The road not taken. *Edited*

Spoiler

This story was developed from the poem 'The Road not taken' by Robert Frost.
It's not on of my best pieces, I admit but, I'd love some reviews to help me improve.
The poem, that inspired it all;
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I grew up a victim of 'Life is a waste of space, there's no such thing as happily ever after.' Life was a reality and nothing nor anyone could change that. Mum was the perfect one to let me think these things. All her life, anything that ever happened to you was a mistake, something horrible,so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me.

Now I stood looking out the window of my bare, white room watching the delicate snow flutter gracefully from the sky to the ground. Mum said snow was just a nusiance. It looked fun and beautiful on the outside but if you got to know it well enough it just made life more difficult. However I was intrigued by the surprisingly cold and crisp texture of the snow. It looked fluffy and almost cozy from where I was standing yet I knew better then that. It was the one thing that made me question my mother's opinion on life. Snow didn't have to be a nusiance, you could choose. Choose whether you wanted it to let it get in your way or make the most of the annual snowfall - make excuses for days of school or work. I always loved the saying since;
"Some people dance in through the rain, others just get wet."
It made sense to me. I decided, there was two paths in life. 'Dancing in the rain' or 'Getting wet'.
My mother, I knew, was a victim of the 'getting wet' path. She wasn't a favorite in our small village and neither was my father. I feared I'd grow up the same. I tried to see the good in life's situations. At 17, I terrified myself by being a complete replica of my parents. Only a year later did something happen that made me change my mind.


"I don't know what's wrong with you, Meredith. Why can't you just let me do what I want? Why does everything have to be pointless? Is nothing worth it to you anymore?" You yelled, with accompaning hand gesters.
"I never said you couldn't do what you want-I just want to make the right choices!Don't get all 'bossy' on me again," I warned.
" Wait so I'm incapable of making choices without you butting in or making them right? Damn-Meredith, do you remember when we were young, watching the snow fall and you telling me this whole thing about, swearing you'd never turn out like your mother? Do you?"
"Yes of course I do," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.
" Well you know what- you lied. You've become your mother but even worse. Why don't you just give up now? Huh? If nothing is making you happy or... or even me. If I don't even have any part in your life, then why don't you just leave? You hate everything I do, I say.. .Every step I take through the door, I see this deadness in your eyes. If that's how you feel then I don't care. Because I have a life Meredith. I know what I want and I know that I can reach it and I won't let you stop me," you finished, out of breath.
I stood there for a while letting his words sink in. Me hands trembled and I sat down. You ran your hair through your gorgeous brown hair and sighed, turning on your heel, setting yourself up for escape.
" I.. I don't.. I didn't.. Wait, don't leave. Please, John.. don't,"I croaked, watching you leave, hands tucked securely into your fleece.
I screamed and screamed at you, hoping you'd turn around, yet knowing you wouldn't. I collapsed onto the floor, hunched into a ball, sobbing. John was the only one who knew me inside out. I planned to spend my whole life with him, have a family.If that dream wasn't to be so, it was like all I'd ever known was wrong. That I was just taking up space on a crammed bookself. I was useless.

Then the snow came.
It came slowly at first, then it began to fall heavier and heavier. I was soon, surrounded in a mini wall of white. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I hated myself. I lay there getting colder and colder untill I sat up, shivering and started the long walk home.
Meredith do you remember when we were young watching the snow fall and telling me this whole thing about, swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?
Do you?
Do you?
The snow was a sign. He was right. I was eveything he said I was. I had taken, the road where all I was doing and had done was get wet. Here I was physically saturated, and mentally soaked.
I heaved myself off the wet ground and dragged myself home. I was shivering and and completely drenched. My long back hair glistening from the heavy falling snow.

Hope you like this guys. My first ever fantasy story.
Kaka x

Love the poem!!<3 Good idea writing a story about it. I noticed you put comma's in strange places and then didn't put them in where they really shoulda been. Read it over and you'll see what I mean. As for putting it in the "Fantasy' catagory I wouldn't. Fantasy usually has something magical or mystical to it. I'd consider this just plain Fiction. The begining is great, butthe whole YEAR LATER thing is a bit foggy. That's ok for now but do add a new chapter to clear things up please. Other than that GREAT JOB!

Hey I am going to review your work
This is a good sentence but I think that you could think of a better word than good, it stops the flow a little.

so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me.

This is a nice sentence with good description and great flow.

Now I stood looking out the window of my bare, white room watching the delicate snow flutter gracefully from the sky to the ground.

I think you need to rephrase this the repetition of 'was' makes it a little blunt.

Mum said all snow was, was a nusiance and like everything in life.

Deadnness is a very weak word.

I see this.. this deadness in your eyes.

My hands trembled.

Me hands trembled and I sat down.

Overall this s a good basis, but there are a few errors, and I think this has potential, but I think you should expand it

kakagirl wrote:

Spoiler

This story was taken from the idea of a poem called, The road not taken by Robert frost. It was just an idea so I hope you think it made sense!! Be as critical as you like.. Well ish! Here is the poem, thought you'd like to know:
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I grew up a victim of 'Life is a waste of space, there's no such thing as happily ever after.' Life was a reality and nothing nor anyone could change that. You were the perfect one to let me think these things. Are you talking about the her mother? All your life, anything thing that ever happened to you was a mistake, something horrible,so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me.

Now I stood looking out the window of my bare, white room watching the delicate snow flutter gracefully from the sky to the ground. Mum said all snow was, was a nusiance and like everything in life.This would sound better as, ''A nuisance, like everything else in life, that's what Mom said snow was.'' It looked fun and beautiful on the outside but if you got to know it well enough it just made life more difficult. However I was inteuigued intrigued by the surprisingly cold and crisp texture of the snow. It looked fluffy and almost cosy cozy from where I was standing yet I knew better then that. It was the one thing that made me question my mother's opinion on life. Snow didn't have to be a nusiance, you could choose. Choose whether you wanted it to let it get in your way or make the most of the annual snowfall - make excuses for days of school or work. I always loved the saying since;
"Some people dance in through the rain, others just get wet."
It made sense to me. I decided, there was two paths in life. 'Dancing in the rain' or 'Getting wet'.
My mother, I knew, was a victim of the 'getting wet' path. She wasn't a favorite in our small village and neither was my father. I feared I'd grow up the same. I tried to see the good in life's situations. At 15, I terrified myself by being a complete replica of my parents. Only a year later did something happen that made me change my mind.

A YEAR LATER
She's only 16 and has this much drama already?! "I don't know what's wrong with you, Meredith. You.. you just, everything has become pointless to you! I'm not sure I like it, like it at all! The second ''like it at all'' I think is unnecessary. You ruin everything, you make me think I can do nothing at all," You yelled, with accompaning hand motions. Maybe try,'' his hands gesturing wildly.''" No I don't, I'm just trying to make you see sense, what does hiking have to do with anything!? " I screamed back.
" Meredith, do you remember when we were young, watching the snow fall and you telling me this whole thing about, swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?"
"Yes of course I do," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.
" Well you know what, you lied. You've become your mother but.. but even worse. Cut out the second ''but''. Why don't you just give up now? Huh? If nothing is making you happy or.. or me. Your character sounds like he's stuttering. If I don't even have any part in your life, then why don't you just leave? You hate everything I do, I say.. Every step I take through the door, I see this.. this deadness in your eyes. I like that sentence! If that's how you feel then I don't care. Because.. because I have a life Meredith. I know what I want and I know that I can reach it and I won't let you stop me," you finished, out of breath.
I stood there for a while letting his words sink in. Me hands trembled and I sat down. You ran your hair through your gorgeous brown hair and sighed, turning on your heel, setting yourself up for escape.
" I.. I don't.. I didn't.. Wait, don't leave. Please, John.. don't,"I cracked, watching you leave, hands tucked securely into your fleece.
I screamed and screamed at you, hoping you'd turn around, yet knowing you wouldn't. I collapsed onto the floor, hunched into a ball, sobbing.
And that's when the snow came. It came slowly at first, then it began to fall heavier and heavier. I was soon, surrounded in a mini wall of white. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I hated myself. I lay there getting colder and colder untill I sat up, shivering and started the long walk home.
Meredith do you remember when we were young watching the snow fall and telling me this whole thing about, swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?
Do you?
Do you?
The snow was a sign. He was right. I was eveything he said I was. I had taken, no comma the road where all I was doing and had done was get wet. Here I was physically saturated, and mentally soaked.
It was time to change.

This was good, I liked this better than your other story, ''Hurting''.
I liked the emotional tension and the anguish your characters are going through. Well written!
Hope you don't think I was too harsh-sounding, feel free to do the same with mine!

Hi! I'm Regan, your reviewer for this story. I put things I like in blue, things you shoulod change in red, and their corrections in green.

kakagirl wrote:

Spoiler

This story was taken from the idea of a poem called, The road not taken by Robert frost. It was just an idea so I hope you think it made sense!! Be as critical as you like.. Well ish! Here is the poem, thought you'd like to know:
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I grew up a victim of 'Life is a waste of space, there's no such thing as happily ever after.' Life was a reality and nothing nor anyone could change that. You were the perfect one to let me think these thingsWho are you talking about here? Me as a reader, or your mother? Fix that maybe?. All your life, anything thing that ever happened to you was a mistake, something horrible,so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me. So here your talking about your mom, but later on you say 'You' is John. Hmmm...

Now I stood looking out the window of my bare, white room watching the delicate snow flutter gracefully from the sky to the ground. Mum said all snow was, was a nusiance and like everything in life. Doesn't flow very well. Try "Mum said snow was a nusiance like everything else in life."It looked fun and beautiful on the outside but if you got to know it well enough it just made life more difficult. However I was inteuigued i'm no dictionary, but is that even a word?? Try intrigued.by the surprisingly cold and crisp texture of the snow. It looked fluffy and almost cosy from where I was standing, i think yet I knew better then that. It was the one thing that made me question my mother's opinion on life. Snow didn't have to be a nusiance, you could choose. Choose whether you wanted it to let it get in your way or make the most of the annual snowfall - make excuses for days of school or work. I always loved the saying since;
"Some people dance in through the rain, others just get wet."
It made sense to me. I decided, there was two paths in life. 'Dancing in the rain' or 'Getting wet'.
My mother, I knew, was a victim of the 'getting wet' path. She wasn't a favorite in our small village and neither was my father. I feared I'd grow up the same. I tried to see the good in life's situations. At 15, I terrified myself by being a complete replica of my parents. Only a year later did something happen that made me change my mind.

A YEAR LATER
"I don't know what's wrong with you, Meredith. You.. youThere are a lot of these in this part, it makes it seem like the character has a stutter. If he does, then please inform me about it. just, everything has become pointless to you! I'm not sure I like it, like it at all!Get rid of the second like it so it's just "I'm not sure I like it at all!" You ruin everything, you make me think I can do nothing at all," Repetition.You yelledHmmm Who is this mysterious you? Is it me? Or is it the mom, like earlier?, with accompaning hand motions.
" No I don't, I'm just trying to make you see sense, what does hiking have to do with anything!? " I screamed back.
" Meredith, do you remember when we were young, watching the snow fall and you telling me this whole thing about, random comma... swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?"
"Yes of course I do," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.
" Well you know what, you lied. You've become your mother but.. but even worse. Why don't you just give up now? Huh? If nothing is making you happy or.. or me. If I don't even have any part in your life, then why don't you just leave? You hate everything I do, I say.. Every step I take through the door, I see this.. this deadness in your eyes. If that's how you feel then I don't care. Because.. because I have a life Meredith. I know what I want and I know that I can reach it and I won't let you stop me," you finished, out of breath.
I stood there for a while letting his Stick with either you (which I dont like) or him.words sink in. Me hands trembled and I sat down. You ran your hair through your gorgeous brown hair and sighed, turning on your heel, setting yourself up for escape.
" I.. I don't.. I didn't.. Wait, don't leave. Please, John.. Ahhhh so now you tell us who 'You' is. But wait, weren't you talking about your mother earlier?? Is her name John??? don't,"I crackedYou can't crack a phrase. You can croak it, or whisper it, or shout it, or your voice can crack while saying a phrase, but you can't crack it., watching you leave, hands tucked securely into your fleece.
I screamed and screamed at you, hoping you'd turn around, yet knowing you wouldn't. I collapsed onto the floor, hunched into a ball, sobbing.
And that's when the snow came. It came slowly at first, then it began to fall heavier and heavier. I was soon, another random commasurrounded in a mini wall of white. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I hated myself. I lay there getting colder and colder untill I sat up, shivering, and started the long walk home.
Meredith do you remember when we were young watching the snow fall and telling me this whole thing about, swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?
Do you?
Do you?
The snow was a sign. He was right. I was eveything he said I was. I had taken, the road where all I was doing and had done was get wet. Here I was physically saturated, and mentally soaked.
It was time to change.

I like it, just not the 'you' part. Be consistant and get rid of it in the very beggining. I like the description and the feeling you put into this, good job!
R3G@N

Hi! I'm Regan, your reviewer for this story. I put things I like in blue, things you shoulod change in red, and their corrections in green.

kakagirl wrote:

Spoiler

This story was taken from the idea of a poem called, The road not taken by Robert frost. It was just an idea so I hope you think it made sense!! Be as critical as you like.. Well ish! Here is the poem, thought you'd like to know:
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I grew up a victim of 'Life is a waste of space, there's no such thing as happily ever after.' Life was a reality and nothing nor anyone could change that. You were the perfect one to let me think these thingsWho are you talking about here? Me as a reader, or your mother? Fix that maybe?. All your life, anything thing that ever happened to you was a mistake, something horrible,so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me. So here your talking about your mom, but later on you say 'You' is John. Hmmm...

Now I stood looking out the window of my bare, white room watching the delicate snow flutter gracefully from the sky to the ground. Mum said all snow was, was a nusiance and like everything in life. Doesn't flow very well. Try "Mum said snow was a nusiance like everything else in life."It looked fun and beautiful on the outside but if you got to know it well enough it just made life more difficult. However I was inteuigued i'm no dictionary, but is that even a word?? Try intrigued.by the surprisingly cold and crisp texture of the snow. It looked fluffy and almost cosy from where I was standing, i think yet I knew better then that. It was the one thing that made me question my mother's opinion on life. Snow didn't have to be a nusiance, you could choose. Choose whether you wanted it to let it get in your way or make the most of the annual snowfall - make excuses for days of school or work. I always loved the saying since;
"Some people dance in through the rain, others just get wet."
It made sense to me. I decided, there was two paths in life. 'Dancing in the rain' or 'Getting wet'.
My mother, I knew, was a victim of the 'getting wet' path. She wasn't a favorite in our small village and neither was my father. I feared I'd grow up the same. I tried to see the good in life's situations. At 15, I terrified myself by being a complete replica of my parents. Only a year later did something happen that made me change my mind.

A YEAR LATER
"I don't know what's wrong with you, Meredith. You.. youThere are a lot of these in this part, it makes it seem like the character has a stutter. If he does, then please inform me about it. just, everything has become pointless to you! I'm not sure I like it, like it at all!Get rid of the second like it so it's just "I'm not sure I like it at all!" You ruin everything, you make me think I can do nothing at all," Repetition.You yelledHmmm Who is this mysterious you? Is it me? Or is it the mom, like earlier?, with accompaning hand motions.
" No I don't, I'm just trying to make you see sense, what does hiking have to do with anything!? " I screamed back.
" Meredith, do you remember when we were young, watching the snow fall and you telling me this whole thing about, random comma... swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?"
"Yes of course I do," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.
" Well you know what, you lied. You've become your mother but.. but even worse. Why don't you just give up now? Huh? If nothing is making you happy or.. or me. If I don't even have any part in your life, then why don't you just leave? You hate everything I do, I say.. Every step I take through the door, I see this.. this deadness in your eyes. If that's how you feel then I don't care. Because.. because I have a life Meredith. I know what I want and I know that I can reach it and I won't let you stop me," you finished, out of breath.
I stood there for a while letting his Stick with either you (which I dont like) or him.words sink in. Me hands trembled and I sat down. You ran your hair through your gorgeous brown hair and sighed, turning on your heel, setting yourself up for escape.
" I.. I don't.. I didn't.. Wait, don't leave. Please, John.. Ahhhh so now you tell us who 'You' is. But wait, weren't you talking about your mother earlier?? Is her name John??? don't,"I crackedYou can't crack a phrase. You can croak it, or whisper it, or shout it, or your voice can crack while saying a phrase, but you can't crack it., watching you leave, hands tucked securely into your fleece.
I screamed and screamed at you, hoping you'd turn around, yet knowing you wouldn't. I collapsed onto the floor, hunched into a ball, sobbing.
And that's when the snow came. It came slowly at first, then it began to fall heavier and heavier. I was soon, another random commasurrounded in a mini wall of white. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I hated myself. I lay there getting colder and colder untill I sat up, shivering, and started the long walk home.
Meredith do you remember when we were young watching the snow fall and telling me this whole thing about, swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?
Do you?
Do you?
The snow was a sign. He was right. I was eveything he said I was. I had taken, the road where all I was doing and had done was get wet. Here I was physically saturated, and mentally soaked.
It was time to change.

I like it, just not the 'you' part. Be consistant and get rid of it in the very beggining. I like the description and the feeling you put into this, good job!
R3G@N

I like this! The emotion and feeling of the moment is really well shown here! I think if you added more, this story would only get better and better
I saw a few grammatical errors in this paragraph - red is what should be corrected, and green is what I suggest to correct it.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, Meredith. You just - everything has become pointless to you! I'm not sure I like it at all! You ruin everything, you make me think I can do nothing at all," [maybe use a different word than 'all', you used it a sentence before and it seems awkward] You[ should be lowercase] yelled, with accompaning [accompanying] hand gesters. [gestures]

But all in all, it was really well written, and it'd be great to see more. Keep up the good work!

Hey kaka! I'm terribly sorry that this review is so late. School has been crazy.

Life was a reality and nothing nor anyone could change that

Life was a reality? What is that supposed to mean, exactly? It's sort of redundant.

Mum was the perfect one to let me think these things. All her life, anything that ever happened to you was a mistake, something horrible,so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me.

I think I understand what you're saying here, but I think you could clear it up also. You dip into 2nd person (you) while talking about her (Mum), which you should probably get rid of. Also, why was Mum the perfect one to let me think these things? Maybe you can say, "Mum was the one who let me think like this." Try rephrasing it, maybe something like this:

Mum was the one to let me think like this. All her life, she said, anything that ever happened to her was a mistake, something horrible, so when she found a man who was straight and good, she married him and had a child. Me.

Work with it! What do you mean, "anything that ever happened to her was a mistake"? That her whole life's been full of failure? If so, just say it!

It looked fluffy and almost cozy from where I was standing yet I knew better then that...Snow didn't have to be a nusiance, you could choose.

"Then" needs to be "than". That last comma needs to be a semi-colon, because the clauses on each side are complete sentences.

I stood there for a while letting his words sink in. Me hands trembled and I sat down. You ran your hair through your gorgeous brown hair and sighed

Mixing up your perspective! That first "his" should be "your", since you've decided to portray this guy in second person. And that "me" needs to be "my". Really, you need to proofread this. I'm going to stop pointing out grammatical errors like this, because you can catch them yourself. Show us that you care about this story and have put effort into it; use proper grammar and keep track of your point of view. Sometimes you stick in random commas. Go through this with a fine-toothed comb and find the mistakes.

My overall problem with this is that I don't feel like we got to see a full scene. It's like we see two halves of two different scenes, but they don't add up to reach a whole. My suggestion is to cut the second person "you" altogether; it's confusing. Next, that entire first section before the "A YEAR LATER" is all telling, which you should avoid. Read this article to brush up on what I mean. Basically, you're telling us about her relationship with her mother instead of actually showing us how they interact. Which is why I think you should replace the "looking out the window" scene with a conversation with Meredith's mother! Or maybe Meredith is just watching her from behind a window, observing. Add some action to cushion all the backstory.

As far as the second part goes, we never see what made John explode on her, which costs the argument all of its credibility. Why is she turning into her mother? What has she said or done? When we don't get to see the reason behind their fight, it seems pointless. Same thing with the ending; there's no resolution. Not even a sad ending-- it just hangs there, and I'm not sure if this is supposed to be continued or not. It feels like a bit chunk of the story is missing. I think that you focused on all the wrong parts of the story, and are missing some crucial ones.

Keep writing, dear! It takes practice, and editing-- a whole lot of both! This can be much better. Clean up your writing style and focus the scenes you should be focusing on.

~Evi

Thanks everyone!? Your reveiws helped
Kaka x

Hi Kaka!

Well, I really liked the theme of the story, for one thing, maybe because I relate to it so much. Your MC gets her thoughts across very emotionally, and I like that too. But, as a critic, I do have a few nitpicks: for example, the spelling and the grammar sometimes goes off-key, so I can't really involve myself as well as I might like to. You should've also fleshed out your characters more thoroughly - like what did her mum do that made her feel like this? Who is John to her? What is he like? And maybe this got me the strongest...this isn't really what I'd call fantasy, but drama. So maybe you should put it in a category like that...

Whew. That was exhausting. This must be my harshest review yet. T_T I'm sorry if I seemed to hate it, I don't, because I like it. But I think you could've done just a little better, that's all.

See ya around!

Robyn.