White Ice

I was always a dreamer
I dreamt of a home that smelt of bread
Of sleep at night and moonlit skies
Of sleep and wake and cold morning grass

I wasn't born to stand and mourn the day
I was born with a fight in my heart
But I stand here alone, cold and blue
I fight my heart for dreaming
My own heart, and no one else

Every day I break it
I blame the sun for giving me another day to break
I turn my back on the burning, shameful light
Running for my life now, in the shadows

I'm a ghost
The wind is in my bones
And a milky white memory of love
Imprinted on my heart
Brittle as secret ice.

Ok hi!:)
I like this poem alot. But it's a little hard to find the whole point of this. The very last stanza is phenominal! The adjectives you use are great, like milky white. The other stanzas compared to this one are kind of... Hmm not as descriptive. You want to use words that will set a mood, and make your readers feel what you are feeling, since the story is told in first person point of you.

I was always a dreamer
I dreamt of a home that smelt of bread
Of sleep at night and moonlit skies
Of sleep and wake and cold morning grass

ok like for this stanza, you should put a period after the very first sentence. What else did he or she dream of?? We need more description! Adjectives like cold are overused! But, I like how you said "morning grass." As a reader, just from that part I could feel and imagine the coldness of the grass you're trying to describe.

Ok, well work with my critique examples and this could turn out to be great. Remember, set a MOOD for this poem, and stick with that one mood throughout the whole poem. You might also want to consider extending it as well. Use as much sensory detail as you NEED. If you need any more help with this and I'll be glad to work with you!
Love,
Layla

Hi Layla, thank you for your comment, some of your advice is helpful and I am grateful for that, but I also find what you've said a bit patronising and as though with your help, my writing will be better - I'm sorry but you can't assume that. Suggestions are great, but assumptions are not.

If you really want to change the poem, write it out how you would write it, and show me.

Hiya! I see you're new. Welcome to the site! It's great, I hope you like it here.
So, on with the review!
My first impression was that this was very, very good. The imagery, the sense of longing and the flow were really amazing.
Okay, there were a couple of things that confused me. First:
'I fight my heart for dreaming
My own heart, and no one else'
It's probably just me, but I wondered at the last line here. Do you mean 'my own heart and no one else's'? Or do you mean exactly what you've written? If you do, could you explain it to me? Pfft, probably just me being stupid. Again.
Also:
'And a milky white memory of love
Imprinted on my heart
Brittle as secret ice.'
I (VERY much) liked this last stanza. My impression was - wow. But I wondered if it would make more sense - and also correspond to the title more - if instead of 'secret ice', you wrote 'white ice'. Just something I wanted to point out, but by no means do you have to heed my advice. Ignore me completely if I sound like a complete and utter doof who has no idea what she's talking about.
What struck me powerfully, along with what I mentioned before, was that I can relate to this poem!!! Sometimes, I read a poem, and I think - wow, great poem - but I don't actually feel it. In this poem, it felt as though you'd written my life story - and, needless to say, yours as well!
I truly enjoyed this poem, and I cannot find anything else that I can give my advice on. Methinks thou hast potential!
Keep writing, and God bless,
Ignis

Thank you Ignis, I really appreciate your review. This website does seem really useful, and there is such good quality work on here, I'm really enjoying reading other people's work.

The line 'I fight your heart for dreaming, and no one else' means that I am fighting with my heart, and not with another person - normally another person breaks your heart, but this poem is about breaking your own heart. This may not have happened to you yet, but believe me it's possible! So I am saying that I am fighting with myself, my heart, not with another person's heart for not loving me/not being there etc.

Also, I do like your title 'white ice'. I chose secret because the heart is secret, but white would fit more with the poem.

Finally, you are not a doof

I don't read much poetry, but I thought this was very good, and quite enjoyable to read in a sort of melancholy way. Love it all!