondering about Zima. What ever had happened to her at the Industrial Parks definitely shook her up. So far I had come to the conclusion that she had seen the murder of Mr. and Mrs. Maher’s. But there was one question that failed all of that; why hadn’t she called the police? Unless Zima was involved with the murder…

Cracking open the barn door, I glanced around the hay covered floor. But that wouldn’t be likely. Killing someone is easier then said, and Zima isn’t one for blood. The barn had been deserted for a year now, and yet Mum still liked it to be clean. Sighing loudly, I grabbed at a broom leaning against the wall. The smell of musk met my nose. I didn’t like the smell of musk. In fact, I just didn’t like cleaning. Gagging over my shoulder, I began to push my way through the muck, breathing through my mouth.

“Nothing to worry about,” I said in a shaky voice.

Looking around, I felt fear beginning to edge around my heart. I never liked barns. Especially big, old scary barns. As if on cue, something fell from the rickety stair case and clattered across the ground. I jumped and squealed, bringing the broom up to my chest. Just like in the horror movies. The dumb chick uses something pathetic to protect herself as if that is ever going to work! Something slinked through tufts of dead grass, stopping a few metres away from me.
“It’s just the cat! Nothing to be scared of,” I laughed nervously, beginning to back away towards the entrance of the barn. Its tail swished behind its head. Lowering itself, the cat pounced towards me, yowling furiously. Cats and I never got on, it was a pure fact. Ever since they had given me the scar on my left cheek, I also began to share their hatred.

Screaming, I began to smash at the floor around me with the broom, creating a thick dust cloud everywhere in the barn.
The cat screeched as it was thrown from my face. It disappeared into pile of hay. Doubling over I began to cough, my eyes watering. Looking around for the exit, I couldn’t see it. Light filtered through the dust, creating shadows over my shoes.

“Just take a hold of yourself, Baylee!” I muttered. Patting the wall reverently; my hands clasped around something small. I felt my eyebrows rise. What was it? Pulling it up to my face, a familiar yowl buzzed in my ear. Looking up at what I grabbed, I felt my face fall.

“The freaky cat!”

The cat lunged towards me, spinning its arms in the air. Squealing, I rushed blindly around the barn crashing into the walls. Placing my hands over my face, I struck something sharp. Blinking through the dust, I saw a shadow of something hard dropping towards me.

“This day just gets better and better…” I muttered as it struck me across the head.
Collapsing to the ground, I twitched, my legs beginning to buzz. Something fell onto my chest, opening up; the sound of rustling pages beamed in my ears. Sitting up, I flapped at the dust around me, coughing.

“A book?” I muttered.

Straining my eyes, the image of something began to materialise upon the page of the book. A picture of someone on a wall. Swiping at the dust covering the page, the image became clearer. Screeching, I flung it across the ground and forced myself to my knees. The book fell onto the page, the image snarling up at the roof. A demon-like creature was pinned to a wall, silver stakes pushed in its flesh.

I clamped a hand over my mouth, fear beginning to turn my skin pale. “What is that thing?!”

Crawling across the dust swept ground, I leered over the book. A breeze kicked through the barn changing the page. An image of a Blue Jay with its wings stretched framed the front. I frowned. It looked familiar. Picking up the book, I turned it over in my hands. Dad had read me this when I had been younger! Sitting back heavily, I clasped my fingers around the binder protectively. Dad had read it before he had died from the accident to be exact.

“Don’t tell her those stories, Zale!” Mum said stopping the doorway to my room. I craned my neck to look over my shoulder. Mum had never liked the idea of me reading books about killing, especially ones about the Blue Jay. She got even pickier when Dad died; throwing away everything that had an essence of the Blue Jay to it. I guess you could say Mum hated that fairy tale, saying it was barbaric and cruel.

“They’re not stories, Mummy!” I said in a matter of fact tone. “They’re real! The Blue Jay saved everyone from the evil Salem Witches!”

Dad laughed and tousled my hair. “Zale, tell her they’re not real. She doesn’t listen to me!” Mum smiled, her eyes
glittering. He grinned at me again, love shining in his eyes. I giggled and stood up, pulling the book from his hands.

“Do you think I could be just like the Blue Jay, Daddy?” I asked, looking hopefully at him.

Dad pulled himself to his feet. Grabbing at the feather duster we were supposed to be using on the walls, he pointed it at me, a glimmer of laughter shining in his hazel eyes. They always glimmered. They even sparkled before he was placed into the ground forever.

“I don’t know, are you willing to fight?” he poked me in the chest with the fluffy end of the duster, raising his eyebrows.

I giggled, staggering backwards and nodded hurriedly. “Are you willing to stare danger in the face and tell it to suck a marshmallow?”

“Suck frog legs!” I added in, placing the book to my heart.

Dad turned and jumped onto my bed. “Then my dear girl, I knight thee honorary Blue Jay apprentice!” Tapping my shoulders with the feather duster, my eyes grew wide with hope. Mum rolled her own and chuckled, placing the basket of clothes down in front of her. “What ever you put your mind to whether that be climbing the highest mountain or catching the largest snake-” Mum gasped, horrified. I laughed, knowing Dad was playing on her fear. “-You can achieve it! Trust me!”

Wiping at my eyes, I banished away the tears. Flicking through the book, I laughed as I noticed the same coffee stain marring one of the pages.

“Still there,” I slid my finger down it watching as the coffee stain crumbled away. Looking underneath, I noticed it was the same picture that had frightened me. Flicking the page, I stared at the demon pinned to the wall. It looked so real…

Everyone in Gallagher knew of the brave tale between the Blue Jay and the Salem Witches. Where an ordinary man took on the appearance of a Blue Jay to save everyone from the Dark magic that ‘plagued the lands’. In the tale, it was said that Salem and Gallagher were actually united as one great city to form the Capitol of Earth. If someone had control of the Capitol they had control of the world, which is exactly what the Salem Witches wanted. Mum said it was all a hoax, where one man tried explaining the prosecutions of the actual Salem Witch hunt. No one was actually a real witch, though the citizens found that out the hard way.

I never really believed Mum when she said that but then what else could it have been. There weren’t really any demons or witches; maybe it was just a hoax. A little part of me though always disagreed.

“Baylee, hurry your butt would you! I need your help!” Mum’s voice burst through my thoughts. Stumbling to my feet, I placed the book back onto the shelf next to distorted tap pieces and other bolts and other rusted trinkets. Though, you could never say that to anyone because they’d think you were insane and before you knew it, you’d be on the first plane trip to an asylum.

“I’m coming Mum. Just wait a second!” I replied. Staggering through the hay, I turned and glanced back at the picture of the Blue Jay. “One day,” I muttered, quickly rushing out of the barn.
Last edited by Apple on Sat Nov 06, 2010 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Okay, so I read the first chapter and have to say that this one is much better. On the other hand, it could still use some improvement. The first thing is your grammar issues all throughout this - a pain, but it's important because it makes the story in general easier to understand. Also, there's a...demon?...that gets stabbed to the wall in the barn and for a second she freaks out then she disregards it and focuses on the book and returns to the house when her mom calls her. Seems a little unrealistic, no? Now the outcome is really going to depend on the character - when she sees the "thing," maybe she would run, maybe she'd spring to her feet and look for some kind of defense, maybe she'd look for the thing's attacker, who knows? But really, if something like this happens, you've gotta give the character a logical reaction. Right now it just seems kind of unfocused.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
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Whoops, I forgot to fix that. It's not a demon in the barn, it's a picture of demon being pinned against the wall. It's in the book. Sorry, that was pointed out before but I forgot to fix it. Thanks for the review, none-the-less.
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Wow! Apple, this was really exciting. There were a few problems but they're not much! I love the idea and I will definitely join your page as I do not want to die.




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Hello!

I read over your first chapter, so no worries there.

“…At midnight last night, a horrendous murder has befouled the Industrial Parks of Gallagher.”


Watch your tenses!

would lead to the unjust killer.”


a) This would be better phrased as 'the unjust kill'
b) How do they know it's unjust? What if the janitors were secretly an assassinating couple, and the murder was retribution for one of their kills? Just seems a bit odd for the reporter to throw this in there.

He paused, trying to create tension and it was working! I slid in closer to the T.V., biting anxiously into my lip. “Will this place a damper on things for the Harvest Festival? That’s the real question on everyone’s lips-”


a) You shouldn't have to say that the reporter is creating tension - show it!
b) It's a bit of a let down, saying that tension is created then just talking about a harvest festival.
c) Also, isn't the real questions why an innocent couple were murdered and there aren't any leads abo - oh, wait. I just read on and you mention that. Don't worry. >.>

crossing them again to make her frail and small stature more defiant.


The fact that she is crossing her arms shows that she's being defiant. You don't always need to worry about explaining everything!

Jumping back as I tried to recoil myself,


Recoiling = drawing back. So ... either say 'recoiling' or 'jumping back', both is unnecessary.

“I was watching that,” I ventured, hoping I wouldn’t feel the hard end of her slipper against my side. It wasn’t that my mother was a bad Mum. She had raised me and my sister all by herself since my Father had died. It’s just when Dad left, he had taken my Mother’s happiness with him.


So many mothers and mums and fathers and dads in this sentence. Swap a few for 'he' or 'she' to make it flow easier.

That’s the real question: who did it? I wish they’d place Danyo back on, he at least had some compassion.”

I think that the news company would control what they said?

Looking through a lock of brown hair, I spotted what was left of my favourite stripy socks.


Locks of hair aren't that big, are they? Odd way to phrase it.

though to make me part with my favourite socks – there was just too much injustice I can take! The smell of blueberry muffins cooling on the window sill made my stomach gurgle.


The transition here is ... woah. socksocksoMUFFINS. Epicness, but kind of jarring.

I blew the hardest raspberry I could make up the stairs. If Sybil could feel that then my day was complete. My sister let out a fake cough, her voice trailing around the room.


If she's upstairs, why does her voice trail around the room? Come to think of it, how does a voice trail? :P

I rolled my eyes, hoping that she didn’t see it. Mum believed anything that anyone said. Of course, Sybil had been out cold ever since we came home, though when she finally came to and Mum told her what had happened, she couldn’t remember any of it only immense pain. To me, that sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie.


... it also sounds serious. Does this girl have no sympathy? Sisterly hatred doesn't usually extend as far as ignoring seizures that involve immense pain and amnesia xD.

I was still wondering about Zima. What ever had happened to her at the Industrial Parks definitely shook her up. So far I had come to the conclusion that she had seen the murder of Mr. and Mrs. Maher’s. But there was one question that failed all of that; why hadn’t she called the police? Unless Zima was involved with the murder…


When was she wondering about Zima? (If I skimmed through that in chapter 1, then ignore me.) But, seriously - shouldn't there be some sort of thought process that takes her through to the assumption that Zima was the witness to a murder and didn't tell the police? I mean ... maybe she wasn't even there and they lied, or maybe she saw something but doesn't want to report it in case it's nothing, or maybe she did see the murder, but didn't see the murderer so the police, having questioned her, have found nothing useful. See where I'm going? ;)

Ever since they had given me the scar on my left cheek, I also began to share their hatred.


All the cats, collectively, gave her a scar? Try 'ever since one ...'

I began to smash at the floor around me with the broom, creating a thick dust cloud everywhere in the barn.


Why not at her face where the cat is?

Crawling across the dust swept ground, I leered over the book.


Leered is an odd word choice here.

“Don’t tell her those stories, Zale!” Mum said stopping the doorway to my room.


Tense mix up?

a glimmer of laughter shining in his hazel eyes. They always glimmered. They even sparkled before he was placed into the ground forever.


In the previous couple of paragraphs, there have been around four/five descriptions of shining eyes. Yes, eyes shine. They have water in them. ;) Save description so it doesn't become too repetitive.

Where an ordinary man took on the appearance of a Blue Jay


Have you ever read the Inkheart books? This is ... similar.

Overall:

I liked this! You have an interesting premise, and it looks like it's going to get very exciting as the story progresses. I've done most of the nitpicks I saw to give you a helping hand, but if I were you I'd look through it and pick out any other errors you find. Proofreading is invaluable.

Some other thoughts:

1) Description: In some cases, it seems like you tend to over-describe things like actions. Instead of just saying a simple action, you try to make it more convoluted with adverbs and whatnot. Most of the time, I'd advise you not to really bother with this. A simple action can have a lot of effect, and a lot of the time you make it much more confusing when it honestly doesn't need to be. Yes, writing well is important, but you need to get the right balance between writing well and trying to write way too well. (If this doesn't make sense to you, PM me and I'll try to explain better ...)

2) Show don't tell! Okay, it's simple, but it really works. I mentioned it before, I think, but basically what you need to start doing is allowing your characters and story to speak for themselves. If they fold their arms in defiance, allow the reader to interpret it that way rather than telling them too. It's more effective and is less jarring and forthright.

3) I'm really not sure if you've read Inheart etc or not, but the character of the blue jay honestly seems very similar to one in that series. If it's not intentional, then don't worry! But what may have happened is that you've read it and put it into your story without realising. :)

Hope this helps! PM me with any questions.

-Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.


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Thank you, so much reviewers! I've just got to pull out my hiking boots and start fixing!
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Yo. Pear.

I apologise for taking 100000000000000000 years to actually come and review this. I suck at deadlines, what can I say? I'm not going to get all nit-picky because your grammar overall is great, plus nit-picks are annoying for you and for me...

I have to admit, out of the chapters I've read so far, I think that the first one's actually my favourite. Technically though, that's a good thing because opening chapters, in my opinion, the're the most important in a novel. Don't get me wrong though, I like this chapter, and I think that this story is a great one. It looks like it's going to go somewhere exciting and have loads of kick ass action. I just like your first chapter more, for some reason... Juts my opinion, I guess.

I don't actually have any major critiques for this. I have a few suggestions and comments, but they're only little, niggly ones. One of the things that I noticed was that, for some reason, this felt a bit disconnected to the first chapter. I'm thinking that it might just be me though. I think it might be because I expected Baylee to go over Jaidon's house, and his secret thing would be revealed. Because I kind of had that set in my mind, it made this feel slightly disconnected. I'm thinking that Jaidon knows something about this whole Blue Jay, witch, evil thingymajiggas, and he'll reveal something to Baylee when she goes to his house; hence the thing he wanted to tell her. I think I just would have liked for the visit to his house to have been in this chapter... I don't know. Well, aren't I a load of help? :lol:

I'm also still finding Baylee's reactions kind of unrealistic. Even if she does think her sister's faking it, surely, she'd find what happened weird? I mean, I don't know many people who can fake being ill by making their eyes go red. Baylee must have noticed Sybil's eye colour change because this is in first person, therefore, she can hardly say and mention things she hasn't seen or done. What I found strange about her reactions in this chapter was the demon picture thing. It was kind of like, "AhhhhH! Demon thingy on the wall!!!! Holy sh**!" Pause. "Wwww... Book." Basically, it seemed kind of sudden when her attention was drawn to the book from the demon.

The only other issue I had was something Amy mentioned. You have a tendency to be over descriptive when it comes to actions. I can't say much though because I do the exact same thing. There's not much to say about it really, just that although being descriptive is good, you can be over descriptive. When it comes to actions, I find that simpler things are better than the more complicated things. Leave those to the epic descriptions. In the end, it's up to you what you want to do with the description of actions, but that's just my suggestion.

I think that's it... Sorry I haven't been much help! xD

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb